Bun in the Oven: The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag, #6

by Jennifer L. Hart

She exited the room and a minute later there was a loud crash from out front, the sounds of shouting and commands to put the weapon down. The police had arrived.

  “Help!” My voice was thin and reedy as though my vocal cords were under as much strain as the rest of me. “I’m back here. Help!”

  The door opened and Neil appeared, several shouts and protests following him. He took one look at me and then shouted back, louder and longer than whoever was supposedly in charge. “I want an ambulance here now.”

  “No time,” I hissed. I’d started crying at some point, even more moisture exiting my body. By the time this was all over there’d be nothing left of me but a pile of salt. Still I managed to choke out a quick, “How?”

  “Grace saw your SOS. She was driving past.” Neil didn’t hesitate, just climbed onto the bed behind me. “Let’s get you upright.”

  “Grace is here? Get her. I want her. Please Neil.”

  “I’m here, Maggie.” Grace appeared in the doorway. “Let’s see how far along you are.” She had a first aid kit and wore medical gloves.

  “Too freaking far,” I huffed and puffed, gasped and grunted as she checked me.

  “Do we have time to get her to the hospital?” Neil asked from behind me. His voice was calm, steady, not the half panicked mess he’d been while waiting for this moment.

  Grace shook her head. “The baby’s already crowning. Maggie, it’s just like we practiced. When the next contraction hits go ahead and push.”

  “Now?” It seemed too soon. Too fast. Everything was happening too fast.

  Her eyes locked on mine. She nodded. “Now.”

  Neil in my ear. “You’ve got this, love. I’m right here. You’ve got this.”

  “I got this,” I parroted back.

  It was all a little blurry after that but Lily Margret Phillips was born just in time to get her first ambulance ride.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “I’m ready to go home now.” I kvetched to the nurse who was once again checking my damn blood pressure. She seemed to have a fetish for it, they were always in my room.

  “The doctor will be in shortly,” was all she said. All they ever said as though the doctor was the magical gate keeper to the doors that had kept me locked up for the last forty eight hours.

  “Is she still causing problems?” It was Leo, armed with a humongous teddy bear wearing a mini top hat and tails.

  “They’re used to my bellyaching by now.” And I was fairly certain the entire nursing staff couldn’t wait to see the back of me either.

  “How you holding up, champ?” he asked as he set the bear down.

  “Exhausted. I can’t sleep for more than fifteen minutes at a shot. And I want to take a shower. I have hospital cooties.”

  “Ick. But look at the bright side, your rack is utterly glorious.”

  “If any other man said that,” Neil said from the doorway. “We’d have a problem. But since it’s you, I’ll just say I have to agree.”

  “Don’t objectify me.” I snapped, though I was secretly pleased. My post baby body was not something I wanted to dwell on. Too many of the pounds I’d packed on for little Lily’s sake had stuck stubbornly behind after her departure. Instead I reached for Neil’s hand. “You said you were gonna stop in and check on Sylvia this morning. How’s she doing?”

  He took my hand in his. “Physically, better. They’re releasing her today now that the concussion is under control.”

  I winced, guilt still hounding me that I’d hit her as hard as I did. “And emotionally?”

  Neil shook his head. “Not great. I think it’s hitting her all at once, the fact that Eric is gone and that that nutjob wanted to take Astrid. She mentioned selling the house.”

  My heart sank a little at the prospect. I was hoping Astrid and Lily would grow up together, be best friends, but it wasn’t my call. “If that’s what she needs.”

  “I never heard, where did Sylvia stay with the baby after she left the hospital?” Leo asked.

  “A vacant house on the other end of the neighborhood.” The glow of new fatherhood dimmed as Neil related the story. “According to Capri, the place was a dump, holes in the walls, mold, not somewhere you’d want your newborn for five minutes, never mind several days and nights. She was desperate when she came to Maggie for help.”

  My husband cut his gaze to me in such a way that I knew he hadn’t forgotten about my fib. Nor had he forgiven me for endangering my life as well as Lily’s to help Sylvia out. Once the relief that we’d made it out alive and relatively unscathed wore off, I was sure we’d have a long talk all about my many lousy judgment calls.

  But that was a worry for another day.

  “But Capri found all the evidence of the blackmail?” Leo asked.

  I nodded. “Right where I’d left it, in the tool’s tool box.”

  “So where did she kill Eric?” Leo asked.

  “Capri said in her garage. Point blank, with a silencer. I think she planned to bury him next to poor old Bill. She had him stuffed in her own freezer but when the power went out she panicked and decided to dump him at their house to be discovered.”

  Leo blew out a breath. “All I can say is it’s a good thing Grace drove down the street when she did. And that she saw your SOS and knew what it meant.”

  “She was just coming to pick up her things.” Neil said, his hand tightening on mine. “She’d called me while I was at the soccer game with the boys and I told her to drop by. Then when I came home and found you missing, I was so busy panicking that I forgot all about her. We were very, very lucky. And not just because she helped lead us to you. I’m not sure who would have delivered Lily if she hadn’t been there.”

  “I’m glad Grace got her moment of redemption.” I said. “If anything, we’re now in her debt.”

  As if on cue, the nurse with the teddy bear scrubs returned pushing Lily’s basinet. From her first breath, my little daughter lit up the room with her very presence. She wasn’t a big crier, not yet. The birth had worn her out and she was somewhat lazy about eating. Grace was still coming in a few hours a day to help me breastfeed. If Lily was anything like her mother she’d turn around on that one in a hurry.

  Leo stroked a fingertip down her petal soft cheek. “So sweet.”

  She was awake, from her position in the bed I could see her little fists flailing in the pink gingham scratchy mitts.

  “Smell her,” I coaxed.

  Leo rolled his eyes. “That’s your perversion, freak, not mine.”

  “Mommy’s going to sniff the scent right off of you.” Neil said as he picked our little squirmy worm up. But despite the teasing I saw him take a quick hit from the top of her fuzzy head.

  “And how’s Atlas’s recovery going?” That sperm stealing slag Roberta had hit the poor creature with a tranquilizer dart. I was so relieved to hear that he was alright that I’d broken down into uncontrollable sobs in front of Detective Capri. No idea where Roberta had gotten the horse tranquilizers, but it was obvious she had planned to come after me and Baby X—Lily—all along.

  Neil rocked his armful back and forth, not taking his gaze from her perfect face. “Fine, the vet said he was healthy as a horse. You should have seen Mac and the boys trying to cram him into your Mini. Comedy gold.”

  “I hope you recorded it.”

  “What do you take me for?” Neil winked.

  Lily started to fuss and I held out my arms. “The guy bogarting my baby. Now give her here.”

  Neil did the transfer with effortless ease. “Um, one more thing. There was a package at the house this morning. From Marty.”

  My heart gave a little leap. I hadn’t heard from my brother since Capri had released him from questioning. “Did you bring it?”

  He nodded and then extracted a small package addressed to me and wrapped in brown paper.

  “Open it, please.” I was glad to have Lily in my arms, glad of the excuse. The fact that Marty hadn’t shown up after he’d been released from police
custody wasn’t a good sign.

  Neil unwrapped the paper and then pulled the tape off the shoebox. Inside was a small, very worn stuffed elephant.

  There was no note inside the box.

  “Shit.” I said, tears filling my eyes.

  “Sssh, Uncle Scrooge. Not in front of the baby.”

  “Leo, would you take her out in the hall for a minute?” I asked.

  Good buddy that he was, Leo took Lily from me and placed her in her basinet. “Let’s hit the town kid. You can be my wingman.”

  I sniffled. “Shit. Shit shit shit.”

  Neil took me in his arms. “It’ll be okay, babe.”

  I let him hold me but as much as I wanted to believe him, I knew better. The elephant had been Marty’s oldest existing possession. The fact that he addressed it to me, hadn’t come to meet his new niece could only mean one thing.

  “No.” I shook my head and pulled away from Neil. “It won’t. He’s cutting all ties with me.”

  “He’ll come back someday.” Neil pushed some hair behind my ear.

  “When?” I asked. It seemed wrong, almost ungrateful, to ask more from the universe than it had already provided. A loving and devoted husband, three gorgeous healthy kids, even the family pet had been spared. But Marty was my brother, the only Sampson left. And he’d turned his back on me.

  “I don’t know.” Neil said. “But it will happen. Have faith.”

  Doctor Tate arrived. “How are we doing, Mrs. Phillips?”

  I wiped beneath my wet lashes. “Better, as soon as you say I can go home with my new baby.”

  “About that. I see on your chart you’ve had a concussion before. We would like to keep you just one more night, run a few tests.”

  I blew out an impatient sigh and looked over at Neil. “It’s a good thing Lily’s still out in the hall.”

  “Better get it out of your system now, Uncle Scrooge.”

  So I did, cussing like a sailor until it echoed through the maternity ward.

  I had the mother gig down pat.

  ~The End~

  Want more Maggie and Neil? Join them in the zany mystery series The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag

  The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag: Skeletons in the Closet

  Maggie Phillips hasn’t had it easy. As the wife of retired Navy SEAL, and the adoptive mother of two little hellions, Maggie is constantly looking for ways to improve her family’s financial situation. She accepts a cleaning position for her new neighbors (who redefine the term ‘eccentric’), never imagining she will end up as the sole alibi for a man with a fascination for medieval torture devices when he is brought up on murder charges.

  While Maggie struggles to prove the man’s innocence, her deadbeat brother arrives, determined to sell Maggie and Neil on his next great scheme and to mooch with a vengeance. If that isn’t bad enough, her in-laws, (the cut-throat corporate attorneys) descend on the house, armed with disapproval and condemnation, for the family’s annual Thanksgiving celebration.

  As the police investigation intensifies, Maggie searches for the killer among the upper echelon of Hudson, Massachusetts in the only way she can— by scrubbing their thrones.

  Of the porcelain variety, that is...

  Now available on Audiobook Narrated by Suzanne Cerreta

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  Book 2: The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag: Swept Under the Rug

  CRIME AND GRIME ARE everywhere, at least in Maggie Phillips’ opinion. Deep in the throes of a New England winter, Maggie’s still adjusting to her new role as confidential informant for the Hudson Police Department. When a suspicious fax is sent to one of her new clients, Maggie is sure she’s unearthed a conspiracy. With no crime to investigate, however, the Hudson P.D. can do nothing—that is until a wealthy trophy wife disappears and the FBI is called in to the hunt.

  On the home front, her twelve-year-old son is growing up way too fast, while her brother is back with a few surprises destined to wreak havoc on the household. To frost the whole crappy cake, her best friend’s marriage is falling apart, which leaves Maggie worrying over her own. All of the family drama is put into perspective, however, when Maggie is arrested for kidnapping and blackmail.

  Between economic woes and a now tarnished reputation, Maggie is in way over her head. Yet out of the ashes of frustration and failure, something great might emerge. If she survives the birthing process that is....

  "Maggie and crew are so easy to relate to that you get caught up in the story and it’s over all too soon."

  ~Manic Readers

  "Ms. Hart wrote with so much passion and developed the story in a fashion that draws you in and keeps you engrossed until the last word in the book."

  ~Mary Gramlich The Reading Reviewer

  Now available on Audiobook Narrated by Suzanne Cerreta

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  Book 3: The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag: All Washed Up

  MAGGIE PHILLIPS IS fine—just ask her. So what if two psychos tried to do her in and her business is all but dead, she never wanted to be the laundry hag to begin with, so why should she mourn her tattered reputation? With spring comes a fresh start, garage sale season and the birth of her brother’s first child. Life goes on even if cleaning has lost its luster and the sight of her scarred hands brings back horrific memories.

  Help is on the way, whether she wants it or not. When Maggie’s mother-in-law asks her to assist with renovations to their project house in upstate New York, she smells a rat. Matters become murkier when Laura casually tells the former laundry hag to “see to that pesky ghost,” like the phantom is ring around the bathtub. But both Neil and Sylvia are eager to undertake the zany task and really, what else does she have to do?

  How about solve a two decade old murder, find a few long lost relatives, fix her mental hang-ups and reconnect with the husband she’s pushed away. And if she has any time to spare, maybe she can even survive a pissed-off apparition and keep it from finishing the job the last two killers started Third time’s the charm...right?

  Now available on Audiobook Narrated by Suzanne Cerreta

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  Book 4: The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag: Hung Out to Dry

  After a year in Hudson, Maggie Phillips—A.K.A the laundry hag—is sure she’s seen all the small Massachusetts town has to offer. Of course that’s until her newest client turns out to be psychic who’s inherited a massive estate from her recently deceased grandfather, much to the displeasure of the rest of the family. Maggie soon suspects that what everyone believed was death by natural causes might’ve been a well-planned murder. Never fear, Maggie, her sexy SEAL and the rest of the cleaning crew are on the case. Are the relations responsible for terrorizing the timid soothsayer and how far will they go to reclaim one percenter status? One thing’s for sure, the laundry hag never saw this kerfuffle coming....

  Now available on Audiobook Narrated by Suzanne Cerreta

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  Book 4.5 The Laundry Hag’s Christmas Rental

  There's more Maggie to love as pregnancy expands her waistline and shortens her temper. And now the hag has to deal with the holidays too? If this is the most wonderful time of the year, somebody goofed.

  Jackie Parker's marriage is on the rocks, and we're not talking ice here. Tis' the season for a happy family, but Jackie just wants to ride this Christmas out alone with her dog, her monkey and her remote control. Unfortunately the Dark Prince has other plans.

  Miami is a hotbed of criminal activity, but no one expects to be robbed by Santa himself! With the big jolly man in the bright red suit doing a few B&E's in the neighborhood, Maggie's vacation is soon swapped out for a criminal investigation. And she's teaming up with a new neurotic partner. Holiday hilarity ensues when Damaged Goods and the Laundry Hag join forces for a takedown you wo
n't want to miss!

  Now available on Audiobook Narrated by Suzanne Cerreta

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  Book 5: The Misadventures of the Laundry Hag: Bun in the Oven

  Baby on Board!

  MAGGIE PHILLIPS IS beyond ready to have her new baby so life can get back to normal. Unfortunately, “normal” for the laundry hag is a relative term. When a neighbor goes missing, Neil begs his wife to stay out of it and focus on the upcoming labor and delivery, but Maggie can’t help but poke around into the man’s life out of habit and curiosity.But when the neighbor’s body is discovered stuffed into his own freezer and his wife and new baby also go missing, it’s up to the very pregnant laundry hag to clean house and get to the bottom of yet another misadventure, even if the killer is closer to home than she ever imagined.

  Murder, scandal and industrial strength juicers. What more could a mom-to-be need?

  Now available on Audiobook Narrated by Suzanne Cerreta

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  AND BEFORE SHE WAS the laundry hag, Maggie Sampson was just a girl looking for a hero. And a clue.

  Cue Neil.

  Who Needs A Hero?

  A romantic comedy available now for Kindle

  A Heroine in Distress....

  In the span of one afternoon, Maggie Sampson lost everything—her job, her fiancé and her inheritance. The thing she’ll miss most though is her mind. What else could explain her vision of the handsome and enigmatic stranger who retrieved her engagement ring when she hurled the rock into the Atlantic Ocean? Normal people just don’t do things like that. Sometimes fantasy is better than reality.

  A Hero Who Needs Saving....

  To the rest of the world, Neil Phillips is a decorated war hero, a Navy SEAL who has what it takes to get the job done. In private he is a walking raw wound with two boys, a broken marriage and a nasty case of PTSD. Despite his personal struggles he helped Maggie when she needed it most. Now, Maggie is on a mission and she’s not going anywhere until she returns the favor—with interest.