"No, we played in my cabin," Mario replied. "We shoved the furniture back to make an official tournament playing field, with a ring of dental floss to mark a ten-foot circle, so if I have food stuck in my teeth, that's why."
Julia looked at Mario with curiosity. "I don't know why it seems strange, but for some reason I can't equate U.S. Marshals with men who floss."
"Most probably don't," Mario said. "I was programmed when I was a kid, and it stuck."
"Then Hilda must have programmed you," Julia said.
Mario laughed. "No, Roberta did. She told me I didn't have to floss all my teeth, just the ones I wanted to keep. She's eight years older than me, and early on I decided it's easier to do what she wants than go up against her, but now I finally found a better use for dental floss. If I stay longer, I'll get Sergei thinking in terms of entering the tournament later on down the line, which will mean his setting goals, and that's good for any boy."
"Are you planning on staying longer?" Julia asked, her hopes rising.
"I'm thinking about it, at least until after New Year's," Mario replied, as he wheeled the car into the parking lot of the farm and ranch store. "I have three weeks off, which I planned to use at the ranch doing repairs, but Roberta wants to sell the place as is, which is fine with me. I've put on enough roofs and driven enough nails in that place to build another ranch."
After Mario cut the engine, Julia sat staring out the windshield at the front of the store, making no move to leave the car. She had never been in the store before, which alone made her apprehensive. I can do this, she told herself. There would be no snow to fall on her head, and being a farm and ranch supply store, the shelves would be sturdy and the racks stationary. But the sturdiness of the shelves was a moot point. Her mind could distort shelves in a framework of iron, and make them structural members breaking and falling toward her as if in slow motion…
"Come on," Mario said. "The longer you sit there, the more you'll keep mulling over what could go wrong. We’re going in to buy snow gear and coming out."
He was right, of course, Julia decided.
Once out of the car, Mario took Julia's hand. She knew he hadn't intended it as a romantic gesture, but to let her know he was walking with her in her unstable world.
They went directly to a large open area in the store where there were cubicles displaying jeans and western shirts in various sizes, and within the open area were individual racks holding an array of jackets, western shirts and other ranch wear. Mario immediately found the rack with the waterproof pants and jackets, and said, "Pick your color. I'm buying."
Julia felt a little ripple of pleasure, the way a wife might feel if her husband was shopping with her. The idea was beginning to take root, unrealistic as it was.
After sorting through the pants and finding a pair in turquoise blue, and a jacket to match, she held them up to herself, and said, "These will do." Feeling emboldened, with Mario at her side, she added, "Maybe we could also pick up some birdseed and suet blocks while we're here."
Mario smiled like he was pleased, and said, "You can put that on my tab too," then took her hand again and headed down an aisle toward the area where the birdseed, feeders, and other bird paraphernalia were located. But as they were walking between high shelves stacked with automatic waterers, stock feeders, and salt licks on one side, and poultry feeders, incubators, and heating lights on the other, Julia looked up, and realizing how tall the shelves were, the top shelves being above even Mario's reach, the shelves began fading in and out, and it was as if the two long banks were slowly moving inward.
Mario, seeing her standing immobile while looking up, said to her, "Shut your eyes and put your head against my chest until it passes."
Immediately, Julia did what Mario suggested, and when he closed his arms around her, and she rested the side of her face against his chest, things began to subside. After a few minutes, he said, while continuing to hold her, "Just don't use this incident as an excuse to go back to the cabin and entomb yourself there."
Julia said nothing because she wasn't sure she wouldn't do exactly that. But when she raised her head from Mario's chest, she was shocked to see the Hansens—Grace holding Irina's hand, and Jack holding a bird feeder and standing with Sergei and Jesse—the five of them gathered in front of the bird feeders, all looking their way.
Julia immediately turned out of Mario's arms, but by then Sergei was heading toward them, an excited look on his face, which she suspected had nothing to do with the fact that moments before, they'd been standing in the aisle hugging, or at least giving the perception of hugging.
Sergei looked from one to the other, then said to Mario in an excited voice, "Jesse told me what you do. He said you're really, really tough, and that you carry lots of guns and go after bad guys, and when I grow up, I want to do that too."
"No, you don't," Mario said. "You'll want your own family someday, and doing what I do isn't so good for families. I have to move around a lot."
"But you'll be around here long enough to help me get to the marbles tournament, won't you?" Sergei asked.
Mario shook his head. "I'll be leaving soon, so you'll have to listen and learn, but then you'll be on your own to keep practicing and getting better."
"Then take me and Irina with you," Sergei said. "I don't need any watching, and I can look after Irina. I'll work hard in school and if you teach me what I need to know to get to the tournament, I can win money and go to college, like you."
"Slow down," Mario said. "First off, I can't be your family. Irina needs a mother and she also needs you."
Sergei looked from Mario to Julia, and said, "Why can't you and Julia be our parents? You like each other."
Mario held Julia's gaze for a moment, then said to Sergei, "When I was your age, I'd already lost my mother, and two years later, I lost my father, but I found a home with the right people. Before then I was on the wrong track, doing bad things, but the folks who took me in turned me around. You have to wait for the right people. They're out there somewhere."
By then, Jesse was walking toward them, and Irina had broken loose and was heading toward Julia. Rushing up to her, Irina signed something Julia didn't understand, then Irina took Julia's hand and tugged her to where Jack and Grace were standing, and pointing to a bag in Grace's hand, signed the words, "Look, see."
Grace handed the bag to Julia, who lifted out a T-shirt with the image of a fairy princess sitting among flowers, and signed to Irina, "It's very pretty."
Irina smiled broadly, then bundled the shirt in her hand and rushed over to where Mario was standing, and showed it to him.
Julia, feeling a need to explain to the Hansens why she'd been standing in the aisle with Mario's arms around her, said to them, "It's not the way it looked. I was having a bad moment."
"Marshal Moretti's a fine man," Grace said. "Maybe a little rough around the edges, but Jack and I have a son and daughter-in-law, and two grandchildren, who think he hung the moon. And honey," she added, "I'm glad he's gotten you out of that cabin. It's time."
Julia couldn't deny it was time, but in spite of everything, she was anxious to return to the cabin and try to convince Mario to give her one more day before going out in the snow again. The memory of the white-out was still fresh, and the incident in the aisle minutes ago, a reminder that she was still a puppet dancing on the ogre's strings. But if Mario could be a part of her life, she was certain she could get back into circulation and eventually shut her mind to those dark hours. In effect, exorcise the ogre.
As they were driving back to the ranch on snowy roads that should have made Julia nervous to the point of feeling like she was trapped, she felt oddly relaxed, which she knew was because Mario was driving, or more precisely, because he was with her. She knew she was using him as a crutch, and now the thought of him leaving was almost as unsettling as her phobias. "I'm getting out more, but now I wish you could stay indefinitely," she said.
When Mario didn't respond, she looked askance a
t him, and seeing a troubled expression on his face, she said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It's like I'm asking you to be the keeper of my emotional stability."
"It's okay. I wish for things too," Mario replied, "but life has a way of shoving wishes aside."
"You wish for what kind of things?" Julia asked.
"Things like helping Sergei prepare for that marbles tournament, and getting you on a horse, and seeing the kids find a family, and doing something other than wet nursing mafia snitches."
"Then why don't you quit the service?" Julia asked.
"Because I'm one of the best they have for this job," Mario replied. "I grew up around wiseguys. I know how their minds work. But the Italian mafia's only a shadow of its former self, and what's left is getting old."
"Because of what you're doing?" Julia asked.
"No, because of the death of omerta, the code of silence, and informants were integral to it," Mario replied. "When snitches started bringing down the mob kingpins, and the mob started getting hit with indictments and prosecutions, they turned on each other. The problem is, what's filling the vacuum left by the mob are vicious gangs and terrorist organizations, so I'm thinking about getting out of witness security and volunteering for Special Operations."
"Like being on a SWAT team?" Julia asked.
"Basically. It involves things like apprehending fugitives, hostage rescue, counter-terrorism operations, entering armored or barricaded buildings, and transporting high profile prisoners, and since I'm single, being on call 24/7 isn't an issue with me, and I'm free to go anywhere."
"So you'd be in danger all the time," Julia said.
"Maybe theoretically," Mario replied, "but since team members are equipped with heavy body armor, ballistic shields, and advanced night vision optics, as well as specialized firearms like submachine guns, assault rifles, and riot-control agents like stun grenades, I'd probably be safer than most people are riding in a car."
Julia said nothing, but she couldn't help wondering at the dichotomy that, while Mario had no qualms about being involved in a litany of high-risk operations, she panicked at incidents as innocuous as snow slipping off the branches of fir trees, and walking between display shelves in a farm and ranch store. And still, Mario seemed to care about her.
But the bottom line was, she was a 'project' he'd taken on, not a prospect for a wife, and she needed to stop building castles in the sky.
CHAPTER 8
On returning from the farm and ranch store, Mario opted out of dinner with Julia, telling her he and his sister and brother-in-law would be having dinner with the Hansens, and afterwards, he had unfinished business with Billy and Jeremy. Julia tried not to show her disappointment, even though she felt robbed of an evening with him, and time was running out.
It was the little things she wanted now—Mario toying with her hair, and smiling because he was tickled about something, maybe something she said. And she wanted him to hold her the way he had at the farm and ranch store, with his arms loosely around her, as if he'd known that holding her tightly would make her feel trapped. When Mario left her at the cabin, he said he'd be back the next morning to take her snowshoeing, and when they'd return he'd show her some self-defense moves, but this time he wanted her to get aggressive and fight back.
She was determined to do both.
But the following morning, when she saw Mario trudging through the snow toward her cabin, with two pairs of snowshoes slung over his shoulder, and noted how deep his boots sank into snow that had continued to build during the night, her insecurities kicked in, and on opening the door, she found herself saying, "I'm very stiff and sore from snowshoeing yesterday, so maybe we could do it tomorrow instead."
While stomping the snow from his boots, Mario replied, "Exercise loosens muscles quicker than sitting around does."
"Maybe, but the snow's a lot deeper than yesterday so it will be harder to walk," Julia argued. "I was having so much trouble yesterday I could hardly get back here."
"That's because you were panicked and rushing ahead and stepping all over your shoes," Mario said. "Walk the way I showed you and you'll do fine."
Julia felt irritated because Mario refused to understand what she was going through. In fact, he seemed intent on disputing every argument she gave him, because he thought he knew better. "I'll walk a little ways, but I don't want to go up the hill," she said in a more assertive tone, deciding she would not be his puppet too. One ogre was enough.
"You'll need to put on long johns this time to stay warm, and you'll also need to put the hood up on your jacket since you might be getting a blast of snow on your head," Mario said.
Just thinking about yesterday's white-out had adrenaline rushing through Julia. "If you think I'm going to stand under a tree and have snow dumped on me, that's not going to happen."
Mario didn't respond. Instead, he grabbed the plastic farm and ranch store bag with the waterproof gear in it, which was still on the couch where Julia left it the afternoon before, and handing it to her, he said, "Stop making excuses and let's get going."
Julia took the bag, while replying, "I really don't want to do this today. You're pushing me beyond what I feel comfortable with."
When Mario just stood looking at her, with his perpetual frown and turned down mouth, she pursed her lips in disgust and headed into the bedroom.
After years of fantasizing about being with him, she found herself increasingly annoyed with Mario, and maybe a little disillusioned because she hadn't seen this side of him. She had truly made him into a white knight over the years, and white knights didn't force damsel's in distress to do things that terrified them.
As Mario was strapping on her snowshoes, he said, "The depth of the snow makes no difference. Walk the way I showed you and you'll stay on top."
"It's not just about being on top of the snow," Julia said, in a plaintive voice, her stomach tightening at the thought of another white out. "It's about my mind distorting ordinary things. You really have no idea what I'm going through."
"You want to beat this thing, then stop whining and get some backbone," Mario clipped.
Julia said nothing because, what was there to say to a man whose latest ambition was to run around carrying a submachine gun while wearing night-vision goggles? But whereas he could fire that gun at whatever evil doer was out there, the evil doer in her mind was out of reach.
Once outside, Julia refused to take Mario's hand, just to let him know she was irritated with him for pushing her into doing something she didn't want to do, though from the expression on his face, it didn't faze him. But by the time they came to the area where the snow path they were making curved around the stand of fir trees, cutting the cabin from view, she could think of nothing but turning back. "I'm starting to feel very nervous," she said. "How far do I have to go?"
"Up the long slope and a couple of miles further," Mario replied.
"I just can't go that far," Julia said.
"Yes, you can," Mario replied, and continued on.
Julia said nothing, just kept trudging alongside Mario, but as the distance between her and the cabin lengthened, and she saw the long gradual slope coming closer, and knew Mario expected her to hike another two miles after that, she said, "I can't do this. I want to go back."
"Stop telling me what you can't do," Mario said.
Mario's terse tone sent a rush of adrenaline through Julia, although she couldn't decide if it was the start of a panic attack at the thought of trudging up the slope, or because she was angry and disillusioned with Mario because of his uncaring attitude, something she'd never expected. But when they came to where the terrain started rising, and she looked up the long slope and saw the fir trees that had dumped the snow on her the day before, and knew he planned a repeat of that, she found herself saying, once again, "I just can't go up there."
"Stop giving me all the shit about what you can't do and concentrate on climbing the hill," Mario replied.
Deciding she'd had enou
gh, Julia said, "I'm not climbing that hill. I'm going back," then turned and started for the cabin. She had only taken a few steps when something hit the middle of her back. She looked around to find Mario making a snowball, which he flung at her. Throwing her arms up to cover her face, as images of things coming at her sent a rush of adrenaline coursing through her, she yelled, "Stop! Don't do that!"
Ignoring her, Mario hurled another snowball at her, hitting her in the shoulder, and another hitting her in the chest, which was protected by layers of clothing, but the impact sent another rush of adrenaline through her, but for a very different reason. She was mad. Down-and-dirty, furiously mad because Mario was ignoring everything she'd told him about panic attacks and what they did to her, so filling her gloved hands with as much snow as she could, she used her anger to compact it into an icy ball, and hurled it at his face, wanting to knock his wry smile off, a smile that told her he didn't care what she felt because, like Maddy said, he was a macho, male, take-control, U.S. Marshal who was running the show.
Holding that thought she made another icy ball and aimed at his middle, and another which she aimed lower, but missed her target.
When Mario laughed at her failed attempt to hit him where it mattered, she was so furious, she rushed toward him while ignoring the blast of loose snow coming toward her, and aiming for his chest, pounded her fists against it, while crying, "Stop! Stop it! What do you think you're…"
Her words were cut off by the feel of hands gripping her arms, and lips pressed tightly against hers, and low throaty groans, male sounds, snuffing out her words of outrage.
Confused and disoriented, she broke the kiss and glared at Mario, who smiled, and said, "You're not having a panic attack. You're mad as hell."
"Yes, I'm mad as hell because you wouldn't stop!" Julia cried.
Finding Justice (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 12) Page 10
