by Renee, DC
“They’re all great. We have some really amazing people, some true heroes, and then the cute ones. Noah falls perfectly in the middle, a mix of it all.”
“And how’s that going?” she asked. I stared blankly in response. That still wasn’t going. I had yet to figure out how to convince him to stay in the contest, and he hadn’t contacted me since our run-in at the hospital. That was four days ago, and we were wrapping up our initial entry assessments. If I didn’t convince him before then, he was officially out of the contest. Just thinking of that possibility caused a strange tug in my chest. “Well, there you go. You’re coming.” I didn’t reply, but the look on my face must have said it all. “You weren’t here last year,” Sidney stated. “But going to the hospital, reading for the kids…that’s something we do every year. You think we just drop off some goodies or write a check? No, we’re better than that. It’s not just the hospital, either. We do group volunteer activities all year round. This just happens to fall within the same week as when we had our last toy drop off. Employees aren’t required to participate, but they are most definitely encouraged if their work schedules permit. It’s a good bonding activity, and it also just feels morally good to help others.”
Well, shit. Now I felt like an asshole for not wanting to go read to the kids in the cancer ward. Noah’s cancer ward.
“It’s not even about Noah,” she tacked on. “Besides, we don’t even know if he’s working today.”
“Oh, he is,” I answered quickly.
“Oh?”
“I, uh, just meant that with my luck, he’s working today.” Lie. I might have done a little research to look up his schedule. You know…just in case. But I didn’t want to admit that to Sidney. Looking like a creeper in front of her wasn’t really high on my to-do list.
“And that’s a major bonus, right?”
“Yes?” I answered, my voice rising like I wasn’t sure.
“Yeah, Hadley, it is. I’ll let you in on two secrets. The first is that with each good deed, Noah will see you as a human being and not just a salesperson, which is sort of what you are to him right now. You’re trying to sell him on this idea. You’re a stranger, a nag even. If he cares like you say he does, then you doing something for his patients will help in your endeavor. The second is that sometimes we need pushes. You remember Rissa?” she asked, and I nodded in response. “When I ran our Hot Dad contest, Rissa nudged things along to help me out. And it worked. To an extent, of course. I still had to do my share. It’s my turn to pay it forward and help nudge things along for you. But, just as with me, you still have to do the hard part. I can push you guys together, but the rest is on you.”
“Okay, fine, count me in,” I said reluctantly, but inside, I wasn’t nearly as hesitant. Seeing the similarities between Sidney and me was actually giving me some hope.
“Atta girl. Okay, see you in a bit,” she said as she walked away.
One hour later, eleven of us had made it out to the hospital. We got the rundown from one of the staff, then were given books, assigned kids, and directed where to go. So far, no sign of Noah. Maybe I’d gotten his schedule wrong.
“Hey, Jacob,” I said as I walked into the room of a little boy whom I’d learned was ten, loved toy cars, and had a little sister. Even though his parents worked, his mom was able to work from his hospital room three days a week, but today wasn’t one of those days. I looked at his little form, and I had to swallow my tears. Life wasn’t fair, and it certainly wasn’t fair that this kid had to suffer the way he did. And his poor parents. I didn’t know them, didn’t even know Jacob, and it wasn’t like I had any kids of my own, but I couldn’t imagine watching him and not being able to help him. I suddenly understood, just for a moment, how Noah probably felt. Helpless. Hopeless.
“Hi,” Jacob said, shyly.
“My name is Hadley. Do you mind if I hang out with you for a bit?” I asked as I stepped farther into the room.
“Sure,” he said with a shrug.
“Thanks,” I said as I sat down on the chair by his bed. “So, Jacob, I heard you like cars.”
“I do,” he said. “Do you?”
“As a matter of fact, I do!” I said enthusiastically. In reality, I didn’t really care one way or another, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. But, bam, all of a sudden, the shy kid from a moment ago was gone as he launched into a ramble about different cars. Even though I could barely keep up, I couldn’t keep the smile from my face if I wanted to. To see this boy—tubes attached, hair gone, skinny as can be, waving his little arms around with a giant smile on his face—would melt anyone’s heart.
“Hey, Jacob, how are you feeling today?” the voice asked, and I knew without turning my head just what kind of luck was on my side. Jacob stopped talking just as I looked over my shoulder to see Noah lift his head from his tablet. To say his expression was stunned would be an understatement. He actually stopped in his tracks and looked stupefied for a good long moment. “Hadley? What are you doing here?”
“Hi, Dr. Shields,” Jacob finally answered.
“I, uh, I’m here to hang out with Jacob,” I said at almost the same time. “It’s our volunteer day today,” I informed Noah.
“Oh,” he responded, still looking a little stunned. “That’s, uh, that’s good. I’ll just do a quick assessment then, and I’ll let you two get back to it.” I was pretty sure he was just as confused about how to handle our second run-in within one week as I was. I should have been prepared, but I wasn’t. To be fair, Noah was currently wearing scrubs. A real-life fantasy come to life. I mean, you couldn’t make this stuff up. What were the chances? “Scrub me down, Doc,” were words playing over and over in my head. I had to mentally chastise myself as I watched him interact with Jacob. He was so gentle and attentive. What? I was human. I couldn’t help how attractive Noah was. I could only react to it. At least I didn’t verbalize my dirty thoughts.
“Alright, I’m done here. I’ll be back later, Jacob. Hadley,” he said as he tipped his head to me. “Nice seeing you again.”
“You too,” I responded. Then Jacob jumped right back in, and at some point, I read him the story I had in my hands that was, of course, about cars. I was there for about an hour before he started to get tired, and that was my cue to head out.
I walked out of his room, one hundred percent hoping Noah would be there, but he wasn’t. Disappointment hit me, but I shook it off. He wasn’t my friend or anything, so why would he be waiting for me? And even if he was, it’s not like he knew when I’d be done. Besides, he was working. My God, I was rambling even in my head. What the hell was wrong with me? Clearly, I needed to get laid. A doctor who didn’t even like me and was a contest entry was getting me all hot and bothered. Not good.
I figured I should cut my losses, head out, and if an idea magically popped into my head, then it was meant to be to have him in the contest. If not, then so be it.
“Hadley.” I heard my name called as I was heading down the hall. If that wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what was.
I turned to see Noah walking toward me. “Twice in one week, huh?”
“Purely coincidental, I promise,” I told him.
“Yeah,” he said, but I wasn’t sure he believed me. “Well, thanks for the toys and for Jacob. The days his parents can’t be here are hard on him.”
“He’s a good kid,” I responded. “Maybe,” I said, an idea popping into my head. A good idea, not because of Noah, but because sitting with Jacob actually made me feel for him. Noah was simply the bonus. “Maybe,” I repeated, “I could come by once or twice a month on days his parents aren’t here?” It was a question, and I was hoping the answer would be yes.
“Oh, uh, wow. That’s really nice. Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I answered without hesitation.
“I think that would be a really nice gesture, and Jacob would probably love it. I’ll need to make sure his parents are all right with it first, but I know they’ll say yes. Just in case, tho
ugh.”
“Oh, right, of course. They might not want a stranger hanging out with their kid that often. You’ll let me know?” I asked.
“Yes. I’ll ask them next time I see them and get back to you.”
“Great,” I said, pulling out my cell phone. “What’s your number?” I asked.
“Oh, uh…” he said as I’d clearly caught him off guard. He rattled off his cell, and I punched in the numbers. I knew he had only given it to me because he was flustered by my request. I pressed send and watched as he fumbled into his pocket to grab his cell. “There, now you have my cell. You can call me anytime and let me know.” You can call me anytime, period.
There was my in. And on top of it, I was doing something good for a deserving kid. Win-win either way, but if Noah entered the contest, it would be a double win-win. Here’s to hoping. Win-win.
Noah
SOMETIMES, PEOPLE SURPRISED you. Hadley was one of those people.
I didn’t have a very good first impression of her. Some pretty woman in a suit came to my home, I repeat, my home, my haven, my privacy, and wanted to talk to me about some bullshit contest I had no clue about. And to top it all off, it was about me being a hero. What a crock of shit. I didn’t think twice about her after that. I might have thought twice about this hero nonsense, but that was thanks to Amber.
After we had talked, I went to dinner at my in-laws’ home that weekend. I desperately tried to avoid the topic of the contest. I wasn’t worried it would start a fight. I’d never do that to Amber and Jay. They were good people, and I knew Amber’s heart was in the right place. She was just wrong. One hundred percent wrong. I was more worried that she’d badger me to do it, and that guilt and pressure would win over the truth. What was the truth, you ask? That I was absolutely no hero at all. I didn’t even deserve to be entered into the contest, let alone be a part of it.
Of course, I couldn’t avoid it.
“Did you think about it?” Amber started the minute we sat down to eat.
“Think about what?” I asked.
“Don’t play dumb, Noah. It doesn’t suit you,” she chided. “You promised you’d think about staying in the contest.”
“I shouldn’t even be in it in the first place,” I countered.
“Nonsense,” Jay chimed in. I should have known he’d be behind whatever harebrained idea Amber cooked up. “Look, Noah,” he said. “You are our son. Maybe not by blood, but our son, nonetheless. We want the best for you.”
“Thanks, Jay,” I told him. “I appreciate that, I do. But I’m good. Really.”
“No, son, you’re not. It would kill Tracy to see you like this. You’re just going through the motions of life, afraid to get too attached to anyone.”
“I get attached to my patients every day,” I countered.
“You do,” he acknowledged with a nod. “But not with your whole heart. So that the pain won’t be as great if the outcome isn’t good. The point isn’t the contest, Noah,” he added. “It’s that you deserve some happiness. If you don’t want to do the contest, fine. We won’t push you. Amber and I just wanted you to see all the good you have to offer. This came across our laps, and Amber took the opportunity it presented. As I said, you don’t have to do it. But if you don’t, then you have to find something else that will allow you to open your eyes to joy, to happiness, to see Tracy’s death wasn’t your fault.”
“I never said it was,” I told him.
“You didn’t have to. It’s written across your face. You think we don’t see the guilt you wear like a badge of armor every time you look at us. What do you think it does to us?”
“It breaks our heart,” Amber added. “You’re all we have left, Noah. If not for you, find a way to forgive yourself for us. Find a way to see yourself the way we do.”
I didn’t answer them. I didn’t have to. They knew they were asking the impossible. They also knew I’d figure out a way to at least try. Amber changed the subject shortly after that, and the rest of the dinner went smoothly.
But you can bet your ass that the damn contest wasn’t far from my head after that. Add in the fact that I’d just seen Hadley a day prior when she’d dropped off the toys, and you can say with certainty that my head was spinning. It was like the universe—that had been kind enough to leave me alone since Tracy’s death two years ago—was all of a sudden conspiring against me.
But wait…there’s more. I felt like I was a game show host with one damn prize after another. Except it wasn’t prizes, it was the universe messing with my life.
Hadley showed up once again.
She didn’t seek me out, and she didn’t talk to me about the contest. She just sat with Jacob, giving him some joy in life. Fuck if that didn’t surprise me. So much so that I sought her out after she was done. Apparently, I’d gotten her all wrong. She wasn’t just a pretty suit barging in on my life. She was genuinely a good person who’d been doing her job the first time around. Maybe she was the real hero.
I knew it was Amber’s and Jay’s words that had me thinking of her and the contest, of looking at her as more than just a person I’d met in passing. She was human. She was good. She was an opportunity. Made me sound crass, huh? Told you I was no hero. But she was an opportunity…an opportunity to do something for Amber and Jay.
She might have caught me off guard with her offer to visit Jacob, and she sure as hell caught me off guard with asking for my phone number, but the result was worth it. For one, if Jacob’s parents approved and Hadley stuck to her word, then Jacob had a companion on some of the days his parents couldn’t be with him. And the second was that I had her number. Why was that good? Because it gave me options. It was no longer about figuring out how to contact her to tell her I would participate in the contest. Not that I couldn’t do it, but having that obstacle in my way steered me against it. Now, it was an easy fifty-fifty. “Yes” or “No” was just one call or text away.
I just wasn’t yet sold on whether it was “yes” or whether it was “no.”
Hadley
I HADN’T HEARD from Noah. Though I was hoping to hear from him about the contest, I wasn’t expecting to. I had a feeling I’d have to push him on that, subtly of course. But push nonetheless. I was expecting to hear about whether Jacob’s parents were all right with me coming to visit him a few times a month. I hadn’t just said that to score brownie points. Watching the kids in the cancer unit, seeing how vulnerable they were, how some of them shined bright with hope even as their own bodies fought them…was eye-opening for me. I felt bad for them, I felt bad that Jacob had to be stuck there…and I felt bad for his parents too. They had to work to survive, but it must be difficult not to be by your sick son’s side each moment. I didn’t have kids, and I could only imagine. If I could offer even a little assistance, I would.
So I did what anyone would do in my situation. I had Noah’s number…so I called him. Talking to him was definitely a nice bonus, but I didn’t pressure him about the contest. At all. It would have been awesome if I could have somehow snuck that in, or even better if he magically agreed to participate, but I wasn’t tacky. That wasn’t the point of the call.
“Hadley?” he said instead of saying hello. I guess I’d caught him off guard.
“Hey, Noah. I was just checking in with you.”
“About?” he asked.
“About Jacob.”
“Oh, shit, right. I’m so sorry,” he said, and his apology sounded sincere. “I meant to call you a couple of days ago, but one of our doctors went on unexpected leave, so I’ve been pulling extra hours. It’s been a crazy week, and I just…I’ll be honest, when I had a few minutes to breathe, I took them to sleep.”
“Oh, wow. I would too,” I said, chuckling. “But seriously, that sucks. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’m happy to help. And I don’t have responsibilities or anyone waiting at home for me, so I’m able to take on the extra hours. It’s just definitely exhausting.”
“I can only imagine.�
� I had to bite my tongue big time from telling him what a hero that made him. He was selfless, he was helping, and he was doing it so that other folks that had families wouldn’t have to be away from them. How could he ever think he wasn’t a hero? He was the very definition of one. If you looked up hero in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Dr. Noah Shields. His picture would also be next to the words hot, gorgeous, chiseled…I could keep going, but you got the point.
I wish he could see what his mother-in-law clearly wanted him to see. I wish he could see what I saw, what his patients saw. He needed this contest just as much as it needed him. But I didn’t say anything.
“Well, anyway. I have to run soon. You caught me between patients, but I talked to Jacob’s parents. I vouched that you weren’t some crazy person or perv looking to spend time with little kids,” he told me, and I laughed at the lightness in his tone. I was sure he was telling the truth, but I enjoyed the little teasing, nonetheless.
“Gee, thanks. It makes me sound like a real class act here,” I joked right back.
“Hey,” he said mock-defensively. “I said you weren’t one of those things. At least not that I know of.” I could hear his smile, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit I got little tiny butterflies in my stomach knowing that even with the chaos of his current schedule, I was able to give him a little bit of fun and a smile.
“Fine, I’ll take it.”
“Good, because they are thrilled you want to spend time with Jacob. Aside from family, the friends he’s made here, and some of their family friends, he doesn’t get to hang out with anyone else. It’s hard for him. It’s hard for all the kids here. Building those close relationships that the normal person takes for granted doesn’t come easy when you’re sick most of the time.”
My heart broke and melted at the same time. The way he cared was truly something special. And the fact he didn’t see that made his emotions even more powerful.
