by Renee, DC
“I’m sure you are,” she said with a wink,
“It’s not like that. He’s still mourning the death of his wife.”
“So it’s not like that for him,” she pointed out. “What about you?”
“I couldn’t even if I wanted to. He’s a contest entry with a cash prize. That means a lot to some folks.”
“Being friends with him makes things a little dicey too, don’t you think?”
“I guess,” I admitted. “But still not the same.”
“No, it’s not,” she conceded. “Just be careful. Once upon a time, I was in an eerily similar situation as you. Gray wasn’t mourning the death of his wife, but he was holding a grudge against his ex, so he wasn’t ready yet either. Didn’t stop him from wanting me or me from wanting him. And if recall, he was my contest entry too.”
“I promise I won’t make the same mistake,” I vowed.
“Oh, no, Hadley. I never said it was a mistake. Far from it, and if it was, it was the best mistake of my life. I’m just warning you that sometimes things fall into place despite our best protests.” I didn’t answer, unsure what to say. “Well, alright then, I’ve scared you enough. Go have fun with Jacob,” she said before walking away. “And have some fun with Noah too,” she added just as her back was turning to face me, leaving me standing with my mouth hanging open as she had the final word.
I made my way to the hospital, found Jacob’s room, and stayed a few hours playing board games that were in his room. He was a good kid, and I was happy to see him smile, especially after he kept beating me. “You suck, Hadley,” he said with a childish giggle.
“Are you even allowed to say that?” I countered with my own giggle.
He rolled his eyes in response. Then we both laughed. This banter continued the entire time.
I walked out of his room with a smile on my face, so happy to have spent time with a boy who faced death and still managed to live life with so much joy. I was in my own little bubble, forgetting that I could use this opportunity to see Noah. Fate, though, seemed to like me because I basically ran right into him. “Who’s that smile for?” he asked after almost catching me.
“Jacob,” I answered.
“Ah,” he responded, and I could see his features soften a little. If it was anyone else, I might have thought Noah was a tad jealous of who my smile was for. But I knew better. He was just perpetually scowling when he wasn’t with his patients, or when I managed to loosen him up. And cue the dirty thoughts. “He’s a good kid. Definitely worthy of that smile,” he added, successfully tearing me away from my thoughts on how to “loosen” Dr. Hottie up.
“Yeah,” I said with a nod. “I know you can’t tell me, so I won’t ask. Doctor-patient confidentiality and all, but I hope he gets better and gets out of here soon.”
“I wish I could answer you, but you’re right, I’m not allowed. I’m not even supposed to say this, but you have reason to hope.”
“Really?” I asked, my smile widening.
“Can’t confirm or deny,” he said while nodding his head.
“Do his parents know?”
“Come on, Hadley, you know I’ve already said way too much. Don’t push it.”
“Fine, you suck.”
He barked out a laugh. “I see Jacob’s vocabulary has rubbed off on you.”
I laughed in response, not even having realized he was right until he said it. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Listen,” he started. “I have a couple more hours, and then I’m off. Stop by, and I’ll make dinner,” he suggested, and by the semi-shocked look on his own face, I had a feeling the invitation even took him by surprise. “My way of saying thanks for all this,” he added while waving his hand toward Jacob’s room. Almost felt like he tacked that on the end to validate his reason for inviting me. Wishful thinking maybe.
“You don’t have to thank me for that.”
“It’s more than that. In a short time, you’ve become one of my good friends, Hadley. And I appreciate it.”
I blushed. “Alright,” I told him. “Dinner at your place.”
“Good. See you at eight?” he asked.
“That works.”
I went back to work for another couple of hours, finishing my day with a goofy smile on my face.
“Is that smile because you had some fun with Noah after all?” Sidney asked after seeing said goofy smile.
“No, but he’s cooking me dinner tonight.”
“Oh, shit,” she said, stopping in her tracks. “I was just joking, but damn, did I nail that right on the head.”
“No, no. Just friends.”
“A lot of lovers start as friends first.”
“That won’t be us.”
“Uh-huh, sure. Go home and get ready.”
“I don’t get off for another hour,” I told her.
“There’s nothing normal about our business hours, Hadley,” she said with a little shake of her head. “You know this. How many times have you worked past midnight? As long as we get the job done…” She trailed off. “Now go home and pretty yourself up.”
“I was just going to wear this,” I told her.
“Not if you want to have some fun with Noah.”
“I don’t.”
“Yeah, sure. Bye, Hadley,” she said and walked away.
I ended up going home and changing. Despite my protests, Sidney’s words had an influence on me. I added a little extra makeup and made my way to Noah’s place.
Noah
I DIDN’T KNOW what possessed me to invite Hadley over for dinner. The words were out of my mouth before I registered them, and definitely before I could take them back. Although, why did I want to take them back? What was so wrong about inviting a friend over for dinner? I wasn’t a half-bad cook, having to fend for myself since I’d left for college. When I had an early shift or a day off, I even cooked for myself and Tracy. She used to tell me I was a great cook. I wasn’t. I was decent, good even, but not great.
I’d been so shocked by my own words that I tried to justify why I’d invited her over for dinner. The thing was, I could admit I wasn’t sure if I was justifying it to her or to me. Me, a voice inside whispered quietly. Mostly me.
I knew exactly why it felt wrong to me. I’d been cooking for myself when I wasn’t too lazy to just pick something up ever since her death. But this would be the first time I would cook for someone else since Tracy’s death. Everything in my life led back to her…back to her life…back to her death.
“You’ve eaten dinner with your friends,” I said out loud, trying to convince myself this was nothing. It wasn’t the same. Going out was easy. Eating dinner at home, just us two, was intimate, and whether I cooked or ordered in didn’t even matter. Well, it mattered to an extent.
“You’ve been alone inside your home with her already,” I tacked on, hoping no one saw me talking to myself. That did it. We’d already eaten together, and we’d already been alone in my home. This was the two melted together. I felt okay-ish after that.
I made it home after my shift, grabbed the ingredients from my pantry and my fridge to make a mushroom risotto and sautéed steak and onions. It sounded fancy, but it wasn’t. It was my go-to dish because it was easy, yummy, and filling, so I always had the ingredients on hand.
Dinner was just about ready when the doorbell rang.
I answered and was dumbstruck.
Hadley was beautiful. I’d already acknowledged that, and she didn’t flaunt it, which made being friends with her easy. She also joked but didn’t push—except on her view of me—didn’t flirt in a serious manner, and she didn’t expect anything from me. When I saw her standing in my doorway, she had somehow gotten more beautiful. She always dressed well, her clothes fashionable and accentuating her best features, but the dress she’d changed into was tailor-made for her curves. Her hair was down in loose curls, framing her delicate face. And her makeup, although just as subtle as always, somehow emphasized her features. For just a minute, I wasn’t a d
octor, wasn’t simply being observant, wasn’t even Tracy’s widower. I was a man. A red-blooded man staring at a fucking knockout standing in my doorway. I felt like I was looking at art. Something not to be touched, especially not by a married man, but to be admired for how simply breathtaking it was. You’re not married, a very distant voice said, but the voice was too distant and too wrong.
“I brought wine,” Hadley said, holding up a bottle. “My mom taught me never to come empty-handed.” Her words snapped me out of my thoughts, reminding me as tempting as she was, that wasn’t why she was here.
“Sounds like my mom,” I told her as I stepped back to let her in.
“Never really heard about your family,” she said just as I announced dinner was almost ready.
“Let me help,” she said as I started to put the food onto serving dishes. Hadley’s body brushed against mine as she reached for a spoon. On any other day, it would have been nothing. But something was going on with me that day, something that was making this day into more than what it was, and I felt that simple touch against my entire body.
Maybe...no…it’s just that…it had been two years. I justified quickly to myself that it was my body’s natural reaction. Like when guys woke up with a stiffy. It didn’t mean they were keyed up for sex, just the body doing what the body knew best.
We finished setting the table, sat down, and started eating before Hadley followed up her earlier statement about never having heard about my family. “So tell me about them,” she said before taking a bite of the risotto. Before I had a chance to say anything, she exaggerated a loud moan. “My God, Noah. You’ve been holding out on me. This is so freaking good.”
Two things happened immediately. Her moan shot through me, right to my dick. That’s what happens when you go without for two years, I told myself once again. It’s just your body, no need to think too hard about it. The problem was that I was thinking too hard about it. Pun intended. The second was that my ego inflated just a bit.
“Wait until you try my steak,” I said with a wink, trying to keep our usual banter.
She practically spit out her food. “You just sexual innuendo-ed me. And yes, I’m aware I made up a word,” she added. “I didn’t know you had it in you, Doctor. Good for you,” she joked. The sad part was I was too in my head to have realized how that sounded until she pointed it out. Now that it was out there, though, I’m glad she was able to just brush it off. The night had only just begun, and it was already doing things to my damn psyche.
“Are you deflecting?” she asked. “Do you have some deep dark secret about your family?” she asked.
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I’ve mentioned your family twice now, and twice, you’ve not answered.”
“Oh, sorry. I’ve been easily distracted today,” I told her. “Nope, no big secret.” I told her about my family, which then led into a conversation about my childhood, complete with embarrassing stories, firsts, and since it was Hadley, a million questions. Then it was her turn, and I learned all about her life, her family, her childhood, schooling, interests, even how she’d come to be at her job.
I hadn’t realized how little we actually knew about each other until then. In another life, this would have been a good date. But in this life, it was two friends having a nice evening together.
It wasn’t until we were done eating that Hadley realized we’d forgotten about the wine.
“Man, I’m stuffed. That was so good,” she told me, and I beamed with pride. “Oh shit,” she said a moment later and said pride went down the damn drain. “The wine.” Pride back up.
“I’m alright,” I told her. “But if you want, we can open it and drink some with ice cream.”
“Ice cream, huh?” she asked.
“Snickers ice cream bars. Always have them stocked and ready,” I admitted. A vice of mine.
“Oh yeah, baby,” she exclaimed as she got up and grabbed the wine opener I’d set out next to the wine bottle. A minute later, she was still struggling to open the wine, and the Snickers ice cream bars were just sitting on the counter, probably beginning to melt.
“Here, let me,” I said, coming up behind her just as she yanked on the opener—unsuccessfully—forcing her to lose balance and stumble into me. I caught her before she tripped and fell. It was a quick moment when I held her, so quick I didn’t think anything of it. But when she turned, her body practically touching mine, her eyes staring up into mine, as she thanked me, I thought about it then. I really thought about it then. I thought about her. About the warmth of her body heat, so close to mine, her eyes piercing right through me, innocently, sincerely, and her lips, parted slightly, unsure.
It was an inexplicable force. Two magnets destined to touch.
My lips were on hers, feeling them, touching them, kissing them. My tongue was inside her mouth, crashing against hers, finding a rhythm I long thought I’d forgotten. Fuck. So good. Too good.
I grabbed her, pulling her body flush against mine, deepening the kiss as she moaned into my mouth. I felt that moan, that vibration right down to my core. It was a carnal kiss, a needy kiss, something I don’t think I’d felt before…at least not since Tracy. Tracy. Her name in my head was a bucket of ice crashing over me.
I pulled back, immediately missing the feel of Hadley’s lips and body against mine and feeling a profound guilt over that. Over what I’d just done. It wasn’t fair to Tracy; it wasn’t even fair to Hadley. And it wasn’t something I deserved.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my head down, unable to look Hadley in the eye.
“Don’t be,” she told me.
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
“If I didn’t want it, I would have pushed you away,” she told me, somehow making me feel infinitely worse. I’d led her on, played with her. But I hadn’t…I’d wanted her. And I had no right to want her.
“I can’t do this,” I told her.
“Can’t or won’t?” she countered.
Won’t. “Can’t,” I said. “I think you should go.”
“It was a kiss, Noah. You have nothing to feel bad about. We’re two consenting adults. It was good. Lord knows, I thought that was good. I mean, hot damn, who knew you had it in you.”
“This isn’t a joke, Hadley. This is my life. And I don’t have a right to kiss you.”
“Oh God, Noah,” she said and shook her head. “No, listen to me. You are a good man. A great man. You deserve to be happy. Doesn’t have to be with me, but, well, shit, if you kiss like that, I hope it’s me,” she joked, her usual self, but it did nothing to change the mood this time around. “You have every right.”
“I think you should go,” I told her.
“Let’s talk about this. Work through your fears.”
“Go, Hadley,” I told her. “Go,” I repeated, my voice suddenly commanding. She stood still. “I said go, get out of here.” I finally found the courage to look in her eyes, and whatever she saw in mine must have done the trick. She gave me one quick nod, grabbed her purse, and walked out without another word…leaving me alone…just as Tracy had. And once again, it was my fault. At least this time, the result wasn’t death.
Hadley
“I THINK I’M screwed,” I blurted out after I’d barged into Sidney’s office the next day.
“If you’re not sure, that doesn’t say a lot about the guy,” she responded.
“Wait, what?” I asked, not having anticipated that response. There, folks, was just another reason I looked up to Sidney. But that was besides the point. “No, no, not like that. Well, sort of like that, but no.”
“Yeah, you’re just proving my point more with each word.”
“I kissed Noah,” I said, almost cutting her off. “Well, actually, he kissed me, but I kissed him back. No hesitation even.”
“So I was right,” she said with a smirk.
“No, we didn’t. He…”
“Relax, Hadley. Sit. Calm down and start from the beginning,” she t
old me.
If you’re wondering why I spent my time confiding in my boss and not a best friend, it’s because my best friend got a fantastic opportunity to open a satellite office in Spain. Yep, lucky bitch. She was only going to be gone eight months, which meant four more left, but worst fucking time for my life to start taking a drastic detour. She was overworked, tired, and the time difference didn’t make for easy talking. We texted, emailed, and tried to talk every now and then, but it wasn’t the same. Trust me, the minute I came home, the first thing I did was write a detailed email to Bella. I basically used that email as therapy to hash out all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions—most of which I didn’t even know I had. Did it help? Nope, not one bit. Which was why I walked into Sidney’s office after a restless night of sleep.
“Okay, I might have taken your advice and dolled up a bit,” I admitted after sitting across from her.
“Clearly, I was right,” she said with a wide smile.
“Yeah. No. I mean, yeah, you were. But I didn’t think I wanted to get his attention like that. So I’m not sure why I listened to you. Except, when he did kiss me, I realized I sure as hell had wanted his attention like that. Guess I did deep down.”
“He is a hottie,” she said with a nod.
“It’s more than that,” I told her. “He’s such a good guy. Genuinely. He thinks he’s not, but he is. He helps people as a part of his job, so by default, that earns him brownie points. Except it’s not just a job for him. He truly cares about his patients. He’s the one who volunteers to work extra shifts when they need someone because he doesn’t want people with families at home to have to suffer. And he doesn’t even see how selfless that is. He just believes it’s the right thing to do. I found out he’s not that close to his family because everyone’s busy, and they live out of state, but I could tell how much he loves them by the way he talked about them. And he has a good relationship with his in-laws. I mean, who normally does?”
“Well…” Sidney responded.
