by Renee, DC
“Okay, you don’t count. The Malones are a special breed.” Sidney barked out a laugh.
“Fine, I’ll give you that,” she said with a smirk. “But tell me, Hadley, when did you learn all this about our good doctor?”
“A lot of it I learned through observation of things he’s said and done. I found out about his family and his in-laws last night.”
“So you guys did the whole getting-to-know-you bit, huh?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” I told her.
“I see. Okay, so at what part of the date did he kiss you?”
“It wasn’t a date,” I countered.
“Yeah, and friends spend an entire dinner together getting to know each other. Come on, Hadley. You can call a pig a cow all you want, but it’s still a pig. But whatever, semantics,” she said with a wave of her hand. “When did you kiss?”
“When I was having trouble opening the bottle of wine after dinner, he came to help right as I pulled the opener out, and I lost balance. He caught me…and…”
“And cue romantic music, panning in on you two with different camera angles before the slow pull of lips. Got it,” she said with a giggle.
“It was more like mouths crashing, bruised lips, tangled tongues.”
“Oooh, the plot thickens. I think I’m liking this rom com,” she teased.
“He pushed me away.”
“Crap, maybe I don’t like it, after all. But every good movie needs some drama.”
“This isn’t a movie,” I argued.
“Sorry, sorry, you’re right. Honestly, though, Hadley, from what you’ve told me about him, it was probably too much for him to handle. He probably felt guilty or even undeserving.”
“I think he did,” I told her. “I don’t get his guilt, but I’ve also never lost someone I loved, so I don’t know anything about that. But he has no reason to feel as though he doesn’t deserve happiness, to kiss me, or hell, anyone. It doesn’t have to be me.”
“Oh, no, no, no. If he’s kissing someone, he’s kissing you. The question is, how do you feel about it all?”
“As I said, screwed.”
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t realize I liked him until he kissed me. He’s hot, so of course I liked looking at him and even flirting with him. And I liked him as a person, but I held myself back from allowing myself to like him as more than a friend. Now, though…now that I know there was a part of him that looked at me as more, and the fact that I had a taste of what it’s like to be with him…well, now I can’t go back to pretending I don’t like him like that. I do. I very much do. I like him…a lot. How do I continue to be his friend if I want more?”
“You don’t,” she said with a shrug. “Lucky for you, he wants more too. Oh, but crap…this might be an issue with the contest if you two are dating. One of you might have to step away. But for now, since it’s on the down low, don’t say anything, and we’ll figure it out.”
“Uh…did you not hear the part when he pushed me away?”
“Uh…did you not hear the part when it had nothing to do with how he feels about you?” she said with a raised eyebrow, tossing my words at me with a wry smile.
“How do you know?”
“It’s impossible for you to look at this situation objectively because you’re involved. I’m not. And I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that a guy doesn’t kiss you unless he wants to, and a guy in his situation doesn’t just want to kiss anyone. Add in the fact that he pushed you away…if you meant nothing, he wouldn’t have to push. It’s because you do mean more to him that he needed to distance himself. Trust me on this; he wants you just as much as you want him. He might need a little nudge, though. And I think I just might have the perfect idea.”
Noah
“WHAT’S WRONG?” AMBER asked almost as soon as I walked through their door.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I told her.
“Oh, no, Noah. Don’t you give me that. You’re my son. I might not have raised you, but I sure as heck can tell when something’s off. Come to think of it. This is your normal disposition. Sour, surly.”
“I’m not sour or surly,” I said.
“You haven’t been the past few weeks, that’s for sure. I should have been asking what was wrong then. Or rather, what was right. Now, you’re back.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“She’s right,” Jay added after we’d made it to the kitchen. “I didn’t even notice it until now that you’re back to being moody, but for the past month, I’d say, you seemed lighter. Happier. Well, damn, I guess you really do need shit days to be able to appreciate the good ones.”
“Oh, hush,” Amber chided Jay. “Now, tell us what brightened up your mood, and why it’s back to this again.”
“I really don’t know what to say,” I answered. The truth was that I hadn’t noticed it either. Not until they pointed it out. But now that it was out there in the open, I guess I had been happier lately. Not even that. I’d somehow felt lighter, free of a bit of guilt, pain, denial, and everything between. Not completely free, never completely free, but there was a tiny fraction of difference. I hated to admit it to myself, but it was Hadley.
She was also the reason I felt like absolute shit for the past few days. That’s not actually true or fair. It wasn’t because of her. It was because of me, and what I’d done to her. She didn’t deserve some failure asshole with overweight baggage mauling her when all she wanted was to enjoy dinner with a friend. Then I’d gone and been an even bigger asshole by kicking her out of my home.
“What’s her name?” Amber asked.
“Whose name?” I asked.
“The girl who brought out a bit of the old Noah. And then you can tell me what you did to mess things up so that we can try to help fix them.”
“How do you know it was me who messed up?”
“So there is a girl!” Amber cried out excitedly.
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. Your remark said it all. If there was no girl, there would be no messing up period, and you talked about that.”
“It’s not like that,” I told Amber and Jay.
“Then enlighten us,” Jay said.
“It’s just that Hadley-”
“The contest girl!” Amber exclaimed, cutting me off, a huge smile on her face. “I knew this contest was a good idea.”
“It’s not…it’s…shit,” I muttered quietly.
“It’s okay, Noah, take your time,” Jay said.
“She’s a good friend, and I enjoyed spending time with her. She doesn’t have a filter, so she’s real and sincere. She’s a good person, truly. Volunteers and does things simply because she wants to. And she pushes me, infuriating, but I don’t mind it. I didn’t realize she had a positive effect on my life until you both just pointed it out. Being around her, though, you can’t help but be happy. She’s always smiling and joking. I guess that’s what you were seeing.”
“And now?”
“Now, nothing. It was novel. My body had a natural reaction to being around a person like her. Contagious happiness. The novelty has worn off.”
“I call bullshit,” Jay said. “I love my daughter, God rest her soul. I will until the day I die. And I know you do too, Noah. I don’t doubt that. But you didn’t stop living the day she did.”
“You’re still here,” added Amber. “And you have more room in your heart to let someone else in. So let Hadley in.”
“I pushed her away last night,” I admitted, the words leaving my mouth before I even had time to register that I was referencing kissing another woman to my dead wife’s parents. Oh God, what a clusterfuck.
“That’s understandable,” Amber said. “I can tell this is weird for you, so I won’t push you to tell us more.” At that moment, I was eternally grateful for her ability to read me so well. “But I’ll tell you something first, and then I’ll drop it so we can enjoy dinner because it’s getting cold. Tracy w
ouldn’t want you wasting your life away, waiting to join her in heaven. She’d want you happy, and so do we. If you think it’ll break our hearts to see you move on, it won’t. We’d rather have Tracy here, ten times over, but she’s not. And it’s not fair for you to wait for her when she’s never coming back. Don’t get stuck, Noah. It’s okay to move on. It’s okay to open your heart again. It doesn’t mean Tracy will be pushed out. She’ll always be there, but the heart has room for more love. Your heart has room for more, and Tracy would want that.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but Amber cut me off. “Nope, I said I’d drop it, so that’s it. We’re moving on. But, Noah, if we as her parents are telling you it’s okay, and if we are telling you on behalf of our daughter that it’s okay…just well…just let that sink in. Now, let’s eat.”
Let that sink in…easier said than done.
Hadley
“EVERY HERO DESERVES a break even if it’s just a snack break. Congrats, you’ve made it to round two,” I read the note out loud. “Remind me why I let you talk me into this?” I asked Sidney. “Not sure my confidence can accept another rejection,” I told her.
“Okay, first off. This is a cute idea. And it’s true,” she responded. “Each of the contestants that made it to the second round deserves something for their efforts.”
“And the first-round contestants don’t?” I countered.
“They do, but we didn’t think of it then. We could always go back and send the ones that didn’t make this cut a consolation prize. Yeah,” she said as if she were answering herself. “Let’s do that. Next on your list of to-do’s. But first, second round with Noah.”
“I do like this idea,” I told her, looking back at the adorable little snack basket we’d come up with for each second-round contestant. We’d literally bought a ton of baskets, Costco-sized boxes of goodies from instant coffee to chocolate to cheese and everything between. I spent an entire day putting them together with the others on the team. We shipped the ones to the people who weren’t close by. But I was delivering mine personally to Noah. This was Sidney’s big idea and her way of forcing Noah to see me again without me being pushy. The rest of the team was delivering to other folks nearby—to be fair, of course. However, they each had quite a few people on their plates, and I only had Noah. Again, Sidney’s idea. I think she was hoping he’d take one look at me, flip his lid, and we’d sail off into the sunset.
I was, of course, dressed like I was waiting for Mr. Right to stop by at any moment, and I had to be in top shape. Body-hugging but classy dress? Check. Sexy shoes? Check. Hair blow-dried to fall in cascading but subtle curls? Check. Makeup on point? Check. Once again, Sidney’s idea.
“He has to take one look at you and realize two things instantly,” she’d told me after explaining her idea. “The first is that he wants you like crazy and can’t take his eyes off you. The second is that he needs to wonder.”
“Wonder what?” I asked.
“Wonder why you’re so dressed up. Like are you meeting someone else? And then wonder what it would be like for you to be with someone else. That leads to jealousy. And jealousy, my friend, is a catalyst for a lot of things.
“It’ll work, Hadley. And if for some reason, it doesn’t, then he’s not who you say he is, and he truly is undeserving of you. Besides, it’s still a nice thing we’re doing here. Small, but appreciated. Now go get him, tiger.”
“Wish me luck.”
“With the way you look, you don’t need luck. He does.”
“Close enough,” I muttered and headed to the hospital. Yes, I knew he was working that day, which was why we chose it. Showing up unannounced to his house was too personal. We didn’t want it to seem like I was pushing him or was desperate. It was my contest, so I was the one delivering the basket. He didn’t need to know he was my only contestant. At least, that was Sidney’s and my reasoning.
Luck was truly on my side when I stepped onto his floor. In theory, I could have just left the basket at the nurses’ station, but I wanted to see Noah. After all, that was the point of all this. At the same time, I didn’t exactly want to wait around either. But as I said, lucky me, he was walking down the hallway right by the elevator when I stepped off it.
“Oh, Hadley,” he said, but his voice was unsteady. I hated that this was the state of things between us. “I, uh, didn’t realize you were visiting Jacob today.”
“I’m not. I mean, I’ll stop by really quickly to say hi since I’m here, but I’m actually here to see you.”
That stunned him into silence, which in turn made me lose my words. We stood there awkwardly, something that wasn’t “us.”
“I hate this,” I told him.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly and hung his head a bit, making things even worse. “It’s my fault.”
“No, God, Noah. That’s not what I meant. I meant I hate this weirdness between us.”
“Me too,” he said. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.
“Stop saying sorry,” I told him and rolled my eyes. “Here, this is for you,” I said, shoving the basket into his arms.
“What’s all this?” he asked.
“You made it to the next round.”
“I…wait, what?” he asked. There was genuine surprise in his voice and his face, and I felt bad for him. To truly believe he’s not worthy of being called a hero was saddening.
“Maybe when you win this, you’ll finally see what we all see,” I told him. We were silent again, but this time, there was no awkwardness. At first, there was just nothing, both of us staring at each other, unsure of what to say. And then I saw it, the realization where Noah finally took me in, all of me. His eyes scanned me head to toe, unabashedly. The look in his eyes, a mixture of hunger and awe actually sent shivers down my spine, a tingling in my belly, and pride in my heart. Maybe Sidney was right.
“You look beautiful,” he said, his words sounding almost reverent before he added, “Going somewhere?” Well, shit…there was the second thing Sidney had talked about. Jealousy rearing its ugly—well, in this case, fan-fucking-tastic—head.
“I, uh, have to get back,” I said, purposely not answering his question. “This is a congrats on making it to the next level, plus a little thanks for being a hero basket from the magazine. All the contestants who made it to the second round get one.” Not sure why I felt the need to point that out. Maybe I wanted him to know he wasn’t special to me—at least not if I wasn’t special to him.
Look, I got it. I knew why he pushed me away. I knew deep down he was hurting. I knew he felt like he didn’t get happiness again. I knew it, I really did. Hell, I even explained that to Bella in my response email to him after she tore him a new one in hers. “No one rejects my bestie” were her words. Hell, I even admitted all this to Sidney. But knowing it and having your heart understand that was why you were rejected were two different things. That was when the petty in me came out.
“Oh, that’s nice,” he responded, clearly unsure what to say.
“Well, okay, I have to go. I’ll be in touch on what we need for the next round. Bye,” I said as I turned around to hit the elevator button. I guess no one had called it during our conversation because the door opened immediately. I stepped in and turned around to see Noah standing there, watching me.
“Hadley,” he said.
“Yeah?” I asked, pressing the “elevator-open” button.
He didn’t speak, and I knew he was probably waging an internal war. I prayed silently that the devil on his shoulder—because, let’s face it, that sneaky fucker was the one telling him to drop the basket, run into the elevator, and kiss me as though he needed me to breathe—was the one who would win. “Uh…thanks,” he said. I nodded, lifted my finger off the button, and watched the elevator door close.
And with the turn of my luck…the darn angel won.
Noah
IT’D BEEN A while since I visited the cemetery because I didn’t need to go to feel Tracy with me. She was always wit
h me, no matter what. Hell, she still held my heart. But something about being at her final resting place brought about a sense of calm for me. I knew it was like the placebo effect, but I needed one of those fake pills right about now.
Nothing was right. Nothing was even remotely right.
After my conversation with Amber and Jay, I’d already known I’d be seeing Tracy soon. I was just waiting for my next day off. I needed to be close to her. And then along came Hadley, and fuck, did I ever need to visit Tracy.
It was a mixture of guilt and longing. Guilt for feeling something for someone else. Hadley was one of those people who drew you in and made you want to be a part of her orbit, not giving a damn if you got too close to the sun because the burn would be worth it. Being her friend was inevitable, wanting her was destined…even if I had denied it, fought it, or rather, didn’t even realize it. The most important part was that she was humble, down to earth, and completely unaware of how mesmerizing she could be. That was rare, especially nowadays in a world where social acceptance was one of the most important factors in life.
I’d admit I wanted her.
I just couldn’t have her. Shouldn’t have her.
I didn’t deserve another chance. Not after failing Tracy.
Besides, I’d already had the love of my life, yet…
“And you have more room in your heart to let someone else in. So let Hadley in.” Amber’s words haunted me.
When Hadley walked onto the hospital floor, I was scared. Not of her but of my initial reaction to seeing her. For a moment, I’d forgotten I was supposed to stay away, and I was happy to see her. Then the awkwardness set in, just as she pointed out. As if I didn’t already have enough guilt. She didn’t deserve the shit I was serving her, but she was getting it anyway, foul taste and all.
It wasn’t until halfway through our exchange that I had the chance to take her in. And fuck…I repeat, fuck…she was gorgeous. And not an observation this time…a flat-out want. I wanted her. That was the moment I admitted it. More so because then I wondered who she’d dressed up for. And there goes another “fuck.” Because I was jealous. Yes, with only the second woman in my life, I was jealous. The first was my wife and now Hadley. I didn’t want to imagine someone else tasting her lips like I had, touching her when I couldn’t…
