by Renee, DC
And that was when the longing kicked in.
I just couldn’t have her. Shouldn’t have her.
As luck would have it, I was off the next day, so I made my way to visit Tracy.
“I miss you,” I started as I stared down at her tombstone. “I miss you every damn day. It should have been me. I shouldn’t have failed you, but I did,” I told her, my voice cracking. I told her this every time I visited. And it was no less true each time.
I paused to take a breath before I sat down beside her.
“I’m sure you already know I met someone,” I told her. “I didn’t mean to. And I sure as hell didn’t want to like her, but I do, Tracy. I do. I don’t deserve to, but I do.” Something was both odd and relieving about talking to your dead wife about the girl you were thinking about. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep her away. And I’m not sure I want to. She sees something in me that’s not there, but I’m drawn to her. I’m selfish, but I think about her the way I used to think about you when I first met you. I think you’d like her, but I…I don’t know what to do.” I need a sign, I thought but wasn’t courageous enough to say the words out loud.
“So young,” I heard beside me, and I looked up to find an older man shaking his head in pity. He was two graves away from me, but I’d never seen him before, not that I paid much attention when I came here. “Sister?” he asked.
“Wife,” I told him, standing up to give him respect.
“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head again. “My wife too,” he said as he nodded to the tombstone before him, his voice cracking much like mine had when I talked to Tracy. “Sixty-four years together, though. Nice long life but let me tell you, it doesn’t hurt any less having lived them all. Still miss her every day.”
It was my turn for sympathies. “I’m sorry,” I told him.
He nodded, and we stood in silence for a moment before I saw a lone tear trail down his cheek, at which point he turned away from me and focused on the grave before him.
I’d never cared or paid attention to the other people buried here, but I did now. I read the name, and I felt the blood drain from my face. It was a sign all right.
Almost eerily too damn perfect.
“Martha Hadley.”
That was his wife’s name. Last name Hadley.
Turning back to Tracy’s grave, I shook my head in disbelief before cracking a smile for the first time in a few days. “Alright, Trace,” I said out loud, using her nickname for the first time since her death. “I heard you loud and clear. I love you,” I told her, kissing my hands and pressing them to her tombstone.
My sign was Hadley.
Now it was time to let her know.
Hadley
“WHAT THE…?” I said out loud, letting the rest of the sentence hang in the air as I took in the piece of mail I was currently drooling at. “But how?” I asked, still staring at the picture.
I’d stopped by my mailbox on the way to my apartment like I did every day after work. Just a typical day, oh, you know, besides thinking about Noah and whether Sidney’s plan had worked. And if so, how long before he got his butt in gear. Like I said, totally typical. Insert sarcasm here. It had been five days—yes, I freaking counted, leave me be—since I’d stopped by the hospital. I’d told him I’d be in touch about what else we needed, and I really did need him. The next round was an interview, but of course, I was procrastinating on that.
“Uh, hello? Have I not taught you anything? Go get that damn interview. In person, I should add,” Sidney had told me. But I was holding out hope that Noah might contact me first. I had a couple more days before I’d have to cave.
I kept staring at the picture before me as I clumsily made my way to my apartment. It was hard to navigate the stairs and hallways if you weren’t looking. Even with the face half cut off and a surgical mask covering the rest, I knew exactly who I was staring at. And my God…it was blatantly obvious what kind of killer body Noah had, but like this…every fantasy was obliterated by reality. Hot. Freaking. Damn.
And that was it, just a glorious, glorious picture of Noah in his lab coat, a pair of low-slung jeans, and a mask. No note, no reason, no anything. This was exactly the type of picture I’d been teasing him about wanting. No, scratch that, this was somehow better.
I was so busy trying to keep my drool from hitting the floor that I almost didn’t notice the man standing at my door.
“I see you got my apology,” Noah said as he nodded toward the picture.
“If this is the apology I get, we should definitely have more issues. Lots of issues, hell, full-out fights are fine with me. But then you owe me scrubs and no mask.”
He broke out in a wide smile before it faltered a little. “Come on, inside you go, and you can tell me all about this photo shoot I missed out on.” I opened the door, and he followed me in before we somehow ended up on opposite sides of my kitchen counter.
“How’d you know where I lived?” I asked.
“I googled you,” he said with a shrug. Shit, I needed to google myself and see what else he found on me.
“What about this?” I asked as I held up the picture.
“I needed to apologize, and I knew words weren’t enough. You had joked about shirtless pictures, and as uncomfortable as it made me, I had a feeling you’d get a kick out of them.”
“Oh, I think I got more than a kick,” I told him with a raised eyebrow. “But how?”
“I have friends, you know,” he said wryly. “Most of them are busy with their families or careers, but we do talk and hang out. I just asked for some help. Took us a few days to find a time that worked and stage it, then print it.”
“Wait, wait, is this is the only picture you took?” I asked, immediately going for the good stuff.
“No, my friend’s wife helped, said she knew just the right look based on how I had described you and our own photo shoot. She took almost as many pictures as you did. But she said this was the winner.”
“Yeah, I’ll have to be the judge of that. I’ll need to see those other pictures, Dr. Shields. You know, for clinical purposes, to make sure I really have the winner. You understand, right, Doctor?”
He chuckled. “Uh, sure, we’ll see.”
“And the apology?” I asked, finally diving into the heart of it all.
“I’m sorry I kissed you the other day. Don’t get me wrong.” He backpedaled as soon as he saw my face fall. “It wasn’t a mistake, Hadley. I wanted to kiss you. I still do. I want a lot more, actually. But I was out of line that day. I took something you didn’t give me permission for. And then I pushed you away. You didn’t deserve that. And you didn’t deserve our first kiss with my head and heart full of guilt.”
“Noah,” I said, my heart breaking for him.
“I don’t know why you look at me the way you do As though I’m not a failure and I’m actually something quite the opposite. But I like that you do, and I don’t want you to stop. I, this…this is new for me. And my head is not in the right space for this to happen, but I want it to anyway. I guess you could say I’m selfish, but I want you, Hadley. I want to laugh with you, joke with you, just be with you. I’ve been happy for the first time in a long time since you came along. In just a short time, you broke through my walls, and now that they’re down, there’s no getting them back up. I still have some standing tall, but I figure we can climb them when we get there. I want to try. I want to give us a try. I can’t promise I won’t disappoint you. I can’t promise I won’t fail you. I can’t even promise that I’m deserving of that, especially with you, but I can promise to try. So I’m here to say sorry for stealing our first kiss, for kicking you out, for taking so long for my head to get on straight, and for wanting you even though I don’t deserve to. And I’m here to ask you on a date. What do you say, Hadley? Will you go on a date with me?”
I said no. Ha, what? You actually believed that? Have you not figured me out by now? Well, I didn’t exactly say yes.
What I did was walk around the kitchen counter, take Noah’s face in my hands, and stare into his eyes, watching the worry, the hope, the fear pass through them like an open book, so easy to read.
“That was a really good first kiss,” I told him. “And as much as it hurt that you pushed me away, I understood why. My fragile ego didn’t like the rejection, but you made up for that now, Noah. And if you don’t see that, then I’ll make my own promise to you. I’ll try to get you to see what a good man you are. And that you do deserve happiness. I accept your apology, but if you insist, we can re-write our first kiss,” I added. Then I pulled his face down so that his lips met mine. At first, our kiss was slow, but then it was like Noah suddenly woke up, and his mouth pressed against mine—hard, rough, and unforgiving. It was just like the kiss the other night, full of need and desire, but something about this one was more. Maybe it was the weight that had been lifted from his chest, or maybe it was knowing we both wanted it, but there was an extra spark, something that made this kiss the best first kiss ever.
“Does that mean you’ll go on a date with me?” he asked, his lips turning up in a slight smile after we broke apart.
“Oh, Noah, if you can’t tell that was a yes, then I’m clearly doing something wrong.”
“I’m willing to be the guinea pig for you to keep trying to get it right,” he said with a chuckle.
“I’m sure you would, but a girl has to save some tricks for the first date.”
“Tricks, huh?” he asked.
“Definitely,” I told him with a wink.
“Alright, then I, uh…I should probably go,” he said as he adjusted himself, an embarrassed smile lighting up his face. I giggled and felt damn proud of myself. Like a sexy little vixen. With just one kiss, I got Dr. Hottie all worked up.
“But I’ll call you, text you, and plan our date.”
“I can’t wait,” I told him before he walked out, letting me stare back down at the picture he’d left with me. Oh yeah, definitely couldn’t wait.
Noah
A DATE…WHAT the hell did a date even look like? I hadn’t dated since Tracy, and even then, we’d grown close quickly. Let me tell you, there was a very real difference between a dating-date and a couple-date. The former was the wooing kind, and the latter was the comfortable kind. Not that I wasn’t comfortable with Hadley because I was, but we weren’t a couple. We were two people trying to figure out if we could handle my baggage.
I needed advice, but I hadn’t told my family about Hadley yet. I didn’t talk to them every day, but if I was being honest, that wasn’t the reason. They were just as big of cheerleaders for my moving on as my in-laws. The difference was my in-laws saw me all the time, so there was no way to avoid giving them hope. I could spare my family that. Better to wait and let them know only if things progressed.
It felt weird asking Amber and Jay, so I called up the same friend and his wife, who had helped me with the photo shoot.
“She seems like a fun girl,” Jessica told me. “So do something fun.”
“Come on, Jes,” I told her. “You know me and fun don’t go together. What the hell is there that’s fun to do?”
She rattled off a bunch of ideas, but nothing seemed right.
It wasn’t until Hadley texted me to tell me she needed to interview me for the next round that I got an idea. “Preferably in person so people can see the real you. If you’re not comfortable with that,” she told me after I called her asking what kind of interview, “then I can write it up, but I think having a visual representation will help the readers connect with you.”
I didn’t like the idea of being on camera like that, but for her, I’d do it. In fact… “I have an idea,” I told her.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Can you meet me at the hospital tomorrow at six?” I asked.
“I thought you weren’t working tomorrow,” she countered.
“I’m not. Bring your camera. We’ll do the interview, but then, you’re mine.”
“Oh, so we’re having our date after, huh?”
“Yeah, Hadley, we are.”
I’d had to ask a couple of the staff for some help, but by the time six o’clock rolled around, everything was ready.
I stood waiting by the elevator lobby a few minutes before six. When I saw Hadley stroll in, I had to remind myself I was in a public place—my place of business, to be exact.
She was so fucking beautiful; it almost hurt to look at her. And I realized my new favorite look was Hadley in a dress. Every time she wore one, I imagined peeling it off her to find those curves as her body welcomed mine. I coughed to cover my groan.
“Follow me,” I told her when she noticed me standing there. I saw her mouth turn up in an appreciative smile as she took me in. I couldn’t help but stand a little taller.
I took her to the media room. This was basically a communal entertainment room with chairs, toys, games, and a TV. It wasn’t just for cancer patients, but for all the long-term patients. If they were able to get around, they were welcome to come here and hang out.
“I’ll be honest,” I told her after she’d taken a seat across from me at one of the tables in the room. “I’m not comfortable being on camera like this,” I said.
“Why didn’t you tell me? It’s fine, Noah. I’ll just ask you the questions and write down the answers.”
“No…no,” I repeated after taking a breath. “It’s not that I’m not comfortable with you interviewing me. It’s that I still don’t feel worthy of this competition, and I don’t want to fool people into feeling sorry for me and then voting. But I know that’s my hang-up. I do. And I promised I’d try for you. So this,” I said, waving my hand around the room, “is me trying. This is your job, a job you care about, and I care about you. You want me to connect with the readers? What better way than to show them a little piece of hospital life without exploiting any of the patients.”
Hadley didn’t speak, didn’t say a word, but her lips quivered, and I watched as her eyes began to water. “Hadley?” I asked. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “So much more than okay. Noah, you don’t even realize how great you are. I think that might be the best part.”
“No, I’m just a guy trying to impress a girl.”
“It’s working,” she said and then got down to business, asking me the questions she’d written down. We went through her list as she held up her little camcorder on me, occasionally showcasing the room we were in.
“Thank God,” I said when it was finally over.
“It wasn’t so bad,” she said with a teasing smile.
“Oh, yeah? Next time, I’m interviewing you.”
“You can interview me any time you want,” she responded, and the smirk on her lips told me her version of an interview wasn’t the back-and-forth question session we’d just had. I found myself smiling in return. “Okay, Dr. Shields, where to now?”
“It all started here,” I told her.
“What started here?” she asked.
“Well, it technically started at my place when you stopped by to talk to me about the contest, but that didn’t go over well, so we’re not counting that,” I told her with a wink. “Us, our friendship, building into more…it always seems to come back to this place. Or to my job here, the work I’m doing, and the volunteering you’re doing. You get the point. It’s not fancy, but I thought it would be right if our first date was here.”
“Holy shit, Noah, that is actually very sweet,” she said and smiled so wide that I knew I’d done the right thing. I took her hand and led her to the roof. I watched as she took in the scene, her face transforming from happy to awestruck.
This was where I’d needed help setting up. We’d placed a small table with two chairs topped with flowers in a vase and added sting lights and candles to decorate the space. Atop the table was food, thanks to the cafeteria, waiting for us. They’d cook up something special for us.
“Noah, my God…this is…this is magical,” sh
e said, turning around to take it all in. “And the view is breathtaking,” she said of the view overlooking the shorter buildings surrounding us, their twinkling lights like stars against the evening night sky.
“I can already tell you this is the best first date ever,” she told me, and I beamed.
“Wait until you try the dessert,” I said.
“I hope dessert involves your lips,” she told me.
“Nah, that’s the appetizer,” I said as I pulled her to me and claimed her mouth, tasting the sweetness she gave to me, all to me. I wanted to ravage her, to consume her, but I couldn’t. Not here, not yet. Pulling away, I led her to the table, pulled out her chair while she sat down, then sat down myself.
The rest of the night went by with a mixture of laughter and stories we’d yet to share with each other. You’d think we’d have run out of get-to-know-you topics, but we didn’t, and the night ended too quickly. But we had to get going because the staff needed to clean up, and we both had to get to work the next day.
I walked her to her car, kissed her once again, and watched her drive away, knowing after just one date that if anyone could claim a piece of whatever was left of my heart, it was Hadley. She would just have to thaw it first, but I knew she could.
Hadley
I WAS DATING Dr. Noah Shields. Damn, that felt good to say. So I repeat, I was dating Dr. Noah Shields. Hottie and hero, even if he chose not to believe it. What was it like to date him? It was like this…
That first date of ours had topped all first dates ever. He was right. It wasn’t fancy. It wasn’t gourmet. Let’s face it, hospital cafeteria food—as nicely served as it was—was still hospital cafeteria food. Not to say it wasn’t yummy, but it just wasn’t “restaurant” yummy, if you got what I meant. But it was thoughtful, romantic, and sweet. He didn’t just pick a restaurant and take me there. He made a restaurant and one with meaning.
