by Renee, DC
And he did the interview for me. I caught him fidgeting a few times during it, and let me tell you, Dr. Noah Shields did not fidget. Just goes to show how much he actually cared about getting it right and keeping his promise to try. And try, he was.
It didn’t end there. Noah was a closet romantic.
About twenty minutes after I’d made it home, I got a phone call from him.
“Miss me already?” I asked as I got ready for bed.
“Normally, I would have picked you up, but since I needed the extra time to finish getting ready, I couldn’t. I wanted you to know that’s the only reason I didn’t pick you up. I forgot to tell you that tonight.”
“It’s not a big deal, really,” I told him, and I meant it, but it warmed my heart even more that he felt the need to explain. It actually mattered to him.
“It is. Because now I don’t know if you made it home safely.”
I chuckled. “I did. I am. And I’m almost ready to hit the hay,” I told him.
“Then I should let you go,” he said.
“I had a really nice time today.”
“Me too,” he said. “Does that mean we’re on for a second date?”
“You have to know that I was attracted to you, Noah. I didn’t hide that. And the fact that I liked hanging around you…well, I would have said yes to a date and even a second and a third a while ago. After tonight, I think that’s been extended to ten dates.”
“Ten, huh?” he asked, and I could hear his teasing smile through the phone. “Guess I need to work on my game,” he added with a laugh.
“I think you have plenty of game,” I responded.
“Good, because I plan to win this one.”
“Oh God, no,” I said with a laugh. “No, nope, nuh-uh, you should have stopped while you were ahead.” He laughed too, but after we’d settled down, his tone grew serious.
“Why me?” he asked.
“Why you what?”
“You’re beautiful, smart, successful. You don’t have ghosts in your past or ones following you into your present. I’m just a guy who has just been going through the motions for the past two years because he couldn’t save his wife.”
“I don’t know grief,” I admitted. “But I do sympathize, and I know there is no time limit or set of rules for grief, especially not ones that tell you when you have to snap out of it. I imagine, too, that you’ll never fully leave the grief behind. That Tracy will always belong with you somehow. And I’m okay with that. I am,” I said, realizing for the first time how true that was. I didn’t feel as though I was competing with a ghost. Maybe it was because Noah didn’t let me feel like it. I was just competing for her worth. “Because that means you have a wonderful heart and that you’re human. If I lost anyone I loved right now, I’d keep them with me always, but that wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t have room in my heart for anyone else. I don’t know where we’ll end up, or how far we’ll go, but if it happens, I’ll be happy to know you’re capable of great love.” I paused to let that sink in. He didn’t say a word, so after a moment, I continued. “And Noah, you didn’t fail to save Tracy. Cancer is an asshole that doesn’t discriminate. Sometimes, it takes shitty people, and sometimes, it takes good people. But if it wants to take, there is nothing you or anyone can do. It’s not your fault. One day, maybe when this is all over, you’ll see that.”
I wasn’t sure how my words affected him, but I knew they did because he didn’t acknowledge them. Instead, he was quiet for another minute before he spoke again. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good night, Hadley.” And he did talk to me the next day as if we hadn’t had a deep conversation moment.
And then he took me out the next day. And twice more since. I’d call that officially dating. And each time was perfect. There were two things, though, that weighed on me. The first was that I wasn’t sure what to do about the contest now. Being his friend probably wasn’t the best idea since I was running the contest. I wasn’t the one voting, but it still posed a potential conflict of interest. But as friends, I could argue that every time we talked or hung out was somehow related to the contest because, to an extent, that was true. But dating? Yeah, that was a big no-no.
I emailed Bella about it, to which she responded, “At the end of the day, do you want to come home to your job or to Noah?” It was a bit extreme, if you ask me, but I got the point. I’d gladly step away, but this was my first big project at Modern Family. It was my baby. I’d put everything into this. Hell, it was even the reason I met the very conflict it was giving me. I didn’t want to walk away. Bella’s point, though, was asking me what was more important at the end of the day. The problem was, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. Noah and I were still new, and as amazing as it was right now, who knew where things would go. And I still got the feeling he was holding back. No, fuck that. I knew he was holding back. I just didn’t know if it was because of me or Tracy or, more realistically, because of him. If that were the case, I didn’t know that he’d ever give me all of him. After all, he had to believe in himself. I couldn’t be the one to do it.
So there you have it, folks. I wasn’t sure if potentially taking a step back in my career would be worth it if things didn’t pan out with Noah. God knew I wanted them to, but it was too early to tell—not for me, I’ll clarify. That man had wormed his way into my heart before he even kissed me. And every day, he burrowed in a little deeper. I wasn’t the problem. He was.
The second thing that weighed on me was that we had yet to go farther than kissing. I liked the kissing, I did, but with each touch, each taste, I wanted more. And I knew Noah wanted more too, but he hadn’t taken that step. He hadn’t said it, but I had a feeling he hadn’t been with anyone since Tracy, which meant I couldn’t be the one to do it. I wasn’t about to push him. He had to be the one to feel comfortable enough with me to jump to the next step…or maybe the next ten steps. At this point, I was totally okay skipping steps two through nine and jumping right into sexy time. What? Have you seen Dr. Hottie? Just looking at him made my panties wet. You can’t imagine what I did looking at the lovely picture he’d given me. Could you blame me for wanting him? Freaking sex on a stick, and I was dying to lick it.
So that, my friends, was what dating Dr. Noah Shields was like.
Noah
“THIRD ROUND,” HADLEY said as she walked in or rather, barged in—she did nothing half-assed—before giving me a quick peck on the lips. I’d been momentarily dazed at the swift contact and the loss of her lips to understand her words.
Two weeks. That was how long it had been since our first date, and although we’d gone on several more since then, we were still friends underneath it all. Just like the way we’d started, with her barreling past my defenses and making her way into my life to the point I didn’t want her out of it.
Right now, she was being my friend, but every minute with her, I wanted more and more. Which was exactly when the guilt set in.
So far, all we had done was kiss. It wasn’t as simple as it sounded. Nothing with Hadley was “simple.” She threw her whole self into everything. She was an open book, allowing you in while giving everything away. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. Kissing her was the same. They were all-consuming, filled with longing and desire—from both our ends. But she didn’t go further, and neither did I. I knew that was on me. I knew she was letting me lead because of my past and my hesitations. I appreciated that more than you could know. Just another reason Hadley was fucking perfect. And another layer of guilt to add to my ever-growing list.
Despite all the encouragement, all the signs, and even my own desire, it was impossible to shed the heaviness that was weighing me down that quickly. Even though I believed, deep down, that Tracy wanted me to be happy and move on, it was still hard to let go of the feelings of failure and the lack of deservingness. I couldn’t bring myself to take that next step, something so intimate, something that I’d last shared with my wife. It felt like a betrayal, even if I knew logically it wasn’t. It felt li
ke cheating even though it was far from it. It felt as though I was throwing away her love even though I knew I’d never let it go. These were the feelings I’d lived with for the past two years, and I couldn’t just get over them in two weeks.
It didn’t stop me from wanting to.
Wanting and doing were not the same.
And I was trying the “doing” part, but clearly, I was failing at that too. Hadley didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve a man who couldn’t give her his all. Yet, she was still here, and I was still selfishly keeping her. I wasn’t letting go because, for the first time, I didn’t want to be the man I was for the past two years. For the first time, I realized I had been a shell, and now that I had a glimpse of what life was like, I wanted to live it.
“Noah, you’re staring at my lips,” she said, calling me out. During my thought process, my body’s natural reaction was to crave more of her, if only just her lips. Smart body. But maybe next time, could you figure out a way to get over my head and go for more? “Aw, did Dr. Hottie feel rejected by my quick kiss?” she asked when I didn’t answer her right away. “Well, too bad, I’m here on business, baby,” she said with a smile so wide that I couldn’t help but laugh, pulling me out of my head.
“Okay, what’s this business?” I asked, not even remembering what she’d said when she first walked in.
“Did you not hear me?” she said with a shake of her head. “Third round.”
“Sorry, I don’t speak ‘Hadley.’ You’ll have to elaborate,” I teased.
“Oh, shut it. Or better yet, let me shut it for you,” she said as she stepped in closer, slowly drawing out the moment before our lips touched. It wasn’t quick this time. It was her telling me we were more than friends; this wasn’t just business. This was us. And fuck, if only I had the strength to take us to the next level…but I wasn’t strong. I was weak. It was my weakness that couldn’t save Tracy and so many of my other patients. It was my weakness that didn’t let Hadley go and find a worthier man.
“You made it to the third round,” she said after she pulled away, leaving me wanting more of her.
“What?” I asked.
“Uh, the Everyday Heroes contest? Ring a bell? You know, the one where you’re a contestant. The reason I’m here with your forgetful ass. But what a fine ass it is,” she said with a wink.
“You think my ass is fine, huh?” I asked, moving closer to her.
“You know I do,” she answered with a roll of her eyes. “But stop right there. Like I said, business.”
“Okay, business first. Then how about some dinner since you’re already here? Maybe a movie after?”
“Sounds good,” she said with a nod. “Okay, so you made it to the third round. Next up, we have to interview the people around you. It’s your choice who, but people who can basically corroborate that you’re a hero.”
“I’m not,” I answered her.
“The readers say otherwise.”
“It’s the way you’re spinning the story,” I said a little too harshly. I saw her flinch at my tone, and my guilt flared up again.
“You’ve seen everything we posted before it did. I’m not spinning anything,” she said, and the hurt in her voice was unmistakable.
“I’m sorry,” I told her. “That was out of line. I just don’t get it. I’m not a hero.”
“When are you going to see yourself the way I see you? The way others see you? You’ve heard the saying about how good people can do bad things and vice versa? You think that doesn’t apply to other situations? You think heroes are perfect all the time? I’ve got news for you, buddy. That only works in movies. And even then, they tend to mess up somewhere in the middle so there’s a storyline in the first place. Heroes aren’t perfect. They’re just people who do heroic things.”
“I’m not running into a firefight to save someone’s life,” I countered.
“Most people aren’t. But you’re there on the sidelines, helping those in need to the best of your ability. That makes you a hero. Not the results, the actions, Noah. It’s that you’re trying your best and then some in a very noble way. You’re a hero. An everyday hero. The quiet kind. The one who puts on a brave face when giving bad news, who offers a shoulder to cry on or a kind gesture. The one who brings smiles and happy news to others and works overtime so others with a family don’t have to, and the one who does everything possible to help your patients see another day. I can’t wait for you to finally open your eyes and see that. That will be an amazing day.”
“You’re wrong. If it was about the actions, then you’d be a hero too. You’re selfless and kind—”
“I might be those things,” she said, interrupting me. “But I’m not doing anything to truly help others. There is a difference between being a good person and being a person who is making a difference in people’s lives. I’m not the latter. You are. Police are. Social workers are. So many others. But not me.”
I shook my head in response. “One day, Noah. One day, you’ll see.”
“Maybe,” I answered. But that day was not today.
Hadley
“SO OUR GOOD doctor made it to the next round, huh?” Sidney asked as both of us were walking out of the conference room together after a staff meeting.
“He did,” I said, beaming with pride. I’d had my money on him from the very first moment, so I was happy work-wise, of course. But now I was also happy because he was more than just the guy I thought might win. He was my guy now. To me, he was truly a hero, and I was happy others were seeing it too. Now, if only he saw it. If only…
“I see that smile,” she told me, and I blushed a little. “I take it things are going well, in that case?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I answered with a goofy smile. How could I not? I was picturing Noah. More specifically, I was picturing the picture he’d given me. Here’s another if only…if only I could see even more than what the picture offered…specifically in real life. If only…sigh…yes, even my damn thoughts sighed at that. I wouldn’t push him, but it was getting hard—pun intended. What? You should know I have no filter by now.
“You’re thinking of the picture, aren’t you?” she asked with a chuckle. Of course, I’d told Sidney about it. She’d become someone I could confide in, my stand-in Bella if you’d like to call her that.
“Busted,” I said, and we laughed.
“Look,” she started, her tone getting more serious as we made it to her office, and I instinctively followed her in. She sat at her desk, and I took the chair opposite as she spoke again. “I’m guilty myself, you already know, so I’m not going to harp on this, but you need to start thinking about what you’re going to do if he makes it to the last round,” she told me. “As is, people might start talking about how he took the spot of someone more worthy because of your relationship.”
“We have the poll numbers to prove otherwise,” I countered.
“I know that, and you know that, but when money and glory are on the line, people will say the numbers were faked.”
“I know,” I conceded.
“I’m looking out for you,” she said. “I don’t want this to stain your reputation. But I’m also looking out for the magazine too. It’s my duty to protect it from scandal. You understand, right?”
“I do,” I said with a nod.
“As I said, no one knows anything for now. And honestly, if he doesn’t win, no one will make a big deal about it. But what if he is the winner? People will look at him more closely, and then they’ll see you. You have some time until then, but you need to start thinking about that.”
“That’s the problem,” I admitted. “I don’t know if I’m throwing away my work future for a nonexistent personal future.”
“Elaborate,” she demanded.
“This contest is my first big project.”
“And it won’t be your last,” she countered.
“Hopefully, but I’m also invested in it. I don’t want to drop the ball or put it on someone else’s shoulder
s. I also don’t want to feel like I’m letting the team down.”
“No one would feel that way, Hadley, I can assure you. And there are plenty of other folks who would be happy to take over.”
“I know, and I’d step down if I was sure there was something between Noah and me.”
“It sure sounds like there is to me.”
“Things are great,” I told her. “But we haven’t…you know…”
“Bumped uglies, polished the knob, sat on the sausage?” she said with a huge smile on her face.
“Sat on the sausage? That’s a new one.”
“Really? That’s your response?” she asked.
“Okay, fine, we haven’t had sex. And I know it’s not because he doesn’t want me.”
“How do you know?”
“His sausage,” I deadpanned with a raised eyebrow.
She barked out a laugh. “Okay, you got me there. So then what’s the problem.”
“He’s holding back, and I’m not sure if he’ll ever let go with me. Not just the sex. But that is definitely an indication. I just don’t want to waste my time or make decisions based on a what-if.”
“I did,” she said.
“That was different.”
“No, Hadley, it wasn’t. It was just a matter of whether it was worth the risk. And it was. Grayson was. He will always be. Is Noah?”
“I don’t know,” I said quietly.
“Then I guess you have to figure out if he is.”
“Oh crap,” I said, cutting the conversation short as I glanced at the clock behind her. “I forgot I have to leave early for a doctor’s appointment.”
“Oh? Is that what they’re calling it these days? Tell Noah I say hi,” she said with a wink.
“Haha, nope, it’s my yearly.”
“Even better. Get things in order so Noah can get you in order.”
