by Renee, DC
“I don’t even know how to respond to that,” I told her.
“Tell him you’re ready for your complete physical,” she teased.
“I might resort to that,” I grumbled. “My girly parts are one hundred percent on board with you.”
“Oh, God, Hadley, please don’t call them your girly parts,” she said, but she was smiling the entire time. “Okay, but seriously. I might be joking, but why not push him a little? I’m not saying past his comfort zone,” she added when she saw I was about to protest. “I get that you don’t want to make him uncomfortable and that it’s his choice. So make it his choice, but make him want you so badly he has no choice but to follow you out of the bubble he’s built for himself. Tease him a little. Walk the line.”
“I wish I knew how.”
“You’ll figure it out. Now go before you’re late.”
She was right. So far, pushing Noah just a bit was what made him slowly break out of his shell. It wasn’t just good for me—although, of course, I wanted him, all of him—it was good for him too. Just another thing to figure out. But I would.
Noah
THREE YEARS. THAT was how long Tracy had been gone. One day. Twenty-four hours. That was the difference between two years and three. Today was that day. Today changed her time away from me to three years.
I’d been so wrapped up in my happiness and in Hadley that I almost forgot. Almost. As if I had enough room for more guilt. But you guessed it, guilt on the highest level.
I took the day off; it was granted without question. My boss, the staff…they all knew what today was. They’d been there through it all, watching as Tracy took a part of me with her as her light went out…three years ago today.
I’d spent the entire morning at the cemetery, sitting by her grave.
“I miss you, Trace,” I told her. “I miss you every goddamn day,” I said as the tears came. I wasn’t much of a crier until I found out just how sick Tracy was. That day, I broke down in the shower. I didn’t let her see me fall apart, but deep down, I had known only a miracle would save her. I cried when I saw her wasting away, but I didn’t cry when she died. The tears had dried up by then, or maybe I was too numb to feel anything. I hadn’t cried more than a few times since then, three to be exact—on each anniversary of her death. And each time, it was as I tried and failed miserably to spend the time reflecting on what our life had been rather than what it could have been. Today was no different.
“You are my heart, Trace,” I said. “And without my heart, I don’t know if I can keep going.” Just a day before, it had felt like my heart was finally beating freely, expanding to allow room for more. Now, it felt like my heart wasn’t even in my chest. It was in the ground, buried six feet under with my wife. How so much could change in twenty-four hours. I tried not to think about Hadley or how fucked up my feelings were toward her. She was a good person, and she needed someone better than me, someone with a whole heart to give her.
“I’m trying, though,” I admitted. “Or at least I was until today.”
What changed? I asked myself, knowing that was exactly what Tracy would say.
“You.”
But I’m still gone, and you’re still alive. Nothing has changed. It was as if I was hearing her voice inside my head, but I knew it was my subconscious trying to break through. Nonetheless, it didn’t stop me from having the internal dialogue.
“I almost forgot the anniversary of your death.”
Good. I don’t want you to remember the pain or the sadness of losing me. I want you to remember the good times we had when I was alive. Don’t you want those again? You have a chance. I could literally picture her serious face and hear her stern voice as if she were chastising me. I used to laugh when she did, and she’d tell me it wasn’t funny before I’d wrap her in my arms, and say, “Then stop being so amusing.”
“It’s too hard, Trace. It’s too fucking hard. I don’t want a life without you,” I cried, my voice breaking. “I didn’t want you to leave me. It should have been me. It should have been me,” I repeated before allowing my tears to overcome me as the inner voice faded away.
I spent the remainder of the morning just sitting by her grave. I would have stayed there all day, but even I knew that wasn’t what a sane person did.
I made my way home, grabbed a beer from the fridge, and sat down to nurse it. As I stared into space, the familiar feelings of numbness slowly crept back in.
“Noah.” I heard someone say my name, followed by a knocking sound, and I realized I hadn’t moved in hours. “Noah, I saw your car, so I know you’re in there. Let me in,” she said. “Well, I guess you could have walked somewhere or taken a bus, or maybe someone picked you up,” she mumbled, but I heard her, and my lips involuntarily kicked up a bit at the sides.
I got up and walked over to my door, then opened it without a word. I expected her to say something, to walk in like she always did, something, anything…what I didn’t expect was her to take one look at me and dive in for a hug. Wrapping her small arms around my torso, she squeezed me tight.
“Oh, Noah,” she said with a sad sigh. I knew she didn’t know what today was, but I knew she didn’t hesitate to give me whatever comfort she could, however she could. I only waited for a beat before my hands wrapped around her body in return. We stayed that way in the open doorway of my home for minutes before I had the wherewithal to pull away enough to close the door and go back to the living room. Hadley followed.
“I was worried,” she said as I took a seat. “You weren’t at the hospital today when I was there with Jacob, and I didn’t think today was your day off. So I tried calling and texting, but you never responded. Now, I can see I was right to worry. What happened?”
“It’s been three years,” I told her, my voice flat.
That she didn’t need me to clarify was a testament to the kind of person she was. And even more so that she didn’t walk away. Instead, she made her way to kneel in front of me. She took my hands in hers and looked up into my eyes. “I can’t understand what it feels like, not on any day and especially not today, but I know if it were me in your shoes, I’d probably be crumpling right now. And if I’m right, you’re crumpling inside because you’ve learned to be strong on the outside so you don’t fall apart. But you don’t have to be strong with me. I’m here, Noah. And I’m not going anywhere. So let me shoulder your pain, let me hold your walls up. Give me your grief. I can take it, I promise. And I’ll help you from falling apart. It’s okay to mourn. So lean on me and mourn.”
Her words…my God, her words…
I broke. All the feelings, all the emotions, they poured out of me as Hadley maneuvered to hug me and hold me, letting me use her the way she said I could.
Selfish. It was selfish of me. But it was selfless of her.
And it made an incredibly difficult day—a normally shitty day—a little easier to handle.
And once again, I felt as if I hadn’t lost my heart. It was still there, beating faintly but beating nonetheless.
Hadley
NOAH AND I sat like that long after the sun went down. I didn’t care about the kink in my neck or the mascara tracks down my own cheeks from the silent tears I shed for this beautiful, broken man. I only cared about Noah and the fact that he was hurting. The fact he trusted me enough at that moment to let his guard down.
I wasn’t going to break that.
At some point, he let go, falling back onto the couch with his eyes closed and his body clearly spent. He’d needed that cleansing, and I was more than happy that I could give it to him. Getting up, I went to the bathroom and cleaned up my face before I rummaged around in his kitchen and made something to eat.
He’d seen what I was doing, but neither one of us said a word. When I put the food on the table, he got up and walked over. He sat down and started eating, his eyes not leaving my face.
“Thank you,” he said quietly. “Thank you,” he repeated between bites.
“Don’t thank me,”
I told him.
“I need to thank you,” he responded. “Because today was a difficult day for me, but you made it better. You knew. Somehow, you knew I needed you, and you were there. And then you let me take all your strength. I didn’t realize I’ve been internalizing a lot of my grief. It needed an outlet, and you gave me that. And even now, you’re still taking care of me,” he said as he waved his hand over the simple dinner I’d made.
“I was hungry,” I said with a shrug.
“Don’t…don’t belittle what you’ve done for me.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“She was my life, Hadley. She was taken from me and not by choice. When that happened, I might as well have died too. But here you are, breathing life into me. Standing by me while I mourn someone I love, will always love. She’ll always be a part of me,” he told me. I knew that was his way of trying to warn me away because he didn’t think he deserved what I was offering. His words didn’t hurt because I knew what he meant.
“I knew what I was getting into, Noah,” I told him. “You’ve never once made me feel like I was competing against a ghost. I understand she’s a part of your life, and she should be. She helped shape you, helped make you who you are. She helped bring you to me. I would be worried if you didn’t have this kind of reaction on today of all days. That would mean you no longer had a heart. And without a heart, I’m wasting my time here. You’re human. You are not only entitled to grieve but you’re also expected to. That doesn’t mean you don’t have room for me in your heart. Or someone else. You aren’t scaring me away, Noah. I know, deep down, you don’t think you should have happiness, and that includes me. That’s what I’m competing against. You. But you’re worth it. I just…I just need a hint that you believe it too.”
“I’m trying,” he said.
I nodded. “Today isn’t the right day or time to have this conversation anyway.” We finished eating in silence and cleaned together without a word.
“I should be heading home,” I told him once we’d finished.
“Stay,” he said. I froze, like a statue, as if someone had said, “Simon says, ‘Freeze.’” “Please,” he said, his eyes pleading with me. “I don’t want to be alone,” he admitted, and I let go of the breath I was holding. “Not like…nothing sexual,” he added. “I just don’t want to be alone with my thoughts and my grief. I don’t want to go back into my shell.”
“Of course,” I told him. “I’ll stay.”
I saw his shoulders relax as he took in my words. “Thank you.”
He handed me a T-shirt and a pair of boxers before making his way to the restroom. I changed quickly, inhaling the scent of his shirt as I did so. I used the restroom after him, pleasantly surprised to find a new toothbrush on the counter. I slipped into bed, afraid to touch him or even say anything. He must have felt the same way because a moment later, he released a mirthless laugh. “This isn’t us,” he said. “This isn’t why I asked you to stay. I need you, Hadley. You. The one who makes me laugh and feel like things will actually be okay.”
Instinctively, I moved closer to him. Pressing into him, I threw my arm over his torso. “I’m here, Noah. I’m here, and everything is going to be okay. I know it. Now it’s your turn to know it. But for now, it’s been a long day, and I have to wake up early so I can make it home and change before work, so it’s time to sleep.”
“Oh shit, Hadley. I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think. If you need to go home—”
“No,” I cut him off. “I’m right where I need to be, but I do need to sleep, so shut it, Dr. Hottie.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said with a laugh. We were silent for a while before he said, “Thank you.” And with that, I drifted off to sleep.
Noah
I HADN’T BEEN able to sleep much. My body had been so drained that it naturally shut down at one point to allow at least a brief recharge. I spent most of the time staring at Hadley. Today, she gave me something I don’t think she even realized. She gave me hope.
Nothing could take away from my love for Tracy, but it didn’t stop my heart from wanting more. I had never thought that was possible until that day when I was able to gain strength from the woman who I was with to mourn for the woman who I lost. Irony at its finest. Realizing there was still love to be had on the anniversary of the day I lost my love.
I didn’t say I loved Hadley. We weren’t there yet, but I knew it was possible.
Maybe I knew it deep down, but I didn’t think I could have it. I shouldn’t have it. Either way, Hadley showed me there was more than I was allowing myself to have in life…in love.
“Morning,” she said with a sleepy smile, breaking me out of my thoughts.
“Morning,” I answered.
“Oh crap, did I oversleep?” she said as she shot up, almost knocking her head into mine. I had to fall back onto the pillow to avoid a headbutt. “Shit, sorry,” she muttered as she looked around for the clock. “I still need to make it to my place to change before work.”
I chuckled at her antics. “No, your alarm hasn’t gone off yet. You still have an hour if you want to go back to sleep,” I told her.
“What?” she asked as she looked at me. “What the heck woke me up? Oh my God, you were watching me sleep, weren’t you?” she asked. I barked out a laugh. “You’re a creeper! I knew it,” she said, but the smile on her face told me she was teasing.
“Caught me,” I said with my own teasing smile.
She chuckled and then turned serious. “How long were you watching me sleep?”
“A while,” I admitted.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I am,” I repeated with more confidence, realizing I truly was. And it was thanks to Hadley. On instinct, I leaned down and captured her lips. It wasn’t a peck, not even close. I must have caught her off guard because she gasped, and I took the opportunity to kiss her deeper, my tongue brushing hers.
“Wait, wait,” she said as she pushed me off her.
“Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—” I didn’t stop to think whether she wanted this. All I knew was that I did. I wanted it…her…us. No, I needed her.
“No, no, it’s not that,” she said with a shake of her head. “But, hello, morning breath,” she said as she covered her mouth with her hand. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. Leave it to Hadley to break up a perfectly good kiss—no, there was nothing “good” about that kiss, it was phenomenal, just like all our others were—with worries of morning breath.
“Do I look like I care?” I asked.
She shook her head and slowly lowered her hand. That was all the invitation I needed, my mouth moving back to hers. This time, she didn’t push me away. This time, she moaned as I moved my body to cover hers, both still fully clothed but moving against each other like a pair of horny teenagers.
I needed her. I had needed her from the moment I met her. From the moment we started dating. But it was different now, and I wasn’t afraid.
“Tell me,” I said against her lips. “Tell me you want me as much as I want you because I’m about to start something I won’t be able to stop.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, looking me directly in the eyes.
“Never been more sure,” I told her.
“I want you, Noah. I’ve wanted you since I first saw you, all cocky and acting like an asshole when you shut the door in my face. You were hot, are hot, and we both know I think so. But it’s more than that. I saw, even at that moment, how vulnerable you could be. And then you let me experience it firsthand. You’re truly something special, and I want this with you.”
She had a way with words, a way of giving me exactly what I needed without me even realizing I needed it.
I pulled my shirt over my head before pulling mine over her head too. “Fuck,” I said as I looked down at her perky breasts. I couldn’t help the need to lick her nipples, to suck them into my mouth, so I did, and she dug her hands into my hair, bucking her hips up. Shit, I wasn’t going to last
once I had her. I was painfully hard.
I began to trail down, surprised my tongue remembered what to do even after all these years. When I got to the boxer shorts I’d given her, I pulled them down with ease.
“Noah,” she said, and I looked up to see a question in her eyes.
“It’s been a while,” I told her. “I haven’t…not since…I’m going to be honest here and tell you I don’t know how long I’m going to last, so I’m going to make you come first, on my tongue, on my fingers.”
“Oh God,” she cried out, and I hadn’t even touched her yet.
My tongue found her clit as my fingers pushed inside. Fuck. Heaven. What the hell had I been waiting for? She was whimpering, encouraging me without words to keep going. She bucked up, telling me I was making her feel good, but if she only knew this was just as good for me. Her sweetness was all around me, and all I wanted to do was drink more and more. I was a perverse fucking man, but I didn’t care. I had Hadley’s pussy in my mouth and her hands in my hair. Perverse, I’d be.
She cried out my name as her orgasm ripped through her, and damn if that didn’t do things to my ego.
I got up and took off my boxers, watching her watch me, and then took in her body all at once rather than as I trailed down with my mouth. “You’re stunning,” I told her. “Fucking beautiful.”
She blushed as she took a moment to rake her eyes down my body. I chuckled as I saw her eyes widen when she reached my dick. “Holy shit,” she whispered, and there went my ego once again. “You were hiding that thing under your pants this entire time?” she asked. I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m going to need some new pictures,” she announced. “Just the lab coat this time. And I mean just the lab coat. No pants, Dr. Hottie.”
“Why?” I asked. “You can have the real thing whenever you want.”
“Oooh, good point. Okay, you may proceed,” she said, and again, I laughed. It was just like her. And that was why I wanted to take this step with her. She was the light to my darkness, the breath of fresh air, the comfort with touch and with humor, and she was mine. She was mine. And I was finally going to claim her.
