I Had That Same Dream Again

by Yoru Sumino

  “Happiness is…”

  “Yes?”

  “Being able to say that you’re happy right now.”

  Of all the answers I had received, hers was the easiest to understand, and the one that sunk most easily into my heart. And yet…

  “I don’t think I could understand that without living a reeeally long time.”

  “That’s true. The happiness I feel is my own, as someone who has lived far longer than you. It’s different from your happiness. You have to find your own, Nacchan.”

  In the end, no matter how much I learned, I would have to think about this myself. As we drank our juice together, gazing at the picture on the wall, I suddenly remembered what I had in my bag.

  “Oh, right! I got a picture from Kiriyuu-kun.”

  I pulled the sheet of paper from my backpack. Knowing Kiriyuu-kun as well as I did, it was impressive that he had shown me a picture at all, but since he had given it to me, I couldn’t pass up a chance to show it off.

  It was a picture of a flower. Looking upon this colored pencil drawing, the creases of Granny’s face deepened.

  “It’s…so lovely.”

  “Isn’t it? I can’t believe he was hiding his talent. That’s what they call a waste, right? I bet if he keeps practicing, he’ll be as amazing at drawing as your friend.”

  “Heh heh, my friend is amazing, then? If you say so, then perhaps it’s true.”

  “Absolutely,” I said, unyielding.

  Then I sat down on the end of Granny’s bed, and talked about Our Seven Days’ War, because I had not gotten to talk about it with Ogiwara. When I asked about how stupid the adults were in the book, she laughed and said that there are far more stupid adults than smart ones, and that just because an adult was smart didn’t mean that they were a good person.

  I loved talking about stories. I wish I could discuss Minami-san’s story in the same way, but just as I thought of this, the clock chimed. It was time to go home.

  As I stood up, Granny lay back down, going back to her nap. I headed to the door with Miss Bobtail in tow, quietly so as not to disturb Granny. In all honesty, I should have left then, but I stopped.

  “Hey, Granny?”

  I felt uneasy.

  “You won’t disappear too, will you?”

  She did not reply. Instead, I could hear contented sounds of her breathing. Careful not to disturb her, I fell quiet and left the wooden house with my little friend at my side.

  I visited the cream-colored apartment building many times after that day, but Skank-san was never there.

  After Skank-san disappeared, I had only two choices of destination after school. One was Granny’s house atop the hill. The other was…

  “I’m not really good at Othello, though.”

  “Well then, I’ll let you go first.”

  I had started collecting Miss Bobtail after school and heading to Kiriyuu-kun’s house. The first time I had shown up with my Othello set in tow, he was surprised, but his mother happily brought me orange juice. After a few visits, the shock finally wore off, and Kiriyuu-kun and I played Othello and drew pictures happily together. It was good for each of us to have something we were better at.

  When I was at Kiriyuu’s house, my little friend always waited outside. She was rather shy, after all, and so was Kiriyuu-kun. Once, I invited him to come to Granny’s house, but he just froze, looking troubled.

  “Well then, good tidings to you and your mother until we meet again,” I said in parting, as I did every day, waving to the two smiling faces before heading for the usual steep path with my black-furred friend.

  “Happiness won’t cooome, wandering my way sooo!”

  “Meow meow!”

  “It’ll be summer vacation soon. What’re you gonna do?”

  “Meow.”

  “Well, you’re awfully carefree. I want to go to the pool. I have a new friend now. I should try to find a pool that lets in animals as well as humans.”

  “Meow…”

  She gave me an awkward look. She probably wasn’t so fond of the water.

  “It’ll be fine. I can’t swim a whole twenty-five meters yet either. And if you really don’t want to go, I’ll find somewhere else for the three of us. Life is like summer vacation.”

  “Meow.”

  “You can do whateeeever you want! So you gotta find something awesome… That one might be a little too easy, huh?”

  As we chatted, we soon arrived at Granny’s house. As always, I looked at the paper posted on the door, and as always I stepped inside. It was still hushed inside the wooden house, and although we couldn’t hear a sound, there was no need to go searching for Granny.

  These days, she was always sleeping. Sometimes she noticed when I came in, other times she slept right through. I never tried to wake her. I would sit on the floor reading a book, or look at the picture on the wall, or play with my little friend. Sometimes she woke up before I had to go home; sometimes she didn’t. When she didn’t wake up, I always tore a page from my notebook and wrote her a note to say we had come.

  “You seem to get sleepy a lot in summer. I always get sleepy in spring.”

  “When you get older, time seems to go more quickly. Perhaps I’m already in next spring,” she said once.

  I thought it was a truly curious and wonderful sentiment. If time moved faster for you, then you could have so many more fun times in a year, after all. Even so, I began to worry about just how much she seemed to be napping.

  Ever since Skank-san disappeared, Granny always seemed to be sleeping, and often times did not even notice I was there. I worried that if she napped that often during the day, she might not be able to sleep at night. But that was not all that worried me.

  Summer vacation would soon be upon us, and so would the final presentation of our unit. What was happiness? The days flew by, and I could not formulate an answer. At this rate, I really was going to run out of time.

  Granny was asleep again today. Sitting beside her, I stared up at the ceiling, my arms folded. But no answer came falling down from the sky. Probably because the ceiling was in the way.

  Time plods on and never seems to return. No matter how much you need it, no matter how much you beg it, it never comes back. Both Minami-san and Skank-san had told me that, and I knew that they would not try to trick me, but it was only when I experienced it for myself that I realized how true it was.

  Before I knew it, the day before the presentation was upon us, and I still had no answer to the question.

  I had talked a lot with Kiriyuu-kun and Hitomi-sensei about happiness, and yet I’d still had no luck assembling the jigsaw puzzle of the answer. Kiriyuu-kun always seemed a little embarrassed whenever we talked about it, but at least he had decided to make his presentation about his drawing after all.

  “What about you?” he asked, but I still had not prepared an answer.

  “When you’re drawing people’s faces,” he told me. “You start with a circle, then divide it in half up and down and then the eyes come next, right in the middle.”

  “When you’re playing Othello,” I told him. “You want to try to capture the corners as often as possible. Then you can’t get cornered yourself, get it?”

  Then Miss Bobtail and I headed off to Granny’s house, like always.

  Maybe I don’t even need to bother heading there today, I thought, but elected to go after all.

  Why would I even consider not going to Granny’s house? I always went there, but for the past week, I hadn’t been able to speak to her even once. She had been asleep every time I got there, not awakened once when I arrived. She just lay there on her bed, breathing softly. She was sleeping so often she might even be forgetting to eat. She seemed to be growing thinner.

  If she is just going to be sleeping peacefully again today, I thought, then maybe I am better off staying with Kiriyuu-kun and discussing happiness. But I chose to go anyway. There was no particular reason. I had already gotten my final hint from Granny, who had lived fa
r, far longer than me. My black-furred friend seemed to support the decision to relocate, although she probably just wasn’t fond of Kiriyuu-kun.

  So I headed towards the big wooden house, expecting to be stuck there thinking about how nice it would be if Granny was awake, but when my little friend and I entered the house and headed to Granny’s bedroom, I was surprised to see her awake and sitting up. I let out a small “Wah!” upon seeing her. She looked my way, wrinkles deepening with a smile.

  “I’m sorry, Nacchan. I got all your letters.”

  “No, it’s totally fine. You aren’t sleepy today?”

  “I’m all right today. I’ve already gotten plenty of sleep already. And also…” she stopped, then said something that I did not understand. “I know that this is the last day.”

  Whenever you don’t understand something, it’s best to ask. “Last day for what?”

  “You told me that your class presentation is tomorrow, didn’t you? So today is the last day you’ll have time to prepare.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s true. That’s why I came here today, to talk to you.”

  She smiled again. She really did seem to have grown a bit thinner.

  “Of course. We can talk about whatever you like.”

  “Even dieting tips?”

  Her laughter was the same as ever: quiet, kind, and warm. It had a different power from Minami-san’s, Skank-san’s, and of course my own. I was sure I would be able to laugh like that someday, once I had led a long and happy life. I felt like learning the secret of that laughter was the final answer I was seeking.

  “I’ve got something to ask, Granny.”

  “Hm? What’s that?”

  “I want to know what your life was like.”

  I sat down on the end of her bed. Although it was softer than my own bed, for some reason it was also bouncier. It made me want to bounce up and down on it, but I had asked her a serious question, so I refrained.

  I’m sure that Miss Bobtail was interested in hearing Granny’s tale as well. She leapt up with her small and supple body and curled up on Granny’s lap, looking up with golden eyes. What a truly devilish woman she was. Her eyes seemed to beguile Granny into thinking of times long past. When Granny began to speak, however, the answer she gave was a little different from what I wished to hear.

  “From the time I was a child, until I grew into an adult, and then into the old Granny you see, I lived my life doing my favorite things, and spending time with my favorite people.”

  “Isn’t that normal…?”

  It felt like a bit of an anticlimax.

  “Yes, that’s a normal life. I was able to live a completely normal, happy life.” Her voice sounded as though it was full to bursting. Full of joy. “You know, it could’ve happened to me, too.”

  “What could have?”

  “Not having any friends.”

  All I could do was tilt my head in confusion, but Granny nodded as though praising me.

  “I might not have gotten to be anyone’s ally. I might not have been loved, and I might have hurt people. But I achieved it. I was an ally to the people who mattered to me. I love my friends and family. I might have hurt someone now and then, but I tried to be a good person. And so, my life was a happy one. And yet, it could have been different.” She looked straight into my eyes. “I could have failed to make apologies, lost people, and be left all alone to hurt myself.”

  I thought of Minami-san.

  She gripped my hand, which was thrust out on the bed.

  “I could have self-destructed, hating myself and, worse still, tried to end my own life.”

  I remembered Skank-san’s hand.

  “But I didn’t. I was able to walk the path of happiness. If I were to count out the terrible things that happened along that road, the list would never end, but there were countless more fun and happy times.”

  “Life is…a road?” I asked, curious about the way she talked about walking the path of happiness, and remembering the words that Minami-san and Skank-san had used.

  You can’t get time back. So life was like a road that ran only one way, perhaps. However, Granny shook her head.

  “No, life isn’t a road. There are no traffic signals in life, after all.”

  I giggled at her little joke and offered one of my own. “So, life is like a freeway?”

  “Maybe.”

  It was the first time I had heard such a blunt response from her. I laughed.

  “My life really was a happy one. Nacchan, are you happy right now?”

  I didn’t even have to think. “Yes, I have a lot of happiness right now.”

  I thought about my mother and father, and myself. I got to eat things I liked for dinner. I had a friend I could play Othello with. When I went to school, I had a teacher who was my ally. I had kind and wonderful Granny. I had a little friend who could sing with me. I knew I would see Minami-san and Skank-san again someday. There were bad things, too, but as far as I was concerned, there were far more happy things.

  “You’re clever, Nacchan, so I’m sure you understand exactly how you obtained that happiness.”

  “…”

  “I did the same. And, I’m sure that the ones you call Skank-san and Minami-san will be able to do so from now on, all thanks to you.”

  “…”

  “Everyone has chosen…” she said.

  I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  “To be happy.”

  As I finally stepped out of that hopelessly long, dark tunnel, a blindingly brilliant light exploded before me and with it, a beautiful and sprawling scene. There was the wind and uncountable greenery. There was bliss and kismet unbounded. I took a single step into that world ahead, and I felt my heart overflow with sweetness. Granny’s words sent my heart soaring into flights of fancy. It was a fantasy, but it wasn’t a lie. It was what I had realized, deep down.

  “Thank you, Granny,” I said, from the bottom of my heart. “I’m glad I came to see you today.”

  “Did you find your answer?”

  “Yes.”

  It was a mystery. There were ever so many mysteries, and now I stood on the threshold of another. I was in Granny’s room, sitting on her bed, Miss Bobtail and Granny beside me. Nothing about the world had changed, and yet it seemed to shine with a different light.

  Granny stroked my hair with her slender fingers, as though she knew everything. Knew that my world had just shifted.

  “My life overflowed with happiness, just like yours. In fact, I couldn’t think of one happy thing I have not had. And yet, even at the very end, God smiled upon me. I could not have lived a happier life.”

  “What did God give you?”

  “The gift of meeting you.”

  An immense happiness welled up inside of me. I had gotten to be part of Granny’s happiness. I had made her happy. And I knew that nothing she had said was a lie.

  “I need nothing else,” she said. “The final piece in my Othello match is the happiness called Nacchan.”

  “So life isn’t a road, it’s an Othello game?”

  She shook her head again.

  “No, that’s not it,” she said sleepily, as though the pleasant, gentle light had cast a spell on her.

  I picked my friend up from her lap, and Granny lay down on her side. Her eyes were only just open.

  “Thank you, Nacchan,” she said. “Could you open the window?”

  I reached out to the other side of the bed and slid open one of the panes. A sweetly scented breeze wafted through.

  “Is there anything else you’d like me to do?” I asked.

  “No, that’ll do…thank you.”

  “I’ll head home then, so you can take your nap. Thank you for everything, Granny.”

  “Of course. I hope your presentation goes well.”

  She closed her eyes peacefully and I moved to leave the bedroom, my little furry friend in my arms. But just as I opened the glass door, I heard her call my name again.


  “One last thing,” she said. “I have something to tell you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Listen now. Life is like…”

  There was no question whether copying my catchphrase was meant to be amusing. Still, hearing her words filled my heart with more joy than the most clever joke.

  I left her room, walked down the quiet hallway, donned my shoes, and stepped outside. There, I saw the grassy clearing we always came through. And yet, it seemed to sparkle with a light I had never seen before. It was all thanks to Granny. I knew that I would not be coming back tomorrow.

  “Well, better get home and write everything down for the presentation.”

  I descended the wooden steps outside and stepped down into the grass. Then, as always, I began my song.

  “Happiness won’t cooome, wandering my way, sooo!”

  “Meow.”

  The little voice that came from behind me was not one of song. I turned around at her peculiar tone. She had something important to say.

  “What’s up?”

  As I looked back, I saw that Miss Bobtail was still sitting before the great door of Granny’s great wooden house, staring at me with golden eyes.

  “Meow…”

  She would stay at Granny’s house, she said. This was the first time that we had parted anywhere but in front of my home.

  “I understand. I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Try not to bother Granny.”

  “Meow.”

  Her voice sounded strange. It sounded like Thank you, and Goodbye. I was sure that this was only possible in her voice, that it could not come from human lips. It worried me, but then again, a wicked girl like her always sounded like she was suggesting something, so I waved and headed down the hill.

  It was the wind that made me turn around.

  A strong blast of wind blew against my body. As if I was being pulled by the wind’s own hands, I turned around to face Granny’s home. Or rather, where Granny’s home had been.

  I knew that when people were taken by shock, they never made a sound.

  Before me was an empty field. There was grass, there were flowers, and there were trees. And there was nothing else.

  There was no trace of the wooden house that had just been there, nor the friend I had just been speaking to.