Teaching Tania - the Case of the Cat Crimewave

by James Gault

  The affair has also caused some strain in diplomatic relations between the Russians and the Czech Republic. It had been established that the finished cat-fur garments were destined for Moscow, but any attempts to trace the distribution channel beyond the Russian borders have been met with claims of diplomatic immunity and protestations about the sovereignty of Russian territory. The only concession is that the wife of the Russian president has agreed to stop using ‘Tiddles’ as a pet name for her favourite fur coat.

  At first I was surprised that your Mum agreed at last to your having a cat. But when you told me that, due to reasons we understand very well, there is a dire shortage of cats in Prague and you can’t find one anywhere, the penny dropped. Your mother, Tania, is an extremely clever woman, and you would do well never to forget it.

  I got home from hospital two weeks ago, and since then I have been resting, watching TV and going for the occasional stroll to the pub for a quiet beer. I saw you one afternoon coming home from school with your friend Honza. You didn’t notice me. I was quite far away on the other side of the street but it seemed to me that you were holding hands. If true, I am afraid it’s bad news.

  It’s a sure sign that the next phase of your life has started. My main advice is to keep your friendship a secret as long as possible from your mother, who will jump to all the wrong conclusions and any hope a full psychological recovery will be dashed. As for you, you may remember that I have already warned you of the self doubts, the unnatural concern with your physical appearance, the constant fear of acne, and the ever-present sense of embarrassment at your own behaviour which mark this stage of human development. If you think the last few months were problematic, compared to the next few years they are going to seem like paradise.

  All children go through a difficult time at this point in their life. You will not be helped by parents, teachers, and other interfering adults who will drown you in moral rectitude and useless opinions, trying to manipulate you, to mould your character and to form you in their own image. Should you accept or reject, who am I to say? If you were a fictional character in a book, you would be completely at the mercy of your creator and in an even worse position. But I assure you that real children are little better off and my advice to parents and teachers is to take up the pen, become authors or poets and take out their unhealthy need for control on the characters from their imagination, leaving their offspring and their pupils to get on with making their own lives in peace.

  Let me tell reassure you that I am still happy to continue to teach you English through this extremely difficult period for you. However, you must understand that my duties will be strictly confined to linguistic, grammar and vocabulary matters. From now on, for reasons which I explained to you earlier, you must NEVER bring me any of your problems.

  Best wishes for the rest of your difficult life,

  Your teacher

  J.

 

  END