Complete Indelible Love Series

by Cee, DW

  It is nighttime, and yesterday and today have been the most difficult days for me since arriving here. I didn’t think I’d be alone today, especially not this year. I wished I hadn’t trusted all the promises your brother made about our future. It hurts even more when those days come and go without him. I miss you, Jane. I feel so alone today. I tried calling you for the first time, but of course you weren’t home.

  By the time you receive this, I will probably be in LA for Sarah and Charlie’s wedding. They’re getting married this weekend. I assume you are in New York, so I won’t bother calling you when I get to the States.

  School is almost done here. Do you think you can visit me? I’m finally sending a return address so please write back. I can’t wait to hear from you. Bye.

  Emily

  I will be there soon, My Love.

  Chapter 16

  Emily? Can We Try Again? Please?

  Landing in Narita airport my heart was heavy but hopeful. The chief gave me as many days as I needed to bring Emily home, so I contended only to look at the bright side. The cup would be half full from now on.

  Asking for directions to Emily’s village, my half-full cup all of a sudden toppled over and spilled empty. The person helping me explained it was too late to get to the village, so I would have to wait until tomorrow morning to continue my travels. Despondent but left with no choice, I stayed overnight at a tiny hotel and left first thing in the morning to find Emily.

  With very few people speaking proper English, I had my share of difficulties finding Emily’s host home. A kind lady walked me to the home, and I knocked, praying Emily was home. A cute little girl answered the door. This must have been Yuki.

  “Are you Yuki?” I asked politely.

  “Yes,” she answered timidly, unsure she should be talking to me.

  I heard a man speaking Japanese, most likely her father. He appeared at the door along with a little boy.

  “Hello,” I waved. “My name is Jake Reid and I’m looking for Emily.”

  “Ah, Jake san.” Yuki and Ryu both repeated to one another, then giggled. It was a good sign that they knew my name.

  “I’m Emily’s friend, and I’d like to talk to her. Is she home?” I addressed the kids. They shook their heads no and quickly translated my message to their father.

  “She is not home. She is…” Yuki started but her father stopped her from disclosing any more information. With a scowl on her father’s face Yuki stopped talking all together. He said something to her in Japanese again.

  “My father says I can give you no information. Please leave.” She looked apologetic. I knew if I could convince Yuki who I was, she would convince her dad.

  “Yuki, please let your father know I am Emily’s boyfriend. I want to see her, but I don’t know where she is. Has she ever talked to you about me?”

  Depressingly, she shook her head no again. “But, I know who you are, Jake san.”

  By now Yuki’s mom joined in the verbal ping pong. Yuki gave them a long speech in Japanese and I saw Yuki’s mom urging the dad to do something. Next thing I knew, I had another address in my hand, but written in Japanese.

  “I told my mom and dad Emily san writes to you every day and she cries. They tell me she is at a restaurant in Arayashima, Kyoto. I will go with you to the train station and help you buy ticket.”

  I should have known my girlfriend would be somewhere eating. Her first love would always be food.

  “Thank you very much!” I bowed to everyone and waved good-bye. I walked through this quiet village with Yuki.

  “Yuki, did Emily really cry every day?”

  “Yes, Jake san. I don’t know why. She write a letter to you, then she cries. Why you make her so sad?”

  “After I see her today, I promise to make her happy from now on. Thank you, Yuki.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek before getting on the bullet train. My spilt glass was back to being half full again.

  Finding Kitcho restaurant proved to be much easier than finding Emily’s host home. Each local who helped me with directions explained that Kitcho was the most famous kaiseki restaurant in Kyoto. A smile lit my face when I thought of Emily continuing her life with deliberation. Living in the land of kaiseki meals, she went out to cross off an item on her bucket list. I was proud of her.

  When I got to Kitcho, Yuki’s dad must have called in a reservation for me because the ladies knew me without any explanation.

  “You are together with Ms. Emily Logan?”

  “Yes!” I gladly answered knowing soon my glass would be spilling over with joy.

  We walked down a long hallway, and as the server began opening the door, I saw a glimpse of Emily’s back. I was suddenly breathing again for the first time since she left me.

  “Finally!” I cried.

  Hearing my word, Emily turned around faster than a speeding bullet. I saw tears of joy shine in her eyes. Oh, My Love. Why do you look so fragile? Why have you lost so much weight? It kills me to see you look so weak.

  I practically ran and sat next to her. “Hello, Emily. Very long time no see.”

  Wanting desperately to hold her, I moved in toward her body but she shied away from me. I was hurt, but I understood. She was utterly befuddled to see me, and she probably didn’t know what my intentions were for showing up here.

  “What are you doing here?” Hearing her voice after so many months was like listening to an angel sing.

  “Why do you think I’m here?” What kind of ridiculous question is that? I’m here for you.

  “I don’t know. Does the emperor need a heart surgeon?” Good to know she hadn’t lost her sense of humor.

  “Emily, I’m here to see you. We need to talk. Are you here alone or are you waiting for someone?” She continued to stare but couldn’t speak. “Emily, are you not talking to me? I came all the way here to talk to you.” It was like I was speaking to a wall. A little more deliberately this time, “EMILY, are you waiting for someone?”

  “Yes,” her voice raised, she answered with uncertainty.

  What? I tried to talk to her again. “You are? Who are you waiting for? Are you waiting for a guy? Are you seeing someone already?” You can NOT be seeing someone already. Never once had I considered this scenario. “EMILY! I sound like a broken record. Are you seeing someone?”

  She stared at me and asked, “Are you?”

  This was going to be an irritating conversation if she didn’t start answering some questions.

  Frustrated, I answered, “Of course not! Do you know how far and wide I searched for you after you left me? Why did you make it so hard for me to find you? Why have you been gone for so long?”

  She woke up with an unpleasant look on her face. “A bit bizarre you would try so hard to find me halfway around the world when you didn’t bother looking for me when I was just down the street. And by the way, you left me.”

  Never had she used such caustic words with me. I suppose I deserved it. Nonetheless, her words burned.

  The food kept arriving and I chuckled when I thought only my girlfriend would polish off her amuse bouche and move onto her second course, a piece of sushi, in the midst of a reconciliation. I had apparently placed below the food category again, as even our reunion could not stop her kaiseki meal. I ignored my meal and tried to talk some sense into her.

  “How could you come into town last week and visit my parents but not me? How could you cut off all communication with me? Didn’t you think I would want to see you…that I might worry about you? Didn’t you want to see me?”

  “How could you accuse me of cutting off all communication when you’re the one who walked out on me after asking me to marry you? You’re also the one who didn’t communicate with me for weeks. I begged you to talk to me.”

  I was wrong to think this was going to be easy. I was going to have to be more powerful than a locomotive to win over my girlfriend again. What had happened to my meek Emily? We stopped our convers
ation as another course came in, and she concentrated only on the food, though I understood this was her way of protecting herself.

  “Emily. Why didn’t you send a return address to any of the letters you wrote? Maybe if you did, I could’ve resolved our issues sooner.”

  She stopped eating. She didn’t know what to do—finally, a question that stumped her. Rage didn’t fire back at me. I saw her upset expression fading. After much thought she gave a long but darling sigh. Perhaps I would soon be able to leap this tall building in a single bound.

  “I didn’t send a return address, because when I didn’t get a response from you, I knew it was because you couldn’t respond to me and not because you didn’t want to respond to me.” Her head dropped and the tears I was hoping for began. I believed now she still loved me. I just needed to convince her of this knowledge. Edging closer to her, I tried to touch her but she denied me again.

  I spoke after she calmed down. “Emi, can I explain myself now? I’d like to tell you my side of the story.”

  “Jake, if you came all the way over here to apologize, don’t bother. I don’t want to hear it. You walked out on me a few days after you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and didn’t explain yourself for months. How could you not know I would wait for you at the Skywalk? What happened to your promise of not letting me be alone? I have been so alone the past five months without you. I thought you loved me, that you really, truly loved me. Where were you all those days I begged you to talk to me? Why are you here now after all these months?”

  Emily’s tears were silent but damaging. I could hear her heart being shredded to pieces. I had done much wrong to her but I was confident I could convince her I still loved her, and after that, I would beg her to forgive me.

  Hoping she was done I opened my mouth to speak but she pulled herself together and rolled past what I was about to say. “You can’t begin to understand how much you hurt me. I don’t want my heart broken anymore. You don’t owe me any explanation. I have no claim on you. Please just leave.”

  Giving her more time to calm down and catch her breath, I slowly swept away all the hair that covered her beautiful face. I wanted to look into her eyes when I spoke. She didn’t push me away so I brushed away the tears and left my hand on her face. It felt wonderful to touch her again. My Emily, my love.

  When I saw my chance, I took it. “First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I walked away from you that morning and I can never forgive myself for leaving you stranded. I can’t believe I hurt you so much. You don’t know how sorry I am that I left you alone. It was not my intention to not see or talk to you for this long. I came by your house many times trying to reconcile, but couldn’t find you. This situation got out of hand.” I hoped my words sounded as devastated as I felt.

  “That morning when you told me about Max, you broke my heart.” Tears glistened in her eyes again. My tenderhearted girlfriend hurt to see me hurt. “I have this bad habit of shutting myself down when things go badly. I know it’s wrong and I know I’ve done this to you many times before. I’ll work on that. I promise I will. I won’t shut down on you or leave you anymore, I promise you. I’m sorry.”

  Emily struggled not to look in my eyes as I peered into hers. “I initially didn’t answer your texts because I was angry with you. Childish, I know, but I couldn’t get myself to return your messages. Eventually I calmed down enough to give you a few days to sort out your feelings and make you want to come back to me and me only. I knew I loved you, but this time I doubted your love for me.”

  That agitated look reappeared and I knew she was angry again. “Why would I try to communicate with you every day if I didn’t want to be with you? I told you in every text that I loved you.”

  “I believed you cared. But you never affirmed to me that I was the only one you wanted. I guess I was looking for affirmation. When I didn’t get this, I figured you had chosen Max over me and I let you go, though only for about half a second, thinking this was the best for you.” I laughed a bit and thought it might lighten our mood. It didn’t.

  “Jake!” In the midst of her irritation, all I wanted to do was grab her and kiss her. I knew all would be OK after we kissed. “Did you read any of my texts? Every day I told you how much I missed you and that I loved you. Did you think it was all a lie?”

  “I know. It was stupid of me. I couldn’t trust you. I thought maybe you were letting me down easily. Every day I looked forward to your text but a part of me feared you would eventually tell me you had chosen Max.” I did what she does so well and shrugged my shoulders apologetically. “When you sent me your last text, I realized I was completely wrong about your feelings. That’s when I panicked. I saw these texts from your point of view for the first time. Maybe you still loved me but my lack of response would make you believe I didn’t love you anymore. I couldn’t assuage the sick feeling in my stomach. Since I couldn’t get a hold of you, my only solution was to see Jane in New York. I hoped she could give me some answers.”

  She was nowhere remotely convinced, so I had to juggle from offense to defense back to offense.

  “I came looking for you at your house as soon I received your last text. I wanted to tell you what was in my heart, but you didn’t answer the door. Little did I know that I would see you in less than twenty-four hours.”

  “OK, so you finally saw my point of view, but you still didn’t say anything to me in New York to resolve our situation.” She moved her face away from me. “If you still loved me, why did you send me away again? You could’ve stopped me.”

  “When I saw you in Jane’s apartment, I was dumbfounded. You were the person I most wanted to see but the last one I expected to see. At first I said nothing out of shock. Then Nick started talking, Jane started yelling, and next thing I knew, you were gone. Even before I reached you at the cab, Jane’s words about Arizona haunted me. In my mind I could picture you standing at the Skywalk waiting for me to return. I was angry with myself but took it out on you instead. Please forgive me. All those hurtful words—I meant none of it.”

  “Jake…I’m too scared to do this again. My heart is beyond repair. Did you have so little faith in me that you would believe one night with Max would lead to something improper? Did you really think so lowly of me? If that wasn’t bad enough, you left me without giving me a chance to explain myself. How can I trust you again? All these months I hurt, believing you didn’t care anymore—that you coldly cut me off.”

  Up until now my attitude and words exhibited confidence. I put behind all those dark months of struggling and brandished a fearless look. After Emily’s confession, it was time to beg for forgiveness. My confession, my mea culpa, my declaration of love needed to be spoken.

  “Emily, you must believe me when I tell you I love you! I never stopped loving you. I don’t believe I can ever not love you. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I abandoned you. I will never do it again. I absolutely cannot live without you. When I read your letter at the hospital, my world collapsed. It was like falling into some dark abyss. I couldn’t function for weeks. I took a sick leave and searched for you everywhere. Only when I received your first letter from Japan, did I think that there might be a chance we could meet again. That maybe we would love again. That’s when I decided to get my act together and go back to the hospital and wait for you to return to me.”

  Emily only sat there and nodded her head. I took that as a good sign.

  “I will work to earn your trust again. Just please don’t tell me we’re over. Oh, my sweet Emily, how did we go this long, apart? I’ve missed you so much.”

  I leaned in and touched those lips I’d been longing to kiss since our last night together. She didn’t move away this time. She froze with our touch. We both savored this kiss we’d desired for so long. I tasted Emily’s tears as I refused to let go of her lips. No different than what she had written in her journal, we were home—this was where we belonged.

  “Emi
ly?” Penitent and deliriously happy to be with her, I confirmed, “You still love me, don’t you?”

  For the first time since we reconnected she held me tightly and admitted, “Jake, of course I do. I never stopped loving you. I’m sorry too for hurting you. This was my fault as well. I’ve missed you so much.”

  That was my girl. We would be OK—no, we would be better than OK. We would love each other forever.

  Emily broke out of our embrace and cast her doubting-Emily look. “You really still love me? We’re back together again?” With these questions, I knew my Emily was here for good.

  “Emily. I love you!” I reassured her.

  “You’re not leaving me anymore?”

  “Never!” I answered and placed her back in my arms.

  Her beautiful smile back in place, she asked me how I found her. The long version started from Sarah’s wedding, to LAX, to Yuki’s house, and then to finally finding her here at Kitcho. She laughed at my irritation.

  “I’m glad you’re here. Are you done, or am I still in trouble for hiding myself so well?”

  Though there was much more to say, an apology took precedence. “Emily, I’ve said so many hurtful things to you. My actions were inexcusable. Please forgive me.”

  “Jake, I created this mess. You had no choice but to feel insecure because I wavered. My actions were hurtful as well. I forgive you as you have forgiven me. Let’s not dwell on this anymore.” Her answer, always gracious, made me feel better.

  “I can’t let go of the image of you waiting for me at the Skywalk. You’ve always been so trusting of me to take care of you. All the months we were apart, the thought of you losing faith in me tormented me. It scares me you won’t ever completely trust me again.”

  “Frightened? Yes. But I don’t think I can stay separated from you anymore. Right now and maybe even forever, my love for you outweighs any fear of getting hurt. I want to trust you again. Just please don’t break my heart.”