by T. L. Hayes
“Classic gay literature?”
“The Tales from the City series! There is more in the gay canon than The Well of Loneliness and Rubyfruit Jungle, you know? The boys have books too.”
Lou smiled. “Yes, I’m aware of that, but do you think I have a lot of time to read? Besides my classes, there’s the kung fu, my research, my writing, Steve…” Lou’s voice trailed off and she looked away, then took a drink of her beer.
“Yes, how is that going? We have a few minutes before the others arrive and I have to play hostess. Talk to me.”
Lou played with a loose thread in the seam of her cargo pants and sighed, not meeting Dix’s eyes for a minute. Then, “It’s okay. I don’t know, it’s getting weird.” She shrugged and tried to give him a smile, but didn’t quite make it.
“Weird how? Like, has she tried to tie you to the bed or something? Wants you to play…war games. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.” Dix lightly nudged her in the side with his elbow and gave her an elaborate wink.
That made Lou laugh, and she was grateful. “Why does weird have to mean something sexual? Besides, we haven’t even gotten that far yet.”
“Really? How many weeks has it been?”
“Three, I think?”
“You’re asking me? Three weeks and you haven’t sealed the deal yet? No wonder it’s gotten weird. Bill and I barely waited three hours.”
“Yes, well I’m not you, love.”
“Obviously. So tell me how it got weird.”
“It’s nothing really. I mean, it’ll sound stupid if I say it out loud.”
“Try me.”
“Well, she showed up at the Wushuguan yesterday. Apparently, she works there now. I had trouble processing her there, in my space. I kinda flipped out and left her standing there, wondering why I was mad. And, honestly, I couldn’t really have said at the time, just that I didn’t want her there because it’s my space. I told you it was weird.”
“Oh, honey, no, it’s not. And I think I even understand it. It’s your sanctuary. Not just a place where you go to be alone with your thoughts, but it makes you feel safe, doesn’t it?” Dix looked at her tenderly.
It was all Lou could do not to start crying at his kindness. “Yeah, I think that’s it. I’ve been taking kung fu since I was a teenager, you know? It was always a place I could go, a place where I felt strong and where I could take care of myself. Thank you, Doctor, I think you’ve cracked the case.”
“Oh, come here, hon.” Dix opened his arms and she went into them gratefully. She sniffed back tears as his arms tightened around her.
“What’d I miss?” Their embrace was broken up by Bill coming back into the room.
Lou sat back and wiped her eyes. “Nothing, I was just so happy he wasn’t cooking today, it brought tears to my eyes.” Lou gave Dix a smile and he laughed appreciatively.
“Uh-huh. You’ll tell me about this later, young lady.” Bill pointed an accusing finger at Lou and she nodded to him. Then he looked at Dix. “While you were in here feeling up our current lesbian, the other one called.”
“Oh, how is our cast of The Children’s Hour doing?”
Lou couldn’t help but correct him. “I think you mean Mädchen in Uniform. The Children’s Hour was about two teachers, not a teacher-student relationship.”
Dix turned around with a smirk. “There are so many movies that end with a dead lesbian. How can I possibly keep up?”
“Mädchen doesn’t end that way.”
“Regardless, I’m sure it wasn’t happy.”
“Hello, Siskel and Ebert,” Bill said, “are you two going to talk about the state of lesbian cinema all night, or do you want to hear about Maggie and Rory?”
“Oh, yes, sorry, love. How are they?”
Bill looked at Dix. “They’re fine. Both families are up for the holiday, so she didn’t have long to talk. Rory was doing all the cooking, as usual. The rest was just work stuff. Point being, they’re good.”
“Are they going to be in town for Christmas?”
“No, they’re going to Boston. But they will head this way for New Year’s.”
“Wonderful, they’re going to make the party then.” Dix turned to Lou. “You’ll get to finally meet your predecessor and her young hoyden. They’re awesome—you’ll love them.”
“Between Rachel and you two, I’ve heard a lot about them. I’m sure you’re right.” Lou smiled at them, finally feeling a little better. Before any more could be said, the doorbell rang and Bill went to answer it. Lou put on a happy face and hoped her eyes didn’t show that she had been crying.
Chapter Eleven
Friday morning, Lou decided to run by the Wushuguan before going to her office. She was going to take advantage of the quiet building, with everyone gone for the holiday, to get caught up on a few things. But first things first. She needed to talk to Steve. She arrived a few minutes before Steve’s shift started, so Lou tried the locker room first, hoping to get Steve alone, but after checking the lockers, the showers, and the stalls, she discovered Steve was not to be found in there. She sighed, then went to the back of the building toward the gym. Steve was there, in the back corner, hitting the heavy bag. Before she approached her, Lou decided to watch her for a moment. Steve moved with the swift grace of a prize fighter; her punches came hard and fast, and each time Steve’s fist made contact with the canvas, Lou winced. The power and ferocity with which Steve went at her task frightened Lou and it made her hesitate where she stood.
Finally, Steve stopped, bent down to the floor and picked up a water bottle, and drank from it. It was then when Lou took a step near her. “Hey.” Lou’s hands were behind her back and her head was slightly inclined.
Steve turned at the sound of her voice, bringing the bottle down to her chest. Cautiously, she said, “Hello.”
Lou took another step forward. “You got a minute?”
“I have a couple.”
“I’m sorry for acting weird the other day. I do owe you an explanation when you have time for one. I just want you to know, it isn’t about you, you did nothing wrong, but I’m sorry if I made you think you did.”
Steve took a step toward her. “Do you always apologize this much?” She seemed to be trying not to smile.
“Not usually.”
“Don’t make a habit of it. You apologized at the beginning—that was enough. I’d really like to hear that explanation. My shift ends at six.”
“That sounds…oh, crap. We’re expected at Bill and Dix’s at eight.”
“You still want me to go to that?”
Lou took one more step forward, closing the last bit of the gap between them. “I’d like you to, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to.”
Steve grinned. “This is not the attitude of the badass I fell for.”
“No?”
“No.”
“So what would a badass do?”
“Now, I can’t tell you that. If I did, then it wouldn’t be very badass of you, would it?”
“True. Okay. My place, seven forty-five. Be sure to look cute. Oh, and a host gift would not be out of the question.”
Grin still in place, Steve replied, “Yes, ma’am.”
Lou gave her a small smile and turned to go, but Steve called her back.
“We’ll talk after?”
“Of course.” Lou left, passing her sifu on the way out, and exchanging a nod. She felt better about where she had left things with Steve, but dreaded the impending conversation.
* * *
“You think they like me?” Steve asked, as she made the turn from Bill and Dix’s street that would take her closer to campus.
Lou smiled. “You mean when Dix said, When you two get married I want to officiate, that wasn’t a clue?”
“I thought he was just being silly.”
“True, he’s always being silly, but he was serious too. You want to hear what Bill said to me before we left?”
“I was wondering what you two were whispering about.”
Steve reached over and squeezed Lou’s hand for a moment before she made a turn.
“He said, You have my blessing, like he was my father or something.” Lou started to chuckle, but it fell flat and she let it taper off. “Where are we going?”
“I thought we could go to that little duck pond you showed me. Is that okay? Or would you prefer someplace more private?”
Lou gave her a smile and put her hand on Steve’s knee. “No, its fine. It’s a pretty place.”
Steve found a parking space not too far from the pond and pulled in.
When they got out of the car, a light breeze blew past and Lou hugged her arms to herself and said, “I wish I’d remembered a jacket.”
Steve reached in the back seat and rummaged around until she found a zippered fleece jacket, which she placed on Lou’s shoulders. “Will this work?”
Lou gave her a grateful smile as she slipped her arms into the sleeves. “Perfect, thank you.”
“The least I can do for dragging you outside on a chill November evening.”
“No, as I said, this is perfect. Besides, I think this small pond has heard a lot of stories in its time. No reason why it shouldn’t bear witness to mine.” Lou inclined her head toward the water. “Come on.” She held her hand out for Steve and Steve took it.
After they had walked for a bit, Steve looked up at the night sky. “The stars are out. And look how the moon bounces off the water. It’s nice.”
“Mm, it is. Did you know the early settlers used to call the November moon the Beaver Moon?”
Steve chuckled. “No, I did not. How and why do you know that?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“What am I thinking?”
“Mm-hmm.” Steve laughed. “Anyway, they call it that because November is apparently the best time of the year to set beaver traps.”
Steve gave a sly grin. “I’ll try to remember that.”
“Pervert.” Steve chuckled. “As I was saying, I know that because one of my favorite books as a kid was the Farmers’ Almanac.”
“Were your family farmers?” Steve inquired.
“No, my father just always liked to read it. I don’t know why. And I did what he did. He read it, so I read it.”
“So you were close to your father?”
“For a while.”
“What happened?”
Lou took a deep breath. “Until high school, he and I were inseparable. He could never get out of the house without me tagging along. He even started taking me to the shooting range. That’s why I’m such a good shot. He taught me well. But by the time I was a sophomore, all that changed.” Lou stopped talking and looked up at the moon again, somewhat wistful.
“What happened?” Steve asked, giving Lou’s fingers a reassuring squeeze.
“The Gulf War.”
“Oh, yes.”
“It wasn’t his first war, that was Vietnam. He was a career man. But there had been enough time since Vietnam, and enough therapy, that he was a good dad when I was growing up. We used to lie out in the backyard and he would teach me the stars.” Lou pointed up to a grouping of stars and said, “That’s Pisces. I always like to look for that one, since it’s my mother’s sign.” Lou took hold of Steve’s arm and pointed at another clustering of stars. “And that’s Cassiopeia over there. There are others, but those were always my favorites. According to myth, Cassiopeia was put in the sky by Poseidon as a punishment for boasting that she was more beautiful than the Nereids.”
Steve smiled affectionately at Lou and leaned into her. “What were the Nereids?”
“Sea nymphs. Poseidon’s wife was one. Needless to say, he didn’t appreciate the boast.”
“Doesn’t sound like it.”
Lou sighed. “I was always glad that I got to grow up with him when he was still like that. It could have been much worse.”
“Yeah. The Gulf War changed him?”
“Yes. It reactivated his PTSD. When he came home, he didn’t seek treatment and it took a while before we knew what was going on.”
“What happened?”
Lou stopped walking and let go of Steve, and walked a little closer to the water, hugging her arms to herself again. Steve followed. “Did you know this pond has a name?”
“Lou.” Steve put her hand on Lou’s back.
“They call it Lake Van Horn, after the first college president. He was some kind of scientist before someone decided he should run the place. Geologist, I think. Or was it ecology? I can’t remember.”
“Lou, you were talking about—”
“They say he would often teach class out here. And, according to rumor, skinny-dip every full moon. Kids still do it sometimes, I’ve heard. Campus security doesn’t mind, as long as they don’t get too rowdy.” Lou stopped talking abruptly, and there was a catch in her voice.
Steve put her arm around her shoulders. “Lou, what happened to your father after he came home from the Gulf?”
She turned to face Steve. “He was angry. That’s how his PTSD manifested. He was angry at all of us. He…he started to get aggressive with me. Little things at first. Grabbing my arm roughly if he thought I mouthed off to him, smacking me on the back of the head if I didn’t do something he told me to do right away. Then, a few months later, he hit me for the first time. Punched me square in the face. Broke my nose. I told everyone at school I fell while rock climbing. They had no reason not to believe me. A few weeks later, I came in ten minutes late for curfew. I had to stop for gas because I knew I couldn’t bring the car back without a full tank. When I came in, he grabbed my arm and pulled real hard. I tried to yank it free and he just held on tighter and twisted, then slammed me into the wall. I heard it break. He did too, and that’s when he stopped. He looked down at me like he was disgusted with me, then walked out of the room. Mom came in and didn’t say anything, not about what happened. She just took me to the hospital.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
Lou chuckled softly. “But wait, there’s more. While I was healing, my father didn’t talk to me at all. I like to think he was ashamed of what he did and couldn’t look at me. But he never apologized. I told my mom I wanted to learn self-defense and the local Wushuguan offered classes. She paid for them, then the kung fu classes I asked for later on. We never told my father. Several months later, he was drunk and I happened to walk through the living room at the wrong time, I guess, and he yelled at me to get out and told me to stop making so much noise. I hadn’t been doing anything noisy. I apologized and started to walk out of the room, but he stood up and put his arm out to stop me and got in my face and started yelling. I’d had enough of his bullshit. I waited until he tried to hit me, then I grabbed his arm and held him there. I threatened to break his arm if he tried to hit me again. He called me a bitch and tried to get out of the hold. I warned him. I didn’t want to do it, but I didn’t want any more broken bones either. I put my other hand on his elbow and bent it sideways, kinda, until he was doubled over at the waist, and I pushed him all the way to the ground. It was sloppy because I hadn’t been doing it that long, but it got the job done. I broke his wrist. I heard it snap and he hollered out. He called me something worse than a bitch. That stunned me more than anything. I let go and backed out of the room. He lay there crying. I heard him as I walked away.” The wind came back and blew hair in Lou’s face. Steve reached up and brushed it away. Lou leaned against Steve and Steve tightened her arm around her.
“I have no words.”
“It’s okay, I have plenty. He left us after that. Just up and left. We didn’t know where he was and we didn’t really look for him. Mom didn’t divorce him, though, because she wanted me to go to college and the military would pay for it. A few years ago my mother received a letter from the Army about survivor’s benefits.”
“So your father’s gone?”
“Yeah. He ended up with cirrhosis.”
“Wow. What about your mom? Did she at least have a better
life once he was gone?”
“Some. She didn’t have to live with an abuser anymore. I knew I wasn’t the only one he hit. I heard them. But I know she lived in fear even after he left, not knowing when or if he was coming back. So I don’t think her life really started over until after she got that letter. But two years after she got it, she had a heart attack and died. So I guess you could say I’m an orphan.” Lou tried to give Steve a wan smile but it didn’t last.
Steve put both arms around Lou and kissed her on the forehead. “Baby, baby, baby…I wish I could have done something. But I’m so glad you were able to fight back. My little badass.”
Lou chuckled and hugged her back and they stood that way for a long time, until Lou pushed Steve away gently and wiped her eyes. “The Wushuguan became my safe place. It was a place where he would never come, but even if he did, I knew I didn’t have to deal with him.”
Understanding dawned and Steve said, with recognition, “So when I showed up, I destroyed your sense of safety. Oh, God, I’m sorry.”
“Baby, you didn’t know. Don’t apologize. It’s just something I have to get over. I know he’s gone and I’m safe. And if I run into anyone else who wants to treat me like that, I know I can handle it. I know it, in here.” Lou pointed to her head. “But I’m still working on knowing it in here.” She pointed to her heart.
“Of course. I understand.”
“I really don’t want to push you away.”
“You haven’t. And you won’t. This solider holds her ground.”
Lou, motioning to the small mound of grass beneath her feet, smiled and said, “But, Steve, I have the high ground.”
Steve laughed. “Yeah, but that only matters in the movies.” Steve caressed Lou’s cheek, then very gently kissed her on the lips. “Come on, geek, let me take you home. It’s getting chillier.”
Lou chuckled. “Maybe you should have brought a jacket.”
“What a great idea.” Steve slipped her arm around Lou’s waist as they walked back to the car.
