A Fighting Chance

by T. L. Hayes

  She hadn’t spoken to Steve since she’d told her to leave, and she had ignored her calls and texts, deleted her voice mails. She wasn’t ready to listen to them and she sure as hell wasn’t ready to forgive her. Luckily, she had been able to get her glasses repaired yesterday and only had to wear the old pair for a day, so her eyes weren’t really bothered by the temporary change. She did miss Steve and wished it hadn’t happened, but she wasn’t ready to let her back in her life yet. It just seemed too risky. How could she trust that it wouldn’t happen again?

  Sure, the slap was an accident, an involuntary reaction while Steve was in the midst of a panic attack, the first time Lou had ever seen her have one. But if that was something that was going to happen more often, Lou knew she didn’t want to be around it. It was unhealthy. But knowing that didn’t stop her heart from breaking at the thought that something that started so beautifully could end so abruptly and harshly. She knew she should have avoided Steve when she found out she was ex-military, just listened to her instincts and not flirted with her when Lorraine had introduced them, not flirted with her later when she called. Last time I date a soldier. They were too unpredictable.

  Just then, she heard a pleasant-sounding voice say, “Hello again.”

  She looked up to see the ROTC officer who had asked her out the last time they had run into each other. She groaned inwardly, but tried not to show her annoyance at being interrupted. “Hello, Cadet Bolen, how are you?”

  Bolen appeared surprised by how Lou addressed her and didn’t seem sure how to react. She replied, “I’m doing well, Dr. Silver. Having a good break so far?”

  Instead of replying to the question put to her, Lou asked one of her own instead. “I meant to ask you last time we saw each other, how do you know my name, anyway? I know you’re not one of my students, and I’ve never introduced myself to you.”

  Bolen sat down in the chair opposite Lou at the table, even though she hadn’t been invited, and stretched her long legs out into the aisle. She wouldn’t be in anyone’s way, as they were at the back of the café and no one would need to come back that way. She looked at Lou a little sheepishly and blushed. “Oh, uh, I asked.”

  Lou noted the blush but ignored it. Instead, she narrowed her eyes at Bolen and asked, “Asked who? Why?”

  “I asked Tabitha, the barista. She knows everybody.”

  “And my other question?”

  Bolen squirmed uncomfortably in her chair. “Are you like this in the classroom?” She tried to smile but it faltered when Lou was unmoved.

  “Like what?”

  “Nothing. Nothing bad, I mean. Just determined to get answers, I guess.”

  “Only when someone’s not answering my questions. It’s a fair question.”

  “True.” Bolen let out a defeated sigh. “Okay. I asked because I like you. I wanted to know who you were so that I could ask you out. I still like you, by the way, but I respect your answer and your relationship.”

  This time Lou rewarded her with a small smile. “I appreciate that.” Lou saved her document and closed the laptop, admitting defeat and squelching any hope that she was going to get more writing done. “Tell me something, Bolen…”

  “Mel.”

  “Okay. Tell me something, Mel, do you plan to make the Army a career after your initial service agreement is over?” She knew the ROTC scholarship students had to agree to a term of service of eight years, which they could fulfill in a variety of ways. She had considered it herself while in high school when her father was in Iraq. She’d thought it would be the best way she could honor him and serve her country, the country that he had taught her to take pride in, but when he had come home mentally broken, she had decided against it. She had been upset with the Army and more than a little upset with her country for allowing her father’s injury to happen.

  “No. I honestly don’t want to. I mean, I did in the beginning, and it was a great way to help my parents pay for college, but since the election, I just can’t. How can I fight the wars of a government I don’t trust, who are just playing playground games of one-upmanship, instead of helping people who are actually in need? I know it’s not necessarily a new thing, but I think it’s worse now than it’s ever been. I’m not going to put my life on the line for that. I’m only a freshman, so I have the rest of the year to decide if I want to quit or not. I have until the first day of my sophomore year to quit, or I have to reimburse the scholarship money.”

  Lou nearly spat out her coffee. Bolen was younger than she thought. Instead of commenting on that, however, she went a different way. “So what will you do if you leave the ROTC?”

  “You mean to pay for college, or after college?”

  Lou shrugged. “Both, I guess. What’s your major?”

  “I honestly haven’t decided yet. I’m leaning toward computers, but that’s because that’s what my father suggested I do. It’s what he does and there’s always money there.”

  “Yes and no. But that’s not really the point. What do you want to do?” Advising was part of Lou’s job, and she enjoyed it, but it was usually her own students she met with for advising, not undeclareds.

  “Hmm, I don’t know.” Bolen looked perplexed for a moment and gave Lou a blank look.

  “Well, in my own department—that is, if you have an interest in theater by chance—there’s always lighting design. Put those computer skills, along with so many other things, to use in a practical, yet fun way.”

  Bolen looked interested, then laughed and shook her head. “I don’t think that’s exactly what my father had in mind.”

  “Whose future is it, yours or his?” Before Mel could answer, Lou went on. “This is your time now, Mel. And if you can get a scholarship some other way, you won’t feel as guilty about majoring in whatever you want. Which you shouldn’t anyway.”

  Mel nodded thoughtfully. “I know you’re right. It’s just hard to break out of that mold, you know? Don’t want to disappoint your parents.”

  “Trust me, there are bigger decisions you will make in life that have far more chance of disappointing your parents than what you major in in college.” Bolen laughed. “But if they’re supportive of you, then they’ll get over it, especially once they see how happy you are in whatever it is you settle on. Just remember, you have some time to decide.”

  “Yeah, but not much. You know, it’s just occurred to me that you haven’t pushed your major. I mean, what you teach. Is that because you don’t think it’d be right for me?”

  “Not at all! I think you would do well in stage combat. I just didn’t want to presume…”

  “That because I was willing to play soldier for a while, that I like fighting?” Mel asked dubiously.

  “Precisely. Stage combat isn’t for everyone, of course. And unlike being a soldier, it’s not real. Injuries can sometimes occur, but they are rarely fatal.” She gave Mel a weak smile.

  Mel chuckled. “Okay. Something to chew on.” She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, “Well, this whole conversation took a turn. Talking about my future plans wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I sat down.” She gave Lou a flirtatious smile, but it was obvious that this time she was only teasing.

  Instead of rising to the bait, Lou brushed the smile aside and narrowed her eyes at the younger woman. “Oh, please. Let’s move past that, shall we?”

  “I was only teasing, Lou.”

  “As an undergrad, I really wish you’d address me as Dr. Silver. Maybe when you’re a grad student you can call me by my first name. But only if you’re my student. Until then, I didn’t spend all this money for you to talk to me as if we grew up together.” Though her words were stern, her voice was kind, and after a moment or two, she smiled across the table at Mel.

  Mel laughed. “Understood, Dr. Silver.” Mel stood and pushed her chair in. “Thank you for the real talk. You have definitely given me a lot to think about. Question—if I became a stage combat major, would you be my advisor?”

  “Maybe. I
don’t assign that, but you could request me. There are forms…” Lou trailed off.

  Now Mel grinned. “Okay. I’ll think about it. You might be seeing me again, but in your office next time.”

  “I look forward to it.” Bolen took her leave and Lou decided to pack up for the day and do the same. Her thoughts about Steve were no more clear in her head than they had been before.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Steve was in her garage, hitting the heavy bag with such force and steady concentration that she didn’t hear her mother’s car pull up in the driveway, or hear her call her name, until there she was, standing in the doorway that led from the garage into the kitchen. She just continued to hit the bag with force and determination. She didn’t pause in what she was doing until she saw the lights flicker in the garage and finally turned to her mother. She took off her gloves and hung them up. “Hey.” She was out of breath and sweaty from the brief but intense workout. She took a drink from the water bottle she had on the bench, trying to avoid her mother for as long as possible.

  Her mother eyed her shrewdly, however, and asked, “Are you all right?”

  Catching her breath, Steve said, “I’m fine. What are you doing here?”

  “I just wanted to see you. I’ve tried calling but you haven’t answered my calls. I was hoping you weren’t sick. Hoping maybe you and Lou were just cuddled up somewhere, since I know she has time off right now. And when she didn’t answer my calls either, I thought that must be it. But her car’s not here, so…” Lorraine trailed off, perhaps seeing the pain Steve knew must be visible in her eyes and realizing she’d struck a nerve. “Is everything all right with you two?”

  “I need a shower.” Steve started to walk past her mother without answering her last question.

  “Stephanie Marie Adams,” her mother called after her, “don’t walk away from me. I want you to answer my question.”

  Steve sighed and stopped in her tracks. “Mother, not now. Can we do this another time?”

  “Do what? I didn’t come over here for a simple dinner date with my daughter. I came over here because something doesn’t feel right, and I want to get to the bottom of it. Tell me I’m wrong, convince me of it, and I’ll go away.” Her mother crossed her arms over her chest and blocked the door to the kitchen so that Steve’s only choice would be to go out through the garage door if she wanted to escape that badly.

  “Fine, you want to know what’s going on? I screwed up and she kicked me out. And don’t worry, she’s not answering my calls either.”

  “What do you mean you screwed up? Last I saw, you were having a great holiday. What happened after you left my house?”

  “I don’t want to go into this, Mom. I just want to put it behind me.”

  “Stephanie…” There was a note of warning in her voice that was hard to ignore. Steve had never been able to resist it. She caved every time.

  “I was having a panic attack. She came up behind me and put her hand on my neck. I didn’t realize how close she was—I just knew I didn’t want to be touched. I swung my arm back and hit her in the face. Broke her glasses and bloodied her nose. She kicked me out and hasn’t spoken to me since. Now I need to shower.” Her mother stepped aside, stunned, and Steve walked into the house, heading toward her bathroom.

  Her mother followed. “And that’s why she hasn’t spoken to you? But it was an accident. I’m sure she must see that.”

  “There’s more to it than that.”

  Her mother eyed her with a new suspicion. “Has it happened before?”

  “No! Jeez, Mom. I don’t hit women. It really was just an accident. I just meant…never mind, I don’t know if she’d want me sharing too much from her past. The point is, I know that what happened probably brought up bad memories for her, and she’s probably seeing the situation more through that than what actually happened. She’s got baggage, Mom, and I’m paying the price for it.”

  “Well, so do you. She knows about Cairyn now, I take it?”

  “Yeah. I told her everything.”

  “And she was willing to stand by you and love you and make room for Cairyn, knowing she would always be a part of you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then whatever her baggage is, if it’s something she needs to let go of, and if you love her, you need to see what you can do about helping her do that.”

  “How am I supposed to do that if she won’t talk to me?”

  “You’re the romantic one, figure it out.”

  “I don’t think a romantic gesture is going to get me out of this. This is much deeper than that. This goes back to childhood.”

  “I suspected as much. Just let her know you love her and will stand by her and help her unpack all that baggage.”

  “I don’t think it’s going to be that simple. Would be nice, though.”

  Her mother put her hands on her shoulders. “Darling, sometimes you have to fight for the things that matter, instead of standing on the sidelines and letting them happen. Isn’t that why you joined the Army in the first place?” Steve started to speak but her mom cut her off. “And don’t tell me it’s not the same thing, because it is. The only thing better than love of country is love of family, and she’s family. Don’t you give up on her.” Her mother kissed her on the cheek, and Steve held tightly to her.

  It only took a moment for Steve’s tears to flow and for the sound of her sniffles to echo in the room.

  “You just cry it out, baby, just cry it out.” Her mother began to slowly sway back and forth as Steve cried the first time since Cairyn’s death.

  * * *

  Later that night after her mother left, Steve was having a restless sleep. She still hadn’t found her necklace, and it had always served as a talisman to ward off any bad dreams. Without it, sleep didn’t come easily and she hadn’t had a restful night since Christmas. Tonight was no exception. Her dreams shifted from when she’d heard the news that Cairyn had taken her life, to the time before when she had tried but had been found by Lorraine. Steve hadn’t been able to make it home for that and she had always regretted it. She had called Cairyn as much as she could, which wasn’t that often, but there wasn’t anything she could do about that. When she would call, Cairyn didn’t say much, other than that she missed her. And she’d cried a lot. Steve would cry with her and apologize for being gone. It was all she could do, really. For the first time since she had joined the Army, she’d wanted to walk away from it. She wanted to leave the battles for someone else to fight, since she had one more important at home. But she had signed her name and her life over to the US government, and she had to see it through.

  This night, she dreamed of the hospital where Cairyn stayed after her first attempt. She saw her in her bed, in her hospital gown, sitting up, her lustrous brown hair a mess, a bemused smile on her face. Steve didn’t know why her brain was showing her this—she had never seen Cairyn in the hospital. She didn’t even think it had been described to her. But she was curious what was going to happen, so when Cairyn held up her hand to her and beckoned her over, she went and took Cairyn’s hand in hers, then leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. When she got close to Cairyn, she immediately smelled a faint hint of coconut and vanilla, the soap she preferred, and Steve breathed it in, holding on to it for as long as she could.

  After a moment, she stood up and smiled at her fiancée. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come before.”

  Cairyn gave her a forgiving smile. “It’s okay. You had a job to do. I just, I couldn’t…”

  Steve squeezed her hand. “I know, honey, I know. It’s okay.”

  “Do you? Do you understand?”

  “I think I do. You needed me at home and I let you down. I promised to always be there for you and I let you down.” Steve looked away. She had too much guilt to look Cairyn in the eyes.

  “Oh God, no, baby, no, that’s not it.” Cairyn grasped Steve’s hand firmly in hers and tried to get Steve to look at her. “You were always there for me.”

 
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better, but if I was always there for you, why did you do what you did? Why couldn’t you handle being alone? Whatever it was doesn’t matter, though—I said I would take care of you, and I didn’t, and this is my fault.”

  “My God, do you have to take credit for my death?” Now Cairyn sounded frustrated and released Steve’s hand. “Can’t I have one thing that’s mine? Steve, I did this…me. This was a choice I made because I just couldn’t handle things anymore. I know it sounded like I was blaming you, but I wasn’t. Steve, I’m sorry I put that guilt on you. That wasn’t right.” Now her look softened and she reached for Steve’s hand again.

  “But some of the blame is mine, though.”

  “No, it’s not. You didn’t give me my demons, others did. I had been fighting them all my life. When I met you, I thought I had things under control, and you…I thought you were my knight in shining armor. You were so brave and strong, and I thought you would be my anchor, so I clung to you. Then when you shipped out, I was adrift.”

  Tears choked Steve’s voice when she said, “I know.”

  “Listen. I was adrift because I had never learned how to anchor myself. I had no right to put that on you. I am so sorry, honey. I really hope you can forgive me.”

  The tears were now dripping off Steve’s face onto her shirt and she wiped them away. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

  “Yes, there is. I know what’s been happening to you. I know about the nightmares and the panic attacks. I know how you ran away from the Army. You have to stop running, Steve.”