Confidential Moments: A M/M Sports romance

by Laura John

  I take a deep breath before walking over. It’s now or never. If I don’t get into that car now, I don’t know if I’ll ever go on another date.

  “You look amazing,” Xavier says when I climb into the back seat next to him.

  Fuck! I’m so nervous, I feel like I’m going to climb out of my own skin. He places his hand on mine, not saying anything, just trying to calm me down, and it works.

  I look at him and smile as a thank you.

  “So, I guess the brewery normally closes at ten on weekdays, but the owner is a huge Grey Wolves fan and is doing a private tour just for us,” Xavier tells me, never moving his hand. I turn my hand to encompass his and intertwine our fingers. It feels right.

  “That’s so kind of him. Did you tell him it was our first date?”

  He smiles and nods. “Yeah. They also have a kitchen and are cooking up a special snack just for us. I don’t like to drop my name often, but I’m really glad I did tonight.”

  He squeezes my hand, and I want to melt. Never have I felt this comfortable. Yes, I’m still nervous, but not like I normally am. Normally on a date I feel dirty, deceitful, and like an ass. Tonight, I just have butterflies.

  Pulling up to the brewery, we get out of the car, hand in hand, and walk in.

  “So nice to meet you,” a man says, shaking Xavier’s hand, then turning to shake mine.

  There is no judgmental look in his eyes, just a large smile on his face.

  “I’m Kevin. We talked on the phone. I own this place.” He gestures behind him, and I see the pride in his eyes. “I’ll take you guys on a tour to show you the whole place. Then, when we are done, you guys can do a tasting, and the kitchen is cooking up something special for you.”

  I can’t help but smile. This is so cool, being treated like a celebrity!

  He shows us around, teaching us all about the process of making beer and why his stuff is different from others. We laugh and have a great time, but my favorite part is that Xavier keeps as close to me as possible. If he isn’t holding my hand, he’s touching my back, and my body reacts every time.

  “Okay, you guys sit here, and I’ll go get your first beer sampling. It’s an amazing pale ale and I really think you guys are going to enjoy it,” Kevin says, gesturing for us to sit at a table that has a couple of candles on it.

  “This place is something else,” I say, making small talk.

  Xavier smiles and reaches across the table to grab my hand. “It really is, but I think it’s even more amazing because of the company I’m with.”

  I feel heat rising to my face and I know I’m turning several different shades of red.

  “It means so much to me that you came with me tonight. I know first dates are nerve-wracking usually, but being as this is your first date with a man, I kind of thought you might bail.”

  I look down, but I can’t help the smile that creeps across my face.

  “The thought crossed my mind, but I’m glad I didn’t chicken out. Tonight has already been perfect, and there is still more to go.”

  “I completely agree,” Xavier says with a wink. “I was nervous about tonight,” he admits.

  “How so?”

  “Well, one, I wasn’t sure if you would no-show me, and two, I haven’t been on a real date in a long time. You know I used to play the field, a lot. But I’m done with that. I’m ready for a real relationship, and I’m excited I get to try it out with you.”

  I feel a rush of heat course through my body. We are both new to this and it makes it a tiny bit easier knowing that. I’m not the first man he’s ever been with, but I’m the first one he’s wanted something more with. How did I get so lucky?

  “Tell me a secret,” Xavier says, and I chuckle.

  “What do you want to know?”

  He looks up, thinking for a moment. “Something that no one knows.”

  “Well, up until a little while ago, no one knew I was gay,” I tell him, but he shakes his head.

  “That doesn’t count. I already know that. I mean, if you aren’t gay, you probably shouldn’t be on this date with me.”

  We both laugh.

  “Most people don’t know that I still miss my dad so fucking much. They think I’ve moved on, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. Wish I could talk to him. He was my best friend, and when he died, I thought I was going to as well.”

  Xavier nods and squeezes my hand. I hadn’t even realized he was still holding it. It just felt so natural.

  “I know exactly how you feel. I was a lot younger when my dad died, but I don’t know if you ever stop missing them.”

  After some amazing beers, and even more amazing food, it’s time to leave, but I don’t want this night to be over.

  “Would you guys mind if I get a picture of you for our social media page? It would really help get more people in here,” Kevin says with a giant smile, but a knot forms in my stomach.

  I’m not ready to be all over social media with Xavier yet.

  “How ‘bout I take a picture of you two?” I say, pushing Xavier towards Kevin. “It’s not like I’m famous or anything.”

  “Oh, no, I’m sure they would want to see the happy couple,” Kevin encourages, but he doesn’t know that I’m still new to all of this.

  “I’m just not ready,” I whisper to Xavier, who gives me a sad smile.

  “Let’s just do a selfie. It will probably get more likes,” Xavier says, grabbing his phone to take a selfie with Kevin.

  “Thanks,” he says after Xavier sends it to him. “If you ever want another late-night dinner, just give us a call.”

  We say our thanks and head for our waiting Uber.

  “Want to come over to my house? I know you can’t stay up late, but I don’t want to say goodnight just yet.” I grab Xavier’s hand, but he looks out the window.

  “Maybe next time. I’m really tired and should get a good sleep before tomorrow’s game,” he says, not looking at me. His jaw is tight, and I can tell he’s upset.

  I pull my hand back slowly and stare out my own window. I didn’t mean to upset him, but what did he expect? He knew it was my first date with a guy and that I’m just starting to come out. I can’t be the only one who would be uncomfortable being blasted all over social media.

  After we pull up to my house, I lean over to give Xavier a kiss, but he turns his face, forcing me to kiss his cheek. I guess this relationship is over before it even had a chance to begin. I thought he would be more understanding.

  “Goodnight,” I whisper, but he doesn’t respond.

  When I get inside, I want to laugh and cry as I see rose petals leading to a large vase of flowers. Next to the flowers is a giant bottle of lube, a box of condoms, and a note from Meadow telling me she loves me.

  I pull out my phone to shoot her a text.

  Me: Date was amazing. Ended badly. Thanks for the gifts. I don’t want to talk about it yet. Talk later.

  Her response, as usual, is instant.

  Meadow: *sad face emoji* If you need me, I’m here.

  Me: I know. We will talk about it soon. I just need a moment.

  Meadow: I understand. Love you.

  Me: Love you too.

  I put my phone on the counter and walk to grab a bottle of whiskey. After taking two large gulps, I put it back and head to bed.

  I don’t want this to define every relationship, but I feel like I’m going to have a hard time dating again. If Xavier couldn’t be understanding that I needed a little more time, will anyone else be?

  I’m an ass. I know it. But it hurt so bad that Mason didn’t want a photo with me. Should I have given him the cold shoulder over it? Of course not. But I’m not used to being with someone who is still kind of in the closet. The guys who I’m normally with are definitely out and proud.

  After grabbing a bottle of water, I pull out my phone and stare at Mason’s contact I.D. Should I call him? Text him? I don’t even know. I know waiting too long won’t be good, but I don’t
want to be with someone who’s ashamed of me.

  Deep down, I know that isn’t true. He’s more ashamed of himself, but try telling that to my heart. My brain is telling me to be logical while my heart is saying I’m not good enough. I haven’t felt like this in so long, and it just brings up old memories. Like when my first boyfriend denied me and said I was a mistake.

  Finally, I decide to text him and just pray he’ll respond.

  Me: I’m sorry for being cold. I really did have a great time. Would you like to go on another date?

  After twenty minutes of me staring at my phone like an idiot, I give up and go to bed. I feel like a fool. All I’ve been thinking about for months is Mason. I finally had him with me, and like a moron, I pushed him away.

  “Family brunch tomorrow. You don’t have a choice. You’re coming. You’ve been weird the past few days, and we leave to travel again soon, so it’s the only time that works,” Johnny says, chewing on a piece of gum.

  Has he always chewed like that? It seems obnoxiously loud.

  I don’t really want to go to family brunch. Mason will most likely be there, and he hasn’t responded to any of my messages. I’m pissed that we didn’t even get a chance. But I’m more pissed that it’s all my fault.

  I got upset because he was nervous about being blasted on social media after his first date with a man. It was wrong, but now he won’t talk to me. Am I not ever allowed to make a mistake?

  “I don’t know,” I finally respond, still annoyed by his chewing.

  “I said you don’t have a choice. What the fuck crawled up your ass two days ago. It’s like you have a split personality and asshole Briggs is here.”

  “Fuck off,” I spit and Johnny’s eyes go wide. I sigh. “Sorry, just a bad date. I’ll come if you back off.”

  He smiles and nods. “Done. Don’t let some dumbass cause you to be down.”

  “He wasn’t the dumbass. I was,” I admit, running a hand through my hair. “But I tried apologizing, and he won’t respond to my texts.”

  “Ah. That makes sense. If you think he’s worth fighting for, don’t give up so easily. Everyone can be a dumbass. Don’t do it over text. Talk to him in person.”

  I nod. I need to come up with a plan. It won’t be easy to talk to Mason alone tomorrow, if he’s even there. I don’t know if he’s told all his friends about being gay yet and I don’t want to out him to everyone. But I need to talk to him, and I need to apologize face to face. Look him in the eyes and plead for him to give us one more chance.

  “Thanks for the chat, man. It actually helped. Now let’s go kick some ass.”

  I give him a high-five and am ready to play, pushing aside my personal drama. After we win this game, I will find a way to make Mason mine.

  “You did not have to bring anything!” Leah says, grabbing the bottle of champagne and wrapping one arm around me for a hug.

  “I know, but what’s brunch without mimosas? I mean, for you guys. I obviously can’t drink before a game.”

  She giggles and ushers me in.

  “You know everyone here, right?” she asks.

  I look around, seeing the familiar faces. When my eyes land on Mason, I smile.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  She pushes my shoulder. “I am not a ma’am. Now go and talk with someone. Food is almost ready.”

  I nod and walk off to where Mason is talking with Johnny.

  “You know we love you no matter what, right?” I overhear Johnny say to Mason and almost turn around. This is clearly a personal conversation.

  “I know. Thanks for being so understanding. It’s been hard coming out of the closet, but I’m gaining more courage every day.”

  I smile at Mason. His back is towards me, so he hasn’t noticed me yet, but hearing his confession is music to my ears. Maybe he’ll have enough courage to give us another try.

  “Oh, hey, man!” Johnny says, noticing me. I give him a smile and a bro nod.

  “Hey, how’s it going?”

  “Really good! But I should go help my wife,” he says, walking off after giving Mason a slap on the shoulder.

  “So, you’re coming out to everyone now?” I ask Mason after Johnny is out of earshot.

  He nods and kicks at a rock. “It was time,” he whispers.

  “It’s so brave of you,” I say. I put my hand on his shoulder, but he quickly pulls away.

  Shit, I have to fix this. I don’t want him hating me. “I’m sorry about the other night. It was wrong of me to not talk to you. It just brought back some old memories.”

  He stares into my eyes for a minute, thinking on my words.

  “It really hurt,” he finally whispers. “But I don’t want to have this conversation here. If people know that we went on a date, it’s just going to make things awkward for everyone. Let’s just forget it and move on as friends.”

  Damn, his words cut, and I can tell he’s still hurting.

  “I don’t want to be friends,” I tell him.

  This conversation is happening whether he wants it to or not. He needs to know how I feel and that I’ll never block him out again. That I want to be more than friends. I want him in my life and in my bed.

  “If we must have this conversation, at least come with me,” he bites out, stomping towards the pool house, which is more like an in-law suite. Fuck, he’s pissed, and I need to calm him down.

  He walks inside and I follow him in.

  He takes a big breath and releases it.

  “I know I upset you, but you just pushed me out,” he states as soon as the door closes. “I need a partner who is going to understand that I’m new to all of this. I’ve only kissed one man, besides you. How was I supposed to react to someone wanting to take our picture, knowing it would be everywhere because of how famous you are? I’m not ashamed of you, Xavier, but I just wasn’t ready.” He’s pacing back and forth, and I can tell he’s getting worked up.

  “I know that, and I’m so sorry. It just brought back memories of high-school. It felt like my first boyfriend rejecting me all over again. I know that wasn’t happening, but my heart and brain were having an argument.”

  I walk over to him, needing to touch him. Needing him to know that I’m serious. “I promise I’ll never shut you out again,” I plead, grabbing his hand. “Just give us a chance.”

  He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t pull back. His face softens slightly, and I pray I’m breaking down his walls.

  “I need a partner who’s going to understand my hesitance. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you or that I’m ashamed of you, but I’ve lived my entire life fighting who I am. Forcing myself to try and change. I’m not going to be able to give up those tendencies overnight, Xavier. I need someone who will be patient with me. It’s okay to push me, I need that, but it’s not okay to push me out when I do something that might seem stupid.”

  I squeeze his hand, his confession like a punch in the gut. I was a fucking fool, but this is my chance to make it right. “I’m really sorry. I promise that I can be that person. Will you please give us one more chance?”

  He takes a deep breath and nods. “I’m not ready to tell everyone about us, though. They are my family and your friends. I want us to at least have a few more dates before we tell them. No point in making it awkward for everyone.”

  I pull him in for what originally was going to be a hug, but with him so close I can’t help but kiss him. His lips are soft, as they always are, and I wonder what his beard would feel like against my face if I didn’t have a beard.

  I growl and pull him closer, licking the seam of his lips, asking for access. He opens and I moan as his tongue plays with mine.

  This time he takes the lead and pushes me onto a small sofa, straddling me the second I’m down.

  This is so hot, and I want to fuck him right now. My cock is in complete agreement, but then people will definitely find out about us, and he doesn’t want that yet.

  I slowly push him back and he pouts a little,
causing me to laugh.

  “Babe, I promise we can do more soon, but if you really want to keep us a secret for a little bit longer, we better get back to the party.”

  It’s the first time I’ve used a term of endearment on him, but by his smile, I think he likes it.

  “You’re right. Come on, let’s go.”

  I walk out first and make my way over to where Mikey and Johnny are.

  “I thought you bailed,” Johnny says with a smile.

  “Was just exploring. You don’t mind, do you?”

  He shakes his head. “Not at all. This place is pretty awesome, eh?”

  I nod, and we start talking about baseball, music, and just random stuff. From the side of my eye, I notice Mason sneak into the house—which is probably for the best.

  I don’t want to lie to our friends, but I’m on Mason’s time frame here. Whatever he needs, I’ll do. I really want a chance to try things with him. I’m not fucking it up again.

  “Thanks for brunch again. These are lots of fun!” I say, standing, ready to leave.

  “Win the game tonight!” Mikey shouts and I laugh.

  “You got it!”

  I grab my coat and walk out. I want Mason to come with me, but I understand why he doesn’t.

  When I get to my car, I see a text from him instead.

  Mason: Come over to my house after the game.

  Me: I’ll be there!

  Mason: Can’t wait. Play your ass off today.

  Me: You know I will!

  I smile as I place my phone down on the passenger seat. Another date with Mason. I don’t have much time to prepare, but I need to show him he’s special.

  “Chocolate?” Mason asks when I hand him the box of very expensive chocolates.

  “You didn’t seem like a flower guy, and I feel like I still have some groveling to do.”

  He laughs and walks to the kitchen. I follow behind.

  “Yeah, flowers aren’t normally my thing, but as you can see by this big ass bouquet of roses, my best friend gives zero fucks.”