by Laura John
“He’s my man, and I want him back. But first, I have to fix myself.”
She squeezes me again and lets out a squeal. “Oh my god, I’m so excited!”
I hold her for a minute, breathing in her cinnamon scent. Hugging her has always been so comforting.
“Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?” I whisper.
“I’m pretty sure he loves you as much as you love him, so if you really do change and show him that, I think he will.”
I kiss the top of her head. I sure hope she’s right.
“Why are you here?” Leah asks, crossing her arms after she opens the door.
“To apologize,” I tell her, but she doesn’t move. Instead, she just raises a brow. “I also brought donuts,” I say, lifting the box.
Leah doesn’t move for a minute, but finally she releases a sigh and moves, gesturing for me to go in.
I knew she was pissed, but I didn’t think it was this bad. I have a lot of groveling to do, and Leah will be the easy one. If I can’t get her to accept my apology and show her I’m trying to change, then I have no hope with Xavier.
Placing the box of donuts on the counter, I hear tiny footsteps running full speed towards me. I turn just in time to pick Eddie up.
“MayMay,” he says, cuddling into my neck.
“I missed you too, buddy. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t say anything but clings to me like if he lets go, I’ll disappear. I squeeze him, feeling the darkness trying to creep over me. Fuck, I’ve messed everyone up.
I try to set him down so I can talk with my sister, but his grip tightens.
“Is it okay to have this conversation in front of him?” I ask, moving to sit in the living room.
“Just keep your language to minor cuss words, and we’ll be fine. He won’t really understand what’s going on. He just misses you. You know he’s turning three in a few weeks. Are you going to come to his party, or are you going to go MIA again?”
Her words hurt, but I deserve them.
“I’m actually surprised you’re being so honest today. All your messages have been like you were afraid to say anything because if you did, I’d jump off a bridge or something.”
Leah takes a bite of a donut and sits beside me.
“I’m done with it. I’m angry and I’m hurt, but I miss you.” She puts the donut on the coffee table and starts crying. Shit, this is not how I wanted this to go.
I wrap an arm around her and sandwich Eddie between us.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why my defense mechanism is to push everyone away and shut out those I care about most. I’m working on changing that. I’m getting help, I promise. I’m a mess, Leah. Inside there is so much hurt and anger and emptiness.
“I never dealt with any of my shit when I started dating Xavier. I just came out and thought I’d be able to live this new life and move on, but it wasn’t that easy. When Trent confronted us, all of those emotions of the past came rushing back. They hadn’t gone anywhere. I had just pushed them down and tried to forget about them.
“My doctor is working with me, and we’re dealing with the past. It’s not going to be easy or a short journey, but I have faith I’ll get better. I’m taking medication to help with the depression, and I promise I won’t shut you out ever again.” I sit back and grab her hand. I look down, realizing Eddie has fallen asleep. “I hate myself, Leah. That’s what I have to deal with the most. I can’t love anyone until I learn to love myself.”
Leah still has tears in her eyes. “I love you, Mason. I know you didn’t push us out of your life because you don’t love us. I just hate that you’re hurting so much.”
I nod and squeeze Eddie, his presence calming me. “I hate it, too, but I’m allowing myself to feel it, deal with it, and let it go. I’m not holding onto the hate anymore. Apparently, I still may have outbursts and my emotions won’t be fully regulated for a long time, but as I continue treatment, things should gradually get better.”
“Well, I’m happy you are getting help. Is there anything I can do?”
“Don’t give up on me and…forgive me?” I say, hope blossoming in my heart.
She smiles. “Mason, it’s impossible not to forgive you. You’re my brother; there is nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.”
A tear streams down my face. The darkness inside me is still there, but the small light is back. I really am loved. Now I need to start feeling that way towards myself.
“Now come on, let me put Eddie to bed, and you and I can watch a show. I am also going to eat all those donuts.”
I laugh and the light inside me gets bigger, the darkness getting pushed down. Pushing people away never helped, but clearly letting people in does help.
“We are going to take him off the CPAP machine today,” Nya tells me when I get to the hospital, and I’m happy she is here.
Everyone on Joey’s team has been fantastic, but I’ve bonded most with Nya. She and my mom have become fast friends.
“Really? He’s ready?”
She smiles and nods. “He’s doing so well, Xavier. He’s a strong little boy. The brain bleed has stabilized and even retreated a bit. This is the next step. He’ll still have a nasal cannula, but you’ll be able to see his full face.”
Mom grabs my hand, and a happy tear falls down my face. I watch as they change the CPAP mask for a small little tube under his nose.
“He looks just like you,” Mom says, grabbing my hand.
I sit down in the chair, and Nya places Joey on my chest.
“Hi, little man,” I whisper to him. He looks at me with his tiny little eyes. “He’s already so much bigger. I hate being away for a week. I can’t believe he is already a month old. So much is happening and I’m not here for it.”
Mom kisses the top of my head. “You are working, Xavier, providing for this little slugger. You are doing what you have to, and I’m here when you can’t be.”
I nod at her. “I know, Mom. It just sucks.”
“I love you so much. You will never feel unloved, I promise you,” I tell him. “You could be straight, gay, whatever, and I will love you no matter what. So will your Nana and your uncles.”
I don’t know if he’ll ever have another parent. Maybe one day, but my heart is still in a million pieces… and belongs to the man who broke it.
“Have you spoken to Mason?” Mom asks, reading my mind, and I shake my head.
“Liam told me Mason’s been seeing a psychologist and working on fixing himself. I don’t know if I could ever take him back, though, Mom. When I needed him the most, he wasn’t here.”
She nods. “You still love him.”
“Of course I do. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. If little Joey here hadn’t shown up, I may have tried to make it work. But he needs someone who is going to be here through it all. I just don’t think Mason is that man. What if I let him back in and then Joey needed surgery and that scared him so he bolted again?” I shake my head. “I can’t put us through that.”
“I’m not saying he was right for shutting out everyone, but don’t people deserve a second chance? He forgave you when you pushed him away. Maybe he really will change with the support he is getting.”
Why does my mom have to make so much sense?
“I’m not ready. But I’ll keep my mind open. If Mason and I are meant to be, then we’ll be. But I’m not chasing after him. He has to prove to me that he can be the man I need him to be. The man that Joey needs him to be.”
She nods and quietly leaves the room so I can spend time with my son alone. But of course, along with the quiet comes a million thoughts.
My heart wants Mason so goddamn bad. I want him to be here with me right now. And if my heart was solely in control, it would jump into his arms right now.
But my head is the smart one and knows he can’t be here right now. If he really does change, and he is willing to fight for us, willing to stay when the going gets tough, then maybe, just maybe, we’ll get our ha
ppily ever after.
“Are you ready to give Joey his first bath?” Nya asks and I nod. “He’s been doing so good this week. His vitals are staying stable longer. I know that a lot of this journey is two steps forward, one step back, but remember that’s normal.”
Nya always makes sure that I feel encouraged. I feel really lucky to have the team we do. It’s ridiculously hard to leave my son with strangers, but his team has become more like friends. I know he is in good hands and that they care about him. It also helps that my mom is able to visit and video call me when I can’t see him in person.
Joey is eight weeks old today, and I’m still in shock that this amount of time has passed. It’s been a crazy journey and a scary one. Joey still has a long road ahead of him, and some days are harder than others. Some days, I’m scared he isn’t going to make it, but then days like today, we get to experience something amazing.
Nya helps me get Joey in a small tub. I hold him, very conscious of how little he is, and my mom takes a soft cloth and wipes it over his tiny head and body.
“His hair is so dark, just like yours,” she notices.
“He has his mom’s nose, though,” I tell her since she’ll never get to meet Joey’s mom. I was thankful when she sent me the signed paperwork. We haven’t spoken since the day I met Joey, but I’m okay with that. It’s for the best for everyone.
The bath doesn’t last too long, but he seems to love the water. Nya told me earlier today that he might scream, and that’s okay, but he was super content the entire time.
“I love bonding with him,” I tell Mom, watching Joey lay in his little crib. “But I’ve been thinking, how am I supposed to do this on my own? His journey doesn’t end when we get home. He’ll have doctors’ appointments and be on a strict feeding schedule. He’ll need so much care, and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it on my own. The only saving grace is I should be almost done with the season by the time he gets out of here, so I’ll be able to stay home with him.”
“I’ll be here to help you,” Mom tells me, placing her hand on mine.
“Maybe I should move home,” I sigh, feeling defeated.
“I thought you were enjoying life in Sienna?” she asks, a look of concern on her face.
“I am, but I think California might be best for Joey.”
“Just wait. Don’t jump to decisions yet. Joey will still be in the hospital for a while longer, anyway.”
I nod, and my alarm on my phone starts ringing.
“I got to go, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I kiss her on her cheek and give Joey’s hand a little squeeze. “See you tomorrow, little man. I love you.”
I leave the hospital feeling conflicted. Do I stay in Sienna, which I actually was starting to love before everything ended with Mason? Or do I move home to California, where my mom is?
Climbing into my car, I feel my phone vibrating.
Liam: Come to M2 tonight since you can’t be with Joey, anyway. I’m trying new recipes and I want your opinion.
Me: Sure. I could use a night out with my brother.
Liam: Awesome. We’re opening soon, and I want these to be perfect.
Me: I’ll be there probably around eleven-thirty.
Liam: Perfect. See you soon.
I put my phone on the passenger seat and smile. It will be good to spend time with my brother. Maybe I can stay in Sienna. My brother is here, I have friends here… and Mason’s here.
Of course, I think about him. If I never knew him, this decision would be easy, but a part of me wants him back so bad. He didn’t cheat on me or break my heart on purpose. He was hurting. Sometimes hurt people, hurt people. I want to forgive him, but my brain is telling me to be cautious.
“What’s up, man?” I ask, giving Liam a slap on the back and a bro hug.
“Not much. Just been busy getting everything ready for the grand opening. Meadow let me take complete charge of the drink menu. It’s so exciting, but I want it to be perfect.”
I sit down on a barstool and Liam moves behind the bar.
“Show me what you’ve been working on,” I tell him, and he smiles.
Meadow comes out from the kitchen and smiles when she sees me.
“I didn’t know you were gonna be here, but it’s perfect. You can be another taste tester for me.”
“Have you been fattening this guy up?” I ask, pointing my thumb at Liam, and Meadow giggles.
“Oh yeah, he likes my cooking.”
I think most people would be wondering if Liam and Meadow are hooking up, but knowing my brother the way I do, I can tell she is just a friend to him.
I’m about to ask what’s on the menu tonight when the door opens and Mason walks in. All the air leaves my lungs. I was not expecting him tonight. He doesn’t notice me at first, but when his eyes land on me they go wide. He freezes in the doorway, not coming in.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was coming tonight,” Liam whispers to me.
“It looks like you have enough tasters tonight,” Mason says to Meadow. “I should probably go home.”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, and he stares at me. “Stay. We should talk, anyway.”
I don’t really know why I’m inviting him to stay. Do I really want to have this conversation right now? Maybe it’s because I miss him so fucking much.
He takes a deep breath, his chest rising and falling, but he doesn’t move. Is this what I really want? Am I making a huge mistake?
Slowly, he nods and comes to sit next to me. I see he’s a bit skinnier than the last time I saw him. Most people wouldn’t notice, he still looks fucking amazing, but I know his body so well. I wonder if he’s stopped taking care of himself like he used to. The thought bothers me. Is it because of me? Fuck, why am I thinking this; he’s the one who broke us up. Why do I care?
“I’ve been wanting to reach out, but I promised you I wouldn’t,” he whispers.
“Thank you for honoring my wishes. I’ve been thinking about you a lot,” I tell him honestly.
I notice Meadow tilt her head toward the kitchen, and Liam follows her.
“How is your son doing?” he asks, and I smile, happy that he’s asking about him.
“Good. I mean, there are still bad days, but he’s getting stronger and growing each day.”
“What’s his name?”
“Joseph Noah Briggs.”
“After your dad. It’s a strong name.” My heart squeezes that he remembered.
“How have you been?” I ask him.
He shrugs. “Not horrible. I got on some anti-depressants and they have helped a lot. I’ve been working on opening up more and not shutting people out. I’m actually a lot happier now,” he pauses, looking down. “I mean as happy as I can be after being such a dumbass. I’ve found happiness in myself with the help of talk therapy and am on my way to complete healing. I’ll never be perfect, but I think I’m a stronger person than I was.”
“That’s great to hear,” I tell him honestly.
“I need to apologize to you,” he says. He turns to face me, his knees bumping against mine. That familiar jolt of electricity pulses between us. “I know now that my defense mechanism was to shut people out because I never actually dealt with my past traumas. I’ve dealt with them now, and I’m a better person. But you needed me and I wasn’t there, and I’ll forever have to live with that. It wasn’t fair to you. You wanted to be with me, but I was in too dark of a place to see anything but my pain.”
I reach over and grab his hand, causing him to stare at it.
“I’m sorry for being so harsh with you. You needed me too, and I broke up with you. But I meant what I said, Mason. Joey needs stability. His life is a roller-coaster ride. He can be doing good one day and horrible the next. And it’s going to be like that for a while. I need someone who is going to stay when the going gets tough.”
He hangs his head.
“I’m sorry. I know what I did was wrong, and I promise I’m trying to be a better man,” he
pauses and stares into my eyes. “But I would really like it if you gave me another chance.” He turns his hand in mine and gives it a squeeze. “I still love you.”
I feel tears prickling at my eyes. “I still love you too,” I tell him. “I want to give us another try, but I’m going to be honest, I’m scared. It’s not just me anymore.”
He nods. “I understand. How about we just hang out as friends for a while? Let me show you I’ve changed. Let me show you I can be the man you deserve.” His voice is soft and his eyes are pleading for me to give him a chance.
I want this so badly, but I just don’t know. Can he actually have changed?
“Okay. Friends,” I tell him, knowing I can’t give him up.
My heart still hurts from when it was broken, but staring into Mason’s eyes, I can tell he feels the same way. I know he was broken on the inside and that’s why he pushed me away. It doesn’t make it sting any less, but I understand.
We both stare at each other for a moment, memorizing each other’s features. Fuck, I’ve missed him so goddamn much.
Meadow interrupts the moment, coming out of the kitchen with appetizer plates. “Are you guys ready for food?”
I smile at her, thankful for the break in the conversation, but sad that I can’t stare at Mason anymore. Part of me is afraid that every moment I spend with him will be the last, and I know if I’m left with Mason alone for too long, I’d be likely to just jump back into bed with him.
Our relationship needs more work than that. Sex is amazing, but it doesn’t heal. I don’t have trust in him yet, and the only thing that will fix that is time. Before I can give him my body again, I have to know he’ll stay.
“I mainly have our entrées figured out. I’m still working on the appetizers and share plates. Here we have bacon-wrapped shrimp and bacon-wrapped Brussels sprouts. Tell me which is better, or if we should keep both.”
Meadow sets the plates down and pretty much starts vibrating with excitement. Liam comes out of the kitchen and stands behind the bar, also watching us eat. Weirdos.
“Are you just going to stare at me while I eat again?” I ask her with a smirk.
