by Laura John
“Pretty much. Now stop talking and shove that meat in your mouth.”
I start laughing because I know she meant that in a dirty way.
“I missed you,” I tell her before taking a bite of the shrimp. “Fuck! This is amazing, Meadow. People are going to want this for sure. What kind of dipping sauce is that?” I take another bite and moan, the small amount of spice rolling on my tongue.
“It’s a homemade tangy dill dip. You like?”
I nod and reach for another, but she slaps my fingers.
“Try the Brussels sprouts first,” she tells me in a stern tone.
“I’m not a big Brussels sprouts fan,” I tell her, and she rolls her eyes.
“Try it, anyways. You can use the same dip.”
I sigh and pick up the little bacon-wrapped grossness. The flavor explodes in my mouth and I moan again.
“Damn, girl, these are good. If you sell these as a package deal, you are going to have some happy customers. I just don’t know if people would order them on their own.”
I realize at this moment, Mason has been awfully quiet. I turn to him and notice he’s staring off across the restaurant.
“Are you okay?” I ask him, placing my hand on his arm, and he jumps a little.
He nods. “Umm... yep, I’m fine,” he mumbles, and I stare at him, wondering what the hell is going on.
“It’s just, umm, your moans... are a little distracting,” he whispers, a shade of pink covering his cheeks. He bites his lip and looks away from me. I can’t help but laugh.
“I’m sorry, I’ll try harder not to moan so much. But seriously, try these. Your girl knocked it out of the park with these ones.”
He takes a bite and moans just like me, if not louder. “Woah. These are amazing. I see now why you were moaning. Seriously, Meadow, I think these are one of your best creations to date.”
She beams and starts bouncing up and down.
“I’m so glad! They are totally going on the menu! I’m going to run to the kitchen and get your next appetizer ready, and Liam will pour you guys a drink.”
“So, I’ve been working on a whiskey recipe,” Liam starts, and I smile. I love a good whiskey drink. “Since I know there are a lot of big whiskey drinkers in the area. It’s a blueberry whiskey sour. And I hope you guys love it.”
He starts making the drink, but my attention is drawn to Mason’s strong hands on the bar. I want to reach over and grab his hand like I would have before. I want to whisper something dirty in his ear. I want to tell him how much I love him. There are so many things I want to do, that I just can’t.
Liam finally places the drinks in front of us and I take a large gulp, earning a look from my brother, but I just shrug.
“This is really good, Liam. How many other creations have you made for the menu so far?”
“We want to have six drinks that make us stand out from other places in the area, and this is number four. So just two more to perfect and we’ll be good. I still can’t believe we are opening in a little over a month.”
“You guys are going to do amazing,” Mason chimes in. “You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Without you, things wouldn’t be where they are. Did you tell your brother you’ve been helping with desserts until Meadow can hire a pastry chef?”
Liam blushes, and really, I’m shocked.
“You bake?” I ask, caught off guard.
“He’s amazing,” Meadow says, coming out with a small skillet on a large plate. “I can barely bake. I came up with one dessert, but Liam’s already come up with two more dessert options for the menu.”
She sets the plate down between us and whatever it is smells amazing.
“This is my special baked brie, served with toastinis. Pretty much little toasts,” she pauses to giggle. “Enjoy!” she sing-songs and moves to stand beside Liam to watch us eat again.
“This is some fancy cheese toast,” Mason says, and I chuckle.
“Is it good fancy cheese toast, though?” Meadow asks, giving Mason the stink eye.
He scoops some brie onto the little toast and pops it into his mouth. His eyes go wide and he nods. “Really good fancy cheese toast,” he mumbles, covering his mouth so no one sees his food.
I scoop up some next and have the same reaction.
“This was definitely your calling, Meadow. I can’t wait to eat here all time. Is this going to be a family-friendly establishment? Because I’m going to have a baby attached to me in no time.”
“Yes, we are going to section it, so this side,” she motions to the smaller section of the room, “is the bar side and will be adults only. And that section…” She motions to the larger section on the other side of the bar. “…will be family-friendly. We figure most of our guests will mainly be older, but we aren’t far from a large family area of town and think that we will be getting some guests with kids. We don’t want to have to turn people away. I even made a really cute kids’ plate with chicken bites and macaroni cheese balls.”
“I want that and I’m not even a kid,” Liam whines and Meadow pushes his shoulder.
“You know I have macaroni cheese balls on the appetizer menu too, so shut it.”
“Why aren’t we having those right now?” Mason asks and Meadow rolls her eyes.
“Because you two have already eaten a million of them, and I have other things I need to work on.”
“Damn, I missed macaroni cheese balls?” I whine, causing Meadow to shake her head.
“Why do I surround myself with men?” she asks, throwing her hands in the air before going back to the kitchen.
Mason and I both laugh.
“You love us!” Mason shouts after her. I hear her mumble something in return but can’t quite make it out.
“This is really good,” I say to Mason. He nods and puts more cheese on his toast.
“Oh yeah, she’s doing amazing… So, tell me more about your son. I want to know it all,” he says, leaning in.
“He’s amazing. He has a temper and has those nurses, and my mom, wrapped around his finger. It’s crazy that he already has such a personality. I really can’t wait to take him home. They still don’t know for sure when that is going to be, but they say usually it happens pretty fast. Like one day, he’ll just hit a crazy spurt and start doing a bunch of different things at once. I’m so happy he has this amazing team. It really is making the decision about whether to move back home or not difficult.”
Mason’s eyes go wide. “You’re planning on moving back to California?” his voice shakes a little.
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “I can’t raise Joey on my own, and Mom’s home is California. She told me she’d stay as long as I needed her, but I feel like it might just be easier to move back so she can be in her own home. It feels wrong making her stay here for God knows how long.”
Mason presses his lips together and nods. “I guess that makes sense. Can I be honest with you?”
I don’t say anything, just nod for him to continue. I also notice Liam heading towards the kitchen. I’m really curious as to what he wants to say.
“I don’t want you to leave. Part of that is selfish because I want to be able to see you, but the other part is I want that family with you. And if you leave, so does that chance. I’ll help you raise Joey. I know you aren’t ready for a relationship because you don’t trust me yet. But I want to gain that trust. I want to show you what kind of man I can be. I don’t want to be the shell of the man I was. I want to be a great man, like my dad,” he pauses and looks at his hands.
“I’d tell you I want to be that man for you and Joey, and I do because you deserve that, but I want to be that man for me too. I can’t change myself just to make others happy. I have to want it deep down.” He looks up and grabs my hand. “I want it. I want to be better, and I’m working my ass off to get there.”
I stare into his eyes, trying to decide if this is him blowing smoke. I think he’s really telling the truth. He looks determined, like
this is what he really wants. Now I have to decide if I’m strong enough to forgive him and give this another go.
“Thank you for being honest. I really appreciate it. How about we go on some dates in public? Because I don’t trust myself alone with you.” Damn, do I want to jump his bones.
Mason chuckles at that. “I feel the same way.”
“After those dates, if things are going well, I want to go public with our relationship. No more hiding, no more being scared. I want to show the world that I’m happy.”
Mason grabs my hand. “I’m sorry that I ever made you hide your happiness. That was unfair of me. I’ll do anything you want. I really want to make this work.”
“I’m heading out of town in a few days. How about when I get back, we do something? The only time that works for me, though, is after work. My mornings are devoted to Joey.”
Mason’s face lights up and he nods like a bobblehead. It’s really cute how excited he is.
“That works perfectly. I’ll plan something awesome. And don’t worry, I’ll make it in public.”
I laugh and squeeze his hand, realizing neither of us had let go.
“Thank you for giving us another chance. I know I fucked up, but I promise I’m trying my hardest to be the best version of myself.”
I still have to gain trust for Mason, but maybe, just maybe, I will have a happily ever after... and with the man I always wanted it with.
“How is this new medication working?” Dr. Sean asks.
“Really well. The darkness isn’t really there anymore. I get up actually excited to start the day.”
He nods. “I’m glad to hear that. And how is journaling going?”
“Also, good. You were right that writing every night helps connect me to my emotions. I’m able to pinpoint why I was feeling a certain way and what to do with that. I also let myself feel those emotions like you taught me, but let it go. I really feel like I’m making progress.”
“That’s fantastic news. I think we can move our appointments to once a week. But if you feel like you need to see me sooner, you can call and we can get you in for an emergency appointment.”
“I think you are right. Right now, I have things under control, but the weekly appointments will help me keep it that way. I’m really thankful I started therapy. I didn’t realize how dangerous it was to suppress emotions for so long.”
“Tell me about your week,” Dr. Sean says, bringing us back on track.
“Really good. I ended up being in the same place as Xavier, and we talked. We are going to start dating again, but taking it slow. He doesn’t trust me yet, and I deserve that, but I want to earn that trust back. Show him I can be a better person than I was.”
“That’s good to hear. Remember that when things get difficult, and they will, you have to stay open. Tell him how you feel and don’t push down those emotions. If you feel a panic attack coming on, take those deep breaths or try the grounding exercises we have been working on. The biggest thing is to not close yourself off. Don’t push those you care about away; instead, let them in. Let them help you.”
I nod. “Just thinking about it is actually terrifying, and my heart is racing really fast right now. But I want this.” I pause and close my eyes, taking three deep breaths. I open my eyes and Dr. Sean is smiling.
“Good job, Mason. You are going to do great. Just keep doing what you’ve already learned and keep coming to therapy. We can work together on anything that comes up. But I promise as time goes on, these appointments won’t be as necessary. I’ll always be here for you, but the point of therapy is to teach you what you need to know and grow as a person. You are already doing really well. We’ll get you to where you want to be in no time.”
I stand and reach out my hand to him.
“Thank you. I really am loving who I am.”
I walk out feeling great. I know not every day will be a walk in the park, but I know I can continue to grow and get over any obstacle that comes my way. I am determined to have a good life and be the man I know I can be.
“So, what do you have planned for tonight?” Meadow asks as I hang a picture for her in the restaurant.
“There is an art festival going on downtown. Even though it’s a Tuesday, they will be open late. There is music, food trucks, and a beer garden. I feel like it’s the best place for a public date.” I step back and admire my handiwork. “Look straight to you?”
“It looks perfect, and your date idea sounds amazing. You two will have a blast. Make sure if you feel anxious over anything to let Xavier know how you are feeling.”
“I know, I’m really excited about this. I fucked up so bad last time, and I know that, but I’m going to get this happily ever after. I don’t have to be perfect; I just have to stay open and honest. Had I done that in the first place, Xavier and I never would have broken up.”
Meadow wraps her arms around me and squeezes. “I’m so proud of you, Mason. You have always been an amazing guy, but seeing this side of you, I kind of wish you were straight.”
I laugh and tickle her. “You’ll find your guy one day,” I tell her and kiss her head.
“I know. I’m fucking amazing. But I need a strong man who can handle all my craziness.”
I laugh. “That’s for sure. But you are the good kind of crazy… Staff training starts next week, right?” I ask, trying to figure out how much time I have to spend here.
I told Meadow I would train the management staff. She is going to train the kitchen staff, Liam will train the bartenders, and all of us will work with the wait staff that won’t be coming in for another week.
“Yes. Thank you again for agreeing to help train the management team. I wish I could just be in charge of everything, but there is only one of me, and I don’t want to wear myself too thin.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll double-check my schedule at the firm tomorrow, but I’m pretty sure I cleared all my afternoons. Mr. Murphy was actually impressed that I was only working half days for the week. He said that he noticed a change in me and was happy for me. I explained to him that Xavier and I had broken up, and he knows I’ve been seeing a therapist. I’ve been more open with him. I still keep it professional, but he deserves my honesty.”
Meadow smiles. “You are doing so well. Now go and get ready for your date. Knock his socks off, sexy.” She giggles, pushing me out the door.
I walk out laughing and feeling like the stars are aligning again.
“Are you ready?” I ask Xavier, standing outside his door, my hands in my pocket.
He smiles. “Yep, let’s go. Where are you taking me?”
“There is an art festival going on. Lots of local musicians, food trucks, a beer garden, and local vendors selling things. Most of the booths are supposed to be open until midnight, and the music goes until one.”
“That sounds like fun. That’s a lot more public than I thought you would plan.”
I nod and remove my hands from my pocket to rub the back of my neck. “Yeah, I’m going to be honest, I’m slightly nervous. But this is life. People may make rude comments, or take our picture, or whatever. There’s no hiding from it. I have to learn to deal with it. I’ll always tell you how I feel and be honest with you.”
Xavier smiles and grabs my hand, giving it a squeeze. “That’s all I want from you. Just be honest with me.”
“I promise,” I tell him with a smile, feeling hopeful.
“Where do you want to start?” I ask, holding Xavier’s hand.
I know this is technically our first date, but I can’t help wanting to touch him.
“How about we check out the booths, see if we can find anything cool?” he suggests, and I nod.
“Great idea. I’m not going to drink tonight, but if you want to, go for it. I’ll be your D.D.”
He chuckles and squeezes my hand. “Why don’t we have a sober night? I think that’s perfect for our second first date.”
“Me too,” I tell him with a smile.
We slowly wa
lk around, checking out each booth, when we come to a man drawing caricatures. Xavier pulls me towards the booth with a mischievous smile.
“Oh, we are totally doing that,” he tells me, his eyes lighting with excitement.
“Fine.” I roll my eyes, but my heart starts to race.
Not letting go of his hand, I stop for a minute and close my eyes, taking three deep breaths.
Breathe in - I am enough - breathe out.
Breathe in - I can do this - breathe out.
Breathe in - I love myself and won’t let my anxiety stop me - breathe out.
I open my eyes and smile at Xavier; his smile and soft eyes tell me he’s proud of me.
“Sorry, I was having a bit of a panic attack, but I’m better now,” I tell him as heat rises to my cheeks. I know I don’t have anything to feel embarrassed about, but knowing Xavier understands me makes me a bit flustered.
Xavier squeezes my hand, giving me encouragement.
“We don’t have to do it,” he tells me, but I shake my head.
“You want to. The world already knows I’m gay. I can do a caricature with my boyfriend,” I pause, wondering if I can even call him that anymore. “I mean… if you’re okay with me calling you that.”
He shakes his head with a smile. “My feelings for you never stopped. You know I love you. I don’t care if you want to label us. Call me your boyfriend, call me whatever you want. Just don’t push me away anymore.”
I nod and we go to the booth. The artist has a warm smile, making us feel welcomed.
“Tell me a little bit about each of you, so I get my drawing perfect,” he tells us, picking up his pen.
“Well, I’m a baseball player, and my amazing boyfriend here is a lawyer,” Xavier isn’t looking at the artist when he says this; instead, he stares into my eyes to tell me we are doing this.
The artist smiles and starts drawing.
Ten minutes later, he’s done and hands us our canvas.
“Oh, my God, it’s perfect.” Xavier chuckles.
I start laughing because it is perfect. We both have giant heads; Xavier is carrying a gigantic bat and I have a large gavel. I’m not a judge, but it’s still fantastic. The best part however is the fact that our caricatures are looking at each other with hearts in their eyes. This is going on a wall somewhere for sure.
