Before We Knew

by Wasowski, Mary

  This is just crazy. I said a quiet prayer for my mom and promised I would be back soon to catch her up on my life. It was stupid, because I was one who believed I could talk to my mom no matter where I was. I made my way back to my car and then drove home to Cary to meet up with Leah.

  She opened the door and was shocked at my appearance. “What happened to you? I was getting worried. Did you have car trouble?” Then she looked over my shoulder to see my car was parked out in front. “Come in before you catch pneumonia.” Her hands wrapped around my shoulders, and the minute she closed the door and I was safe inside my childhood home, I broke down and cried in her arms.

  My sister sprang into taking care of me by removing my wet coat and then getting a towel from the linen closet to dry my hair. She reminded me so much of mom, I almost felt sick to be cared for in such a way. My hair had so much water in it that she literally twisted a ponytail, and water dripped down into the towel. I must have lost time on how long I stood there in the cemetery.

  “Hallie, why don’t you go upstairs to your room and change? I’ll make you a cup of tea, and then we can talk,” Leah said and then nudged me toward the stairs.

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. How am I going to explain what happened to me when I went to visit our mother? The strange woman? Who was she? And why did she say what she did? My head was beginning to throb by the time I walked into my room. I removed all my wet garments and tossed them into the basket. I walked over to my huge armoire and picked out a pair of yoga pants and one of my dad's old sweatshirts that I didn’t have the heart to part with. It was well broken-in and so soft that it felt like a blanket against my skin.

  “Hallie, the tea is ready,” my sister called up the stairs.

  “I’ll be right down,” I answered back.

  My feet hit the landing, and then instead of going down, I turned and slowly walked over to our mother’s bedroom. I never went in here, and although Leah encouraged me to, something inside of me always held me back. My hand touched and turned the knob, and nothing happened. I don’t know what I was expecting. It’s just a normal doorknob found in most homes.

  My breathing increased, and it felt as if I was on the verge of having a panic attack, but I did what my therapist taught me to do, and I calmed myself down. I walked inside and found a perfectly made bed, arranged just like mom always used to do. Not one pillow out of place nor a crinkle on the bedspread. I walked inside of her walk-in closet, and again, everything was the same as if nothing had happened, but that’s not true at all. Our entire life changed the moment we opened the door to the police officers delivering us the bad news.

  My shoulders dropped, and I began to cry, so much that I couldn’t stand any longer and dropped to my knees. I missed my mom so much, and she should be here with us, and my father too. Life sucks, and it can be so cruel. Why did it have to be her that died on that night? As I continued to cry, the thoughts that ravaged my mind wouldn’t stop. I kept reliving opening the door and seeing their faces and hearing the words…oh no, make it stop.

  “Make it stop! Make it stop!” I shouted so loud over my tears that I didn’t feel my body moving until I opened my eyes and saw beautiful, piercing blue ones staring back at me.

  Ben was here. My Ben.

  13

  This is my life, not yours

  Ben…

  Did I hear him right? My father is telling me that I have to end my relationship with the girl I love, and just leave her? Hell fucking no! Has he gone mad? I know my father has made some demands on me over the years, but nothing like this.

  “No, I am not going anywhere, least of all am I breaking up with Hallie.”

  “You have to, Ben, for the sake of our family. It has to be done.”

  “For our family? Are you out of your bloody mind? As if you care one way or another about anything in my life or who and what I care about. This is a joke, you standing here and throwing the word ‘family’ around as if it should mean something to me. Do you know what a real family is? The Whitman’s, they are a real family. I have never felt so much love in all my life until I met them. All you have to do is walk through their door, and it hits you right in your heart. No, what we have is not anywhere close to what I have experienced in the last six months, and I will be damned if I let that go.”

  “You don’t have a choice, and if you force my hand, you will not like the consequences.”

  “What are you going to do that you haven’t done to me already? You can make me penniless, homeless, and leave me with nothing, and I still will not go with you and risk hurting Hallie.”

  “What about your mother? Will you risk hurting her?”

  “What does mother have to do with Hallie? Mother is in London, and I haven’t seen her in two years, so I don’t think she’s missing me all that much. I write letters, they go unanswered. I call, again unanswered. And I’m supposed to just uproot my life for a woman who completely cut me off? No, I will not do it.”

  “Ben, there are reasons why that had to be done, and at the time, I truly believed I was doing the right thing, but now I see that I was wrong to keep you and your mother apart. She’s sick, Ben.”

  “Sick? What do you mean?” I looked at my father, and his face said it all.

  Unbelievable! She must have done something to disappoint the great Oliver Chapel, so now I have to go home to hold her hand.

  “What is it? Did she not behave like the perfect wife in front of your business associates? Did she use the wrong fork at dinner? You parade my mother around as if she was a paid escort doing exactly what she’s been paid to do.”

  “Don’t ever speak about your mother in that way again. Do you hear me?”

  “Why? It’s the truth. Chapels have to be perfect, or we pay the consequences until we step back in line. You have been teaching me this lesson since I could walk, and you have never stopped with me or my mother. If you did anything right by me, it was getting me out of London and giving me a chance to have a real life here, and I have that now with Hallie.”

  “Which is why what I have to say to you will make this so much harder once you know the truth. Your mother is no longer in London. She left to go for a walk and disappeared. I haven’t been able to locate her as of yet, but I believe she is on her way here, or is here already. She has the means to go anywhere she wants in the world, and once I heard that one of my private planes were used, I knew what she was planning.”

  “Why are you so troubled at the fact that my mother wants to see me? I mean, have you been holding her in London against her will?”

  “Ben, don’t be ridiculous. She’s been at home and under the review of a team of doctors caring for her well-being.”

  “What’s wrong with her?”

  “As if you don’t know. Are you going to make me say it?”

  “You’re the one who came to me, so yeah, tell me the truth or get out.”

  “She’s been suffering from depression for many years now. As beautiful and graceful as your mother has always appeared to be, underneath that mask is a layer of deep sadness. It began a few years after you were born. She doted on you, Ben, gave you every minute of her time as a loving mother should, and then one day, she just changed and became fragile instead of strong. She miscarried a baby we were so happy and looking forward to. It weighed heavily on both of us, and when the doctors told us that she would not be able to conceive again, we were devastated. When we returned home, she was not the same, and the one and only time I left her on her own was her first attempt at suicide. You were in boarding school by then, and we felt it was better to not tell you, keep you focused, and not allow you to be derailed from your studies.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My mother tried to kill herself, and all my father cared about was my studies? Is he delusional? I gripped the sides of the mantle, ready to rage back at my father, and then I heard my cell phone ring. It was Hallie’s ringtone, and I wasn’t going to avoid it.

  “Ben, let it go to
voicemail. We are not finished here.”

  “You’re wrong. This should have ended the minute you told me to end things with Hallie. I have to take this,” I said and answered her call.

  “Hey, baby, are you on your way?” I asked, and then I was surprised to hear Leah’s voice instead of Hallie’s. “Leah, what’s wrong? Where’s Hallie?” I asked already grabbing my keys and wallet from the bowl. “I’ll be right there. See you soon.” I ended the call and pocketed the phone.

  “I have to go. Hallie needs me,” I said, and then my father gripped me by my shoulder to stop me from leaving.

  “No, Ben, you are not going anywhere. We are not finished here. Please, son, there is so much you don’t know. Please, give me the chance to explain.”

  “Remove your hand from my shoulder, or I will do it for you,” I said through clenched teeth as my jaw muscles ticked. I never raised a hand to my father, but I would tonight if he prevented me from getting to Hallie.

  His eyes shifted to my balled-up fists and then back to me. He released his hold and stepped back. The look in his eyes was a mix of anger and pain, but I couldn’t deal with him anymore tonight. I left without looking back.

  I drove to Hallie’s house faster than I should have, but I didn’t care. Leah told me that something was wrong with Hallie, and I should come over right away. I parked my car in the driveway, and Leah opened the door and let me in.

  “Where is she?” I asked.

  “She’s upstairs and won’t come down. I tried, but she keeps crying and won’t talk to me. I’m getting scared here, Ben. Are you two alright? Did you get in a fight or something?”

  How could her sister ask me that? I love Hallie more than life itself, and I would never do anything to hurt her. “No, we’re fine, and I haven’t talked to Hallie since this morning when she left for her classes.”

  “I’m sorry. I had to ask. Please, go upstairs and try to calm her down.”

  “Don’t worry, Leah. I’m here now. I’ll take care of her.”

  Her sister smiled, knowing I was telling the truth and meant every word. I took the stairs two at a time until I reached the room Hallie was crying in. It was her mother’s room, and she was curled up into a ball, crying in a pile of clothes. I said nothing and just knelt down to take her in my arms. She instinctively put her arms around my neck and burrowed her face into my chest. I carried her to her bedroom and placed her down on the bed. I held her close as she continued to cling to me.

  “Baby, talk to me. What has you so upset?” I asked.

  She shook her head and said nothing. I didn’t want to force her, so I held her until she was ready. Leah had come upstairs after about twenty minutes or so, and still, Hallie was silent and the crying had stopped. Leah looked conflicted and unsure of how to help her sister.

  When an hour had gone by, I tried again and realized Hallie was asleep. I kissed the top of her head and slowly removed myself from the bed, covering her with the blanket. I crept as quietly as I could from her bedroom and walked downstairs to talk to Leah. I kept the door open just in case Hallie woke up and called for me. I wasn’t going anywhere and planned to stay here tonight with my girl.

  “Hey, is she alright?” Leah asked in a concerning tone.

  “She’s asleep,” I said as I walked into the kitchen.

  Leah handed me a cup of hot tea, and I appreciatively accepted it. “Are you hungry? I have some lasagna I had made for dinner tonight, but we never had a chance to eat.”

  “Sure, I can eat, and thank you. I have take-out waiting for us back at my apartment. I was waiting on Hallie to come over, and then I kind of got held up with an unexpected visit from my father.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t take you away from anything important.”

  “No, you didn’t. Nothing would have prevented me from coming here for Hallie. Thank you for calling me.”

  “You really love her, don’t you?”

  “More than I can explain to you or anyone, for that matter. She’s the one, Leah, and I intend to build a life with your sister.”

  I never expected to say those words to Leah before I said them to Hallie, but she asked, and after the emotional night with my father, I couldn’t hold back my feelings.

  “Okay, good to know,” she smiled and went to take out the food from the oven. After she placed the pan down on the cooling rack, she cut up a hefty portion for me and some for herself. She took out some sodas from the fridge and handed me a basket of garlic bread. It smelled delicious, and I began eating, not realizing how hungry I was.

  In-between eating, my cell buzzed in my pocket, and I didn’t have to look at my phone to realize who was calling. Nine calls in total and several texts messages, demanding me to call him back. I ignored them all and finally shut my phone off, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any more of his nonsense tonight.

  “Thank you for this. It was delicious,” I said and then wiped the corners of my mouth with the linen napkin. I helped Leah clear the table, and then we chatted a few minutes about her upcoming wedding and how happy she was to be finishing up with school.

  Their home was homey and comfortable. It was warm and inviting. The walls were covered with family pictures, each one telling a story about their happy family. My heart hurt looking at them, because I never had that with mine.

  Leah came up behind me as I was looking at one photo of the four of them. “The famous food fight picture. We had so much fun at that barbeque. Oh, look at my hair! Is that a hotdog piece in there?” She laughed as she looked closer to the photo. She pointed to several others and then said, “Mom and dad loved each other so much. They never argued, and if they did, it wasn’t in front of us girls. They used to dance around in the living room, just laughing and smiling. I have that with Harry, and I think you and Hallie have that too. Mom would have loved meeting you and Harry. Dad probably would put you through the inquisition at first but then soften and welcome you into the family.”

  “Leah, I am so sorry you lost them,” I said and then took her in for a hug.

  She hugged me back and then patted my shoulders before stepping out of the hug. “I’m sorry too, but losing my parents made me examine my life and how I was living it. I’m supposed to be the older sister who has her shit together, but it was Hallie, not me. My mother’s death was a wake-up call, and I knew I had to be better for not only me but for her too.”

  “Leah, you are amazing and so strong. I have never met anyone like you. I wouldn’t worry about making Hallie or your parents proud, because they already are.”

  “Thank you, Ben that means a lot. Listen, I’m exhausted, and I think I’m going to go to bed. Will you stay here tonight?”

  “I planned on it,” I replied, and then she caught the hesitation on my face.

  “It’s okay. You can stay with Hallie in her room. Just sleep, okay?”

  “You got it. Thank you.”

  I kicked off my shoes and socks and then took off my jeans before climbing into bed with Hallie. Whatever upset her tonight really has taken a toll on her. She didn’t even flinch when I moved up behind to hold her close to me.

  It didn’t take long for me to join her in sleep, and I prayed she wouldn’t have any nightmares tonight. I would talk with her in the morning, and then I would speak with my father and find out what is going on with my mother and why he asked me to end things with Hallie.

  14

  Buried secrets

  Hallie…

  Ouch, my head hurts as if I’m recovering from a hangover. I wouldn’t know about that since I don’t drink, but the way my head is pounding, it must feel like that, I thought silently to myself as recognition came into focus with the feel of strong arms wrapped around my waist. Ben. The memory of him coming for me last night is vivid in my mind as I remember how he took care of me. He was patient and never pushed as I continued to cry in his arms.

  I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears, and turned to look at my beautiful boyfriend. His long eyelashes fl
ickered a bit as his lips formed the perfect O. Was he dreaming? I hope whatever it is, it’s nice.

  I leaned into him, getting as close as I could. I needed to feel his skin on mine, and that’s when I pulled my shirt over my head to be just as naked as he was. I slipped my underwear down my legs and tried to do the same for Ben, but he stopped my movement by grabbing my wrists.

  “Hey,” he said in a raspy voice. “What are you doing, baby?”

  I smiled, “If you need me to explain it, then I’m doing something wrong.” I giggled and then leaned down to take his hard cock into my mouth, swirling my tongue over its bulbous head.

  He was aroused as his cock was already leaking as I sucked it up with my tongue before taking him in deeper. Ben never wanted an even exchange when it came to sex. He always pleasured me first and never asked for anything in return. Well, that changes now, because all I want to do is bring him pleasure.

  He gave in, it didn’t take much for him to, and then he was grinding against my mouth as he was on the edge of his orgasm. I wasn’t an expert at this, but he wasn’t complaining either. I cupped his balls and knew he was close, but before he could come, he moved me so I could straddle his waist and positioned my body over his cock.

  My hands found his chest of muscles as he gripped each side of my hips. I moved up and down in a tight-measured pace. My head fell back as I reached my orgasm, and Ben followed as I fell down to his chest slicked with sweat.

  “Oh my god, you are so perfect. You are perfect for me. I love you, Hallie, so much,” he said as his arms crossed over my back and held me to his chest.