Before We Knew

by Wasowski, Mary

  “What will you do?” I asked.

  “I’ve been selected to take part in an experimental drug therapy trial, and it’s only available in Europe. The clinic is in Switzerland, world-renowned, and I’ll get the best care.”

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m just in a state of shock, and I feel like I’m drowning in one revelation after another.”

  “Its perfectly understandable, and you coming here was not meant for a splendid mother and son reunion. Ben, it’s goodbye, but I hope it's not our last. God willing, I hope to remember you for a long time, but if I can’t, I’ll just be loving you from another place. I’ve done it before and have gotten pretty good at it.”

  She didn’t cry, not one tear. My mother was calm, articulate, and for once, at peace. I never saw that look in her eyes before today. I didn’t say another word or ask any more questions. I just took my mother in my arms and held her.

  It had been years since I’ve done this, and I never knew how much I missed it until now. She soothed me gently with soft caresses up and down my back as I let go and mourned the loss of my mother who was still alive in my arms. We stayed that way for a long time before my father came out to check on us.

  “Lilliana, it’s time to go,” he said with his hands in his pockets and his face cast down to the floor.

  “Yes, Oliver, I know.” She lifted my face and placed her hands on my cheeks. “I love you, Benjamin Oliver Chapel. You are my son and always will be. Please forgive me for what I’ve done and the times I have failed you.”

  “No, stop, please. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry, mother. I am so sorry for not being there for you. I spent my entire childhood being angry and confused when I could have spent valuable time with you.”

  “No, don’t blame yourself. Your father had to protect you, and believe me, this was not an easy decision to come to. I forced him, Ben, and because he couldn’t lash out on his sick wife, you were the one that took it for me. I have to go now. Please promise me that what I’ve said here today will not change the man you are. You are so many things, Ben, and I don’t know what I’ll do if you suffer any more than you have to. Promise me, Ben. Please do this for me, and I will never ask another thing of you.”

  With tears flooding my eyes, I said, “Yes, I promise you. I love you, mother.”

  “And I love you. Now, go. Your father will keep you updated. I made sure of it.”

  My mother kissed each one of my cheeks and then turned to walk into the back bedroom, closing the door behind her and possibly taking my heart with her. My father placed a hand to my shoulder and squeezed it a bit before turning me around to face him.

  He said, “I’m sorry for telling you the way I did. I was scared and didn’t see any other way to deal with it. I’ll be away for a while, but if you should need anything, just call my Charlotte office, and it will be taken care of.”

  “And who will take care of you, father?”

  He just shrugged and pulled me in for a hug, gripping my shoulders tighter than I liked, but I understood what he couldn’t say.

  18

  We will find the way or make a new one

  Hallie…

  I drove around for a while before finally ending up back at Ben’s apartment. I used the key he gave me and let myself in. It’s usually always meticulous with not one thing out of place, but not today. I threw out the take-out boxes of Chinese food that had been ordered the other night for us. It was untouched and smelled up the kitchen. I cleaned up everything and lit a few candles to make the apartment smell better.

  I took a shower and caught up on my homework, and still no Ben. I called him over ten times, each call going straight to voicemail, and it was the same for my texts. “Where are you, Ben? Please come home,” I said for no one to hear.

  Warm kisses pelted my neck as I leaned closer into the feeling. I dreamily sighed and then opened my eyes to see Ben smiling down at me.

  “You’re home,” I whispered, and then he leaned down and kissed me on my lips. “I missed you.” I kissed him back, and then I was in his arms and being carried into his bedroom. “Ben, where have you been?” I asked as he placed me down in the middle of the bed.

  He didn’t answer me, just wrapped his body around mine and held me. He felt different, and it was clear something was bothering him, but I didn’t push for answers. He was there for me the other night, and I would do the same for him tonight. We slept this way for hours, and then I felt him get out of bed around two am to take a shower. I wanted to follow him so badly, but I stayed where I was and waited for him to return.

  He came out with only a towel wrapped around his waist and his shaggy hair over his forehead. He’s so hot but could use a haircut. I can hardly see his eyes under all of it.

  “Hey, did I wake you?” he asked.

  “Yes, but only because you got out of bed.”

  He nodded and then went over to his dresser, dropping the towel for my viewing pleasure, and put on a pair of basketball shorts. I swear you could bounce quarters off his tight ass.

  Okay, Hallie, stop drooling over your boyfriend.

  “Listen,” he said as he took a knee to the bed. “I know I was a ghost today and you probably worried, but it’s complicated. I had to deal with a lot of hard family stuff.”

  I leaned closer and flipped on the side table lamp so I could see his face better. “Ben, whatever it is, you can tell me. We can work out anything, no matter what it is.”

  His shoulders began to shake, and his tears were falling faster than I could wipe them away. Ben is so strong all the time, 24/7, but I have never seen him so upset before, and I wasn’t sure what to do. He tugged me toward him and tightened his arms around my back. It was a little forceful, but I didn’t complain. The more he cried, the tighter his arms became.

  “Oh, Hallie, please don’t leave me. I love you so much, and I need you in my life.”

  What is he talking about? I would never do that. “Ben, you’re hurting me. Please loosen your grip a little,” I gasped, and then he did and another string of apologies followed. I placed my hands on his face and just kissed him and wouldn’t stop until he calmed down. I didn’t know what to do, so I used the only thing I could think of: sex.

  He quickly removed my shirt, and my underwear followed. He shoved his shorts down and pushed inside of me in one hard thrust. I bit my lip to ward off the sting of pain until I got used to him being there. He was animalistic, with so much need building up inside of him, I thought he was going to explode and take me with him. His hands covered mine as he continued to move at a fast pace. He didn’t kiss me or whisper how much he loved me; no, he just fucked me.

  I felt him come, and then his body began to shake as he pumped every ounce of his release inside of me. Ben was big, and it always took a little bit for his body to calm down after sex. He was heavy, and if he was going to pass out, I didn’t want him to do it while he was still on top of me.

  I pinched him in the ribs, and finally he got the message and pulled out and collapsed on his back. I felt his cum leak out of me and down my thighs. The sheet was wet, and I needed to get up. His eyes were closed, and I think he was asleep.

  I got up and took a quick shower. I came back out, and Ben hadn’t moved. He looked incredibly beautiful and exhausted. I kissed his forehead and covered him with the blanket. I pulled a part of the sheet that was wet and climbed into bed beside Ben. I held him and prayed he would feel my love and talk to me in the morning.

  The alarm sounded off, and it hurt to open my eyes. I felt like I’d been up for days, and I was in need of a lot more sleep. Ben was already out of bed. I heard him in the kitchen, and I hoped he was making coffee. A few minutes later, he walked in with a breakfast tray filled with coffee, juice, toast, and fruit. My mouth watered, because I was really hungry.

  “Good morning, love,” he said and handed me my coffee. “I was a beast last night, and you don’t know how ashamed I feel about that. Please forgive me. I promise you that I wi
ll never use you like that again, especially when I’m not thinking clearly.”

  I put the coffee back on the tray and took him in my arms. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, and it’s not like I said no and stopped you. You are my boyfriend and mine, as I am yours. We can make love and fuck our brains out too.” I said that in jest, but he wasn’t laughing.

  “Hallie, I don’t just fuck you. Please don’t ever say that again to me.” He got off the bed and put a pair of jeans on, leaving his chest bare to me.

  “Okay, I’m sorry, but what do you want me to say here? Where were you yesterday? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

  “Hallie, I can’t do this right now. My head and my heart feel heavy right now, and I just can’t find the words I need to say to you.”

  “Are you breaking up with me?” My voice hitched, and shivers rushed up and down my spine.

  “No, baby, that’s the last thing I want. However, what I have to say is probably going to drive you away, and you will be the one leaving me.”

  “No, don’t say that. I would never leave you, Ben. You said the same thing last night, and I didn’t understand it then and still don’t understand it now. What would make you think such a thing? We’re fine, and we love each other. What’s changed from the time you left me at my house until now? Ben? Hello?” I motioned my hands in front of him when he went silent on me.

  “Come, we don’t want to be late for classes, and it’s going to be a long day,” he said, not giving me anything else. He just shut down on me and finished getting dressed.

  I wanted to just throw the tray across the room. I was so frustrated with him. I silently got dressed and packed my messenger bag. I left the tray for him to clean up and followed him down to the parking garage in silence.

  As confused as I was and probably a little hurt, my mom always taught us to never walk away angry, so I didn’t. He opened my car door for me, and I tossed my things on the passenger seat. He pulled me into a hug and kissed me goodbye. He walked away without another word spoken. I watched him drive away, and I was more confused than ever.

  After my first two classes, I was dying of thirst and hunger. I texted the girls and had them meet me at the coffee bar that was on campus. I grabbed a table and waited for Maggie and Marina to arrive. The girls were chatting happily as they entered the café, and once they saw me, they hurried over to the table.

  “Girl, we missed you,” said Maggie, and then Marina followed by giving me a hug. Once I saw my friends, I just broke down in tears. “What’s wrong, babe? Why the tears?” Maggie asked.

  “Are you pregnant?” asked Marina.

  “No, and bite your tongue. I’m on the pill, and it’s working the way it is supposed to. It’s Ben. Something is up with him, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Why do you have to do anything?” asked Marina. “Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to solve all the problems of mankind? Let him have his tantrum, and once it is over, he will be fine. You know, women are not the only ones that get a period. Men get them too. They just don’t bleed like us.”

  “Ewww, change of topic, please,” I said with a smirk.

  Leave it to the girls to always make me feel better. We ordered some lunch and caught up on what was new in their lives. Boyfriends are good. Classes are good. Parties were a must, and they begged me to join them on Saturday. Without even thinking, I just blurted out that I would go, which made my friends very happy. I wasn’t sure how Ben would feel about it since frat parties are not his cup of tea. His words, not mine. The first time he said that, I laughed out loud, holding my stomach. Every once in a while, his British would come out, and then I couldn’t get enough, and I didn’t care what he would say just as long as it was in his accent.

  He texted me a few times throughout the day, all with “I love you and miss you.” The others were apologies and to call him when I was done for the day. I texted him back with the same response, because as strong as Ben was, he also craved my attention and needed to hear me say the words back to him. Any time we made love, he would always hold my hands above my head or cup my face and demand I say the words. Words like “I love you,” “I’m yours,” and “We are forever.” I didn’t mind, because all of it was true.

  I could be patient, and I’ll give him some time to work out whatever he was going through, but tonight he would have to be on his own.

  I made the decision to go back to my dorm tonight and have fun with my friends. A little distance won’t hurt us and maybe it will do us both some good.

  19

  You promised forever, let’s see if that’s still true

  Ben…

  I wanted to smash my phone after I received the text telling me that she wasn’t coming over tonight. How could I blame her after my barbaric behavior last night? I apologized a hundred times, but it still feels like it’s not enough. I have never been rough with Hallie before and felt like a bastard after it was over. To make matters worse, I fucking fell asleep and didn’t even attempt to hold her. I just rolled over and went to sleep. What a dick! I beat myself up for hours today just thinking about it, and then I had no choice but to shove it aside to get through my classes.

  My schedule is lighter, and I’m almost at the finish line. I can’t wait to put this part of my life behind me and begin working at the company I interned at last summer. I’m sure my father’s name and influence got me through the door, but once I’m working full-time, I’ll make my own mark. He would rather me go to graduate school to further my education, but I said no to that request. I was done and was ready to begin my life with Hallie, outside the reach of Oliver Chapel.

  She still has several years to go before she’s through with university, but we can make it work if she decides to stay with me. I couldn’t tell her last night, and as much as I always want her with me, I guess in a way I’m happy she’s back at the dorm.

  My father called me from the clinic after my mother got settled in. He said they talked for a while after I left, and then she fell asleep. She’s so young to have been diagnosed with a crippling disease. Would I inherit it too? I took some time to read up on it today, and the studies are mixed. One says I could be more at risk getting it from my mother, and then some flat out say it’s not hereditary. I’m healthy, young, and I take good care of myself. Now that I know about mom, I am more determined than ever to stay that way. All I want is to have a full life, one that includes Hallie.

  This was the longest week of my life between my classes and coming home to an empty apartment without my girl in it. We talked on the phone and caught up on each other’s day but agreed to take the week for ourselves and catch up with friends and whatever else we wanted to do. It was a hard pill to swallow, because I didn’t want anything but Hallie. She has become such a big part of my life that nothing else seems to matter. Things I considered important before Hallie are a distant memory now. When you go from living a black and white life to one that is filled with light and color, it’s kind of hard returning to what you thought was normal. No, that was depressing and very lonely.

  I did meet up with Harry, Leah’s fiance, this week and played a few games of racquetball. He’s a cool mate, and kicking his arse on the court felt really good. He sensed something was off and asked me if I needed to talk, but I shrugged it off and lied.

  And now it was Friday night, and my girl was out with friends, and I had no idea what she was doing. I could call Maggie or Marina and just ask them, but that would be an invasion of her privacy, and she’s allowed to have a life of her own. She’s a freshman in college, for fuck sake!

  I pulled at the ends of my long hair strands, and then I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer and called Leah. I asked if I could come over to talk with her, and she said I could anytime, but it had to be now or I was going to just explode. I knew I couldn’t hold it in much longer, and lying to Hallie was shredding my insides into dust.

  Harry answered the door and welcomed me i
n. He handed me a beer and told me to have a seat. We chatted for a few minutes, and then Leah came bouncing down the stairs, giving me a warm hug before sitting next to Harry. The look on my face confirmed what they already suspected: that something was really wrong.

  “Ben, what’s going on? I talked to Hallie, and she said you two were on a break this week? What is this? An episode of Friends? There is no such thing as a break in a relationship. Do I need to hit you really hard, because you are about to break my baby sister’s heart? Or is it something else?”

  “Leah, I love your sister, and we are not breaking up, at least, I hope not after I tell you what I’ve learned.”

  “Okay, then what is it?”

  “Before I tell you, I need you to believe that I did not know anything up until Sunday afternoon. I would never keep anything from Hallie, especially not something like this that has changed her life and yours.”

  “You’re scaring me, Ben. What changed our lives?” she asked and then grabbed onto Harry’s hand for support.

  I couldn’t hold back, and a few tears fell from my eyes. I twisted my hands in my lap, and then I finally said the words. “As you know, Hallie was approached by a woman in the cemetery.”

  “Yes, I know. She said some strange things to Hallie and left flowers on my mother’s grave.”

  “Yes, she did. I know Hallie was confused and scared and had questions about who she was. Well, I know who she is and why she was there.”

  “Ben, can I get you some water? You don’t look so good,” said Harry.

  I shook my head no and continued on. “The woman was my mother, Lilliana Chapel. She was the one who was driving the night of your mother’s accident. She is the one.” I got out and then ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach. “Oh god, I can’t do this,” I cried as I hugged the toilet and continued to get sick.