Before We Knew

by Wasowski, Mary

  “Yeah, that makes two of us. He’s just not capable of changing, and he doesn’t fool me with the loving husband act. He is a bastard, and he uses and preys upon people’s weakness for his personal gain, and if it’s not me, it’s my mother, or you. I’m not going to let him do it, Hallie. I just can’t.”

  “Okay, so we won’t, but you have to go back there, Ben. You promised your mother.”

  “I don’t intend to break my promise, and I will go back in the morning, but I’ll be doing it alone.”

  “No, I will be with you,” she stubbornly said and then turned me around in her arms. I resisted at first, but then I couldn’t hurt her any more than I already have tonight. “Ben, I came on this trip with you, because for once in your life you need someone who unconditionally has your back, not just in words but in actions too. You’ve been alone for so long now that you don’t know the difference between love and abandonment. I am here for you, because I want to be. There is no way you are doing any of this on your own, not anymore. Not on my watch. Not ever.”

  “Oh, really? And how are you going to stop me?” I challenged back with the biggest smile on my face.

  “Like this,” and with a surprisingly strong shove, I was on my ass with Hallie on top of me.

  “Yeah, you’re not the only one who can fight. I prefer wrestling though. Now, stop being a stubborn arse, and kiss me.”

  33

  London, part three

  Hallie…

  Is it possible to have a hangover when you didn’t drink a drop of alcohol? It was the longest night of my life with Ben, talking to him about his father. In the end, he conceded and agreed that I would return with him this morning to see his mother. It was just about six, and on top of the jet lag and all the emotional stress, I was exhausted. However, none of that matters, because this is for Ben, and I promised to get him through whatever happens here in London and thereafter.

  I took my shower first and got ready while he was still sleeping. The coffee tray I ordered should arrive any minute now, and then I would wake Ben and leave to go over to his home.

  “Good morning, Ben. Time to wake up,” I said, holding his coffee under his nose. He stirred a little and then buried his face under his pillow. I waited and then nudged him again. “Ben, come on. Wake up.”

  “I’m awake, killer. Don’t jump on me again,” he said and then rolled over to his side to sit up. He accepted the coffee and took a sip but not before leaning in to kiss me. “Good morning, love, and thank you for this.”

  “You are welcome, and I believe you quite enjoyed me jumping on you last night. I recall you enjoyed it so much that we did it several times through the night, which would explain why you’re so tired this morning. Just a guess,” I winked and finished off my coffee.

  “Remind me that I will never win an argument with you. Are you sure you don’t want to be a lawyer? Because you are smashing at it in more ways than one.”

  “No, I’m good with my current path. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good and only sorry for upsetting you. My father deserved that punch. It was long overdue.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you that one, but you know that can’t happen again, right?”

  “Yeah, I know, and I promise you that I will keep my temper in check. It will be impossible, but anything for you, Hallie.”

  “I called Peter.”

  “And…?”

  “Don’t worry, we won’t be walking into a firing squad. He stayed the night with your father, and…are you ready for this? He told me that he understands why you punched him. He’s willing to talk to you if you give him a chance.”

  “Hallie, I will try for you. Anything beyond that, we just have to see how it goes, okay?” He finished off his coffee, kissed me, and got out of bed. I stopped him before he could go any further.

  “Ben, will you look at me?” I asked. He dropped his head down and grabbed the sides of the door. I watched his back muscles flex as he took a breath. He turned around to look at me, and I walked closer to take him in my arms. “One more thing, and this is a big one: I don’t want you to try for me. You have to try for you, Ben, because you are the only one that can find the peace your heart and soul need.”

  “Anything else?”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you more,” he kissed me on my forehead and went inside to take his shower.

  Oh, I need Leah, but I can’t bother her again on her honeymoon, so I channeled my mom instead. “Please mom, give me the strength to help Ben. He’s just stuck and confused. He doesn’t trust his feelings, and a part of me wants to believe somewhere inside of him is love that he wants to give to his father, but he’s afraid, which holds him back. I think Ben gives me too much credit, but I believe he’s stronger than he realizes. He can do this, mom. I know he can. Any help is appreciated. I love you.” I blessed myself and sent a kiss up to heaven for both my parents.

  “You okay?” he asked, coming out of the bathroom.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Ready?”

  “Give me five, and then we can leave.”

  “Perfect,” I said, giving him my best smile. “It’s going to be okay. We’ve got this!” I silently said to myself.

  “Welcome back, Hallie. Thank you for convincing my son to return,” his father said as he took my coat. “He needs to be here, whether he believes it or not.”

  His father said nothing more, and I walked inside to the living room to say hello to his mom. Her smile lit up the room once she saw Ben. He hugged her gently and then reached for my hand to come closer. She was sitting upright in a wingback chair, wearing a bright fuschia colored scarf to cover her surgery site.

  “Good morning, Hallie, and thank you for coming back. When I discovered what happened last night once I retired for the evening, I expected you two to be halfway across the Atlantic by now, so thank you for staying.”

  “No chance at that happening. So, what’s on the menu?” I asked, earning a laugh from Ben’s mom.

  “Well, I wasn’t sure what you would like, and I wasn’t going to take a chance of introducing you to new foods, so I went with the safer option.” She gestured to the staff to lift the dome covers, and the platters were filled with omelets, pancakes, bacon, waffles, French toast, and crepes, and that didn’t include the wide assortment of pastries.

  “I hope you’re hungry,” she winked and then invited us to sit down at the table that was arranged in front of her. Her husband wanted her comfortable, so he had the furniture moved and a large dining table brought in.

  “Mother, this is amazing. Thank you so much,” Ben said and placed a napkin over his lap.

  “You are welcome. Oliver, are you joining us?”

  “Yes, of course, I am,” he kissed her forehead and took the seat beside his wife.

  Ben quietly ate and finished two huge helpings of food while keeping the conversation light. His mom was engaging and even his father contributed to the conversation while I sat quietly along taking it all in.

  This is what I prayed on, and so far, my prayers were being answered. “Thank you, mom,” I said only to myself and finished my breakfast.

  Once the table was clear and Peter re-joined us, the room fell silent again, and that’s when I had an idea. I said, “Lily, thank you for breakfast, it was delicious. I think I need to burn off some major calories I just ate. Peter, if you’re feeling up to it, how about we take that tour of the property?”

  He looked at me a little stunned but quickly recovered. “Yes, I think that’s a splendid idea. I’ll grab my coat and meet you out front.”

  “Hallie, you don’t have to go,” said Ben as he got up from the table to join me.

  “Yes, I do. You need this time with your parents. Remember, Ben, do this for you, not for me. I love you, and it’s going to be alright.” I gave him a quick hug and then directed my attention back to his parents, who were watching us intently.

  “Thanks again. I’ll see you later.”

  “Have f
un, Hallie. The garden is lovely this time of year,” his mother said and waved us off.

  I exchanged a hopeful look with Peter, as we made our way out of the room. We both remained positive that the Chapels could and would be able to find a common ground where they could resolve their issues and be happy as a family.

  34

  London, part four

  Ben…

  “She is something special, isn’t she?”

  “Yeah, she is, mom. I can’t believe how I found her and how much she loves me.”

  “I see that. It warms my heart to know and see how happy you are. You are my son, Benjamin, and I know I haven’t been the greatest mother to you, but I’d like to change that if you would allow me to. I’m so sorry for hurting you and giving you more years without me than with me. Please forgive me, Benjamin.”

  “Mother, the last thing I need or want is an apology. You are my mom, and I love you with all my heart. No apologies are necessary, so please don’t say it again.”

  “Thank you for being so gracious, but the last thing I need from you is to be placated. Ben, I see the conflict all over you, and it’s not only on your face but it’s inside you, and I know I at least contributed to that.” She looked over to my father and then back to me. “The strides doctors are making around mental illness is revolutionary. I have benefitted a great deal with the new medication and hope to continue to make progress. I don’t know if I was just born broken or missing a cog or two in my brain. I’ve made too many mistakes to account for with you, Ben, but you have to know that bringing you into the world was never one of them. I left you in the care of nannies, because I never trusted myself to do what should have come naturally to me. The doctors tell me some of the attachments or lack of when you were born were a result of my illness.”

  “Mother, please, we don’t have to talk about this.”

  “Yes, we do. And don’t interrupt me again,” she winked and held my hands in hers. “Ben, can you imagine yourself in a room with a large aquarium, and all you hear is the bubbles going through the filter? It can either be very noisy for some, relaxing for others. In my case, it was a noise blocker. All I heard was the bubbles and tuned everything else out, which included you and your father. It became so bad on the night I ran away from your father, and that resulted in the accident I caused with Hallie’s mother. There will never be enough apologies to ever articulate my remorse for what I did that night and all the years you’ve been alive on this earth.”

  She paused, and my father handed her a glass of water. She told him she was okay and to give her time to finish what she had to say to me. “When the doctors in Switzerland figured out what was wrong with me and then drained the bubbles around my brain, I felt I could hear all the noise around me for the very first time. It’s wonderful, Ben, and for as long as my mind is clear, I want to try to be a mother to you and a wife to you, Oliver.”

  She then looked over to my father and said, “You had to do this all on your own, and for better or worse, you did the best you could under the circumstances you were dealt with. I left you alone in this, and instead of taking your anger out on me, you chose your son, our son, to be accountable. And he took it without complaint for so many years until he met a beautiful American girl who showed him what life could be like with a family who can love him back. Oliver, I don’t say this to be cruel, but it’s time we are honest with each other and tell the other how we feel. I loved you once, and that love created Benjamin. And shortly after that, I went into my fishbowl and didn’t come out until Switzerland. I’m sorry, so very sorry.”

  “Shut-up, woman!” he said, taking us both off guard. He got up from the table, paced the room, and then said, “Ben is right. You don’t have anything to be sorry for, and if you want to feel sorry for yourself and make a twenty-year list apologizing to every person who ever crossed your path, be my guest. I can’t go back, and I’m not going to allow Ben to either. You say how you made mistakes? Well, if that’s true, then I’m the grand leader. I can only hope that the punch our son delivered to me last night knocked some sense into my thick and way too obstinate skull. I want to earn your love back Lily, and I am going to do every possible thing to win your heart and be the husband you deserve.”

  With tears in her eyes, she asked, “And what about Ben?”

  “It’s up to him to decide if I’m worth taking a chance on, because we all know I couldn’t blame him if he said no. I always believed if I provided you with everything you needed like money, cars, then anything I was lacking wouldn’t matter that much in the end. You were right, Ben, and Hallie was too. I am everything you accused me of and more. I was horrible to Hallie, and she saw right through me after she was kind enough to give me a second chance. So, Lily, Ben, this is me asking for a third chance. A chance to begin again with my wife and son and hope we all can find something worth fighting for.”

  I watched my mom and father embrace and cry on each other’s shoulder while I wiped a few tears of my own. This was all too surreal for me to take in at the moment. I needed air and Hallie.

  My parents were so caught up in their emotions that they didn’t see me slip out of the room. I closed the door behind me and set out to look for Hallie and Peter, who were walking up the driveway when I spotted them. Hallie’s cheeks were rosy and flushed from the brisk London air. She looked happy and carefree, and once she saw me, she practically sprinted into my arms.

  “Hey, feel my cheeks,” she said happily. I placed my lips to her face and kissed her once, twice, and the third on her adorable nose. “I need hot chocolate,” she giggled and then wrapped her arms around my waist, giving me the exact comfort I needed. I kissed the top of her head and looked over her shoulder to see Peter coming up to meet us.

  “Hey, how did it go in there,” he asked. “It’s pretty incredible, don’t you think?”

  “Peter, how did this happen? I feel as if I walked into someone else's life.”

  “Yeah, I understand what you mean. I have never witnessed my life-long friend wear his heart on his sleeve so openly for everyone to see. It’s like he flipped a switch and is someone I don’t recognize. Ben, when I arrived here at the house I was just as surprised as you were. I begged Oliver to let me talk to you first. It wasn’t fair for you to be blindsided like that, but as soon as your mother knew you were at the door, he rushed right by me.”

  “It’s okay, Peter. I’m not mad. I just need to get out of here for a while, and I’m taking Hallie with me.”

  “Okay, you take the day, and I’ll tell your father you will return for dinner?”

  “Yes, dinner sounds great,” Hallie answered for me.

  Hallie loved British literature, and since I promised her some sightseeing while we were here, I surprised her with a trip to the Keats house, home to the romantic poet, John Keats. Her eyes lit up when I parked the car and she recognized where we were. She couldn’t contain her joy as we toured his private home of treasures. I needed this, and watching Hallie so happy made what all I learned from my parents a lot easier to handle.

  We left the museum and returned to the hotel. Hallie bought books from the gift shop and souvenirs for Leah and Harry.

  “Thank you, Ben, for a wonderful afternoon. It made my year,”

  “You are easy to please, and you’re welcome. I needed the distraction if you couldn’t tell.”

  “I noticed, and yet, you still managed to give me an amazing day all while struggling with what you now know. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

  “I don’t want to,” I said and began taking off my clothes, leaving my boxers on. I climbed into bed and invited Hallie to join me. She changed and snuggled where I needed her to be. “I have my mom back, and I don’t really know what that means. Is it forever or temporary? I can’t even begin to know how I feel about all of this. I mean, we came here to talk to my father, not witness a miracle before our very eyes. You heard her talking, and she was clear and well-spoken. After all these years, I
have a mom.” I wiped away my tears as Hallie hugged me tighter. “Hallie, are you okay? I know this is a lot to take on, and this is not exactly what you signed up for when we got together.”

  “Ben, I signed on for you because I love you. Families are the extras. I know our past is complicated, and some people may not understand how we are together, considering what brought us together. However, I don’t care. I made my peace, and I promise everything that is happening now will not alter my decision and come between us. It’s a miracle what happened with your mom and such a blessing for you to have her back.”

  “Is it? A blessing?”

  “Yes, it’s a blessing. You are programmed to be in this constant state of anger when it comes to your father and have had a lot of reason to be, but that’s over now. Or, at least it can be, if it’s what you want. Ben, don’t you see that this is a real chance to turn things around with him? Life is unpredictable. We’ve known that better than anybody, right?”

  “Yeah, unfortunately, we do.”

  “So, let’s change what we’ve known and gotten used to and wipe the slate clean? What do you say?”

  “Oh, Hallie,” I sighed, knowing my girl was such a dreamer. “You make it sound so uncomplicated.”

  “Because it can be, Ben, if you’re willing to try. I know you can do this, because you are an amazing man who became who you are despite your father. You can be the change that your family needs. Break the cycle, Ben, and take the gift you’ve been given. Who knows when it’s going to come around again? Just think about it, okay?”

  “For you, I will. God, you are my blessing. I love you, Hallie.” I shifted my girl under me and made love to her.

  Yes, my mother’s condition is a miracle, no doubt about it. But meeting Hallie and how she loves me is both a miracle and a blessing, two things I will never take for granted. She’s my life, and one day soon I am going to make her my wife.