Broken Dreams Boxset

by Rebecca Barber

  Slumping forward, I grabbed hold of the sink as Drew’s talented and ambidextrous fingers slipped inside. “Oh my god.”

  “Not God, baby. It’s just me. The man who loves you.”

  “Oh. Oh my...”

  “That’s it, sweetheart. Take what you need.”

  “Drew, I’m… I’m…” I didn’t even get to finish my sentence before a heat spread through my body, burning me from the inside and a blinding white light transported me to a blissful heaven.

  Eventually I came down from the most intense, most life-altering orgasm I’d ever had. I found my towel pooled at my feet and Drew’s big hands cupping my boobs, weighing them in his palms.

  “Fuck! I love these.” I met his gaze in the mirror and caught his eye. Ones filled with lust and longing.

  “Just those?”

  With a firm squeeze, one that gave me tingles right through my already-trembling legs, he said, “No. Not just them. I love this too.” His hands slipped south, resting over my stomach. I tried to suck it in. I wished I was one of those skinny girls with a flat stomach, but I wasn’t. And right now, with the way Drew was playing my body expertly like it was his favourite instrument, I was able to forget. Even if it was only for a second.

  “I’m quite partial to these too,” Drew growled into my ear and his hands clamped down on my wide hips.

  “Oh, are you now?” I teased as I wriggled my arse back against the unmistakable bulge tenting the front of his jeans.

  “You’re asking for trouble.”

  “Maybe trouble is exactly what I want.”

  “You sure?”

  “Fuck me, Drew. Fuck me til I scream.”

  Before I could do or say anything more, I was bent over the sink, a handful of my hair wrapped around his fist as Drew did exactly what I’d asked him to. He plowed into me from behind, my heavy boobs swinging back and forth. Risking a glance, I lifted my flushed face and met Drew’s eyes in the mirror. The moment I did, I detonated like the most explosive bomb known to man. I was done. As he always did, Drew had wrung every ounce of pleasure from my now limp and satisfied body.

  Drew wasn’t far behind me when he lost control. Watching him unravel was something magical. Knowing I was the one who was giving him that kind of pleasure gave me a second wind. With my knuckles white as I held on, I moaned loudly. I felt another stinging slap land across my arse, and I knew I’d be struggling to sit tomorrow but fuck me, was it worth it. When Drew pulled out, it left me feeling empty as a wave of sadness threatened to consume me and pull me under. I felt a splash of warmth across my arse as Drew bellowed his release barely a second before slumping down on top of me.

  Through his panting, Drew whispered into my ear how much he loved me before placing a string of wet kisses along my shoulder blade.

  It took me a few moments to get my breathing under control. “Drew, sweetie, can you get off me please? You’re squishing me.” My ribs were digging into the rim of the sink in a painful way.

  “Shit, sorry!”

  “Don’t be sorry.”

  “I got carried away, Maggie. I didn’t mean to…”

  “Drew. Stop. I loved every second of it.” My stomach rumbled loudly, interrupting our moment.

  Running his finger down my spine leaving a trail of goose pimples in its wake, he massaged his mess into my skin. Straightening up, I wobbled on my feet. Drew steadied me. I don’t know if it was the warmth from the overhead heat lamps, the lack of food in my system or the intensity of our fuckathon that left me with a sheen of sweat covering my exposed skin.

  “Hey there. You okay?”

  Honestly, I wasn’t sure, but the last thing I wanted to do was worry Drew. So, I brushed off his concerns and diverted his attention in the only way I knew how. “You got me all dirty again.”

  “So I did.” A sly, mischievous smirk crept across his face.

  “Well then… what are you going to do about it?”

  “I’m not sure. Any suggestions?”

  “Well, I’m not sure what your plans are, but I’m thinking that a hot shower, pyjamas and some food are in my future.”

  “Sounds like the perfect night to me.”

  We didn’t mention doctors or what happens next again. That wasn’t to say I stopped thinking about it. If anything, the less we talked about it, the more it played on my mind. I couldn’t turn those thoughts off. I couldn’t outrun them either, no matter how hard I tried. At first, I’d tried to exhaust myself. Taking on every extra project, any overtime, and I took up baking. Our house had never been filled with so much sugary goodness than it had in those depressive months.

  But every month, when my period hit like clockwork, my mood sunk a little deeper. Still though, I remained silent, desperate to hide my pain from Drew when it hit like a freight train. There was often spilt tears and more ice cream consumed than recommended for a family of five.

  I was sitting at home, wearing my ugliest sweats and even daggier underwear when Drew came home early one Thursday afternoon. Hearing him stomping up the stairs surprised me. I hadn’t told him I was calling in sick and staying in bed for the day. I didn’t want him to know how miserable I was. Besides the excruciating cramps, all I wanted to do was to crawl under the blankets and wait for this pain to pass.

  When he pushed open the door, I set down the trashy magazine I’d been reading and sat up a little straighter. “You’re home early.”

  “You’re home too,” he stated the obvious before flopping down onto the other end of the couch and loosening his tie.

  Something was wrong. Seriously wrong. Drew was more likely to call and say he was going to be late rather than come home early. “Are you feeling okay?”

  “Yeah,” he replied unenthusiastically.

  I was really struggling. I wanted to know what was going on or wrong, but I didn’t want to come across as nagging. He looked okay-ish, I guess. A little tired maybe. Stressed, probably. I needed him to talk to me. “Drew?”

  “What?”

  Ignoring the exasperation in his tone, I pressed on. “What’s going on?”

  “Why don’t you tell me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Tell me, why aren’t you at work, Maggie? Why are you sitting here looking like someone kicked your cat?”

  Ouch. His words were harsh, and the way he was barely looking at me had me recoiling. Drew had never been and would never be violent, but his words were cutting deep. “I…I wasn’t feeling well.” It was the truth. Well, kind of. It was as close as I could come to telling him anyway.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I didn’t want to tell him. He wouldn’t understand. He couldn’t. Instead, I gave him more half-truths. “I just felt off. It was easier to work from home.”

  “Sure.” I knew he wasn’t buying it, but thankfully he didn’t press for more.

  “What about you?”

  “What about me? I’m home early. So what? You wouldn’t even have known if you hadn’t called in sick.”

  “Drew.”

  “Maggie. For God’s sake, just let it go.” Running his hand across his stubbled jaw, Drew unknotted the tie from around his neck and popped the buttons at his cuff. “I’m gonna go and have a shower.” Without waiting for a reply, he was gone. Moments later, I heard the pipes groan as the shower started.

  Although it was barely two in the afternoon, I headed into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of wine. I wanted to grab a handful of chocolates to go with it, but stepped back from the jar.

  When Drew reappeared, he looked like a different person. Gone was the perfectly pressed suit, shiny shoes and gelled hair, replaced by thigh-hugging jeans, a long-sleeved grey shirt and bare feet. Even though I wished the shower had washed away his bad mood, the scowl on his face gave him away. When he brushed straight past me and into the kitchen, I steeled myself for the fight.

  In all the years we’d been together, our fights and arguments had been few and far between. At least the ones over somethin
g more than a pair of dirty socks left on the floor or the bin not being taken out. This didn’t feel like that though. This felt a whole lot more serious than forgotten underwear.

  Returning to the lounge room, he plopped down in the recliner on the opposite side of the room. It might as well have been the opposite side of the globe for all the comfort and warmth he was throwing in my direction. Tucking my feet up under my butt, I waited for him to start. I’d learnt a long time ago that nagging achieved nothing but getting his back up. I was better off to sit here, keep my mouth shut and wait it out.

  I watched silently as he drank his beer. With every bob of his Adam’s apple, I expected him to say something. He said nothing. He didn’t scream and shout. He didn’t rant. He didn’t throw things. I’d almost prefer that than this stoic brooding bullshit.

  When he set the bottle on the coffee table, not bothering to use a coaster, I bit my lip. He knew how much that bugged me, but right now it wasn’t worth picking a fight over something so trivial. When Drew muttered, I took a deep breath.

  “Sorry. What did you say?”

  Huffing, Drew looked over at me and instead of seeing home in his eyes, all I could see was a cool detachment. It was like I was looking at a stranger. Someone I didn’t know. Someone who didn’t know me. My chest physically hurt.

  “Tell me why you’re home.”

  “I told you. I didn’t feel well.” My voice was tight.

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why don’t you feel well? What’s wrong with you?”

  “My stomach is cramped and I felt a bit dizzy and off balance.”

  “And?”

  “And what, Drew? What more do you want?”

  “I want the whole damn story.”

  I was at breaking point. I felt like Drew had found a sore spot and was just poking it repeatedly until I snapped. “Fine. I’ve got my period, okay? And it hurts. And I hate it. You happy now?” I heard the words spill from my mouth and knew I sounded like a petulant child, but I couldn’t take it back or tone down the surge of emotions running riot through my body. Being a female was shit sometimes.

  “So?”

  “So what? Why don’t you just save us the time and tell me what you want me to say, Drew? What is it you want to hear?” I baited him.

  “What do I want? What do I want? I want you to talk to me. To tell me what the hell is going on with you. What’s been going on with you?”

  “Nothing is going on with me. I’m fine.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Maggie! Don’t use the ‘F’ word with me. It’s bullshit and we both know it.”

  “I am fine, Drew. Yeah, I’m in pain today. My back hurts and it feels like something is trying to claw its way out of my stomach, but I’m fine. I will be fine. Tomorrow, I’ll be back at work and it will be like nothing happened.”

  “And what happens next month?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What happens next month when this happens again?”

  My heart sank. Even though I knew there was a better than real chance that Drew was right, I’d been doing my best to ignore the future. It’d be here soon enough. That was future Maggie’s problem. I’d deal with it when I had to.

  Wiping the tears from my cheeks, the ones that had silently escaped and slipped down my face, I couldn’t bring myself to look at Drew. I needed a hug. I wanted a hug. More than anything, I wanted a Drew hug. One where he held me tight and reassured me that everything would be all right in the end. That together we could survive anything. I wasn’t game enough to ask him, though. If he turned me down right now, I think I’d shatter.

  “Do you want to know where I was this afternoon? Why I’m home?” His voice had softened. Without risking a look, I nodded. “I went to the doctor today.”

  “Are you okay?” My head shot up. Being a disappointment and a failure in Drew’s eyes was one thing, but I’d die if there was something wrong with him. I hadn’t even noticed he’d been sick. What sort of self-absorbed arsehole doesn’t even notice their own husband isn’t well?

  “I’ve been having tests done.” My heart sank at his words. Tests meant they were looking for something. Tests never meant everything was okay. Gulping, I was surprised how dry my mouth was. “I went to get the results.”

  “Okay.” I had no idea what to say. Did I even want to know what they’d found out? Absolutely. Was I afraid of the answer? Fucking petrified was probably more accurate.

  Drew pushed on. “Everything seems to be okay. My blood pressure, cholesterol, iron all look fine. So, they’ve referred me to a specialist.”

  “Specialist? What the fuck is going on, Drew?” The mention of the word specialist had me breaking out in a sweat.

  Maybe it was the harshness in my words or perhaps it was my snappy tone, but without a word, Drew came and sat beside me. Taking my hands in his, immediately I felt a calmness wash over me. Despite the heavy conversation hanging over our heads, just feeling the warmth of Drew’s hands in mine gave me enough comfort to help me breathe.

  “I have a… a low sperm count, Maggie.”

  “Oh.” That’s not what I was expecting. It was the exact opposite of what I was expecting actually. Running through my head were scenarios like cancer and death.

  “They’ve done a couple of different tests and it’s not so much the count that’s low, but what’s there is lazy I guess is the best way to put it.”

  At first, I thought Drew had come over to support me as I fell apart, but as he went on, I realised he wasn’t reaching out to hold me together, he was clinging to me in hopes I could hold him together.

  “It will be okay.” As I said it, I knew I meant every word. Somehow, I wasn’t sure how, I knew we’d find a way. It might take a while, but not for one second did I doubt it.

  “It’s my fault we can’t have a family.” Drew barely got the words out before he dissolved into a sobbing mess.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  MAGGIE

  PRESENT DAY

  Thankfully the phone stopped ringing and silence once again settled across the room. I was freezing. My toes, although buried in my boots and thick socks, still felt like they were about to drop off. My teeth were chattering and my fingers trembling. When a knock on the door interrupted my silence, I prayed they’d get bored and leave me alone to wallow in my misery. Today was not my day. Adulting was just too hard. Instead another heavy knock rattled the door.

  “Maggie? Maggie, is everything all right in there?”

  The thought crossed my mind to keep silent. If I didn’t answer maybe they’d forget about me and go away.

  “Maggie? It’s just Darrell. I’m just checking in to see if you still wanted to go out tonight.”

  My pulse skyrocketed at his words. He made it sound like a date. It wasn’t a date. It couldn’t be a date. I was a married woman. I didn’t date. But now, everything had changed. I guess I would have to dip my toe back into the dating pool at some point. Especially to avoid becoming one of those crazy cat ladies, living in a tiny little shoebox apartment, filled with ceramic plates immortalising the English royal family with crochet doilies while my seven cats lazed around in the sun and treated me like I was their slave.

  Terrified of my inevitable future, I found my feet, unwrapped the blanket from around me and shuffled towards the door. I cracked it open just enough to poke my head through the gap. Standing there dressed head to toe in khaki was Darrell. He had heavy boots on and in his hand was what looked like a dark green rain jacket.

  “Hey,” I said pathetically as his eyes widened with surprise.

  “I’m glad you’re okay.” Darrell smiled a genuine smile – at least I chose to believe it was genuine and, strangely, I didn’t feel as miserable. Maybe someone out there actually did care. It sparked hope inside me. A strange sensation since I’d all but convinced myself I had none.

  “Yeah, I’m okay,” I lied. I was so far from okay I could barely remember what okay actually looked like
. But that wasn’t Darrell’s problem.

  “Just wanted to check. You seemed so excited to get out there before and then when you didn’t show… well, I hope I didn’t scare you off.” Darrell shifted his weight as he rocked nervously back and forth.

  “No! No! Not at all.”

  “Thank god for that! I’d hate myself if you came all this way to see a rhino and I ruined it for you.”

  “Elephant.”

  “Pardon?”

  “You said if I came all this way to see a rhino. But I wanted to see an elephant.”

  “Right. They’re amazing creatures.”

  “They’re beautiful.”

  “That they are. So, how ‘bout it?”

  “How ‘bout what?”

  “How ‘bout we go see if we can find you your elephant?”

  Glancing down at my sock-covered toes, I weighed up my options. Stay here all night in my room, alone, wondering where I went wrong and what I did to deserve this, or, grab my life by the balls, go out and try something new. I’d never been adventurous before, but I felt like if I was ever going to jump, now seemed like as good of a time as any. What did I have to lose?

  “Aren’t I too late?”

  Rubbing his chin thoughtfully, Darrell paused causing my freak out tendencies to start bubbling again. I seriously needed to see a doctor. It couldn’t be healthy to be this on edge all the time. Surely there was something they could do to ease my anxiety. The way I was going I was going to give myself a heart attack. “Hmm, I did say that, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah,” I confirmed ruefully.

  “Well, looks like it might be your lucky day, Maggie.”

  “I don’t have lucky days.”

  “Well today it is. Considering I’m the chauffer, leader of the expedition, caterer, bartender, history buff and David Attenborough wannabe and I’m standing at your door, I’d say you’re sweet.”