Broken Dreams Boxset
Page 27
“What do you mean what’s wrong now?”
“Exactly that. What’s wrong with you now? You asked me a question. A pretty direct question actually, and I answered. Honestly, I might add. You might not have liked my answer but I refuse to apologise for it.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“No. You’re not. You’re not asking me for anything, are you?”
“What should I be asking you for?”
“I don’t know, Maggie. What is it you want? What do you want me to say? Do you want me to lie to you?”
“No. Never. Why would I ever want to hear lies?”
“Because they’re easier.”
“Easier for who?”
“You, Maggie. Lies are easier for you. Do you think I didn’t see your face just now? You asked me a question and then when I answered you, an answer you obviously weren’t expecting or ready to deal with, you froze.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“I’m not saying you did. But the fact that you pulled away… Look at us. You standing on the other side of the room tells me there’s a bigger issue here. You promised you’d talk to me. That you’d stop running. So why are you?”
“Why am I what?” Drew’s barrage of questions was confusing the fuck out of me. I could barely figure out where I stood with the first one, when his next would smack me up the side of the head. It was no wonder my headache was returning with a fury.
“Why are you running, Maggie?”
“I’m not.”
I was standing there. My feet weren’t moving so why was he accusing me of running? I was confused. Not that it was hard at this point, it was just annoying.
“Bullshit! Look at you! You’re basically cowering in the corner, so afraid of feeling. Afraid of the truth.”
He was right. And I hated that he was. In the moment it mattered the most, the moment when I needed to stand up and get everything off my chest, I was failing. Flailing.
“Come on, Maggie. Got something to say, let’s hear it. What are you so afraid of?”
Drew was baiting me and, even though I knew exactly what he was doing, it was working. Working too fucking well if I was being honest.
“Drew! Just stop. Can you just shut up for a second? Can you do that for me? Please?”
He opened his mouth to reply, but it snapped shut without a word. Instead, he folded his arms over his chest. I don’t know if he was doing it to protect himself or prepare for battle. I could feel the sweat gathering under my arms as panic crept up on me again.
“You want to know why I’m running? Why the thing that sounds the most appealing to me right now is escaping out the door, getting in the car and driving until I can breathe again? You really want to know?”
I dangled the carrot out there, hoping and praying like hell he wouldn’t take it. If he didn’t, it’d buy me more time. If he did, I couldn’t avoid this truck any longer. The problem was I knew what I was about to say was going to hurt. It was going to hurt Drew. Hurt him in a way I’d never be able to undo. Hurt him in a way I’d never be able to apologise enough for. But it was more than that. It was going to tear what was left of my own heart to shreds. If I survived this, if Drew survived it, hell, if we survived, I was certain we could survive pretty much anything life could throw at us.
“Absolutely.” Although he was steadfast in his reply, I watched as he changed his stance, spreading his legs and locking his knees. He looked as though he was preparing to be crash tackled through the wall. I guess in a way he was.
“Drew, less than a month ago you told me you didn’t love me. You asked for a divorce. You asked me, then you got in your car and went to work like it was nothing. You left me standing there, broken and bruised and you didn’t even look back. I watched you, Drew. I watched you back out of the driveway and drive away without even glancing in the rear vision mirror like it meant nothing. Like I meant nothing to you.”
“That’s not entirely true.”
I lifted my hand and silenced him. If he wanted to hear what I had to say, if he was going to push and bully me into spitting it out, well he could stand there, shut up and take every hit I had to land. “For a long time, I’ve been a mess. And I know that. I was broken. In so many ways. I felt like I’d been failing you for years. I couldn’t give you the life we’d planned together. The life we’d wanted. For years I’ve been waiting for you to walk away. And you didn’t. So, I kept quiet and kept going along with the program thinking that maybe if I gave you everything you wanted, gave you everything I had, it would somehow be enough. I would somehow be enough. That it would make up for the huge gaping hole in our lives. Anything you wanted, I made sure you had it. You wanted to go somewhere; we went. Even when we couldn’t afford it, I juggled and scrimped and saved to make sure you got what you wanted. And it still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”
I felt like I was going to be sick. Or faint. So many of these feelings, so many realities I’d been carrying around keeping to myself for so long and now I was purging. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stop. At least not until we were both left stripped bare. If we were able to stand when all was said and done, then maybe, just maybe, we stood half a chance.
“I loved you, Drew. More than anything in this world, I loved you. And I wanted to make you happy. And I hate that I couldn’t. I hate that I let you down and disappointed you.”
My whole body was shaking. Tears were streaming down my face and I was sniffing. I must have looked like an absolute disaster. But then again, I deserved to. I felt like one. And what’s worse was, I felt like I’d just dumped all my shit on Drew. Years of pent-up emotions and thoughts were pouring out of me like a torrent and he was standing smack bang in the middle of the river getting smashed by tsunami-sized waves.
“You deserve more than I can give. I deserve more. And when you asked for the divorce, probably even before that, I was waiting for it. I’d been waiting for it. I didn’t want to admit it, fuck I still don’t but I knew it was coming. I’d been expecting it for months. Years probably. I was just waiting for you to rip the Band-Aid off.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? Rip the Band-Aid off? You’re comparing our marriage to a fucking dirty Band-Aid?” Drew exploded. His whole face was red and full of fury. With his arms dangling at his sides, I could see the white knuckles as he clenched his fists. I wasn’t worried he was about to throw a punch in my direction. Physical violence wasn’t something I’d ever worried about with Drew, but unfortunately, I knew he didn’t need his fists to break me. A few choice words were all it would take for him to reduce me to the broken, bleeding mess I deserved to be.
“Did you even listen to a word of that dribble you were just spouting, Maggie?”
I looked at him like he’d grown a second head. Obviously, yet again I’d chosen the wrong reaction. Taking another step backwards, I hit the wall. Even though I didn’t want to look small or like I was cowering, the truth was if I didn’t sit my arse down there was a better than good chance my wobbly legs were going to go out from under me and I’d end up splattered on the floor. Sliding down the wall, I forced myself to keep my eyes locked with Drew’s.
“Don’t be mean, Drew.” I know it was pathetic and it came out breathy and whiny but it was better than nothing.
“That’s all you’ve got to say is it? Don’t be mean?”
DREW
I wanted to explode. Hit something. Put my fist through a wall. Or kick a hole in the door. Anything to get this burning rage out of my system. I was barely keeping it in check. As much as the words Maggie was spewing were cutting me, tossing them back at her wasn’t going to get us anywhere. When she’d started talking, it didn’t take me long to realise this was something she’d been holding in for a long time. It was no wonder she’d withdrawn not only from me, but from the world. She was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and taking every single thought and emotion she’d ever had and hoarding them away in a box with the lid taped down.
The problem was, I’d just ripped off the tape and now everything was coming out in one painful tear.
But as bad as I was feeling, one look at Maggie and I knew she was in worse shape. When she’d slid down the wall, I’d almost thrown up. She had gone pale, and I could see the sweat beading on her top lip. She was shaking and when her butt hit the concrete, she probably didn’t even realise she’d reached down and placed her palms flat against the floor. As much as I wanted to push, needed to push, I had to measure my words.
The problem was, we couldn’t keep having these conversations. Going around in a circle wasn’t getting us anywhere. All it did was make us dizzy. They were too much for both of us. But they were conversations we needed to have. Conversations we should’ve already had. Many times over. Would it have been easier to break the hurt down into bite-sized chunks and try to digest one issue at a time? Abso-fucking-lutely. Did we have that option? Unfortunately not. I could see the toll all this was taking on Maggie, the sooner we got it over and done with, the sooner she could go back to being the bouncing, beautiful woman I once knew. The woman who stole my heart. The one, who made me realise what it meant to be a man. Who made me want to be a better man.
Making sure I left some space between us, I crouched down to eye level. “Maggie. I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now but you need to.” I saw the panic in her eyes, and just seeing it there caused my heart to race. This was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. There was no other way to describe it.
Sucking in a deep breath, all I could do was pray this came out right. I knew I was only going to get one chance to make her hear me. Not just listen to what I was saying but really hear the words and take it in.
“Firstly, asking you for a divorce was a mistake. A fucking huge one, but it was a mistake. As for what you think you know—after I left here—you think I drove away and didn’t look back. Didn’t worry about you. Didn’t feel anything. Maggie, I felt everything. I made it as far as the corner before I pulled over and opened the door and threw up all over the road. I only drove off when the nosy bitch from number forty-two came out and headed towards me.”
“Oh. I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. And I didn’t tell you. I never got the chance. You were gone before I even made it home.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“Understand what?”
“If you loved me like you said you did, If you regretted it the moment you walked out the door, Why’d you do it?”
That was the question I didn’t want to answer. I’d happily admit that I was a tool for what I’d done. I’d apologise for the rest of our lives if that’s what she needed. But telling her why, I’d give up everything to avoid.
“No, Maggie, I didn’t say I loved you.”
“But I thought…”
I didn’t give her time to let the tears that were teetering on the edge of her eyelashes fall before I cut off her line of thinking. There had been enough misconceptions and misinterpreted words in the past couple of years. I refused for this to be yet another one.
“I didn’t say I loved you, Maggie. I said, I love you. Present tense. You’re the love of my life. You make my life better. You make me better. Having you standing beside me as my partner, my lover, my best friend and my wife just makes everything make sense. I love you. I never stopped.” She went to argue, but it was my turn to talk. She’d had her turn, now she had to listen. “I’m not going to lie. The past couple of years have been hard. And they’ve hurt like a mother fucker. And there were so many times I should’ve told you what you meant to me, but I’d been too dumb and stubborn and instead I’d said nothing. But it nearly cost me everything. It nearly cost me you. We got lost. And I know why and I know how and I know so much of it was my fault, but that’s all behind us now. At least it can be. If you want it to be.”
“Oh.”
For a few minutes I let Maggie sit quietly digesting everything I’d dumped on her. I needed a minute to catch my breath if I was being honest. I’d just stripped myself completely bare and offered up my battered heart on a platter. Now, all I could do was wait to see if Maggie stood up, stomped on it and ran out the door. Or if she accepted it and treasured it like she’d done for so long. Far longer than I deserved.
Somewhere in the house, a phone rang. Maggie and I exchanged glances but neither of us made a move to answer it. I took it for a good sign. Maybe I was reaching, but I was desperate. I was going to cling to whatever the hell I had to if it was going to get me through these next couple of seconds or minutes or hours or however long it took. We had to fix this. There was no other option. None that I was open to anyway. I’d tried walking away. I’d really tried, but in the end it almost destroyed us both.
When Maggie spoke, it was so softly that I almost missed it. Almost. Thank fuck I didn’t. “You know we can’t go back.”
“I know. And I don’t want to.”
“You don’t?”
“Maggie, sweetheart, we’ve been through hell and somehow we’re both still standing. Sure, we’ve seen better days. We’re both a little broken and battered, but somehow, we’ve come out the other side. But going through this has made you stronger. Made me stronger. Made us stronger. The only decision we need to make is if we want to be stronger apart. Or we want to be stronger together.” I almost choked on my words. Fuck did I need a scotch right now. Maybe a whole bottle. Yeah, the whole bottle would help.
“I can’t… I can’t…”
“You can’t what, sweetheart?”
“I can’t make that decision, Drew.” Maggie was taking short, sharp breaths, and it was worrying the shit out of me. There was too much heavy in the air. It was physically suffocating her.
“Sweetheart, only you can.”
“I can’t do it. You can’t ask me to. Drew. Please don’t ask me to.”
“Maggie, come here.” I pulled her into my lap and held her against me. I didn’t know if this would be the last time I’d ever hold her, but I knew, deep down in my heart that I never wanted to let her go. I would, if that’s what she chose, but she had to be the one to walk away. I couldn’t do it. Not again. I tried it once and failed spectacularly. I wasn’t about to attempt a second time.
When she was settled in my lap, I could feel her racing heart beating against my arm as I held her close. Leaning down, I kissed her temple and breathed her in. Her hair smelt like vanilla and home. I had everything I ever wanted, everything I needed in my arms right now. I just hoped Maggie felt the same.
By the time she moved back, my arse was numb. The cold had seeped through but I wasn’t about to complain. Maggie’s bony butt was digging into my thigh and her shoulder was wedged in my arm pit but I would’ve sat there forever if that’s how long it took.
Maggie shivered and I pushed her away slightly, just enough to be able to look into her eyes. I would’ve paid money to know what was going on inside her pretty little head. I was anxious to know what she was thinking. Did I have a chance? Was she going to give us a chance? Right now, I had no fucking idea.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
MAGGIE
I didn’t know what to do. What to say. How to feel. Drew was asking me, begging me for an answer and I wasn’t sure I had one to give him. My heart and my head were at war. Part of me thought I needed space to try and untangle the thoughts bouncing around my head, but with the warmth of Drew and his scent surrounding me, comforting me, there was nowhere else I wanted to be.
When the ringing of Drew’s phone came again, I expected him to want to answer it. Trying to wriggle out of his grip, his arm tightened around my waist like a steel band. I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
“Don’t you want to answer that?” I asked, shifting around so I could look at him.
“No.”
“But what if it’s work?”
“They’ll leave a message.”
“It could be important.”
“Not as important as you.”
Knocking him onto his back, Drew’s head hit the exposed concrete floor with a dull thud. His eyes went wide and I could tell he was confused with what I was up to. To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was doing but right now wasn’t for thinking. Shifting my weight, I straddled Drew’s waist before leaning down and crushing my lips against his.
If he was surprised by my intensity and take-charge attitude, something I’d never been known for, he tried not to show it. I ground down against the growing bulge in his pants. Drew moaned, and I took advantage plunging my tongue into his mouth. I kissed him with every pent-up emotion I’d been battling for years. Somehow Drew’s hands landed on my hips and pushed me even harder against him.
When I pulled back, desperate for air, I looked down into Drew’s face and saw the intense hunger there. He looked like a starving man eyeing off the juiciest steak on the menu. Lucky for me, I was the steak.
Drunk on power and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I trailed my hands teasingly down his chest. Beneath my fingers I could feel the warmth of his skin and the crazy beating of his heart. Dipping my head, I kissed his lips lightly but pulled back before Drew could deepen it. When I placed light kisses on his cheek and neck, I felt Drew squirm beneath me.
“Maggie…” My name falling breathlessly from his lips was the biggest turn on I’d ever heard. Like I needed any more encouragement.
Wriggling down his legs, I popped the button on his pants and Drew’s eyes went wide. When he reached up and cupped my cheek, everything came to a screeching halt. For a full moment neither of us moved or said a thing. In the cold, empty room, all you could hear was our heavy breathing.