Broken Dreams Boxset

by Rebecca Barber

  “Do you remember when Mummy was having Bianca?”

  “When you got fat?” she asked, with all the honesty only a child could possess.

  “Yes, when Mummy got fat. Well, Mummy is having another baby,” I told her. I needed to tell someone and Charli was going to find out eventually. “Would you like a little brother or sister?”

  “I already have a little sister.”

  “You might get another one.”

  Charli looked thoughtful. “No, thank you. I already have to share my toys with Bianca.”

  I hugged Charli tightly. She was so honest and straightforward. She really was the love of my life. Her beautiful blonde hair was wild and her pink pyjamas were all wrinkled. “I need to get dressed. Can you go see if Bianca is awake and I’ll be out in a minute to get you some breakfast. What do you feel like?”

  With her hands on her chin, Charli thought hard. “Pancakes,” she announced decidedly. Sometimes she was so much like Joel it was scary. Her decisiveness was a trait stolen straight from her father.

  “Okay, I’ll make pancakes,” I agreed, watching as Charli skipped happily out the door.

  Hurriedly I pulled on a pair of jeans and a shirt, taking the time to make sure all the marks were covered. I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone today, but I didn’t want to take the risk.

  Covered head to toe in pancake batter and sticky maple syrup, due to Charli’s insistence on flipping the pancakes herself and Bianca’s demands to pour her own maple syrup, I texted Adele and told her I wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t bring myself to call her. I knew she wouldn’t buy my feeble excuses. I would undoubtedly say something wrong and she’d appear from nowhere, ready to help.

  It was a full fifteen minutes before the phone buzzed to life, a record for Adele. I was trying to clean up Bianca’s sticky hands that she had already managed to run through her mousy brown curls.

  “Mum!” Charli squealed happily. “Can I answer the phone?”

  I already knew who it was. The only person who ever bothered to call during the day—Adele. “Yes, Charli,” I called back. I must have been too occupied trying to listen to Charli’s conversation that I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing. Bianca was now in tears. I had been wiping her face with a face washer and must have rubbed too hard. Now she was crying. I tried to soothe her but she just howled louder and louder.

  “Grandma, did you know that Mummy is going to have another baby?” I heard Charli ask excitedly. I didn’t know if I was glad I couldn’t hear Adele’s response or if I needed it. Scooping Bianca up in my arms, I forgot about her sticky fingers and rushed out to Charli. But I was too late. She was hanging the phone back up on the wall, as I came through the door.

  “Grandma’s coming over,” she called over her shoulder as she skipped down the hall happily.

  I didn’t bother to mask the defeated look that consumed my entire body. That was the last thing I needed today, but I knew calling Adele and telling her not to come over would only arouse her curiosity further. I’d just go put some makeup on and a long sleeve shirt to hide the red welts on my wrists and I’d survive. I didn’t have a choice.

  “Great!” I faked, watching as Charli sat down on the floor next to Bianca. “I have to clean up the kitchen before Grandma gets here. Charli, can you please go and get dressed and make sure Bianca gets dressed too?” I called after her.

  “Yes, Mummy,” she sang, breezing back into the kitchen. I watched with amusement as Charli picked Bianca up from under her arms and half dragged, half carried her towards the bedroom.

  I cleaned up as quickly as possible and checked on the girls. They were both dressed, albeit in mismatched clothes, and were playing happily on the floor. The Barbie bucket had already been up ended but they were playing quietly. Bianca was chewing on Barbie’s leg while Charli fought her awkward shaped body into a pair of pants. Taking advantage of their distraction I raced around the house and tried to get some jobs done. I threw a load of washing in the machine, wiped over the bathrooms, and picked up the toys from the family room floor. I was just boiling the kettle when Adele sauntered through the front door looking like she had just stepped from a magazine.

  “Gillian,” she sang whimsically.

  “In the kitchen,” I called back, taking the opportunity to wipe my face, take a deep breath, and adjust my sleeves.

  Before she was even in the room, Adele was asking, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “It’s only just been confirmed. I’m seven weeks. I only found out a couple of days ago. I only had the chance to tell Joel last night,” I admitted. I learnt long ago that there was no point lying to Adele, she always knew. I don’t know if it was a motherly instinct that she’d developed over the years or just a sixth sense when it came to Joel’s shortcomings.

  Adele hugged me tightly, stroking my hair as she did. Without knowing it, she’d touched my aching shoulders and squeezed my kidney bruise. I must’ve let out an involuntary gasp, causing her to jump back, still holding my hand.

  “What is it, dear?” she asked sweetly, sounding older than she was.

  Adele had soft, delicate features that were always looking their best. She was always perfectly manicured and pedicured. She enjoyed weekly facials and I had never seen her without her hair styled and makeup impeccable, not even when she had shown up at the hospital in the middle of the night to pick up Charli the night Bianca had been born.

  “No…no, it’s nothing, really. Just a bit squeamish, that’s all,” I lied.

  “Must be a boy, then!” she exclaimed happily. “You had barely any morning sickness with the girls. When are you due?”

  “Doctor says I’m due on October thirteenth.”

  “Libran, then.”

  It always amazed me how someone so prim and proper, someone who appeared at all the right functions and knew everyone there that was worth knowing, was so into star signs and astrology— something I neither knew nor cared much about.

  Without another word, I sprang up, ran down the hallway, leapt over Bianca halfway down the hall, and made it to the bathroom. Just. Afterwards, I clung to the toilet bowl, panting and sweating, my head resting on the cool porcelain. I was dizzy from dehydration and already exhausted. It wasn’t even lunch time yet.

  “Gillian, are you okay in there?” Adele called out through the door.

  “Fine, thanks. I’ll just be a minute,” I said, wiping my face with the back of my sleeve.

  “Can I get you anything?” she offered generously.

  I knew that if I asked for anything, Adele was just the sort of person who would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen. “I’m fine. I just need a second,” I replied, lifting my lethargic body from the floor.

  When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t like the person I saw staring back. Even after splashing cold water on my face I was still a ghastly shade of white. My eyes were outlined by dark, unhappy circles under my eyes. I pulled at my shirt and saw the marks on my shoulders. The nasty, dark, and definite finger marks that covered them. I could barely believe it, I was a battered wife.

  The doorbell rang unexpectedly and I felt myself jump. “Do you mind getting that for me?” I called out.

  “Absolutely,” Adele returned helpfully.

  I hurriedly adjusted my jumper, brushed my teeth, and hustled out the door. As I emerged from the hallway, I heard Charli squeal with delight, “Wow! They’re pretty! Who are they for, Grandma?”

  “They’re for your mum.”

  Intrigued, I sped up and made my way into the lounge room. As I walked towards the chaos, I saw Adele closing the door, a huge bunch of white oriental lilies in her arms. She looked up and saw me flashing a perfect smile.

  “Someone’s a lucky girl.” She smiled as she handed me the huge bouquet.

  I took the flowers, inhaled deeply before pulling the card from the middle. Turning it over in my hands, I forced myself to open it.

  Congratulations beautiful. I look forward to welcoming o
ur new baby into the world with you.

  Without hesitation I burst into tears, dropped the flowers on the tiles, and slunk to the floor. Silently Adele picked up the flowers and read the card. She finished reading and looked directly at me. “What the hell did he do this time?”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  GILLIAN

  After three gut-wrenching hours of tears and explanations, and a visit to the doctor to check on my bruises, I was exhausted and just wanted to collapse. But Adele wouldn’t hear a word of it. She kicked me out of my own house. She dropped two hundred dollars cash into my sweaty, shaky hand and told me to get out and relax.

  “It’s not about you, Gillian. I’m taking care of my newest grandchild. You, my dear,” she started, her hands on my cheeks, “you need to go out and have some time out. Forget everything that has happened and just go have a laugh. Go shopping. Go to the movies. Meet a friend for coffee. Do whatever it is you feel like; just go have some time for you.”

  “But the girls…”

  “I am quite capable of looking after my granddaughters for the afternoon. And I will deal with Joel when he gets home.” Her tone had an air of disgust about it.

  I’d never wanted to tell Adele what happened. And I definitely had no intentions of telling anyone else. But when she tried to help me up off the floor, she had seen not only the marks on my wrists but also the welt on my back. After that, any lie I even attempted she dismissed with a wave of her hand. And I caved.

  “I’ll be home before Joel gets here,” I said with as much determination as I could muster.

  “I’ll call him and get him home earlier. I need to have a very serious conversation with my son,” Adele declared.

  “Please Adele…please just leave it alone. I’ll talk to Joel when I see him. There is no need…”

  “No need! I raised my son better than that. He should never have laid a hand on you…”

  “I know. Adele, I know.” I tried to placate her. “But this is between Joel and me. We’ll work it out.”

  Sighing heavily and shaking her head with disappointment, she said, “Gillian, I’m his mother. And I will talk to him about this. But I don’t want you to worry about anything. Go! Relax! I’ll see you later this afternoon. Go! Enjoy yourself!” She smiled and gave me one final push out the door.

  Once I was outside, I was even more lost and confused than before. I stumbled towards the car, climbed in, and started to drive. I didn’t know where I was going, but the further I drove the more enraged and annoyed I became. I messaged Heidi to see if she had some spare time to catch up. School was almost finished for the day so she’d be done soon.

  I took myself up to Regatta Point and settled at an outside table overlooking the lake. The pimple- faced waiter managed to spill my water all over the leg of my pants. My day was going from bad to worse. After placing my order as quickly as I could I sent him away. I didn’t want him to see me cry. Dabbing at my eyes with the starched white napkin I realized how pathetic I had become. Crying in public. Ashamed of who I was. I ‘d become a stranger to my friends. And, more embarrassingly, a stranger to myself. I didn’t even know who I was anymore when I wasn’t being Charli and Bianca’s mum. Let alone what I liked.

  I sat there absentmindedly sipping my coffee. I was staring off into space when Heidi arrived.

  “Earth to Gillian!” she teased, easing herself into the chair opposite me.

  “Hi,” I said, absently pulling at my jumper, ensuring that my wrists were covered. I had no intention of telling Heidi what had happened with Joel. I just wanted to have an afternoon of escapism. “So, what’s going on?” she asked as the pimple- faced waiter reappeared and took her order before disappearing.

  “Not a lot. Adele’s babysitting for the afternoon and she kicked me out to have an afternoon off. So here I am.”

  “And here I am. It’s so good to see you, Gillian. It seems like forever since we got you to ourselves,” Heidi said honestly.

  I instantly felt guilty. I knew I had been neglecting my friendships but I couldn’t see any other way. By the time I looked after my girls, kept the house clean and organized, it seemed like I didn’t have time for anything else. With Joel working as much as he did, these days I was basically a single mother.

  “I’m so sorry, Heidi,” I began, feeling like I should be apologizing.

  “For what?”

  “For everything. Not being around. Not having time to be there, or go anywhere, or do anything. I feel like I’ve been neglecting everything and everyone,” I admitted painfully.

  “Don’t be silly, Gillian. We understand. You have two beautiful girls. Of course, they come first. And they should. Gillian, you’re a mum.”

  “But I don’t even know what’s going on with you these days…”

  “Of course, you do. I’m teaching kindergarten. I’m still seeing Rowan. We’ve been together about eighteen months. Other than that, nothing much has changed.”

  Heidi looked at me with wide sad eyes. I don’t know if she was disappointed that nothing had changed or maybe it was my own reflection that I could see was miserable. But there was something in her tone that made me think that Heidi knew exactly how I was feeling.

  Forcing my own dark thoughts from my mind, I encouraged, “How are things going with Rowan?”

  “Really good, I guess. We’ve had a few discussions about moving in together, but nothing ever seems to come of it. I think he likes the fact he can get away from me when he wants to. But we’re doing okay. Both working pretty hard, so we fight a bit because we’re tired all the time, but I’m sure you know all about being wiped out. How are the girls?” she deflected.

  I was impressed by her honesty. Heidi was obviously disappointed with her relationship, but hanging in there. I could tell that she wasn’t overly happy, but it was better than being alone.

  “The girls are good. They argue and fight, but we cope. Bianca is sleeping through the whole night in her own bed now, which is a blessing. For a while there, she wouldn’t sleep unless she was in our bed, but thankfully she’s back in hers now.” Focusing on Bianca and Charli kept me from saying anything about Joel.

  Sipping her decaf skim latte, Heidi looked like she wanted to say something, but instead drank her coffee. I recognized her avoidance, because it was something I did regularly.

  “Have you heard from the others? How are Rhiannon and her lecturer? That lasted longer than I would have guessed,” I asked, hoping for an afternoon of mindless gossip.

  “Well, I saw Rhiannon last week and she was going to move in with Luke in the next week or so. He left his wife. Can you believe it? Now that he’s no longer her teacher, their relationship no longer has to remain a secret. We’re even allowed to meet him, or so she says,” Heidi began excitedly.

  It was so much easier to talk about someone else’s life than admit what was wrong with your own.

  “That’s surprising. They have been together for ages and now, finally, we’re allowed to meet him. I was beginning to think she was embarrassed by us. It was either we embarrassed her or he was imaginary.” I laughed.

  “Nah, I think it was just the whole he could lose his job if anyone found out thing that kept it so hush hush.” Heidi laughed.

  She’d grown more beautiful as the years had passed. Together with her teaching and Girl Guide duties, Heidi spent a lot of time at the gym. She was the fittest person I knew and every year she was a serious competitor in the annual fun run around town. I could never work out how running could be fun, but for some unknown reason Heidi loved it.

  “Any news from Cora?” I asked nervously.

  Cora and I hadn’t spoken in almost twelve months. It had started as a silly argument that just never ended. I was tired; Bianca had colic and wouldn’t sleep. I had been running from doctor to specialist and back trying to find out why she wasn’t putting on weight and why no matter what I did the colic wouldn’t pass. Cora needed a favour and I simply couldn’t fit it in. Hurtful words were said and th
en life got in the way. After I calmed down, I had meant to call and apologize and make things right, but every time I went to, something else happened. Weeks became months and by then it was too far in the past, I rationalized. I knew it was stupid and I should just call and make it okay, but I couldn’t. I was embarrassed that it had taken too long.

  “I got an email from her last week. She’s living just north of Oxford working in a hotel. She lives in the attic there, rent free, so she’s pretty stoked with that. She works ten days on then four days off. It sounds like pretty much every time she gets a couple of days off she takes off somewhere for an adventure. She went to Ireland not that long ago and this weekend she was heading to Scotland for a couple of days.”

  “Sounds exciting,” I had to admit. Part of me was jealous. It would be such an adventure to travel around the world, seeing everything, trying anything.

  “Have you heard from her?”

  “No,” I said, unable to look Heidi in the eye. “You should email her. I’m sure she’d love

  to hear from you.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You can’t let this go on forever, Gillian. It’s already been going on way too long and it’s over nothing really. Just talk to her.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Don’t think. Just do it. It’s not worth it.”

  I didn’t say any more about it. I didn’t know what to say. Heidi was right. I was embarrassed. I should email Cora. Or call. Or text. Or something. She’d be the one I could talk to about what was going on with Joel without any repercussions. She wasn’t close enough to do anything or make it harder than it already was.

  “How are things with Joel?” Heidi asked at point blank range.

  I squirmed in my seat and downed what remained of my coffee. “Okay,” was all I offered. Again, I tugged at my sleeves.

  “Gillian?”

  I was caught. Heidi had seen through my pathetic attempt at lying. I signalled for the waiter and ordered another coffee and the largest slice of chocolate mud cake I could. “I’m pregnant again,” I blurted out as Heidi stared at me.