Broken Dreams Boxset

by Rebecca Barber

  The phone rang and rang, and I grew more and more impatient. When the answering machine picked up, I slammed down the phone, irritated. But I was determined. Instead of giving up, I dialled Mum’s mobile. But when that too went through to the answering service, I convinced myself that Mum was avoiding my calls.

  “Fuck, Mum!” I exclaimed, grabbing a cushion from the sofa and throwing it at the wall, knocking a picture off. I watched as the frame slid down the wall and the glass shattered into a million pieces. With a deep, satisfied snort, I grabbed my keys and took off. The destruction of something Gillian treasured felt good.

  When I arrived at Mum’s I could hear giggling and happiness. The kids, my kids, were definitely there. I rapped on the door ferociously.

  “Coming,” I heard Mum call out. A moment later Mum opened the door and was unable to hide the shock on her face. “Joel!” she exclaimed, stepping out the door before closing it behind her, standing in front of me.

  I found it strange that my own mother hadn’t even invited me into her house but instead stepped out on the front patio. “Hi, Mum,” I began, slightly off balance.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “I came to talk to my wife. And you weren’t answering your phones,” I said a little too harshly.

  “Joel, she’s not here.”

  “Don’t lie to me!”

  “She’s not here.”

  “I can hear them,” Joel waved his arms about animatedly.

  Shaking her head, Mum stepped backwards. She must’ve sensed the inevitable explosion building. “You can hear the kids. They’re here. They have been since they left your place. But Gillian isn’t. I promise you.”

  “Well, where the fuck is she?” I fumed.

  “Calm down,” Mum tried to placate me.

  “Don’t tell me to fucking calm down!” I barked nastily. “Tell me where my fucking wife is! She’s so pathetic to dump her kids on you and take off. And she has the audacity to call me irresponsible!”

  Sighing deeply, Mum shook her head. “Keep your voice down,” she hissed. “If you really think all that, Joel, you need more help than even I realized. First, those kids in there, they are your children as well, not just Gillian’s. And she didn’t dump them on me. I’m their grandmother and they needed me. Gillian’s still in the hospital. They haven’t let her out yet. Go home, Joel. Get some help. Don’t come near these kids until you have pulled your head out of your arse. They deserve better.”

  The words were barely out of her mouth before I was on her, grabbing her roughly and slamming her against the door. Mum squinted in pain as the door handle dug into her hip. “What makes you think you have the right to talk to me like that?” I seethed.

  I saw the fear in Mum’s eyes, only fuelling the feeling of all-consuming power and control. “Because I’m your mother,” she pronounced strongly.

  My eyes never wavered from Mum’s, and she held her own, refusing to back down or be afraid. When my grip didn’t loosen and nothing was said. “Joel Jacob Matthews. Let me go. I am your mother and this isn’t acceptable.” She scolded me like she had when I was five.

  “I want to see my kids,” I said, dropping her arms and stepping backwards.

  “Not today, Joel. Not like this. They need some time. Give them a chance to see that their mother is okay before you try to make things right,” she reasoned. Knowing she was probably right, I started walking away without another word. As I reached the top of the driveway Mum called out to me, still rubbing at her arms. “Joel! They’re doing okay. They’re good kids. They’re just scared.”

  With tears streaming down my face, I just stared at the ground and kept walking. Mum hadn’t known it, and I’d never tell her, but Charli’s tiny face had been pressed against the window the whole time. She’d witnessed the whole incident. It wasn’t until I was walking away that I’d seen her. I’d seen the fear in her eyes and I knew it was all my fault.

  I couldn’t even think straight. Everyone I knew had turned against me. My mother wouldn’t even speak to me until I got some so-called help. My daughter had dobbed me into the police. I wasn’t even able to get near the kids. And it was entirely Gillian’s fault. She’d done this. If she’d kept her big mouth shut then none of this would’ve happened. I knew I’d be having words with Gillian as soon as I could find her. But walking into the hospital to see her wasn’t really an option. I doubted I’d even get past reception. So instead I’d just have to wait until she got home and then we could talk.

  This mess would all end.

  Once and for all.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  GILLIAN

  As the clock struck seven, I was consumed with anxiety. I wanted to go home. I felt fine. I’d eaten the dreaded hospital food, now I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. Frustrated with waiting, I called for the nurse and asked her to prepare my discharge papers. Although she pleaded with me to just wait a little longer for the doctor to give me the final thumbs up, I couldn’t. The kids would be driving Adele crazy by now and I needed to get out of there. I didn’t belong in the hospital. A broken wrist wouldn’t keep me there.

  Just as I was adding my final signature to the pages stating I knew I was leaving the hospital against medical advice, the doctor appeared. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Matthews, I was unexpectedly delayed. I see you’re leaving us.” He nodded, noticing the forms in front of me.

  “I feel fine and I have three kids I need to get back to,” was all I offered in way of explanation.

  “Well, since you’re already leaving and dressed, do you mind if I just give you a quick check before you head off? I promise five minutes, tops!” He held his hand up in a mock salute.

  Dropping my handbag back on the bed, I agreed. Moments later he was checking my pulse, blood pressure, and taking another look at the hand prints on my neck. Now the bruising had settled it looked worse than it had. The marks had obviously been made by a someone’s hand. You could see where each of Joel’s fingers had dug in. I felt myself wiggling away from his grasp as he touched them with his cold fingers.

  “Have you given any more thought to speaking with someone?” he probed.

  Although I knew it was his job, I suddenly felt suffocated. Joel was my problem and I didn’t want to discuss it. Not with him and certainly not with anyone I didn’t even know. My face flushed. “No. I have my family,” I offered curtly hoping that was the end of the conversation. Both the young doctor checking me over and I knew I’d never talk about it with anyone, but he stopped pushing the point.

  “Okay, Mrs. Matthews. You can go home. Your blood pressure is a little higher than I’d like, but that is to be expected under the circumstances. Please take it easy and I’ll see you in six weeks to have a look at that wrist and remove your cast.”

  As quickly as I could I jumped off the bed and scooped up my things. “Thank you,” I said.

  “Gillian!” he called behind me. “I don’t want to see you back here before that. Be careful. Please.” He smiled a sad, knowing smile.

  I stepped into the corridor and unexpectedly, I felt scared and alone. There was no one there to take me home. No one there who loved me. No one there who cared. But it was my own fault, and I knew it. I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving. Rhiannon had left messages asking me to call her as soon as I knew something. And Adele had told me that they’d come and get me, but it was late and I knew she’d have her hands full getting the kids fed and ready for bed and I didn’t want to make it any more chaotic for her than it already was. Besides, I had a stop to make first.

  This thing with Joel was going to end, and end now. One of us had to go. It was destroying our children. I couldn’t shake the picture of Charli trembling in my lap as she blamed herself for what we’d become. It wasn’t right. No child should ever feel responsible for this mess.

  As I emerged from the hospital and sucked in the fresh air I felt better. The air inside tasted stale and sterilized. The smell was consuming, and once it wa
s in your head you couldn’t shake it. Everything smelt the same, a mixture of disinfectant and sadness. In the distance I could hear the wail of the sirens, another sad soul being brought in. Shaking the thoughts from my head and forcing myself to concentrate on the problems I could fix, I jumped in a taxi and headed home. I didn’t know if Joel would be there when I got there but I’d wait for him. No matter how long it took, I’d wait. It was time.

  During the drive home I sat in the back of the taxi psyching myself up. I’d convince myself that I was doing the right thing, that I would be okay and that nothing could hurt me. If I admitted the truth, the reality was very different. Everything could hurt me. Joel could hurt me. Joel could kill me. Then the fears would creep in. The voices in my head telling me that I was stupid and reminding me that I’d just been released from the hospital, where Joel had put me, and here I was, going back for more. How brainless could I possibly be? But if this is what I needed to do to put a stop to it, then that’s what I’d do. It wasn’t a choice.

  “Are you all right, miss?” the taxi driver asked politely as I handed him a fistful of notes. “You’re very pale.”

  “Um, yes. Sure. Thanks,” I mumbled incoherently, pushing open the door and climbing out of the backseat. Embarrassed, I stood frozen on the spot, staring up at the house. It took me a full five minutes once the taxi had disappeared out of view to put one foot in front of the other and make progress toward the building which had once felt like home.

  My fear was paralysing, but I pushed through it. I had to. My family was depending on me. Step by step I made my way to the front door and with trepidation I turned the handle and pushed it open, not knowing what was waiting for me on the other side. My breath caught on nothing at all. But then, from somewhere unexpected, I was filled with strength and confidence. Maybe it was the sight of Bianca’s drawing stuck to the fridge or Charli’s book on the coffee table or the line of matchbox cars reaching around the dining room table. Whatever happened next wasn’t for me. It was for them. They’d never come back to this house until this was resolved.

  With my nerves on edge, I summoned all my strength and called out, “Joel, are you here?”

  I could hear clattering in his bedroom and then there he was. His hand on his hips, anger on his face. He wasn’t going to make this easy. Joel was ready for a fight.

  “Been having fun?” he sneered, leaning on the door frame.

  Then, unpredictably, I was over it. I was so sick of being afraid and not saying what needed to be said, so I found my balls, summoned every bit of strength I possessed and did something I should’ve done years ago. I fought back. “Yeah, the hospital’s a great place to hang out. You should try it.”

  “Whatever,” he stated dismissively.

  “Don’t whatever me, Joel. This needs to end. Unless you’re going to start treating us all, not just me, but the kids too, like we’re not something you stepped in in your fancy Italian shoes, just get out. Just leave. We don’t need you. You just make everyone miserable.”

  I think Joel was shocked by my comments. I didn’t mince my words. “Is that right?”

  “Yes, Joel. No one wants you here.”

  “It’s my house, remember?”

  “No. It’s our house. It’s the house we were going to raise our family in. You do remember that those kids are your family, don’t you?”

  Shaking his head, Joel began to move towards me. Inside my head was screaming, telling me to back away and just get out of there. No one knew where I was. I had no back up.

  “This isn’t the life we planned.”

  “No, it’s not,” I admitted. “But it’s the one we got. Grow up, Joel. Be a man. Just get out and leave us alone. You don’t want to be here, so just go.” I was impressed at how stable my voice was. Outwardly I was projecting a calm demeanour, inside I was squirming.

  “Do you know what it’s like to wake up with two police officers standing over you wanting to interview you because your wife is in the hospital? I had no idea that you were even in there or that you’d big mouthed to the police,” he snarled, stepping ever closer.

  “Where else was I going to go, Joel? You broke my wrist,” I stated, waving my cast in his face to prove it.

  Another step. “Well, you could’ve at least kept your big mouth shut.”

  I wanted to scream that I hadn’t said anything, but I didn’t want him to know that it was Charli. I would rather him hate me for it and take it out on me than blame her. As long as Joel believed that I was the one who had blabbed, Charli was safe. And that was more important than anything. So, I said nothing.

  “What? Don’t you have anything to say, Gillian?” The way he said my name made my skin crawl. I could hear the venom in his voice and see the pure resentment written all over his face.

  “What do you want me to say, Joel? Tell me, what is it you want to hear?” I invited.

  With temptation dancing in his eyes, Joel was swiftly on me, his breath on my face. “Tell me the fucking truth for once, if you even know what that is. Why’d you use Charli to go to the police for you? Can’t you even do your own dirty work? Are you that gutless?”

  With Joel hovering over me I couldn’t help it, I stepped back. My hand shot up and covered my mouth. He knew. I hadn’t said anything, I didn’t need to. He knew that it had been Charli. I was so afraid for her. When furious, Joel was capable of anything. I wanted to get out of there as quick as I could. I’d been a thoughtless idiot. I should never have come here. All I wanted to do was check on Charli and make sure she was okay.

  “But who…?” I murmured.

  “Oh, you didn’t know that? Or did you know but just didn’t want me to? Yes, Gillian, I know all about it. How my own darling daughter ran to the police and blabbed. I know how you brainwashed her and told her all the things I’d done, but somehow you came out of it all sweet and innocent. She thinks you’re a saint. Yet I am a monster. How fucking delusional is she? What have you done to her? You’ve made her just like you. I bet you’re real proud,” he asked, mocking me.

  I was visibly shaking now. The way he was speaking about his own daughter made me cringe with fear. Then, with a picture of Charli in my head, dressed in her favourite flannelette pyjamas, I was strong again. This time I stepped towards Joel, squaring up my shoulders and holding my own.

  “Joel, you are a monster,” I informed him. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe she got so tired of seeing her mother being beaten? She got tried of everyone cowering around the house? They’re so afraid of you they didn’t want to flush the toilet in case it was too loud that it upset you? She’s had enough. Charli’s a smart girl. And yes, I’m proud of her. She’s stronger than I’ve ever been. And she did something I should’ve a long time ago. She told someone who could help us. She went to the police.”

  As the words came out, Joel’s hand collided with my cheek. An explosion of pain radiated across my cheek. “Why be a smart ass, Gillian? Do you deliberately try to piss me off?” he asked with a sly, satisfied smile on his face.

  “Why hit me? Seriously? You asked for the truth, so here it is, Joel. Everyone in this family hates you. Your own children are terrified of you. You’re not a father or a husband. And you’re not the man I married. If he were still here, we wouldn’t be standing here like this. We’d be happy. But that man, the one I fell in love with, he left. A long time ago. Now it’s too late. Even if he does come back, I don’t want to know about it. Just go. Just get out. Out of the house and out of our lives. We don’t want a thing from you. Just leave us be.” And there it was. I said what I’d come to say. The words I’d held in for a long time were out there now. And as nervous as I was about what would come next, I felt relieved. No more hiding. I should’ve turned and left. But I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. The next slap I didn’t even see coming. Joel just stared into my defiant eyes, not wavering. Not saying a word. Then his hand connected with my face and I stumbled backwards. Grabbing hold of the armchair as I f
ell, I managed to somehow stay on my feet.

  Just. My lip had been split and I could taste the salty blood as it seeped into my mouth. Dabbing at it gently, I pulled myself together. Yet another mistake I made.

  Just as I steadied myself again, Joel landed a punch to my stomach. This time I hit the floor with a thud. Gasping for breath, Joel hovered over me. “You think you’re better than me,” he growled. His voice was filled with bitterness. “You were nothing when I found you. I made you. You think you can be anything without me? You’re dumber than even I thought.”

  Grabbing a handful of my hair he yanked me to my feet with it. I wanted to scream out in pain but there was no use. No one would hear me. I knew this was only the beginning. Standing face to face, Joel had one hand holding me by the shoulder and the other on my chin, forcing me to meet his eye. “I deserve better than you. You are nothing but trash, Gillian. A stupid, pathetic girl who is too dumb to even work contraception properly. It’s not rocket science, you know.” Another punch to the stomach and I went down like a sack of potatoes.

  Lying on the floor wheezing, I looked up and saw someone I once loved who was now barely recognizable. Gone was the charismatic, charming man who’d won my heart, and in his place was this lost, lonely little boy. Joel had no idea who he was anymore, or where he belonged. And for the first time I accepted that I couldn’t help him. For years I watched him struggle with that reality and remained silent. But now, enough was enough. If I survived today, if tomorrow I was still able to walk and talk and breathe, I’d give up waiting for him to come back to me. It was heartbreaking and gut-wrenching to accept, but as he reached for me again, I knew it was all I had left that I could do.

  “Get up!” he boomed, completely dominating me.

  With all the strength I could conjure, I pushed myself up. The pain killers they dosed me up with at the hospital had begun to wear off and everything hurt. My face was stinging, I was parched from the lack of oxygen, and I could still taste the salty blood on my tongue.