Thai- Troubled

by Heather Mar-Gerrison

  All I had to do now was find him and tell him…

  Chapter 10 – Falling in love…

  Quentin

  Oh, my God. What was I doing with my life? I was falling in love. I knew it but I didn’t know how to deal with it. This was such a mistake. What was wrong with me? Why did I have to go and fall in love with the dancer, Thai?

  A little voice in the back of my mind reminded me that it was because he was gorgeous and kind and loving and that he was the first person in my life to make me feel wanted… and I couldn’t deny it – the sex was incredible – not that I should really dwell on that… but it was hard not to when I could still feel it.

  I had to see him – but it would have to wait until tonight – after I’d seen Arthur. I had to tell him – I had to confess…

  I pulled out my headphones and put them on my head. I scrolled through my songs until I found the one I’d been looking for and pressed play.

  I smiled as the familiar unusual start to the song started before it launched into the achingly familiar beginning. God, I loved the Pet Shop Boys – and ‘Opportunities’ still sent shivers down my spine.

  They’d been Mum’s favourite band – she always said she’d first spotted Dad in a nightclub dancing to this song, which had always made me wonder if he’d been as straight as she’d assumed… Who knows? He didn’t live long enough to know. He’d died of a brain haemorrhage when I was only a few months old. He’d been playing football one Sunday morning with the lads. He’d gone in for a tackle against a bigger guy on the other team and they’d clashed heavily. He’d been knocked out but instead of going to the hospital, he’d been brought around and had carried on playing. He died later the same day. I wondered sometimes if they’d still be together if he’d lived…

  “This song’s from nineteen-eighty-six,” I exclaimed, reading the details from the inside cover of the CD box, “hang on a minute – this song must be twenty-odd years old.” I frowned at Mum as I looked up the origins of the song – something I was always doing. “How come it’s one of your favourites?” Surely, she should have been into nineties stuff?

  She smiled, “I know – it was an eighties themed club – all they played was eighties music, Madonna, Go West, Pet Shop Boys, Janet Jackson – you name it, they had it.”

  I smiled, “And this is your all-time favourite?”

  She grinned, “And this is my all-time favourite, favourite.” she confirmed.

  I smiled as I remembered the conversation. Life had been so easy back then – before Michael came into our lives with his homophobic tendencies and his massive fists that could knock seven shades of shit out of me…

  I shuddered as I remembered the last time he’d beaten me up before I’d finally got the courage to leave.

  He snatched the headphones off my head, “What’s the little faggot been listening to this time?” He sneered.

  I swallowed hard. I hated being called a faggot. It was only a word but it was still horrible. “Nothing.” I muttered, trying and failing to switch it off before he could listen. I wasn’t fast enough.

  “Fucking hell,” he sneered, “I might have known.”

  He threw my headphones at the wall and I watched them explode apart in dismay. I’d saved all my birthday money for those and everyone at 6th form had been really impressed with them when I’d turned up on my first day back. The bastard.

  In that moment I hated Michael more than I’d ever hated anyone before in my whole life. I didn’t even think about it. I lunged across the room and punched him in the side of the head as hard as I could.

  He collapsed in front of me, out cold.

  I panicked. Oh, fuck. Had I killed him?

  I didn’t stop to check if he was breathing. I just grabbed my phone, my wallet and my jacket and I ran.

  It had taken days before I’d plucked up the courage to tell Arthur what I’d done weeks before he found me.

  “You hit him?” he asked, his eyebrows raised, “So, what? Sounds to me like he deserved it.”

  I nodded, “Yes, but…I didn’t check if he was okay before I ran for it.”

  Arthur nodded, “Well, since there are no wanted posters around and I haven’t seen your mug shot on any of the news channels, I think it would be safe to say he’s still, sadly, alive and kicking. But how about I call your mother and check?”

  My heart lifted, “You’d do that for me?”

  He smiled and nodded, “Of course.”

  So, Arthur made the call, assured my mother that I was safe and well – and checked that Michael was still alive. He was. Sadly…

  I shook myself. I hated thinking about Mum. Thinking about her was depressing. She’d never stood up for me. I was her only son and yet she’d allowed that bully of a boyfriend to erase me from her life.

  Arthur said it was that she was probably too scared of him to defend me. I just hoped with time she would see Michael for what he was and would leave him. Since she still hadn’t contacted me, I had to assume that she hadn’t yet seen the light – and likely never would…

  I headed for the hospital. I was scared by what I was going to find. Kenneth said he was a little brighter – but very weak. He warned me not to get my hopes up that he’d get any better. The prognosis wasn’t good.

  “But what if they’ve got it wrong?” I insisted.

  Kenneth sighed and shook his head, “His kidneys are failing, as is his heart.” He said gently, “Let him go, Quentin. He’s lived a good life and he’s tired.”

  Two fat tears leaked out of my eyes and dripped down my cheeks. “But I’m not ready to let him go.” I whispered.

  Kenneth sighed and shook his head, “None of us are, sweetheart.” He said, putting his arms around me and giving me a quick hug before we set off to see him, “But let us not show him how upset we are. We don’t want to upset him unnecessarily, do we?”

  I shrugged. What difference did it make? He was dying and I was heartbroken.

  Still. By the time I got to the hospital, I’d pulled myself together and was able to walk into his room without showing how broken I was feeling.

  I smiled as our eyes met. “Hi, Arthur.”

  His eyes crinkled at the corners, “Quentin, my beautiful boy.”

  I laughed, “I’m not a boy anymore, Arthur,” I said as I sat down in the chair next to him and took his hand in mine, “You never did notice that I’d actually grown into a man.”

  Arthur smiled, “You’re absolutely right, my beautiful boy. I didn’t. I was so afraid of overstepping the mark... of being inappropriate and being thought of as a pervert – that I neglected to realise that you needed my love. I’m so damned sorry.”

  My heart was torn in two, “So you did find me attractive?” Yes, it was self-indulgent but I had to know.

  He nodded, “Your beauty is incomparable, my darling.” He whispered, “You’re utterly perfect. But not for me. Not now. You need to find real love.”

  I shot of out my chair and awkwardly half sat/half lay down on the bed next to him. Clinging to him, I allowed the tears to fall, “I already did.” I cried, my heart feeling as if it was splintering, “I’ve only ever wanted you.” It might not actually be entirely true anymore. I had feelings for Thai that I could not deny – but until I’d met him, Arthur had been my whole world.

  He stroked my hair, “I’m dying, Quentin. You’re so young – you have your whole life ahead of you – you need to live it.”

  “I’m not sure I want to live without you.” I mumbled.

  Quentin chuckled, “I’m quite sure that isn’t really true.” He said, “What about your beautiful dancer?”

  I froze. Dancer? He was talking about Thai? How the fuck did Arthur know about him?

  But then I remembered that Thai knew Kenneth and something clicked in my head. Arthur knew…

  Well, of course he fucking knew. Arthur knew everything. I shook my head and sighed, “There’s nothing going on with him, Arthur...” I lied. He couldn’t possibly know about our n
ight together…

  He smiled and lifted his arm with difficulty to reach my cheek. Stroking away a tear gently, he said, “I’m sure there could be, Quentin.” He said softly, “I think the only person putting obstacles in the way of a wonderful future for the two of you, is you.”

  I shrugged. I knew that was probably true. Thai and I did have a connection that went deeper than just sex. Something special was brewing but I was afraid of falling in love with him – and I felt guilty about doing so while Arthur was so ill. And besides, I’d probably ruined any sort of chance with him after the way I’d bolted from him after having a fantastic night together.

  Arthur was eyeing me with interest, “I think you should talk to him.” He said, “Get to know him. Tell him what you tell me – your hopes and dreams and fears – and listen to him when he does the same. Communication is so important, Quentin. Don’t waste your life like I have. Be happy. I want you to be happy my darling.”

  His hand fell away and his eyes closed.

  I stared at him in horror. Oh, God. Had those words been his final ones? Had he gone?

  Oh, thank God, no… The monitors around the room were still whirring and bleeping. His chest was still going up and down. I breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn’t gone yet.

  I flopped back in the chair. I wanted to tell him how I really felt before it was too late. I couldn’t have him die without him knowing just how much he’d meant to me.

  *

  “Quentin? Are you still here?”

  It sounded faintly reprimanding and I felt myself blushing, feeling foolish. I raised my face from his bed, “Uh, yeah,” I said, “I didn’t want to leave you.”

  He smiled, his face thinner with the illness and yet still hauntingly beautiful, “Always so thoughtful.” He said, “But don’t waste time, Quentin. I’ll be gone soon – and I don’t want you to be alone.”

  I shrugged. He might not be so benevolent if he knew that I wasn’t always alone. But I didn’t want to even think about what I’d done with Thai a couple of nights ago. Thai was right. I hadn’t cheated on Arthur, because he’d never made me his – but it was still the way I saw it – and when he needed me the most, too. I felt worse than disgusting. I was utter scum.

  “And Quentin,” He smiled sadly, “Don’t feel guilty for needing love. I’ve a confession to make. I asked your young man to come and see me.”

  I stared at him in horror, “What?” I whispered, as a feeling of utter self-loathing flooding through me.

  He nodded, “I didn’t realise he was the young man with the Porsche.” He said conversationally, “Good choice there, Quentin,” he said, “He’s big and strong and he’ll have no trouble looking after you.”

  I blinked, “B-but… are you not angry with me?”

  He shook his head, “How could I be angry with you for craving someone’s love when I starved you of affection and love for all those years? What sort of a man would it make me not to want for you to have love?”

  “But I wanted love with you.” I sobbed, all the hurt and frustration I’d been feeling for as long as I could remember bubbling to the surface, “I was in love with you right from the start – but you shut me down.”

  He nodded sadly, “I know I did. I was a fool.” He said, “I thought if I could just keep things simple, we would both be better off – and now it’s too late. I’m going to die – in a few days if I’m really lucky... If I could do it all over again, please believe me when I say that I’d do it so differently.”

  I let out a sob. “I love you so much, Arthur. I’ll always love you.”

  He nodded and smiled, “I love you too, you beautiful, beautiful boy.” He started to cough and I waited for him to recover. “I fell in love with you the day we met. I don’t know why I waited until I was dying to tell you...”

  That was the cruellest part about it. I could understand him waiting until I was eighteen so we could tell people that I was a fully consenting adult... but my eighteenth birthday came and went, and all of my hopes and dreams of us getting married and having a life together went with it. He was never going to see me any differently than the kid he’d picked up off the streets.

  I’d always thought that he couldn’t have loved me. Not enough... and I’d accepted it in the end, because in my life, no one ever really had.

  And I guess that was what was holding me back with Thai, too. I couldn’t allow myself to fall in love with Thai because Thai could never really love me, either...

  He’d told me he wasn’t the type to ever fall in love and I believed him. Why wouldn’t I? No one else in my life seemed capable of real love. I was beginning to think it just didn’t exist. He’d said that falling in love was something he just didn’t do – and I’d seen him in action way before he ever approached me. He was a perpetual player. He liked random hook ups. Why would he want to trade that in for me? Well, the answer to that was easy – he wouldn’t...

  Chapter 11 – Finding Quentin…

  Thai

  The next night, I was working. I didn’t expect to see Quentin there and was therefore very surprised to see him, dressed to the nines and sipping a cocktail at the bar.

  I feeling of utter delight flooded my body – knowing that Arthur approved of our fledging relationship buoying me up no end, I headed across.

  He smiled at me as I slipped onto the stool next to him and bumped his shoulder gently with mine, “Hey, you.” I said, “What are you doing here?”

  He shrugged his delicate shoulders, “I needed to get out.” He said, “It’s just not the same at home anymore… and I uh, I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

  I nodded, “I’m working until the end tonight – but you can come back to mine again if you like and we can talk there – it’ll be a lot quieter than in here.”

  He looked up at me through his impossibly long eyelashes, “I think we both know that that’s not a good idea.” He murmured, “You’re too…” his eyes roamed over me, “tempting.” he managed to pout his lips somehow as he said the words, sending heat straight to my groin. “Fuck.” I whispered, “You’re so fucking sexy.”

  He smiled almost shyly and looked away. Did he have any idea how utterly irresistible he was? “Just dance with me, then. I’m not performing for another hour or so – so, would you? Dance with me, I mean?”

  He looked up at me. I held out my hand, holding my breath. Would he take my hand?

  Finally, he bit his lip and rolled his eyes, “I can stay for one dance.” He said, “But then I should leave. We can talk some other time.”

  I nodded, “One dance – and then I’ll let you go.”

  There was no way I could ever let him go… No way on this earth. Quentin might not know it yet – but he was already mine.

  I took him in my arms and we swayed together to the music, “I love this song.” Quentin murmured.

  I nodded, “Me to.” I agreed. “What did you want to talk about?”

  He looked up at me, “You went to see Arthur.”

  I nodded. There was little point in lying about it if he already knew, “I did.” I agreed, “He seems like a really decent guy.”

  Quentin sighed and leaned against my chest, “He is.” He said.

  I took a deep breath, “He asked me to look after you – you know – afterwards…” I didn’t want to make reference to Arthur’s death, but it was sadly, inevitable.

  Quentin nodded his head but he didn’t say anything. When the song ended, he let go of me, smiled up at me sadly, and then he turned and left.

  Chapter 12 – Running out of time…

  Quentin

  I didn’t want to leave Thai. I really didn’t but I had to. If I’d have stayed, I knew what would happen. I would have gone home with him again and I would have slept with him again.

  It was difficult to stay away from him. It was difficult to deal with going home, knowing that Arthur wasn’t there and it was difficult to keep going to uni. Knowing my time with Arthur was already limited, going to universi
ty seemed like such a waste of precious time – but I didn’t feel that way about spending time with Thai. Maybe knowing that he had Arthur’s approval was what made the difference.

  Regardless, I had an exam in the morning, so going home was the most sensible thing all round. There was no way I would be able to concentrate on passing the exam if I was totally blissed out after a night of lovemaking with Thai.

  It was a restless night. Thoughts whizzing through my mind, all mixed up between Arthur and Thai and the exam. I woke up the next morning not really feeling rested at all.

  I dragged myself out of my bed and got dressed. I wasn’t bothered what I was wearing. There was no one to look good for…

  I threw on a pair of faded old jeans with a torn sweatshirt. I shoved my feet into my worn-out Adidas trainers and headed downstairs for some breakfast.

  Harry beamed at me as I poked my head around the kitchen door, “Quentin, my dear boy.” He said, “What can I get you?”

  I shrugged, “I’m good with Coco-Pops,” I said with a grin. Call me a big baby but I absolutely loved the sugary cereal – Frosties were another favourite.

  He shook his head, “Porridge is a far better option, you know?” He said reproachfully, “It keeps you fuller for longer.”

  I shrugged again “But it doesn’t taste like Coco-Pops.” I reminded him with a grin.

  He chuckled, “Coming right up – tea or coffee?”

  I bit my lip, “Umm, coffee please.” I needed all the help I could get to stay awake today.

  I chatted with him as I ate and was tempted into having a couple of slices of toast before Harry was organising a car to take me to uni.

  “I can walk down the road and catch the bus.” I argued feebly. I hated rocking up in the Mercedes. Everyone always stared at me.

  “Nonsense,” Harry snapped, “What would Arthur say if I allowed you to get on public transport?”

  He had a point. Arthur wouldn’t hear of it. I sighed, “Fine.” I said, “I’ll brush my teeth and grab my stuff.”