by Evans, A. K.
My mouth came down softly on hers. There was a bit of closed-mouth kissing before Lexi brought her tongue out to tease my lips. I opened my mouth and gave her access. As I savored the taste and feel of her velvety tongue and soft lips, Lexi’s hand at my chest slid up to my neck and up to the back of my head. Her fingers ran through my hair as she moved her body from the couch and straddled my lap. My hands were immediately at her thighs, squeezing. Lexi moaned and began rolling her hips over me. I groaned into her mouth as my hands made their way from her thighs to her hips.
I tore my mouth from hers and growled, “Fuck, you’re so sexy.”
There was nothing but burning hot desire in her eyes as she continued to move herself over my length. One of my hands dropped from her hip and slid down over her ass. I squeezed it gently. She let out another moan and brought her mouth back to mine. Her hands moved from my hair to my shoulders and arms and back up again as we continued kissing. My hands were at her ass, hips, and thighs until I slid them up her back and into her hair.
Touching her made me a little bit anxious. I didn’t want to do anything to upset her or bring her mind back to a terrible time in her life, but I also tried to keep in mind what she had said just a few minutes ago. She wanted to feel like a woman again and she wanted to feel sexy. I hoped in feeling my hands on her body after she asked me to touch her along with the kisses I gave her and the groans I let out that she was beginning to feel like the beautiful woman I saw every time I looked at her.
Framing her face with my hands, I broke the connection at our lips.
“Cruz,” she breathed.
She was so beautiful. I already knew how gone I was for her, but hearing her say my name like that, full of need, I knew there was no turning back.
“You just keep getting better, Lex.”
“Right back at ya,” she responded.
Lexi dazzled me with a goofy grin just before she dropped her head and nuzzled her face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around her back and squeezed her tight.
“Thank you, Cruz.”
“Kissing you is not something I need thanks for.”
“I wasn’t thanking you for that,” she started. “I was thanking you for making me feel safe…for making me feel protected. I feel like I’m well on my way to getting all the missing pieces of myself back.”
“Lexi…” I trailed off, too overwhelmed to know what to say.
“Don’t say anything, Cruz. I don’t want you to say anything. I just want to be here with you like this. Will you hold me and lay next to me on the couch for a bit? I enjoyed that last night.”
I gave her a gentle squeeze before I shifted us on the couch. Then I held her close for a long time. I felt her warm breath as it hit the skin at my throat. It eventually evened out and I knew Lexi was asleep.
It was the Monday after I had experienced the best weekend of my entire life.
I had an incredible date with Cruz after which he made me feel safer than I had in years. Going into the date, I was nervous for a multitude of reasons. Obviously, I was experiencing first-date jitters, but most of my anxiety was stemming from the words Cruz said to me before he left my apartment that morning. Even though he tried to reassure me that it would be fine, I still worried how he’d feel once he had a few hours to let the news I’d shared with him settle.
But I had worried for no reason because, just as Cruz said, it was all good. In fact, it was better than good. With each conversation we had, he proved to me that I wasn’t wrong to put my trust in him. It was evident the moment we started our conversation that he had put some serious thought into what a relationship with me would look like. His suggestion to use a safe word in the event things were going too fast, too far, or even to a place that was scary gave me control that I didn’t expect I could have again.
If that wasn’t already enough, he did it again on Sunday.
I was up early on Sunday and spent the entire morning through the late afternoon with Elle at her event, which turned out to be a huge success. She hadn’t had one since before her situation with her stalker ended, so I was happy how it all turned out for her.
By the time we packed everything up, I managed to walk through my door just after five thirty. I called Cruz, at his request, when I got back.
“Hey, Lex. How’d it go?”
“It was a total flop. We spent the entire day there and only had a handful of people show up,” I replied. “Elle was pretty disappointed.”
Silence for a beat before he questioned, “Really?”
I felt my lips twitch before I let out a giggle. “You make it so easy, Cruz. Do you really think I would be getting home just now, which is significantly later than the event was set to end, if it hadn’t gone well? It went really well. Elle had a huge turnout and didn’t want to turn anyone away.”
“Smartass.”
I heard the teasing tone of his voice and knew he wasn’t mad. I didn’t get a chance to tell him anything else because he asked, “How long?”
“For what?”
“Are you being a smartass again?”
“Um…no?”
“I can be ready to leave here in about five minutes. How long do you need before you’re ready to go out tonight?”
“Forty-five minutes,” I replied.
“Forty-five minutes?” he repeated.
“Is that too long?”
“Not at all,” he started. “I’m just surprised you can get ready that quickly.”
“Well I already know what I’m going to wear, so the biggest hurdle is out of the way,” I noted.
“Can wait to see you,” he returned softly.
Before I had a chance to respond, Cruz disconnected the call.
As much as I wanted to dwell on his words, I didn’t have time. I dropped my phone, hopped in the shower, and got ready.
For the first time in years, I put on a dress.
When I opened my door to Cruz, his head had been down. His heated gaze traveled from my feet, up my bare legs, over the curves of my hips and chest, and to my face.
And for the first time in years, I felt strong and proud.
Most of all, standing before Cruz, I felt safe wearing that dress.
I watched the muscle in his jaw working.
“You look so pretty, Lexi.”
I felt pretty. With the way he stood there looking at me and the sound of his voice when he said those words, it would have been impossible not to feel pretty. Best of all, even though he had made it very clear he liked what he saw when he looked at me, I didn’t feel like a piece of meat.
I smiled at him and pointed out, “You said the same thing last night when you picked me up.”
“Did I?” he asked. “Maybe it’s the truth.”
“You are certainly beginning to make me feel like it is.”
At that, we went out on our date and had an incredible time. As was typical, we spent the entire time laughing and it was never once awkward or forced. When he brought me home, Cruz walked me to the door.
“Do you want to come in for a while?” I asked.
Cruz stepped just inside the door and closed it, but answered, “We both have a long week ahead of us and you’ve had a very busy weekend. I probably shouldn’t stay.”
I put my hands to Cruz’s chest and shared, “I had a really great time tonight, Cruz. Thank you for giving this to me.”
“Happy to give it to you.”
“Can I give you something now in return?”
I felt Cruz’s fingertips dig in slightly at my hips before his hands moved around my waist and pulled me into his body.
“All I want is to know that you had a good time tonight,” he began. “I don’t expect nor do I want you to do anything for me in return.”
Disappointed, I dropped my gaze from his and stared at his throat.
“Why do you look like I’ve just crushed all your hopes and dreams?” Cruz asked.
I shook my head, feeling frustrated.
Cruz squeezed me a li
ttle tighter. “Look at me, Lex.”
I did as he asked.
Then, I felt the back of his knuckles brush along my cheek as he urged, “Tell me why you’re sad.”
“I feel pretty tonight,” I started. “For the first time in a very long time, I feel sexy and confident. All I wanted to do was kiss you before you left.”
I barely got the words out when Cruz’s mouth came crashing down on mine. With his lips pressed to mine, I slid my hands up his chest and around his neck. As our mouths opened and our tongues began to taste each other, my body melted further into his. One of Cruz’s arms stayed wrapped tight around the upper part of my back, but the other one…oh, the other one. It dipped lower and lower until it slid down over the curve of my ass.
I loved it, so I gave him a moan as encouragement.
He gave me a gentle squeeze.
I really loved that.
After a bit more squeezing, kissing, and moaning, Cruz tore his mouth from mine. His forehead resting on mine, we both fought to catch our breath.
Cruz did it arguably faster than me because he started speaking. “Don’t keep it in, Lexi.”
“What?”
Pulling his head back from mine, he instructed, “With me, you don’t have to hide anything. Give in to what you feel, Princess, no matter what it is. Scared, sexy, or anything in between. It doesn’t matter what it is; if it’s in me to see you through that, I will.”
And of everything he did for me in the last few minutes, what he had just said was what I loved most.
“I feel like I’m dreaming, Cruz. Are you even real?”
“It’s time to wake up, warrior. I’m as real as it gets.”
Once those words slipped out of his mouth, he pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose and declared, “I’m going to head out now.”
I let the disappointment of that wash over me for about two seconds before Cruz added, “I had a fantastic time tonight. And you were, by far, the most beautiful woman in the restaurant. Don’t think I’m leaving because I don’t like what I see. This wasn’t about me and what I want. Tonight was about giving you what you needed…giving you what someone took from you. I hope you got that back.”
Warmth spread through me. “I did, Cruz. I got that and so much more.”
“Good night, Lexi.”
“Good night.”
So, with everything Cruz gave me for the last two days, I went to bed last night feeling happier than I could ever remember.
But thoughts of Cruz had to be pushed to the back of my mind…at least until tonight when I had my meeting with Dr. Lane. I didn’t always see her weekly, but when I left her office last week knowing that I’d be going out on a date with Cruz this past weekend, I thought it was crucial to have the appointment scheduled.
For now, though, I needed to focus on work. It was the start of a new week and I had a lot of work to get done before the official opening of WAAR next Monday. I pushed the campaign out late last week and, with all the excitement of the weekend, hadn’t had a chance to check up on it until now. I didn’t have to work too hard to find out because as soon as I got to my office and opened my email I saw one that told me I was going to get an update.
Lexi, Call when you have a minute.
Grant’s signature was attached to the bottom of the email.
I was nervous, but knew that if there were any issues, I’d handle them immediately. So, I picked up the phone and called Grant.
The phone rang twice before I heard, “Lexi, thanks for calling.”
“It’s no problem. I got your email. Is everything alright?”
There was no denying the excitement and relief in his voice. “Things are perfect. Over the weekend, we received thousands of dollars in donations for the center,” he shared.
“That’s incredible. I’m so happy to hear that.”
“They’re still coming in. Some donations were made anonymously, but there were also tons of high-profile individuals who’ve put out a lot of money out. These donations will help us ensure that WAAR can continue to be an on-going, dependable resource for sexual assault victims. I wanted to personally thank you for your hard work on this. You have no idea what it means to me.”
“I’m overjoyed at the news, Grant. This campaign being successful is, by far, one of my proudest accomplishments. I came in this morning ready to get to work on the second half of the equation. All those donations won’t mean anything if the women who need the help don’t know it’s there. I’ve got a busy week ahead, but I’m motivated to see this through.”
“We appreciate everything you’ve done, Lexi. If you need anything throughout the week, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I’ll be spending most of my time at the center finalizing all of the details, but I can be available if there’s something you need.”
“That sounds great,” I responded. “I’ll be in touch later this week to update you.”
After disconnecting the call with Grant, I gave myself a minute to celebrate the success of the first part of the campaign. Then, I got down to business. The hours passed quickly as I worked. In fact, I was so consumed with what I wanted to get done, I worked while I ate lunch. I managed to get just about everything I needed done, but had to stop working when I realized the time. If I was going to make it to my appointment with Dr. Lane on time, I couldn’t keep working. So, I shut everything down, locked up the office, and walked to my car.
Just over an hour later, I was sitting on the comfortable chair in Dr. Lane’s office and I had just finished telling her about my panic attack from Friday night and the subsequent dates I had with Cruz.
“And now that it’s been a few days since the panic attack, how are you feeling?”
“Very good, actually. It wasn’t pretty that night, but he did an incredible job handling the situation. I’m finding that I’m becoming more and more attracted to him. I feel a lot of things for him that I haven’t felt for anyone in a long time. And they’re all good things. Most important of all is how he’s handled me since I told him everything.”
I paused a moment thinking about him and the safety he provided me while I sought to regain so much that was taken.
I continued, “Even though I haven’t been attracted to anyone until Cruz, I think I’ve always known that I still wanted to find a way to heal. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve always worried what would happen when I’d finally be ready for that step and told the person I was with what happened. I have asked myself a million questions. Would that person even stick around? If they did, what would happen if I had a panic attack in the middle of it? What if I thought I was ready to take that big step with someone and then during it I realized I wanted to stop? Would they respect that? Would it happen all over again? Oddly enough, as awful as it was, I feel like having that panic attack on Friday was probably one of the greatest things that could have happened.”
“How so?” Dr. Lane asked curiously.
“A lot of reasons, to be honest,” I started. “Obviously, it was the perfect opportunity to bring up what happened to me. I knew I wanted to tell Cruz about it, but trying to figure out how I would do that gave me anxiety. More than that, though, his response to it has quelled so many fears that I’ve had. He has reassured me that there is no rush for physical intimacy and I believe him when he says that. Beyond that, he’s very big on communication about everything, but the physical connection, in particular. He suggested using a safe word so that I knew I only had to say one word if I am feeling uncomfortable with anything and it stops, no questions asked. Just knowing I have that control now is empowering.”
“I think the use of a safe word is an excellent idea. Outside of what happened on Friday, is there anything that has happened that’s made you feel uneasy or hesitant?”
I shook my head. “No. Well, not really.”
Dr. Lane’s brows pulled together.
I went on to explain my conversation with Cruz about wearing dresses and how he helped me accomplish
something I really wanted to be able to do again.
“He’s been wonderful,” I gushed. “What he gave me when he promised a night with no expectations regardless of what I wore helped me in ways I can’t even begin to describe. I know it’s still going to take me some time to feel completely confident wearing whatever I want again, but I no longer have doubt about wearing what I’m comfortable in around him.”
“It seems to me that Cruz is going to be a very positive part of your healing process,” Dr. Lane pointed out.
A grin spread across my face. “I feel excited again. It’s excitement over rediscovering a part of me that I thought I had permanently lost. I don’t want to feel fearful about sex anymore and the communication I’ve had with Cruz has given me such a tremendous amount of confidence and security about exploring that with him.”
And it did. I knew I was wholly responsible for my recovery, but certain aspects of it would be difficult to achieve without a willing partner. I was grateful that Cruz seemed to be a very willing participant and that he didn’t appear to have any issues with allowing me to set the pace for the physical part of our relationship. He basically insisted that I would be the one to decide what happened and when. That power and control he handed over to me when he, as a partner in the relationship, didn’t have to meant more to me that I could ever tell Dr. Lane or Cruz.
Dr. Lane and I wrapped up our session, but I didn’t schedule another one. I told her I’d reach out when I needed to meet again.
At that, I left and went home. After eating a quick dinner and getting in a workout, I sat down to journal. I wrote a few words, but decided I wanted to do something I hadn’t done in a long time.
Picking up my phone and scrolling through, I found Cruz’s name and tapped on the screen.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Hi, Cruz.”
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
I loved the concern he showed for me.
“Yeah.”
“Oh, I’m surprised. You don’t typically call me.”
It made me happy to see that he recognized the effort I was making. “I know. I’m trying to work on doing that more. I really just called because I wanted to see how your day went if you had a few minutes to talk.”
