by Evans, A. K.
“For you?” he started. “Always.”
And just like that, I’d gotten over another hurdle.
Cruz and I chatted for a long time. After, I got back to my journal for a bit before I climbed into my bed. Just before I fell asleep I realized that since Cruz came into my life I had spent more nights falling asleep happier than I had been in years. Warmth spread through me at that thought and I easily drifted off.
“I think it’s time. I’m ready.”
“Are you sure?” Cruz responded. “There’s nothing wrong with waiting if you’re still having concerns.”
I shook my head, convinced I was making the right decision for myself and I was doing it on my own terms.
It was Thursday evening and I was cuddled up with Cruz on the couch at my apartment. I was on my back; he was on his side next to me with his head propped up in his hand. After I got home from work, I got in a quick workout, showered, and started dinner. Cruz showed up ten minutes later, helped me finish cooking, and we had dinner together.
While I had spoken to Cruz every day this week, tonight was the first night the two of us were seeing each other since Sunday.
It had been an incredibly busy week up to this point. Other than my meeting with Leni on Tuesday to talk about the grand opening of her yoga studio, which was still quite a few weeks away, my week was filled with work for WAAR. Beyond that, I had finally rescheduled my appointment with Logan and was set to meet with him tomorrow morning. After my meeting with Logan, I was going to be meeting with Grant at my office for one last update before the center opened on Monday.
“I appreciate you worrying about me and wanting to make sure I’m not rushing anything, but I’m sure,” I began, bringing my attention back to my conversation with Cruz. “Knowing what I know now I realize I’ve already waited too long. Part of me wishes I would have done this sooner.”
“Is there anything I can do to help you with this?” he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, “I’m not sure yet. Telling my parents about the rape is going to be difficult, but I want them to know. The problem is that I don’t know how they’ll react. I know they love me and they’re going to be devastated. It hasn’t been easy to tell anyone about this, so I have to face that hurdle along with trying to handle their reactions to it.”
“You don’t have to do it alone, Lexi. If you want me to be there to support you, I’m more than happy to do that for you.”
I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I knew I didn’t want to do it on my own, but I also didn’t want to overwhelm my parents. This was going to be hard enough on them as it was.
“I don’t know what to do, Cruz,” I answered honestly. “On one hand, I think it would help me tremendously to know that you, Logan, Luke, and Nikki were there when I tell them. On the other hand, I’m trying to put myself in my parents’ shoes. I can’t imagine the disappointment they are going to feel.”
Cruz’s arm curled around my shoulder a little tighter. “Why would they be disappointed with you?”
“Lots of reasons,” I started. “I know they’ll be disappointed that I didn’t tell them sooner, that I didn’t fight, and that I didn’t report it.”
“You didn’t fight?” Cruz questioned me, clearly confused.
I shook my head and explained, “When it happened I didn’t fight him. I let him do it.”
“Did you say no, Lex?” he asked.
I nodded.
“You didn’t let anyone do anything. He wanted power and control so he took what he did from you to get that. You aren’t at fault and nobody can blame you for any part of it.”
I sighed. “I wish I had tried harder to fight him and I wish I would have reported it. Those are my biggest regrets. It breaks my heart to even think about the disappointment I know I’m going to see in my parents’ faces…especially my dad. I know I can’t go back to change it and that my reaction is one that’s extremely common. Even still, it doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I wish I had done something more than I did.”
Cruz’s hand cupped the side of my face, where his thumb swiped back and forth across my cheek. “You said no. That’s all it should have taken.”
I closed my eyes as I dropped my head to the side toward him. “I know,” I whispered.
“If you don’t want to answer, it’s fine, but can I ask why you didn’t report it?”
“There’s a lot of reasons for that, too,” I shared, with a roll of my eyes.
The truth was that I not only knew that my parents would be disappointed, but that I was already disappointed with myself for my lack of action. I often wondered how many other women might have experienced what I did at the hands of my attacker because I remained silent.
I continued, “Shame, guilt, and responsibility, to name a few. It’s taken me a lot of years to get to where I am now, to know that I shouldn’t have ever felt any of those things. Hindsight makes me wish I could go back and do things differently. He could have done it to someone else after me and that’s something I could have possibly prevented if I had reported him.”
“You still can,” Cruz enlightened me. “There’s no pressure and I’m not in any way saying that you have to do this, but if it’s something you want to do, the state of Wyoming has no statute of limitations on it. It’s not too late.”
I didn’t respond because I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to do. Instead, I rolled to my side and slid my arm over Cruz’s waist. I shifted my body as close as possible to his and felt his hand curl around the back of my neck and into my hair.
With my face inches from his throat, I quietly asked, “Will you be there with me when I tell my parents? I don’t think I want to do it without you.”
“Warrior, you name the time and place and I’d be honored to give you that,” he said softly.
“I’ll call them tomorrow and set something up for one of these upcoming weekends if that works for you,” I declared.
“That works for me.”
“I think I’m going to make sure Logan, Luke, and Nikki are there, too. I’d love to have Elle there as well, but I think that’ll be pushing it for my parents.”
Cruz’s hand drifted from my hair down my back and around my waist. He squeezed me gently and insisted, “I’m good with whatever you decide.”
At that, I shifted my head closer to him and pressed a kiss to the base of his throat. I felt his fingertips press deeper into the skin at my back.
“You know,” I began as I peppered kisses along his neck. “I think I’m really beginning to like you a lot.”
I felt the vibration of his laughter against my lips as they moved back to his throat.
“You’ve got to know the feeling is mutual,” he returned.
I tipped my head back and looked up at him. When his eyes came to mine, I assured him with a goofy grin, “I do.”
His mouth came down on mine. As our tongues began to glide against one another, I realized I wanted to take the next step. I wanted more of Cruz. I slipped my hand under the hem of his shirt at his back and touched my fingertips to his skin there. He was so warm. My hand moved up to the middle of his back and out to the side before it slid back down his side to his waist.
He groaned into my mouth.
I needed more.
I pulled my head back, disconnecting our mouths, and stared up at him through hooded eyes. “I want more, Cruz. I’d like to feel your skin against mine.”
The lust in his gaze was undeniable. His voice was thick with emotion when he ordered, “You’ve got to be clear, Lex. What exactly do you want?”
“Tops off,” I answered. “Can we do that?”
“Anything you want, Princess,” he immediately replied as he lifted his torso from the couch and moved to lift his shirt over his head.
I watched with avid fascination.
Oh my.
Cruz.
He was so beautiful. I stared at his body and licked my lips.
Cruz was on his knees, his ass rest
ing on his heels, as he straddled one of my thighs. I scooted back a bit toward the arm of the couch and sat up. Bringing my hands to Cruz’s hips, I shifted so I was resting myself on my shins in front of him.
I wasted no time.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips to the middle of Cruz’s chest. His hands that were holding the backs of my arms tightened momentarily before he dropped them to my hips. My mouth continued to move up his lean, muscled torso to his collarbones. I kissed along each side, feeling Cruz’s grip around my waist tighten and pull me toward him. My hands were roaming over his naked upper body and Cruz was keeping his hands planted at my waist.
I didn’t like it. It wasn’t enough.
“Touch me, Cruz,” I begged. “I want to feel your hands on my skin.”
A low growl escaped from the back of his throat as his hands slowly went under the hem of my shirt. He didn’t remove my shirt, but he was touching me, at my hips and my waist. I continued to kiss him, but craved more…much more than I think he was comfortable with knowing my past.
You are taking the lead on that.
I recalled Cruz’s words and quickly decided I’d need to go after what I wanted. My hands left his body and went to the shirt I was wearing. After I pulled it over my head and tossed it aside, I stayed there in my lace-trimmed bra and gazed up at Cruz. I loved the way he was looking at me.
Like I was sexy, but sweet.
Like I was strong, but precious.
His look only served to make me more courageous.
My hands found his. I slid them up my sides until they were cupping the sides of my breasts.
“You are so pretty, Lexi,” Cruz croaked. “So beautiful,” he went on, his fingers squeezing gently.
“Kiss me,” I pleaded.
He lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me. I kissed back because it was that good, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I pulled back and said, “No.”
Cruz immediately dropped his hands from my body and pulled back from me. “Are you ok?”
“I’m perfect, Cruz,” I assured him.
He still looked concern.
I eased that concern and explained, “I stopped because I didn’t want you kissing me on my lips. I want your mouth on my body.”
I just barely saw the heat in his eyes intensify before he dropped his head to my neck.
Yes!
My hands were fisting his hair. Cruz’s mouth moved from my neck to the upper part of my chest. He kissed me there, slowly and very delicately. Taking his time, he lavished his attention in that same spot, not making a move to go further south.
“No scars.” His voice was nothing but guttural relief.
It took me a second to understand, but then I realized what he was doing. He was kissing every spot where I had been burned, spots that weren’t noticeable because he acted quickly and took care of me that day. I had no scars from Cruz and I had a feeling I never would.
“You took them away,” I breathed. “You took care of me, Cruz.”
At the sound of his name, Cruz changed. He became more desperate for me; he was hungrier.
I shifted my legs out from underneath me and fell to my back. Refusing to take his hands and his mouth from my body, Cruz came with me. There were no nerves or anxiety in that moment, only pure lust and desire. As he settled over my body, his mouth went lower, leaving a trail of kisses right over the top swells of my breasts. Relief splintered through my body as his mouth closed over my nipple, the delicate fabric of my bra the only thing separating us.
I moaned in relief at the sweet sensation.
Cruz’s hand at my other breast squeezed before pulling the lace down and exposing my nipple. His lips moved across my chest and sucked the bared bud into his mouth.
“Cruz,” I whimpered.
More sounds escaped him. They were the sexiest sounds I’d ever heard.
He exposed my other breast and flicked a single finger over the hardened peak several times before capturing it between his him thumb and forefinger. It was magnificent.
A shrill sound filled the room and, quickly coming out of my lust-filled fog, I realized it was his phone.
“No,” I panted. “Please, don’t stop.”
“Ignore it, Lex,” he ordered.
So I ignored it.
Cruz kept at it, filling me with such want and need for more of him.
The ringing started again.
I tried to ignore it. Cruz couldn’t.
He dropped his forehead to the space between my breasts and muttered, “Fuck.”
When he lifted his head, he apologized, “I’m sorry, Lexi. I have to take it.”
I gave him a quick nod, but said nothing otherwise. Cruz pulled his phone out and held it to his ear.
“Yeah?” There was no denying the irritation in his tone.
That is, it was irritation until I saw his face go alert. That’s when I knew it was work and he’d need to leave. I brought my hands to my breasts and slid the lace cups back into place over them. Cruz watched me as he listened to the phone.
“I’ll meet you there. I’m coming from Lexi’s, so give me an extra five minutes,” he responded to the person on the other end of the line.
He waited as the person spoke before he replied, “Yeah, me too.”
Cruz disconnected the call and slid his phone back in his pocket. When he brought his eyes to mine, he looked tortured. It was like he couldn’t bring himself to tell me he had to leave.
I made it easy for him.
“You have to go,” I stated.
Disappointment wasn’t even the correct word to describe the look on his face as he nodded. He hated having to leave as much as I hated the fact that he had to go. And that was a lot.
“Twice now,” he started. “Twice I’ve left you like this. Christ, Lexi. I’m so sorry to do this to you…to us.”
I was struggling with the idea of him leaving, but I knew he had an important job. I wanted him focused and didn’t want to make him feel any worse that I could tell he already did.
I sat up in front of him and asked, “Are you going to catch a bad guy?”
“Based on the call I just received, I’m guessing I might do that while, quite possibly, also saving at least one girl from being abducted.”
“Then go, Cruz,” I demanded. “I’ll be here when you’re done saving the world.”
He brought his hand to the side of my throat and allowed his thumb to move back and forth across the skin there. After giving himself a minute to look at me, Cruz shifted his body and got off the couch. He snatched his shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head while I got up and searched for my top. Once I found it, I picked it up and stood to find Cruz watching me. I held the shirt up to my chest to cover myself, but didn’t put it on.
“You don’t have to feel ashamed, warrior.”
I gave him a small smile and confirmed, “I don’t. Not with you. Never with you.”
His face softened.
I explained, “I just thought it wouldn’t be nice of me to torture you and stand here in my bra when I know you can’t stay and continue what we started before you got that call.”
“That’s very kind of you,” he praised. “But you should know that seeing you standing there in your bra only makes me want to do what I’ve got to do as quickly as I can so I can get back to you. I enjoyed what this was tonight, Lex, and not just for the physical aspect of it. As amazing as that part was, I loved tonight for what it showed me about you and what you think about me. Thank you for trusting me to take this journey with you.”
I dropped my shirt, stepped closer to him, and wrapped my arms around his neck. Pressing up on my toes, I brought my mouth to his, gave him a quick peck on the lips, and noted, “You make it easy.”
Cruz brought his arms around me, nuzzled his face in my neck, and instructed, “Set the alarm after I leave. As much as I want to come back to you tonight, I don’t think this is going to be quick. If it is, I’ll come back. If it gets too late, I�
�m not going to disturb you in your sleep. Either way, don’t doubt that this is exactly where I’d rather be.”
“Did I ever tell you how much I’m really beginning to like you?” I teased.
Cruz chuckled. “You might have mentioned it once or twice.”
“Go, Cruz. Be safe tonight.”
“Always, Lexi. Good night, princess.”
Cruz put his lips on my forehead, kissed me there, and left. After he walked out, I locked the door and set my alarm. Making my way through my apartment toward my bedroom, I turned off the lights along the way.
After removing my bra and throwing on pajamas, I sat in my cozy chair and wrote in my journal for a long time. I think I wrote so long because I was secretly hoping Cruz was wrong and he’d be back soon. Unfortunately, too much time passed and I was getting tired. I climbed into my bed and, despite my exhaustion, couldn’t find sleep. Thoughts of my rendezvous with Cruz earlier in the evening played over and over in my mind and I found myself getting more and more turned on. I hadn’t been this aroused in years. Heck, I hadn’t been aroused at all in years. While there was a part of me that wanted that experience with Cruz, another part of me was screaming at me to take care of myself, to prove to me that I could be sexual again.
And that’s when I knew I was going to give this to myself.
Slipping my hand underneath the waistband of my sweatpants, my fingers crept down to the top edge of my panties. I slid my hand under the fabric and my fingers moved through the wetness between my legs. My thoughts were on Cruz and how he used his lips and his tongue to excite me earlier. I continued to touch myself climbing higher and higher to a place I’d not seen in so many years. My free hand slid under my shirt up to my breasts, where it moved over one of my sensitive nipples.
It was a matter of minutes when I felt myself right on the edge. As much as I wanted to slip my finger inside, I held back. I was going to give myself this orgasm and I was going to thoroughly enjoy it, but I didn’t want penetration until I could share that with someone who meant something to me. Visions of Cruz hovering over me earlier flashed before me and that’s when it happened. I exploded, pure pleasure shooting through me to every inch of my body.
