The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.)

by E. Oe. Somerville and Martin Ross

  THE FAMILY HORSE

  BY FREDERICK S. COZZENS

  I have bought me a horse. As I had obtained some skill in the _manege_during my younger days, it was a matter of consideration to have asaddle-horse. It surprised me to find good saddle-horses very abundantsoon after my consultation with the stage proprietor upon this topic.There were strange saddle-horses to sell almost every day. One man wasvery candid about his horse: he told me, if his horse had a blemish, hewouldn't wait to be asked about it; he would tell it right out; and, ifa man didn't want him then, he needn't take him. He also proposed to puthim on trial for sixty days, giving his note for the amount paid him forthe horse, to be taken up in case the animal were returned. I asked himwhat were the principal defects of the horse. He said he'd been firedonce, because they thought he was spavined; but there was no more spavinto him than there was to a fresh-laid egg--he was as sound as a dollar.I asked him if he would just state what were the defects of the horse.He answered, that he once had the pink-eye, and added, "now that'shonest." I thought so, but proceeded to question him closely. I askedhim if he had the bots. He said, not a bot. I asked him if he would go.He said he would go till he dropped down dead; just touch him with awhip, and he'll jump out of his hide. I inquired how old he was. Heanswered, just eight years, exactly--some men, he said, wanted to maketheir horses younger than they be; he was willing to speak right out,and own up he was eight years. I asked him if there were any otherobjections. He said no, except that he was inclined to be a little gay;"but," he added, "he is so kind, a child can drive him with a thread." Iasked him if he was a good family horse. He replied that no lady thatever drew rein over him would be willing to part with him. Then I askedhim his price. He answered that no man could have bought him for onehundred dollars a month ago, but now he was willing to sell him forseventy-five, on account of having a note to pay. This seemed such avery low price, I was about saying I would take him, when Mrs.Sparrowgrass whispered that I had better _see the horse first_. Iconfess I was a little afraid of losing my bargain by it, but, out ofdeference to Mrs. S., I did ask to see the horse before I bought him. Hesaid he would fetch him down. "No man," he added, "ought to buy a horseunless he's saw him." When the horse came down, it struck me that,whatever his qualities might be, his personal appearance was againsthim. One of his fore legs was shaped like the handle of our punch-ladle,and the remaining three legs, about the fetlock, were slightly bunchy.Besides, he had no tail to brag of; and his back had a very hollow sweepfrom his high haunches to his low shoulder-blades. I was much pleased,however, with the fondness and pride manifested by his owner, as he heldup, by both sides of the bridle, the rather longish head of his horse,surmounting a neck shaped like a pea-pod, and said, in a sort oftriumphant voice, "three-quarters blood!" Mrs. Sparrowgrass flushed up alittle when she asked me if I intended to purchase _that_ horse, andadded, that, if I did, she would never want to ride. So I told the manhe would not suit me. He answered by suddenly throwing himself upon hisstomach across the backbone of his horse, and then, by turning round ason a pivot, got up a-straddle of him; then he gave his horse a kick inthe ribs that caused him to jump out with all his legs, like a frog, andthen off went the spoon-legged animal with a gait that was not a trot,nor yet precisely pacing. He rode around our grass plot twice, and thenpulled his horse's head up like the cock of a musket. "That," said he,"is _time_." I replied that he did seem to go pretty fast. "Prettyfast!" said his owner. "Well, do you know Mr. ----?" mentioning one ofthe richest men in our village. I replied that I was acquainted withhim. "Well," said he, "you know his horse?" I replied that I had nopersonal acquaintance with him. "Well," said he, "he's the fastest horsein the county--jist so--I'm willin' to admit it. But do you know Ioffered to put my horse agin' his to trot? I had no money to put up, orrayther, to spare; but I offered to trot him, horse agin' horse, and thewinner to take both horses, and I tell you--_he wouldn't do it!_"

  Mrs. Sparrowgrass got a little nervous, and twitched me by the skirt ofthe coat "Dear," said she, "let him go." I assured her that I would notbuy the horse, and told the man firmly I would not buy him. He said,very well--if he didn't suit 'twas no use to keep a-talkin': but headded, he'd be down agin' with another horse, next morning, thatbelonged to his brother; and if he didn't suit me, then I didn't want ahorse. With this remark he rode off....

  "It rains very hard," said Mrs. Sparrowgrass, looking out of the windownext morning. Sure enough, the rain was sweeping broadcast over thecountry, and the four Sparrowgrassii were flattening a quartet of nosesagainst the window-panes, believing most faithfully the man would bringthe horse that belonged to his brother, in spite of the elements. It washoping against hope; no man having a horse to sell will trot him out ina rainstorm, unless he intend to sell him at a bargain--but childhood isso credulous! The succeeding morning was bright, however, and down camethe horse. He had been very cleverly groomed, and looked pleasant underthe saddle. The man led him back and forth before the door. "There,'squire, 's as good a hos as ever stood on iron." Mrs. Sparrowgrassasked me what he meant by that. I replied, it was a figurative way ofexpressing, in horse-talk, that he was as good a horse as ever stood inshoe-leather. "He's a handsome hos, 'squire," said the man. I repliedthat he did seem to be a good-looking animal; but, said I, "he does notquite come up to the description of a horse I have read." "Whose hos wasit?" said he. I replied it was the horse of Adonis. He said he didn'tknow him; but, he added, "there is so many hosses stolen, that thedescriptions are stuck up now pretty common." To put him at his ease(for he seemed to think I suspected him of having stolen the horse), Itold him the description I meant had been written some hundreds of yearsago by Shakespeare, and repeated it:

  "Round-hooft, short-joynted, fetlocks shag and long, Broad breast, full eyes, small head, and nostrils wide, High crest, short ears, straight legs, and passing strong, Thin mane, thick tail, broad buttock, tender hide."

  "'Squire," said he, "that will do for a song, but it ain't no p'ints ofa good hos. Trotters nowadays go in all shapes, big heads and littleheads, big eyes and little eyes, short ears or long ears, thick tail andno tail; so as they have sound legs, good l'in, good barrel, and goodstifle, and wind, 'squire, and speed well, they'll fetch a price. Now,this animal is what I call a hos, 'squire; he's got the p'ints, he'sstylish, he's close-ribbed, a free goer, kind in harness--single ordouble--a good feeder." I asked him if being a good feeder was adesirable quality. He replied it was; "of course," said he, "if your hosis off his feed, he ain't good for nothin'. But what's the use," headded, "of me tellin' you the p'ints of a good hos? You're a hos man,'squire: you know--" "It seems to me," said I, "there is something thematter with that left eye." "No, _sir_" said he, and with that he pulleddown the horse's head, and, rapidly crooking his forefinger at thesuspected organ, said, "see thar--don't wink a bit." "But he shouldwink," I replied. "Not onless his eye are weak," he said. To satisfymyself, I asked the man to let me take the bridle. He did so, and assoon as I took hold of it, the horse started off in a remarkableretrograde movement, dragging me with him into my best bed of hybridroses. Finding we were trampling down all the best plants, that had costat auction from three-and-sixpence to seven shillings apiece, and thatthe more I pulled, the more he backed, I finally let him have his ownway, and jammed him stern-foremost into our largest climbing rose thathad been all summer prickling itself, in order to look as much like avegetable porcupine as possible. This unexpected bit of satire in hisrear changed his retrograde movement to a sidelong bound, by which heflirted off half the pots on the balusters, upsetting my gladioluses andtuberoses in the pod, and leaving great splashes of mould, geraniums,and red pottery in the gravel walk. By this time his owner had managedto give him two pretty severe cuts with the whip, which made himunmanageable, so I let him go. We had a pleasant time catching himagain, when he got among the Lima-bean poles; but his owner led him backwith a very self-satisfied expression. "Playful, ain't he, 'squire?" Ireplied that I thought he was, and asked him if it was usu
al for hishorse to play such pranks. He said it was not "You see, 'squire, hefeels his oats, and hain't been out of the stable for a month. Use him,and he's as kind as a kitten." With that he put his foot in the stirrup,and mounted. The animal really looked very well as he moved around thegrass-plot, and, as Mrs. Sparrowgrass seemed to fancy him, I took awritten guarantee that he was sound, and bought him. What I gave for himis a secret; I have not even told Mrs. Sparrowgrass....

  We had passed Chicken Island, and the famous house with the stone gableand the one stone chimney, in which General Washington slept, as he madeit a point to sleep in every old stone house in Westchester County, andhad gone pretty far on the road, past the cemetery, when Mrs.Sparrowgrass said suddenly, "Dear, what is the matter with your horse?"As I had been telling the children all the stories about the river onthe way, I managed to get my head pretty well inside of the carriage,and, at the time she spoke, was keeping a lookout in front with my back.The remark of Mrs. Sparrowgrass induced me to turn about, and I foundthe new horse behaving in a most unaccountable manner. He was going downhill with his nose almost to the ground, running the wagon first on thisside and then on the other. I thought of the remark made by the man, andturning again to Mrs. Sparrowgrass, said, "Playful, isn't he?" The nextmoment I heard something breaking away in front, and then the rockawaygave a lurch and stood still. Upon examination I found the new horse hadtumbled down, broken one shaft, gotten the other through the check-reinso as to bring his head up with a round turn, and besides had managedto put one of the traces in a single hitch around his off hind leg. Sosoon as I had taken all the young ones and Mrs. Sparrowgrass out of therockaway, I set to work to liberate the horse, who was choking very fastwith the check-rein. It is unpleasant to get your fishing-line in atangle when you are in a hurry for bites, but I never saw fishing-linein such a tangle as that harness. However, I set to work with apen-knife, and cut him out in such a way as to make getting home by ourconveyance impossible. When he got up, he was the sleepiest-lookinghorse I ever saw. "Mrs. Sparrowgrass," said I, "won't you stay here withthe children until I go to the nearest farm-house?" Mrs. Sparrowgrassreplied that she would. Then I took the horse with me to get him out ofthe way of the children, and went in search of assistance. The firstthing the new horse did when he got about a quarter of a mile from thescene of the accident was to tumble down a bank. Fortunately the bankwas not over four feet high, but as I went with him, my trousers wererent in a grievous place. While I was getting the new horse on his feetagain, I saw a colored person approaching, who came to my assistance.The first thing he did was to pull out a large jack-knife, and the nextthing he did was to open the new horse's mouth and run the blade two orthree times inside the new horse's gums. Then the new horse commencedbleeding. "Dah, sah," said the man, shutting up his jack-knife, "ef 'thadn't been for dat yer, your hos would a' bin a goner." "What was thematter with him?" said I. "Oh, he's only jis got de blind-staggers, dasall. Say," said he, before I was half indignant enough at the man whohad sold me such an animal, "say, ain't your name Sparrowgrass?" Ireplied that my name was Sparrowgrass. "Oh," said he, "I knows you, Ibrung some fowls once down to you place. I heerd about you and your hos.Dats de hos dats got de heaves so bad, heh! heh! You better sell dathoss." I determined to take his advice, and employed him to lead mypurchase to the nearest place where he would be cared for. Then I wentback to the rockaway, but met Mrs. Sparrowgrass and the children on theroad coming to meet me. She had left a man in charge of the rockaway.When we got to the rockaway we found the man missing, also the whip andone cushion. We got another person to take charge of the rockaway, andhad a pleasant walk home by moonlight. I think a moonlight nightdelicious, upon the Hudson.

  Does any person want a horse at a low price? A good stylish-lookinganimal, close-ribbed, good loin, and good stifle, sound legs, with onlythe heaves and blind-staggers, and a slight defect in one of his eyes?If at any time he slips his bridle and gets away, you can alwaysapproach him by getting on his left side. I will also engage to give awritten guarantee that he is sound and kind, signed by the brother ofhis former owner.