The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.)
Page 32
CHEER FOR THE CONSUMER
BY NIXON WATERMAN
I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter If you crowd me in the street cars till I couldn't well be flatter; I'm only a consumer, and the strikers may go striking, For it's mine to end my living if it isn't to my liking. I am a sort of parasite without a special mission Except to pay the damages--mine is a queer position: The Fates unite to squeeze me till I couldn't well be flatter, For I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter.
The baker tilts the price of bread upon the vaguest rumor Of damage to the wheat crop, but I'm only a consumer, So it really doesn't matter, for there's no law that compells me To pay the added charges on the loaf of bread he sells me. The iceman leaves a smaller piece when days are growing hotter, But I'm only a consumer, and I do not need iced water: My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor, And it really doesn't matter, for I'm only a consumer.
The milkman waters milk for me; there's garlic in my butter, But I'm only a consumer, and it does no good to mutter; I know that coal is going up and beef is getting higher, But I'm only a consumer, and I have no need of fire; While beefsteak is a luxury that wealth alone is needing, I'm only a consumer, and what need have I for feeding? My business is to pay the bills and keep in a good humor, And it really doesn't matter, since I'm only a consumer.
The grocer sells me addled eggs; the tailor sells me shoddy, I'm only a consumer, and I am not anybody. The cobbler pegs me paper soles, the dairyman short-weights me, I'm only a consumer, and most everybody hates me. There's turnip in my pumpkin pie and ashes in my pepper, The world's my lazaretto, and I'm nothing but a leper; So lay me in my lonely grave and tread the turf down flatter, I'm only a consumer, and it really doesn't matter.