Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

by Karyl McBride

  Real-Woman Collage

  Although not new or innovative, this exercise is helpful for women beginning to think about themselves in a different way. To do this exercise, get a poster board or piece of construction paper and several women’s magazines. Start thumbing through the magazines to find pictures of women who represent womanhood to you. Pay attention to what you choose: Are the images representing what you really desire or what your mother or someone else thinks you should be? Cut out only those images or pictures that represent what you believe are symbols of positive, adult womanhood to you, representations of who you are and who you want to become when you allow yourself to show forth. When you have found images that fit you, make a collage of them on the paper. Keep this collage as a reminder of where you are going with your re-creation or finding of yourself.

  What Are My Values?

  This exercise assists you in reminding yourself what you believe in and determining what you like. You will make a list of beliefs on your desires and preferences. I will give you my starting list, and you can add to it as you think of beliefs on which you want to focus. The categories will be a combination of simple, seemingly unimportant things and huge, significant life philosophies. For each category, it is your job to write what is your style, preference or belief.

  • Education: your beliefs and philosophy about education for yourself and your family

  • Politics: your political beliefs

  • Religion: your religious or spiritual beliefs

  • Parenting belief system: How do you want to raise your children and what are your priorities as a mother?

  • Love relationship: What are the most important things to you in a love relationship?

  • Men: Who is the ideal man for you; what are his characteristics?

  • Friends: What kind of friends are you attracted to?

  • Movies: What kind of movies do you like best?

  • Books: What kind of books are your favorites?

  • Jewelry: What is your style of jewelry?

  • Fashion: What is your style of clothing?

  • Cars: If you could buy whatever cars you wanted, which two would you choose?

  • Architecture and house style: What kind of architecture do you like?

  • Furniture: What are your favorite kinds of furniture?

  • Gemstone: your favorite gemstones

  • Weather: your favorite weather

  • Geography: your favorite landscape

  • Season: Which of the seasons is your favorite and why?

  • Music for listening: What kind of music do you like for pure listening and pleasure?

  • Music for dancing: What is your favorite dance music?

  • Leisure-time activity: What leisure-time activity do you like most?

  • Kick-up-your-heels fun: What activity do you love that brings you sheer joy?

  • Exercise: your favorite kind of exercise

  • Television show: What do you like to watch on television?

  • Food: your favorite foods to cook and eat

  • Restaurant: When you dine out, where do you most like to go?

  • Shopping place: What is your favorite shopping place?

  • Vacation: your ideal vacation

  • Sports to play: If you play sports, which do you enjoy most?

  • Sports to watch: If you watch sports, what is your favorite?

  • Color: What is your favorite color for wearing and decorating?

  • Fabrics: What is your favorite fabric for wearing and decorating?

  • Flowers: your favorite flowers

  • Conversation: your favorite kind of conversation; about what and with whom?

  • Favorite age group: What age group do you most like to hang out with?

  Add more as you go. The purpose here is to be writing and thinking about yourself through your thoughts, desires, preferences, beliefs, and values. We rarely take time to stop and ask ourselves these kinds of questions, and you will be surprised at how much “self” you already have and how much you do really know about you.

  If I Were Good Enough

  The next exercise can be very helpful if you spend time on it and think carefully about it. At the top of a page in your journal, you write the heading “If I Were Good Enough.” Then write about the things you would do if you felt good enough right now. “If I were good enough, I would———.” Keep at this until you have written at least ten things. I’m always surprised when I do this myself, as I find it can change from year to year. It is also a useful way to demonstrate that you have vanquished the old negative internal messages and that they are not controlling your choices any longer.

  After doing this exercise, read it to someone who loves you and get his or her reaction. Allow your internal mother to digest it as well. Then start doing the things on that list.

  Finding Your Interests in a Memory Exercise

  It worries me when I ask women what they are interested in and they say they don’t know. If this is the case for you, I want you to take some quiet time to think about what you liked to do as a small child. What kinds of things did you play with? Sometimes you can take a childhood activity and transfer it to an adult activity that fits your current interests beautifully. For example, when I did this, I remembered that before I turned seven, we lived in the country and rode Shetland ponies. I loved the horses and the countryside, but they also reminded me of country dancing and country music and I threw myself into those activities again. They are two of my favorite pastimes now. I also used to love to play paper dolls, which translates into a love of clothes and fashion today. Try this remembering exercise and see what you come up with.

  Perhaps you are aware of what interests you have but do not allow yourself the time to explore them or experience fun. To get in touch with the real you, you have to involve the child side of you to laugh and have a really good time. Don’t deny this core part of you any longer. Find what it is for you. Allow yourself both leisure-time enjoyment and what I call “kick up your heels” kind of fun. An example of these two different activities for me would be attending a spectacular musical, which I would find very enjoyable, versus dancing with a great dancer to my favorite music, which would be “kick up your heels” fun. You may love rock climbing for three days in the wilderness, but your girlfriend may prefer a Ritz-Carlton kind of vacation. Find out what constitutes pleasure and enjoyment and what is out-of-control, belly-laughing fun for you.

  When you do figure out your specific interests, then it is time to set up your schedule to include them in your life. You may suddenly be taking piano lessons or dance lessons or ski lessons. A client of mine recently started belly dancing and loves it—it’s great exercise and she laughs and has fun. Her husband likes it, too, when she has to practice at home. You may find that you want to explore some new things but have no one to do it with. If this is the case, it is important to make yourself do them alone. Going to movies, dancing, hiking, walking—whatever it is—do it alone. The time you spend with yourself is very important in improving your self-understanding and self-reliance. Time alone may seem like a luxury, but I assure you that this time spent on your own interests is very important to your recovery.

  Your age should never be a factor. I am working with several women in their fifties, sixties, and seventies who are just now getting to do things they always wanted to do and are finding great joy.

  Keep a list of the true interests you discover in your recovery journal. It helps to refer back to them and take encouragement from this aspect of your recovery whenever you find that you also have to do some painful processing. Recovery can have a fun side—in fact, it has to—so be sure to include this part. Being nice to yourself is a gift that you and your internal mother can provide regularly and reliably, as no one else can. Give permission! Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in believing that taking care of yourself and enjoying yourself is selfish. On the contrary, it is a vital, necessary part of your reco
very.

  Actually, Let’s Talk About Selfish

  Many daughters in recovery have been taught by their narcissistic mothers and our patriarchal culture that focusing on their own needs is selfish. Women are the primary “caretakers” of others and are asked to be in a giving mode at all times. And daughters of narcissistic mothers have also been treated as if they were not worthy of loving care. But, remember, you can’t give what you don’t have. People who are fulfilled have an overflow of love and energy and therefore can give freely of themselves to others without becoming exhausted. Their own tanks are full and charged, and they have energy to spare. If your spirit and energy are chronically depleted, if you are unhappy and unfulfilled, you will find it difficult to care for others. Thomas J. Leonard, personal coach and founder of Coach University, said it best:

  Creativity and excellence require selfishness. So does evolution. When you know you’re onto something—a potential breakthrough of any kind—you need the purest kind of focus and concentration possible. You need to answer to the callings of your heart and mind before you answer to the callings of the tribe. You need to accept that a reasonable and responsible level of selfishness builds long-term benefits for everyone you care about.5

  Physical Health

  Although I am not a medical doctor, this chapter would not be complete without mentioning the importance of your physical health. Because some daughters are at risk for sabotaging themselves and engaging in self-destructive behaviors, I want you to accept fully that taking good care of your health is mandatory. Sound mental health and recovery is not possible without your physical well-being. I will list only general health areas to make sure that you include these in your recovery plan. If you are not attending to one or more entries in the list below, ask yourself why and figure out the barrier so that you can overcome it. If you are having difficulty with something like an addiction, find an additional recovery program to enter so that you are getting the help you need. I compiled the following list after consulting with family practice physician James Gregory, M.D.6

  • Have a complete physical examination that includes a thorough history and set up an individual health plan with general testing related to your age requirements. Some examples are: a colonoscopy after age 50 and a bone density test after age 60.

  • Eat a balanced, nutritious diet.

  • Drink plenty of water (48 ounces of water daily, by eight-ounce glass).

  • Exercise regularly for at least 30 minutes, three times a week or more often. Include resistance training, e.g., weightlifting, in order to preserve bone density as well as aerobic exercise for general health.

  • Get regular dental examinations and cleanings twice a year.

  • Get adequate sleep at night. The amount of sleep varies with individual needs, but most physicians now recommend seven to eight hours a night. If you are tired, it means you need more. If you have good energy throughout the day, you are probably getting enough.

  • Address problems of excessive consumption. Eating too much, smoking, taking drugs, and drinking alcohol to excess are, of course, detrimental to long-term health.

  Talent Search

  The next area to assess is your talent. We are all born with some innate talent. It is your job to figure out what that talent is and pursue it if you desire. I have talked to many daughters of narcissistic mothers who are wildly talented in some area but have never pursued their talent because they do not believe in themselves. Some daughters are very aware of their talents because their mothers pushed them like showbiz moms, but are now burned out and not using what they know and can do. Others were never encouraged.

  If you have a special gift and want to use it, pursue it, and try it again, do so. Work on grieving and healing any memories connected with your mother that are preventing you from following your talent, reconnecting with it, picking it up again. Life is short and you were given certain aptitudes for a reason. You don’t have to be a superstar. Whatever you do will be good enough. This exercise is not meant for anyone else. This is for you! One daughter I worked with, a talented artist, did not want to paint and sell or start her own gallery, but she did want to use her talent. She ended up volunteering in art classes at her neighborhood school and loved it. Another daughter had a beautiful singing voice and started singing in the church choir. You can be very creative with how you use your talents. Allow the full you to be in operation now.

  Indulge Your Passions

  Not everyone has a passion, but if you do, don’t let this world go by without at least trying your hand at whatever brings you deep excitement and purpose. You must explore the things that stir your soul. You do not have to be the best at anything. You can strive to be the best if you choose to, but it is your choice now. You are good enough to try to do whatever you want. You are driving the bus of your own life journey.

  My passion is dance. I have dabbled in it for years and dance whenever I can. When I finish writing this book, I plan to explore every avenue of dance I can. This passion will take me into retirement doing something I dearly love. That’s what I hope for you too.

  Sit with your journal now and write about anything that brings you life and excitement. What is your deep personal interest and desire? Make yourself get in touch with a passion even if you feel like you don’t have one. Your passion can be something with social significance, something that helps others, or it can be something that is just for you—something you like to collect, read, cook, or track; sewing, scrapbooking, quilting, climbing, hiking—whatever.

  Hopefully, by doing the exercises offered in this chapter, you are further along in answering the important questions we started with:

  • What do I value most?

  • What makes me happy?

  • What gives me the deepest sense of fulfillment?

  • What are my passions and talents?

  You have learned to strengthen your internal mother in order to build your self-confidence and to become more self-reliant. You now know how to deal with “the collapse” and get beyond these setbacks.

  I hope you are feeling more positive about yourself and can relate to Amy, who says:

  • “My experience and my character are my gifts. I am a quirky chick now, but a very positive person. My life is my choice and I accept responsibility for my actions.”

  My client Bonnie said,

  • “I used to not be able to love myself; there was a dichotomy between what I knew and what I felt. I can feel that love for myself now and I am a free woman, finally!”

  You, too, gained the skills you need to build new internal strength. Now we move into the process of managing your relationship with your actual mother in a healthy, new manner.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  * * *

  MY TURN

  DEALING WITH MOTHER DURING RECOVERY

  Their mothers may be long dead or white-haired, and infirm, but still they have a profound hold on their daughters, who talk of them as though they were about to be sent to their rooms. How is this reign of terror by little old ladies possible?

  —Victoria Secunda, When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends1

  You have earned the right to be proud of yourself for a number of reasons, not least of which is all the self-healing work that you have accomplished. Now let’s figure out what to do about your mother if she is still around, still a part of your life in some way. You’ve changed, and she hasn’t. At this stage in your recovery, you must explore ways for you to manage your relationship with her and remain healthy yourself.

  Even though you are feeling stronger and have a more solid sense of self, you probably approach decisions about how to cope with Mother with trepidation. You might be asking yourself the following: “What can I say to her?” “Can she be fixed?” “How do I deal with her?” “Should I stay connected with her even though it is extremely difficult and painful for me?” Many daughters have tried various ways to avoid the train wrecks they go through with their narcissistic moth
ers. Frequently, though, they hit barriers, problems, and frustrations.

  • Virginia keeps trying, although she is ambivalent. Her current strategy is to call it like she sees it. By doing this, she hopes things will improve. “I am always fighting with her. I am a lot more confrontational with her than I ever was before. I don’t care what she says. I am more critical of her now. I call her a liar. I still have that hope that maybe I can fix it. If I give her enough evidence, maybe I could break through her barrier. Maybe I could help her. I’m so uncertain as to how it will turn out now.”

  • Nakia doesn’t want to change the way she deals with her mother. “I have been dealing with this situation for most of my life, and she has never gotten better. I have not gone for the ‘big confrontation,’ as she is 83 and I don’t want to ruin her remaining years. Our limited relationship for the past 15 years has been all about her—that seems to be the only way.”

  • Belva has little energy left for hope. “She is always baiting me and she loves to rile me up. It makes her happy and powerful to see me diminished. It leaves me exhausted and empty, and I don’t believe there is a solution.”

  • Teri recalls, “Sometimes I get so afraid of having to talk to her on the telephone, I have to psych myself up for it. A glass of wine also helps! I never know what she is going to say. I mean this woman criticizes trees! Always negative.”

  In this chapter, I offer suggestions on how to manage these difficult situations. It can be frustrating to figure out the healthy path to take with a narcissistic mother. It is a significant struggle, one that appears to leave many daughters feeling hopeless, helpless, and in pain. So, what can you do?