Book Read Free

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Page 22

by Karyl McBride


  3. These categories are defined by the Mountain States Employers Council, Inc., in the booklet Generations: Working Together, 6.

  4. Lewis Smedes, Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve (San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1993).

  5. Henry Nouwen, The Only Necessary Thing (New York: Crossroad, 1999).

  CHAPTER 14

  1. Alice Miller, online interview, 2006 www.alice-miller.com/interviews_en.php?page=2.

  2. Elan Golomb, Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self (New York: William Morrow, 1992), 199.

  3. American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 717.

  SUGGESTED READING AND MOVIE VIEWING SOURCE LISTS

  BOOKS

  Adams, Alice. Almost Perfect. New York: Washington Square Press, 1993.

  Agnew, Eleanor, and Robideaux, Sharon. My Mama’s Waltz. New York: Pocket Books, 1998.

  Apter, Terri. You Don’t Really Know Me: Why Mothers and Daughters Fight and How Both Can Win. New York: Norton, 2004.

  Bassoff, Evelyn. Mothers and Daughters: Loving and Letting Go. New York: New American Library, 1988.

  Beattie, Melody. Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time. Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation, 1989.

  ———. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. New York: Harper and Row, 1987.

  Beren, Phyllis. Narcissistic Disorders in Children and Adolescents. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1998.

  Bowlby, John. A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. London: HarperCollins, 1988.

  Boynton, Marilyn, and Dell, Mary. Goodbye Mother Hello Woman: Reweaving the Daughter Mother Relationship. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 1995.

  Brashich, Audrey D. All Made Up: A Girl’s Guide to Seeing Through Celebrity Hype . . .and Celebrating Real Beauty. New York: Walker, 2006.

  Brenner, Helene G. I Know I’m in There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity. New York: Penguin, 2003.

  Brown, Byron. Soul Without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge Within. Boston: Shambhala, 1999.

  Brown, Nina W. Loving the Self-Absorbed: How to Create a More Satisfying Relationship with a Narcissistic Partner. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2003.

  ———. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2001.

  Campbell, W. Keith. When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2005.

  Carter, Steven, and Sokol, Julia. Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist. New York: M. Evans, 2005.

  Chesler, Phyllis. Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman. New York: Avalon, 2001.

  Cloud, Townsend. The Mom Factor. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1996.

  Colman, Andrew M. Oxford Dictionary of Psychology. New York: Oxford University Press, 2001.

  Corkille Briggs, Dorothy. Celebrate Your Self: Making Life Work for You. New York: Doubleday, 1977.

  Cowan, Connell, and Kinder, Melvyn. Smart Women, Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men, Avoiding the Wrong Ones. New York: Signet, 1985.

  Debold, Elizabeth; Wilson, Marie; and Malavé, Idelisse. Mother Daughter Revolution: From Good Girls to Great Women. New York: Bantam, 1994.

  Delinsky, Barbara. For My Daughters. New York: HarperCollins, 1994.

  Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, and Pressman, Robert M. The Narcissistic Family. New York: Lexington Books, 1994.

  Drabble, Margaret. The Peppered Moth. Orlando, FL: Harcourt, 2001.

  Edelman, Hope. Motherless Daughters. New York: Addison-Wesley, 1995.

  Elium, Don, and Elium, Jeanne. Raising a Daughter: Parents and the Awakening of a Healthy Woman. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 1994.

  Ellis, Albert, and Harper, Robert. A. A Guide to Rational Living. Chatsworth, CA: Wilshire, 1974.

  Fenchel, Gerd H. The Mother-Daughter Relationship: Echoes Through Time. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1998.

  Flook, Marie. My Sister Life. New York: Random House, 1998.

  Forrest, Gary G. Alcoholism, Narcissism and Psychopathology. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1994.

  Forward, Susan. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. New York: Bantam, 1989.

  Fox, Paula. Borrowed Finery. New York: Henry Holt, 1999.

  Friday, Nancy. My Mother, My Self: The Daughter’s Search for Identity. New York: Dell, 1977

  Golomb, Elan. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self. New York: William Morrow, 1992.

  Herst, Charney. For Mothers of Difficult Daughters: How to Enrich and Repair the Bond in Adulthood. New York: Random House, 1998.

  Hirigoyen, Marie-France. Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity. New York: Helen Marx Books, 2000.

  Hotchkiss, Sandy. Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002.

  Judd, Wynonna. Coming Home to Myself. New York: Penguin, 2005.

  Karen, Robert. Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love. New York: Warner, 1994.

  Kieves, Tama. This Time I Dance! Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love. New York: Penguin, 2002.

  Lachkar, Joan. The Many Faces of Abuse: Treating the Emotional Abuse of High-Functioning Women. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1998.

  ———. The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple: The Psychoanalytic Perspective on Marital Treatments. Philadelphia, PA: Brunner/Mazel, 1992.

  Lazarre, Jane. The Mother Knot. New York: Dell, 1976.

  Lowen, Alexander. Narcissism: Denial of the True Self. New York: Touchstone, 1985.

  Masterson, James F. The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1988.

  Meadow, Phyllis W., and Spotnitz, Hyman. Treatment of the Narcissistic Neurosis. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1995.

  Michaels, Lynn. Mother of the Bride. New York: Ballantine, 2002.

  Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, 3rd ed. New York: HarperCollins, 1996.

  Minuchin, Salvador. Families and Family Therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1974.

  Morrison, Andrew P. Essential Papers on Narcissism. New York: New York University Press, 1986.

  Northrup, Christiane. Mother-Daughter Wisdom: Understanding the Crucial Link Between Mothers, Daughters and Health. New York: Bantam Doubleday Dell, 2005.

  Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1985.

  O’Neill, Eugene. Long Day’s Journey Into Night. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 1956.

  Peck, M. Scott. People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983.

  Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. New York: Ballantine, 1994.

  Richo, David. How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving. Boston: Shambhala, 2002.

  Robinson, Marilynne. Housekeeping. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1980.

  Schiraldi, Glenn R. The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Source Book: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2000.

  Secunda, Victoria. When Madness Comes Home: Help and Hope for Children, Siblings, and Partners of the Mentally Ill. New York: Hyperion, 1997.

  ———. When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life. New York: Dell, 1990.

  Snyderman, Nancy, and Streep, Peg. Girl in the Mirror: Mothers and Daughters in the Years of Adolescence. New York: Hyperion, 2002.

  Solomon, Marion F. Narcissism and Intimacy: Love and Marriage in an Age of Confusion. New York: W. W. Norton, 1992.

  Sprinkle, Patricia H
. Women Who Do Too Much: How to Stop Doing It All and Start Enjoying Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992.

  Stansbury, Nicole. Places to Look for a Mother. New York: Carroll & Graf, 2002.

  Stone, Hal, and Stone, Sidra. Embracing Your Inner Critic. New York: HarperCollins, 1993.

  Ulanov, Ann and Barry. Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and the Envying. Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1983.

  Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow. New York: Ballantine, 1986.

  Wells, Rebecca. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. New York: HarperCollins, 1996.

  Wilde, Oscar. The Picture of Dorian Gray. New York: Barnes and Noble, 1995.

  Williams, Tennessee. The Glass Menagerie. New York: Random House, 1945.

  Williamson, Marianne. A Woman’s Worth. New York: Random House, 1993.

  Wurmser, Leon. The Mask of Shame. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1995.

  Yudofsky, Stuart C. Fatal Flaws: Navigating Destructive Relationships with People with Disorders of Personality and Character. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing, 2005.

  MOVIES, WITH DIRECTORS (MOST ARE AVAILABLE ON VIDEOCASSETTE OR DVD.)

  Baby Boom, 1987 (Charles Shyer)

  Beaches, 1988 (Garry Marshall)

  Because I Said So, 2007 (Michael Lehmann)

  Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, 2002 (Callie Khouri)

  Georgia Rule, 2007 (Garry Marshall)

  Gia, 1998 (Michael Cristofer)

  Gypsy, 1962 (Mervyn LeRoy)

  Mermaids, 1990 (Richard Benjamin)

  Miss Potter, 2006 (Chris Noonan)

  Mommie Dearest, 1981 (Frank Perry)

  Mona Lisa Smile, 2003 (Mike Newell)

  Ordinary People, 1980 (Robert Redford)

  Pieces of April, 2003 (Peter Hedges)

  Postcards from the Edge, 1990 (Mike Nichols)

  Prozac Nation, 2003 (Erik Skjoldbjaerg)

  Something to Talk About, 1995 (Lasse Hallstrom)

  Terms of Endearment, 1983 (James L. Brooks)

  The Devil Wears Prada, 2006 (David Frankel)

  The Mother, 2003 (Roger Michell)

  The Other Sister, 1999 (Garry Marshall)

  The Perfect Man, 2005 (Mark Rosman)

  White Oleander, 2002 (Peter Kosminsky)

  INDEX

  A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.

  A

  Abandonment, fear of, 71, 113, 187

  Abuse and neglect, 11, 41–44

  Acceptance, 137, 140–43, 145, 152. See also Grieving

  Accomplishment-oriented mother, 48–50, 88

  Accomplishments, overemphasis on. See also High-achieving daughter

  with one’s own children, 129–30, 209, 210–11

  sibling extremes in, 67–68

  Accountability, 199, 208

  Addicted mother, 53–54

  Addictions, 53–54, 101, 103, 130, 176. See also Alcohol abuse

  Admiration, excessive requirement for, 9

  Age, refusal to be limited by, 175

  Alcohol abuse, 61, 103, 107. See also Addictions

  All Made Up (Brashich), 82

  American Psychiatric Association, 8

  Amy and Isabelle (Strout), 153

  Anger, 28, 125–26, 145

  Appearances. See Image

  Approval, futile attempts to win, 19–20

  Arrogance

  high-achiever’s fear of, 93

  of narcissistic mothers, 10

  Art of Loving, The (Fromm), 109

  Authenticity. See also Real self

  encouraging in children, 130, 211–12

  image vs., 84

  B

  Baby boom generation, 197–98

  Bargaining (stage of grief), 145

  Basketball analogy, 114, 117

  Beaches (film), 46

  Blame, 113, 140, 202, 208

  Body image, 82, 83

  Body Work (television program), 81

  Bonding, failure of, 11–13

  Bone density test, 176

  Boundaries

  lack of, 33–35, 73

  in romantic relationships, 215

  setting with children, 207, 208, 212

  setting with friends, 216–17

  setting with mother, 186, 187–90, 193

  Bowen, Murray, 185

  Bradshaw, Cathryn, 57

  Brashich, Audrey, 82

  Breast implants, 77, 83

  Brothers, 64–67. See also Sons

  C

  Children, 123–32, 203–12. See also Parenting

  author’s, 83, 204, 207–8

  divorce and, 44–45

  empathy toward, 128–29, 206–8

  encouraging authenticity in, 130, 211–12

  entitlement in, 208, 209

  fear of failing with, 123–25

  fear of having, 105

  finding the middle ground with, 125–27, 132

  instilling values in, 209–10

  modeling the not-good-enough message, 127–28, 204

  overemphasis on accomplishments, 129–30, 209, 210–11

  praising, 126–27, 209

  respecting feelings of, 130

  “Cinderella” (fairy tale), 158

  Civil connection, 185

  Clarkson, Patricia, 27

  Cleaning, overemphasis on, 19–20, 50, 188

  Coach University, 175

  Codependent relationships, 69, 109–10, 118–19

  beliefs associated with, 112

  described, 113–17

  recovery and, 215

  Collage, real-woman, 171

  Collapse, 163, 165–69

  Colonoscopy, 176

  Commitments, making and keeping, 160

  Competition, maternal, 26

  Creativity, 160

  Criticism, 30–31. See also Internal critic

  Cultural influences

  idealization of motherhood and, 13

  on image, 76, 80–83

  D

  Daughters-in-law, 64–65

  Deceased mothers, 77, 104, 184, 194

  Denial, 13–14, 145

  Dependent relationships, 69, 109–10

  beliefs associated with, 112

  described, 117–19

  recovery and, 215

  Depression, 25–26

  as grief stage, 145–46

  in narcissists, 69

  self-saboteur and, 101, 102–3, 104

  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), 8, 165–66, 217–18

  Distorted love, 6, 7, 109

  Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (Wells), 37, 53, 120

  Divorce, 44–45, 110, 111

  “Does Your Mother Have Narcissistic Traits?” (questionnaire), 15–16

  Doll therapy, 151

  Donaldson-Pressman, Stephanie, 59, 88

  Dove Corporation, 82–83

  Dr. 90210 (television program), 81

  Drabble, Margaret, 99

  Drastic Plastic Surgery (television program), 81

  Dreams, 12, 89

  DSM. See Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

  E

  Eating disorders, 101, 102. See also Weight, preoccupation with

  EMDR. See Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

  Emotionally needy mother, 56–57

  Empathy

  lack of, 10, 11, 27–28

  toward children, 128–29, 206–8

  Emptiness, feeling of, 11, 118

  Empty chair (exercise), 60

  Engulfing mother, 37–40, 69

  characteristics of, 38–40

  daughter’s parenting skills
and, 126

  ignoring behaviors in, 45–46

  separating from, 154

  Entitlement

  appropriate expectations, 72–73, 160

  in children, 208, 209

  narcissists’ belief in, 9, 72

  in romantic relationships, 114, 118

  Envy and jealousy

  coping with, 157–58, 161

  in friendships, 217

  of the high achiever, 94

  of mothers toward daughters, 21–23

  as a narcissistic trait, 10

  Exercise, 176–77

  Exercises

  empty chair, 60

  finding interests in a memory, 174–75

  “If I Were Good Enough,” 173

  real-woman collage, 171

  talking to your inner child, 150–51

  uncovering values, 171–73

  Exploitative behavior, 9–10

  Extreme Makeover (television program), 81

  Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), 151, 159

  F

  Families, 59–73. See also Brothers; Fathers; Sisters

  healthy, 69–70

  hierarchy of, 69–71, 212

  Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (Bowen), 185

  Fantasies, narcissistic, 8–9

  Fathers, 59–64

  author’s, 28

  mothers’ criticism of, 33

  mothers’ jealousy and, 23, 45, 63–64

  mothers’ subjugation of, 59–63, 71

  psychosomatic mother and, 52

  Feelings

  capacity to experience, 160

  family dynamics and, 71

  ignoring mother and, 40–41

  image vs., 75–76

  inability to deal with, 28–30

  processing of, 138–39

  respecting children’s, 130

  in romantic relationships, 113

  Fisher, Carrie, 76

  Flamboyant-extrovert mother, 46–48

  Forgiveness, 198–200

  Friend role (in parent-child relationship), 31–33, 130–31, 212

  Friendships, 216–17

  Fromm, Erich, 109

  Fun, 174

  G

  Generations: Working Together (booklet), 196–97

  Generation X, 197–98

  Generation Y, 81, 197

  Gifts

  mother’s, 201

  rejection of, 19, 20

  GI generation, 197

  Girls, Inc., 81

  Giving Away Simone (Waldron), 17

  Golomb, Elan, 3, 203

  Grandiose feelings, 8, 69

  Gregory, James, 176

  Grieving, 137, 139, 140, 143– 152, 165, 199. See also Acceptance

 

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