The Wisdom of Menopause

by Christiane Northrup

  TELLING THE TRUTH

  At midlife, more and more women become comfortable with telling the truth about their sexuality—to themselves and to others. Here are some areas you might want to reevaluate.

  ~ COME TO TERMS WITH YOUR OWN SEXUALITY. All humans are sexual by nature—it’s part of being human. Women undergo vaginal lubrication at regular intervals during sleep, and men get erections. But how you choose to express your sexuality when you’re awake will depend upon many factors, including your upbringing, your hormone levels, your general overall health, and your level of satisfaction with your sexual partner, if you currently have one. The most important thing I’d like all women to know is that through the power of their thoughts and emotions, they can learn how to turn themselves on and feel more sexually desirable. This change alone can be revolutionary.

  ~ STOP KEEPING SCORE. What is a normal sex life? Only you can answer that question for yourself. To help you find your personal truth about this issue, let me remind you that we live in a society that often confuses quantity with quality. Even the medical profession equates the quality of one’s sex life with the frequency of intercourse. This is a gross disservice to couples everywhere, many of whom will inevitably feel they don’t measure up. For perspective, you may find it comforting to know that a recent study from the University of Chicago pointed out that it’s pretty common for couples to have intercourse three times per month and be completely satisfied with that. Ask yourself the following question, and answer it honestly: if your life were ideal, how much time would you like to devote each week to being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner? You can always improve your sex life by intending to do so!

  ~ RESPECT YOUR INHERENT SEX DRIVE. Sex therapist Patricia Love, Ed. D., notes that people can be divided into three different categories when it comes to innate sex drive: high, moderate, and low.30 Individuals with relatively high testosterone levels (high T’s) tend to have a higher sex drive than those with lower levels (low T’s), while those with low T levels often find that after the initial honeymoon period of a relationship wanes, it takes a lot of energy for them to initiate or become interested in being sexual. Because it’s not uncommon for a high-T individual to be attracted to a low-T person, there’s a good chance that a couple’s sexual appetites may differ from time to time. But this doesn’t make either of them “wrong” or “abnormal.”

  And although our culture teaches us there is something wrong with us if we can’t keep our sex life at its original fever pitch, the truth is that the initial emotional and physiological high of a new sexual relationship eventually needs to be replaced by a more consciously created and sophisticated form of passion and intimacy.

  ~ PRACTICE SAFE SEX. Many of today’s perimenopausal women came of age during the 1970s, when, for many, having multiple sexual partners was common. And many were married or in monogamous relationships by the time the AIDS epidemic emerged in the early 1980s. If you’ve been divorced or widowed since then, you may have little awareness of the risk you face from unprotected sex. You need to know that 11 percent of new HIV infections are among people over fifty, and that from 1991 to 1996 HIV in that population rose more than twice as fast as among young adults.31

  It is all too easy to assume that anyone you would partner with is probably not infected. You may be a good judge of character, but a sexual partner is only as safe as every partner he or she has ever had. Remember also that there are many other STDs out there, including genital herpes, genital warts, and hepatitis B. Perimenopausal and postmenopausal women are at greater risk for contracting all STDs than are younger women.32 The decrease in vaginal lubrication and the thinning of the vaginal walls make it easier for microscopic tears to occur during intercourse, creating an entry point for bacteria and viruses.

  Safe sex means keeping your partner’s body fluids out of your vagina, anus, and mouth until you are certain you are safe together. Body fluids include semen, vaginal secretions, blood, and the discharge from STD lesions, such as herpetic sores. Though most people reduce the concept of safe sex to the use of a condom, it is really much larger than that. It includes being honest with yourself about the risk you face from unprotected sex with a partner whose STD status is unknown to you. It also includes waiting to have sex with someone until you know each other well enough to discuss your sexual history, and such issues as using a condom and/or getting a blood test. Though this kind of conversation is rarely easy, it is a good test of the intimacy that is possible between you and your partner.

  ~ USE CONTRACEPTION IF REQUIRED. I’ve seen all too many change-of-life pregnancies in women who were absolutely sure they could not get pregnant and who thought diapers and car seats were out of their lives for good. Even if you are skipping periods regularly, you can still be ovulating. The general rule is that you should use contraception for a full year after your last menstrual period. Obviously, you won’t know exactly when that is until you have reached the one-year mark.

  TEN STEPS TO REKINDLING LIBIDO

  Psychiatrist Helen Singer Kaplan, a pioneer in the field of human sexuality, originated the term “hot monogamy,” using it to refer to the potential for enduring sexual passion in a committed, monogamous relationship. Dr. Love has identified several factors that can help sustain that state of desire. As she explains in her book Hot Monogamy, they all interconnect with each other, so progress in one area will have beneficial effects in the others.33

  1. COMMUNICATION. Even if you and your partner haven’t talked much about your sexual relationship until now, being able to talk easily about sexual changes will become increasingly important. Simply letting your partner know what is going on with you is a good first step, and it can pave the way to discussing adjustments you’d like to make. I also recommend that you read Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts (Simon & Schuster, 2002) and Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men (Simon & Schuster, 2003), both by Regena Thomashauer. Both books are filled with wonderful, uplifting, and practical advice for accessing your feminine power in a relationship.

  2. MOOD. At midlife, women must take responsibility for getting in the mood, even if desire doesn’t arise as spontaneously as it used to. A fifty-six-year-old colleague told me that for her, “getting older means deciding to have a sex life, instead of being driven to it.” (For help in this regard, see “Sensuality,” below.) The good news is that getting in the mood is a choice that begins in your mind! Remember, energy follows awareness. And awareness depends on nothing except your willingness to pay attention.

  3. INTIMACY. Take time to make the personal connection. There is nothing more conducive to a good sex life than the ability to share one’s thoughts and feelings with one’s partner on a regular basis. One of the really nice things about midlife is that we often have more time to spend with our partners than ever before. That time can translate into a second honeymoon. One of my male colleagues and his wife went on a prolonged European vacation—their first significant time away since their four children were born. When I asked him about the trip, he told me, “We got acquainted all over again. I remembered why I had married her in the first place.” Another one of my patients described how rejuvenating it was to be able to make love without children in the house. She laughed and said, “We can be loud!”

  4. TECHNIQUE AND AWARENESS. As I already stated, women are orgasmatrons, meaning that by nature we are multiorgasmic and capable of experiencing a great deal of pleasure. Most women haven’t even begun to reach the fullness of their pleasure potential because of things such as religious shame, sexual abuse, an uncaring partner, or simple lack of information. Midlife is a great time to change all that! Each of us can learn to turn herself on through regular practice. Remember, energy follows awareness. And just being aware of your erotic anatomy and feeling the tingling or increased blood flow that results from that awareness is a great start. Then add Kegel exercises to that awareness, feeling the increased blood flow each time. Vera Bodansky, Ph.D., co-author of The Il
lustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm (Hunter House, 2002) with her husband, Steve Bodansky, Ph.D., teaches us to “enjoy every stroke.” The Bodanskys also teach that the orgasm begins with the first involuntary contraction of the pubococcygeus muscle (the so-called love muscle), which is the same muscle group that you contract with a Kegel exercise.

  The Bodanskys’ book is actually a biofeedback manual in which you teach yourself how to feel more and more with less and less stimulation. That’s right—you can actually train your body, through your awareness, to feel more! This is a practice best done without a vibrator. I have nothing against these devices, but over time, if you don’t wake up other pleasure pathways, a vibrator can dull feelings, and you will need increasing amounts of stimulation to feel anything. Your goal is to tune in to your pleasure so exquisitely that you can turn yourself on with a simple touch. Please know that some women are able to have an orgasm simply from nipple or earlobe stimulation! I suggest that you start practicing on your own. In fact, it’s completely possible to have a good sex life on your own. And the good news there is that waking yourself up sexually makes you more magnetic and more attractive to a potential partner, if that is your desire.

  Learning to pleasure yourself and feel all the different erotic areas in your body is invaluable when it comes to making love with a partner, because you’ve already discovered, and can teach, what works for you and what doesn’t. Believe me, men are not born knowing this any more than you are. And part of becoming a new partner at midlife involves waking yourself up to yourself.

  5. SEXUAL VARIETY. Both you and your partner need to explore your willingness to add creativity, fun, and novelty to your lovemaking. To help you, I recommend the DVD 10 Secrets to Great Sex (www.bettersex.com). I also highly recommend taking workshops as well as online courses or trainings that help increase your life force and aliveness. Try the following resources: Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts (www.mamagenas.com), the Divine Feminine-Awakened Masculine Institute (www.divine-feminine.com), and Sheri Winston’s Center for the Intimate Arts (www.intimateartscenter.com).

  6. ROMANCE. You and your partner need to learn how to show love for each other in concrete ways. Flowers, cards, special nights out, and so forth are all part of what it takes to keep romance alive.

  7. BODY IMAGE. Dr. Love describes body image as “your inner image of your outer self.” Many women don’t feel good about their bodies because we’ve learned to compare ourselves with the airbrushed, perfect models we see in the media. This is especially true when our bodies start changing at midlife. When we feel bad about our bodies, it is very difficult to be fully present for lovemaking. Here’s the good news: men don’t care nearly as much as you think. I’ve asked dozens of them. They just want a woman who wants them and who is fun to be with. If body image is a problem for you, stand in front of a mirror twice a day for thirty days, look deeply into your own eyes, and say out loud, “I accept myself unconditionally right now.” Spend time admiring yourself in the mirror—an exercise that works especially well when the room is lit by candlelight. The more you do this, the more illuminated you will feel. This may sound silly, but it works—and it can instantly point out to you the areas in your life that need love and compassion. The more you enjoy your body yourself, the more erotic you’ll feel. Feeling sexy starts as an inside job with your thoughts and beliefs.

  8. SENSUALITY. To enhance your libido, you must be willing to relax and involve all your senses in your lovemaking. You also have to give up the “goal” of orgasm and instead just allow yourself to feel. That’s what sensuality is all about—coming home to the goodness of your body.

  Sight. According to feng shui, the Chinese art of placement, the bedroom should be a place of rest and relaxation, not a place to pay bills or watch television. The bedroom should also be a sensual place. To help make it so, choose bedroom wall and sheet colors with your partner that will enhance the romance of your surroundings.

  Many couples enjoy watching sensual movies together. Most women, including me, find that sensual movies need a good sound track, a good story, and good lighting. Some suggestions include Emmanuelle I and II, Delta of Venus, and Two Moon Junction. Many women also like erotic literature, which tends to leave more to the imagination than graphic movies. I personally like the erotic stories compiled by Lonnie Barbach, such as Pleasures and The Erotic Edge. Anaïs Nin’s erotica (Delta of Venus and Little Birds) has also stood the test of time. Romance novels can help get you in the mood, too. Here are two of my favorites, both of which have great erotic sections: The Valley of Horses, by Jean Auel, and Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon. Note: be selective when it comes to erotic material and make sure that the movies, photos, or books you look at are not degrading to women in any way. Nothing is a bigger turnoff. Lovemaking should be an activity that enhances the well-being and self-esteem of both partners. If you are currently with a partner whose sexual demands feel degrading to you, get outside help.

  Smell. Women are more attuned to the sense of smell than men are, and we often prefer different odors than men do. You and your partner will need to be honest with each other about odors one of you might find offensive, such as sweat, bad breath, and the like. Aromatherapy can be wonderful—but you must agree on a scent.

  Speaking of scent, the science of pheromones, though just in its infancy, is fascinating. It has been well documented by the research of Winnifred Cutler, Ph.D., and others that pheromones are important sexual attractant molecules secreted by glands in the armpits and pubic areas. When women are ovulating, they secrete a pheromone that increases their attractiveness to men. Men also secrete pheromones that make them more attractive to women. Women who’ve had hysterectomies may have a decreased amount of pheromone secretion—and midlife women who are no longer ovulating may have the same thing. But the good news is that commercially available pheromones can be added to your perfume or just applied to your skin. Though more studies need to be done, there’s enough information (and anecdotal evidence) on the effectiveness of pheromones that I wouldn’t hesitate to give them a try and see what happens with your sex life and sex appeal. (See the Athena Institute at www.athenainstitute.com, or Love Scent at www.love-scent.com.) Just remember, feeling sexy is the most powerful sex attractant there is.

  Touch. Practice giving each other foot and shoulder rubs. Learn to receive. You’d be amazed at how many women have difficulty lying still and receiving pleasure in this way. Practice telling your partner what feels good and what doesn’t. Notice that the lighter the touch, the more you feel. Approve of every stroke! Don’t forget the clitoris! Roughly 75 percent of women don’t reach orgasm through intercourse. Instead, try oral sex or manual sex, or try the woman-on-top position.

  Taste. Many options are available in this area if it appeals to you, such as flavored oils, chocolate, whipped cream, honey, and so on.

  Sound. For many reasons, we’ve all been taught to keep quiet when having sex. But making sounds and keeping our mouths and throats open and relaxed greatly enhance pleasure. So practice making a variety of different sounds when making love, whether alone or with a partner. It’s also very useful to give positive feedback to a partner. Steve and Vera Bodansky teach women to make a list of affirmative words to say to their mates when they are getting it right. Examples include “yes,” “more, please,” “oh, that feels great,” and so on. Men want to get it right. And they want positive feedback when they do!

  Use sensual music to set the mood. Turn on the answering machine to intercept the phone and make sure that others aren’t around or that the door is locked. Nothing is more distracting for most women during lovemaking than the fear that one of the children might walk in at any minute.

  9. PASSION. Dr. Love notes that it is not possible to be passionately in love with a person you don’t know. She describes passion as the “ability to combine intense feelings of arousal with love for your partner.” However far we may have strayed from this state, it is certainly a destination to which w
e can all aspire—an example of what is possible at midlife as our kundalini energy rises to our hearts and we achieve a fusion of sexuality and spirituality not just in our genitals, but in our hearts and souls as well.

  10. TAP INTO THE POWER OF PLEASURE. Deciding to feel pleasure and take pleasure in your life is an act of courage. It also takes discipline. Nothing is easier than allowing yourself to be sad, depressed, and unhappy. That’s the norm. But this needn’t be the case. The brain is the biggest sex organ in the body. Your ability to choose how you think about sex and pleasure of all kinds is your most powerful ally in reinventing yourself sexually at midlife. A woman’s desire—her ability to get turned on—is one of the most potent aphrodisiacs in the world. And remember that a turned-on woman who is fun is what turns on a man—and other women. Ultimately, it’s not love that keeps couples together. It’s fun. At midlife, you have to reinvent the fun. A woman who feels irresistible and desirable has the ability to turn herself on and thus enjoy a far more pleasurable life. Her life force and enthusiasm are contagious. If you don’t currently have a partner, cultivate a sensual relationship with yourself. The sexier and more attractive you become (for yourself), the happier and healthier you’ll be.