First Loser

by Charity Parkerson

  The bedroom door swung inward and the light from the hallway hit Henry in the face. Tanner froze in the open doorway. Henry waved—like the idiot he was. “Hi. Toby said I could wait in here.”

  Tanner stepped inside and closed the door behind him. With his gaze averted, he tossed his keys on the dresser. “Did you pay him too?”

  Henry tried not to wince at the question. “No. Actually, we took a drive and I told him all about how I’m a huge dumbass who doesn’t know how to talk about my feelings. He took pity on me.”

  Tanner turned away and emptied his pockets on the dresser. “I’ve never tried to press you into talking about your feelings.”

  “I know, which is good because I suck at that. But I think you need me to try. I think I need to try, because I’m obviously failing you.” Tanner didn’t look his way. He kept his back turned, staring at the wall. Henry could practically feel the hurt rolling from him. It was now or never. “When I was your age, I fell in love with a bank manager at one of my father’s banks.”

  Tanner ran his hands through his hair, leaving it standing on end. The way the muscles in his arms flexed distracted Henry for a moment. He finally turned. A flash of irritation crossed Tanner’s face. “You broke into my room to tell me that? Thanks. Nice chat.”

  Henry swallowed. He wasn’t used to Tanner’s anger. Now, a general disappointment from everyone he ever cared about, that he was used to, but he hated Tanner’s anger. “No. Sorry. I got distracted by your… never mind. Back to my story. My dad found out about my relationship with Gerard. He knew I was gay. He’d always known. I’ve been fabulous my whole life.” Tanner didn’t laugh. Henry cleared his throat uncomfortably and pressed on. “But other people knowing and seeing me with another man, that wasn’t happening. That wasn’t allowed. Not on his watch.”

  Tanner leaned back against the edge of his dresser. Even though his arms were crossed over his chest, he held Henry’s stare. Henry took it as a win and kept talking.

  “So, one day, he pulled Gerard aside and made Gerard an offer he couldn’t refuse. If Gerard would stop seeing me, he would promote Gerard to district manager and double his salary. Or he could keep seeing me, lose his job, and Gerard would never work again. And just in case he thought to give up everything and let me take care of him, I would be disowned.” Telling the story of Gerard didn’t even hurt anymore. More than anything, the memory pissed him off. “Obviously, he didn’t choose me. Who would have, right? But that one story, is just one of countless times that I let my father completely control every aspect of my life. I was so controlled, I may as well have been a puppet on a string. By the time he passed, five years ago, freeing me, I no longer knew how to handle relationships. The only lesson Dad ever taught me was that everyone could be bought and there was no one or nothing that couldn’t be controlled for the right price.” Henry took a breath. He didn’t know if telling Tanner the truth helped or hurt, but Henry cared. He had to try. “Paying you. Buying that cabin to be near you. I know you don’t see it, but that’s the only way I know how to communicate. When we’re together, you make me feel too much and confessions clog my throat, but I don’t know how to say what’s crushing my brain and my chest. So, I revert to what I know—money talks. If I pay you for your time, then maybe you’ll see that I care about you and want to take care of you. Of course, it never works. I’m so damn frustrated with myself that when I get back to California, I spend two weeks tearing my hair out, and trying to find a way to do things right with you. It’s torture, because you’re perfect. You have all the words. I just have money and a shit ton of thoughts and feelings about you that I don’t know how to express. Tell me what to do.” Henry blinked, fighting the stinging behind his eyes. He didn’t know how to save them. He didn’t know how to do anything.

  Tanner uncrossed his arms and crossed them again. He looked uncomfortable and angry—like a man who didn’t want to hear excuses. Finally, he pushed away from the dresser. “I’d like to try something, okay? An experiment.”

  Henry nodded. He would do anything. “Whatever you want. Whatever it takes.”

  Tanner crossed the room and came to stand over him. It was a bit intimidating. “Say whatever you’re thinking right now. No matter what it is. I don’t care if it even has anything to do with anything we’re talking about. Hell, I don’t care if it’s gibberish. Whatever it is, say it.”

  He didn’t hesitate. Henry wanted to be told what to do. “I’m wondering if you kissed that boy.”

  Tanner’s mouth lifted in one corner. “Are you having me followed?”

  “No. You told me where you were going. I tried to find you so I could apologize. You were leaving with him when I got there.”

  “I didn’t kiss him.” Tanner set one knee on the bed. “What are you thinking now?”

  “I’m glad you didn’t.”

  “Why?” Tanner asked as he crawled closer.

  Henry licked his lips. “Those are my kisses. I don’t want to share them.”

  Tanner’s smile grew. He straddled Henry’s lap, keeping his weight balanced on his knees. Tanner kept coming until Henry was on his back with a humongous man braced above him. “Keep talking, even if the words don’t make sense.” Tanner kissed his jaw and neck, making it hard for Henry to focus, but he tried.

  “When you left, I was so scared I wouldn’t get to see you again. Actually, I’m always terrified you don’t intend to see me again, because I know I’m dumb. Every time I leave without trying harder to make this real, I know I’m hurting you, but I don’t know how to ask for what I want.” Henry swallowed as Tanner moved lower, nibbling his collarbone.

  “Keep going.”

  At Tanner’s urging, Henry scrambled to find words. He didn’t want Tanner to stop. “It’s stupid, but I feel very much at your mercy. You don’t need me for anything. At any time, you can walk away like you did today. You have this gorgeous house. My money means nothing. Even your family is great. All I have to offer is me and that’s nothing at all.”

  Tanner froze with his lips pressed to the center of Henry’s chest. His gorgeous green gaze lifted and fixated upon Henry’s face. Even though Tanner’s cheeks were flushed with desire, something darker flashed in his eyes. “You are not nothing.”

  The hard edge to Tanner’s voice made Henry squirm. “Okay.”

  Tanner crawled higher. His gaze never wavered. “I don’t care what you’ve been told in the past, or why you’ve come to think that, but you’re mine. You don’t get to think you’re nothing. Understood?”

  Henry nodded. His voice failed him.

  Tanner didn’t soften. “Don’t think. Just answer honestly. What do you want?”

  “You.” Henry didn’t have to think. That much he knew without a single doubt. He wanted Tanner, but Henry couldn’t stop there. “I want you in my home and bed, where I can see you every day and know you’re mine. I know that’s too much too soon, but that’s what I want. For once, I want to know someone I care about cares about me too.”

  Tanner sat back on his heels and stared down at Henry in stony silence. He didn’t speak until Henry thought he would scream. “Your home is in California.”

  “I know.”

  “I can’t leave my brothers, and we just started a new business.”

  Henry had known all of that, but it still hurt. That pain showed in his voice. “Yeah, I know, but you asked me to be honest.”

  Tanner’s serious expression never wavered. “But I don’t see why I couldn’t go for a few weeks, though. Maybe if you have me under your roof, you’ll finally realize that I’m in love with you and you’re blind as fuck for not seeing it.”

  With his brain frozen, Henry didn’t react. He couldn’t.

  Tanner’s expression hardened to the point Henry couldn’t read him at all. “Go ahead,” Tanner taunted. “Tell me again I only want you if you buy me.”

  Henry swallowed—hard. “No.”

  Despite Henry’s response, Tanner still didn’t soften. “If you tr
y to pay me again, I’m done. If you really want me, it’s time to finally act like it, baby.” His voice lost a bit of its hard edge, but the pain that showed in Tanner’s eyes crippled Henry. “I need you to act like it,” Tanner said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper.

  Henry rolled upward and wrapped his arms around Tanner’s waist. With his chin tilted up, he held Tanner’s stare. He needed Tanner to see he took the moment to heart. “I’ve never been prouder of anyone than I am you. When I watch you talk to people, I can see your generosity and loving spirit flowing into every word and gesture. It humbles me that you would even look my way. Maybe I don’t know how to express myself as good as other people, but there’s no one in this entire world who wants you as much as I do. I’m sorry that I made you doubt yourself, me, and us. Please don’t give up on me.” Even Henry heard the desperation in his voice. He didn’t care. All Henry cared about was Tanner. While he had made a ton of mistakes in his life and wasted countless years being controlled, he couldn’t walk away from Tanner without knowing he had done everything in his power to hang onto him. Pride meant nothing.

  “I think you should strip so we can cuddle.”

  Henry blinked. “We have to be nude to cuddle?”

  “Well, yeah. That way, when you fall asleep in my arms, you’ll be comfortable.”

  Henry’s fingers found their way beneath Tanner’s shirt. He stroked the small of Tanner’s back. “Will you ever let me take care of you? I’m not talking about with money. Will it ever be my turn to make sure you’ve eaten or gotten enough sleep? Do I get to bring you any comfort?”

  Tanner held his stare, looking as serious as always. “You’re so blind.”

  He was, but still. “Why?”

  The way Tanner’s huge shoulders lifted almost distracted Henry as Tanner shrugged, but his intense stare held Henry too captivated. “Because you can’t see that you’re the only warmth in my life.”

  There was a pressure in Henry’s chest. He worried he might suffocate if Tanner didn’t kiss him. “What do I need to do to convince you to kiss me?”

  An evil smile tugged at Tanner’s lips. “Lose at least one article of clothing. That way I know you plan to stay.”

  Henry fell back against the pillows and went to work on the buttons on his shirt. He wasn’t going anywhere. At least, not until Tanner went with him. They were a pair. A team. Tanner needed him, and Henry wouldn’t stop giving his sexy baby everything, because this was real.

  Four

  No matter how hard Tanner tried, he couldn’t tear his gaze away from Henry. The way Henry stared back made Tanner think he wasn’t bothered. Every word of their conversation from last night kept rolling through Tanner’s mind. One thing above all the rest stood out. Henry had shown up for him. He had watched Tanner leave the bar with someone else, and he had still sat in the middle of Tanner’s bed and waited. No one except his family understood how much Tanner needed that. At his core, he was a mess. He craved someone who recognized that and still loved him. Tanner had dropped all the crazy on Henry by flipping out and leaving. Henry hadn’t flinched. Topping off showing up, Henry had also confided his secrets and made no attempt to have sex with Tanner. Tanner was a little thrown by that last bit.

  After stripping and stealing Henry’s clothes, Henry hadn’t done anything beyond holding him and stealing kisses. Tanner had fallen asleep with Henry’s whispered words of praise and love. There was a glow inside him now. He couldn’t shake it.

  “I wish you could see the way you’re looking at me right now.”

  Tanner knew exactly how he watched Henry. He still wanted to hear Henry say it. “How am I looking at you?”

  Henry’s lips twitched with humor. “Like I’m one wrong move away from losing my clothes.”

  No matter how hard Tanner tried turning down the heat, he couldn’t. “Well, I mean, this is a private plane. There’s still…” he checked his watch and did the math in his head. “…a little over an hour left in this flight.” He held Henry’s stare. “I could do a lot in that time.”

  Henry stood and moved from his chair to the loveseat Tanner occupied. He had specifically chosen the seat across from Henry so he could stare at him until his heart was content. Henry straddled his hips. Tanner’s arms immediately encircled Henry, pulling him closer. Sometimes, he couldn’t get close enough, and now that he had finally convinced Henry his feelings were real, everything looked brighter. Tanner’s heart felt ready to burst.

  “You’re so beautiful.” The words slipped from Tanner with no input from his brain. He couldn’t stop saying his every feeling.

  Henry shook his head. A sweet smile touched his lips. “Tell me what would make you the happiest right now,” Henry begged as he wrapped his arms around Tanner’s neck.

  “For you to kiss me.”

  Henry dipped his head and touched his lips to Tanner’s. The breath caught in the back of his throat. Until their tongues met and Tanner shared Henry’s air, he hadn’t realized what he truly wanted. Sex was amazing and it was mind blowing with Henry, but his heart needed this. He had been so fucking starved for affection before Henry had seen his desperation and filled his life with everything he was missing. Tanner couldn’t stop begging for more. He couldn’t wait to get to California. Tanner needed this time with Henry to himself. He needed Henry’s love, and he would find a way to win it.

  The doorbell rang three times in quick succession, sending Tucker racing down the stairs. “For fuck’s sake. Give me a second. Fucking doorbell never rings when everyone is home. First goddamn time I’m home alone in ages and I get the impatient stranger.” He threw open the door. A skinny guy whose dark hair stuck up on end in a crazy mess—like he hadn’t bothered to brush it after showering—stood on the other side. Tucker found himself eyeing his visitor from head to toe. He was tiny. Tucker wanted to pick him up just to check his weight.

  The guy made a shrugging motion when Tucker didn’t say anything. “You invited me here. I’m here.” He didn’t sound happy about it.

  Tucker blinked. “No, I didn’t.”

  The guy rolled his eyes and turned away. “I knew you were full of shit,” he muttered as he walked away. “Should’ve gone with my gut and stayed home.”

  Tucker took off after him. “Hold up. Who are you here to see? There’s three of us. I’m Tucker.”

  The irritated look the guy shot over his shoulder screamed that Tucker was full of shit. “Okay, Tucker, Tanner, or whatever your name is. Please leave me alone.”

  Fuck. It wasn’t like Tanner to string someone along, but Tanner was definitely with someone else and on his way to California right now while this guy had obviously been invited here by him. “Seriously,” Tucker called out, trying to fix what he could. “Hold up two seconds and I can prove it.”

  The man froze and looked up, as if seeking guidance from above before turning. “I am so stupid. Fine.” He put his hands on his hips and waited.

  Tucker hurriedly dug his phone from his pocket. He opened his photos on his phone and found an image of his brothers and him at the beach a few months earlier before turning the phone the guy’s way. “See. I’m the one in the middle. Tanner is on the right. The other one is Toby. What’s your name?”

  The man’s odd gray gaze slid over the picture before focusing on Tucker. He was good looking in a moody sort of way. “Orion.”

  It was such a fitting name. His eyes were otherworldly. Tucker smiled. “Have I at least convinced you I’m not a lying piece of shit?”

  Orion’s mouth lifted slightly in the corners. It wasn’t a full smile. More of a smirk, but Tucker couldn’t look away. “For now.”

  “Tanner isn’t here. He got called to work.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. Henry was a client. Sort of. “Are you two friends?”

  “No.”

  Orion was full of surprises. Tucker felt a bit off balance in his company. Normally, Tucker always knew what to say to bring out the flirt in everyone. This one, though, he didn’t look impressed. “W
hat brings you by, if you’re not friends?”

  For a moment, Orion stared at him in silence. After a second, he shrugged. “Apparently, I like wasting my time.”

  If Orion had any interest in Tanner, he was wasting his time. Tanner was in love with Henry. “Maybe, since you’re already here, you could waste some time with me instead?”

  “No, thanks,” Orion said, walking away. “I think I’ve made a big enough fool of myself today.”

  Tucker had to swallow a chuckle as he went after Orion. It had been a long time since anyone told him no. He liked chasing men. Orion had made a huge misstep by catching Tucker’s attention. Now, Tucker wouldn’t stop until he got a taste of that fire. Tanner might be busy, but Tucker had all day.

  Five

  While fancy dinners and charity events had gotten old a damn long time ago, Henry never tired of seeing Tanner in a tux. He was such a big guy; he should have looked uncomfortable as hell. Tanner never looked anything but amazing. Henry still preferred him nude. A smile tugged at the corners of Henry’s mouth as he stared at Tanner. He had been a goner long before Tanner agreed to spend some time in California. Now, after seven of the best weeks of his life, having Tanner full-time, Henry was hopeless. He wanted to keep him. It would kill Henry when he left. That’s why this was the first invitation he had accepted since Tanner came to stay. Not only did Henry not want to share a minute of Tanner with anyone, he also hated the idea of losing someone else publicly. He didn’t want to explain where Tanner had gone when he walked away. Damn. Henry rubbed his chest. Tanner looked gorgeous tonight.