by Rosie Clarke
‘Oh, Sid, I wish—’ Ellie gasped and held back the words she’d almost said because she mustn’t let him see, but Sid was looking at her and her expressive face told him all he needed to know.
‘You do care for me, don’t you, Ellie?’
She bit her lip, not daring to look at him as she gave a little nod. ‘Yes, but I mustn’t – we mustn’t,’ she whispered. ‘Peter… he is so jealous and he can be violent…’
‘I’m not frightened of him, Ellie love… I know he’s your husband and I have no rights, but he doesn’t deserve you after the way he’s treated you.’
She looked up at him then and the fear was in her eyes. ‘You don’t know what Peter is capable of, Sid. The man that raped me… he was violently murdered and I think… I think Peter may have arranged it.’
Sid looked at her in silence for a moment. ‘I would’ve killed the bugger that raped you with me bare hands,’ he told her fiercely, ‘but I’d cut them off before I’d hurt you, Ellie. If Peter hurts you let me know and I’ll sort him – and that’s a promise. No matter who he is involved with, I ain’t afraid of him or his kind…’
‘Oh, Sid…’ Tears trickled down her cheeks as she looked at him and then he bent his head and kissed her softly on the lips. It was just a sweet kiss of comfort without passion or lust and it made her sob harder, because she wanted Sid’s arms about her. She wanted to be loved and protected – safe from violent men who inflicted pain as a way of making a woman do as they wanted. ‘I wish – but we can’t…’
‘Not yet,’ he agreed and smiled at her. ‘You need lookin’ after, Ellie – and from now on I’m the one to do it. If you say the word, I’ll face Peter down and speak to him man to man. When you’re ready, we’ll get you divorced from him – and don’t be afraid of what he’ll do, because I’m not…’
Ellie scrubbed her tears away. ‘You’ll be away for a while and I’ll try to talk to him… but he’s my husband and people will think I’m easy, Sid. He’s been fightin’ the enemy to keep me safe and I feel bad about lettin’ him down – but I don’t love him. He frightens me and I wish… I wish I’d never met him and you were my husband…’
Sid grinned from ear to ear. ‘That’s all I needed to know, love. Just go along with him as best you can until I get back and then I’ll sort things…’
Ellie gave a little nod, but she was thinking about Peter being home and what she would do in the bedroom. She didn’t want her husband to touch her ever again, and yet she knew what would happen if she refused…
‘I’ll try,’ she promised and then Mabel walked in with her tray of cocoa and the opportunity for private talk was over.
Ellie knew Mabel wouldn’t approve, but she didn’t have to be with Peter once the bedroom door was closed.
Chapter 20
Anne looked at herself in the mirror and saw the excitement in her eyes. She wanted to pinch herself to be sure that she wasn’t dreaming, but she was three weeks late with her period and because she’d always been as regular as clockwork, it made her think that she was pregnant. She wished Kirk was with her so that she could tell him, but he’d gone away on his training course. Perhaps it was best that she went to the doctor’s and had her suspicions confirmed, she thought, but her happiness was bubbling away inside and she knew she had to tell someone – and she needed to make that appointment.
It was difficult to get through until lunchtime, and Anne was in a hurry to leave during her break. She popped into the surgery and was told she could have an appointment that afternoon after she finished work.
The afternoon had never seemed so long, but the last bell rang and Anne was sharp about seeing her class out and leaving. She walked swiftly to the surgery and took her place in the waiting room until she was called.
‘And what can I do for you, Mrs Ross?’ the doctor asked.
‘I think – I hope I may be pregnant…’ Anne said a little breathlessly.
‘I see it would please you,’ the doctor smiled at her. ‘I’ll give you a little examination, Mrs Ross – and then we’ll do the urine test to be certain, but I often think women know themselves when this particular little miracle has taken place.’
Anne submitted to the gentle examination, was told he thought she was right, but would only confirm it once the test had been completed. She thanked him and he shook her hand and wished her well.
Her feet were dancing on air as she caught a bus. She couldn’t just go home to be alone, because she needed to tell someone and she wanted to talk to Peggy. Her friend had given birth to twins and she was a few years older than Anne, so her point of view was very valid. Younger women gave birth regularly and easily, but it wasn’t quite as straightforward for older mothers.
Peggy was in the kitchen when Anne knocked on the door. Laurie was standing near the table, but when he saw her, he picked up a dish of tarts Peggy had made and walked out without speaking. Peggy smiled with pleasure and invited her in at once, asking if she wanted tea and apple pie.
‘You’re really cold,’ Peggy said, touching her hands. ‘Come to the fire and sit down, Anne.’
‘I wanted to tell you…’ Anne said, because she couldn’t keep it inside a moment longer, ‘I’ve been to the doctor – I believe I’m pregnant, Peggy…’
‘Anne! That is wonderful,’ Peggy said and hugged her. ‘I know how much you want a baby, love. Has it been confirmed by the test yet?’
‘Not yet, but Doctor Phillips thinks I’m right so fingers crossed…’
‘I’m sure it will happen,’ Peggy said and kissed her cheek. ‘Does Kirk know yet?’
Anne shook her head. ‘I shan’t tell him until I’m absolutely sure – besides, he’s on a course and I can’t contact him for the moment, but I know he’ll be thrilled. We both want children.’
‘That is the best news I’ve heard in ages,’ Peggy said. ‘I ought to offer you sherry or something…’
‘No, just a cup of tea, please. I’m going to be very careful what I eat and drink from now on. I wanted to ask you whether you took any special precautions when you knew you were expecting.’
‘I carried on the same as always, working up to the last minute and eating whatever I felt like – though I didn’t drink much alcohol. My doctor advised against it on my second visit, so I took notice – but lots of my customers do and they seem all right…’ Peggy smiled at her. ‘I know this is your first baby and you’re a little bit older than I was when I had Jan – but you’re strong and healthy. I don’t think you need to worry too much.’
‘It’s just that the women in our family either don’t conceive or they have miscarriages,’ Anne said apprehensively. ‘I don’t think I could bear it if I lost my baby…’
‘You won’t,’ Peggy said and put an arm about her waist. ‘Think positive, Anne love, and it will all come right – believe me.’
‘I wanted to hear you say those words,’ Anne said and laughed. ‘It makes me feel more confident. I half wish I was still living with Mavis, because if Kirk is away when the time comes…’
‘You will come and stay with me when it’s near your time,’ Peggy said instantly. ‘We’ll look after you, Anne. You have friends and we care about you.’
Tears sparkled in Anne’s eyes but she blinked them away, because it was foolish to cry when she was so happy, and it would be silly to let her irrational fears spoil her pleasure in being pregnant.
‘Yes, I know you and Maureen are always here for me,’ she said and took out her hanky, blowing her nose. ‘I’m all over the place with my emotions.’
‘That’s how we all get,’ Peggy said and laughed. ‘One minute you want to shout for joy and the next you’re in tears – but when the uncomfortable bit is over, you’ll have your own child and that’s worth whatever you have to put up with in the meantime.’
‘Yes, I know…’ Anne was smiling again as Peggy brought over tea and home-made biscuits. She was so glad she’d come to her friend, because Peggy’s no-nonsense attitude would help her ge
t through the lonely nights until Kirk was home again.
Janet entered the kitchen at that moment, carrying a struggling Maggie in her arms. She set her daughter down and the little girl ran to the table, pulling at Peggy’s skirt to demand milk and cake.
‘Sorry to interrupt, but can you keep an eye on her while I pop to the shop?’ Janet said. She looked apologetically at Anne. ‘Maggie is full of energy this evening. It has been a long day…’
‘I’ll look after her for a little while,’ Anne offered and bent down to offer Maggie her hand. ‘Do you want to hear a story, Maggie?’
Maggie stopped pulling at her grandmother’s skirt and looked at Anne with interest. Her years of teaching had not been for nothing, and Maggie pressed up against her knee as she started to tell her the story of Goldilocks and the three bears.
Janet shot her an appreciative look, grabbed her jacket and purse and left quickly. Peggy watched with a smile on her face and then went to answer a scream from Fay.
‘It’s like Bedlam here at times,’ she told Anne ruefully. ‘At least you know how to handle small children…’
Anne smiled and stroked Maggie’s curls. She was a pretty child but tended towards a sulky attitude and was very demanding. Anne wasn’t sure whether Peggy and Janet had spoiled her or whether it was the lack of a father. She felt so sorry for Janet losing her husband in such a cruel way and admired her for the way she was pulling her life back together.
For a moment Anne allowed herself to think of what she might do in Janet’s place but dismissed the idea. Every woman in Britain must have the same thoughts at times, but they could not allow the horror of the war to destroy their lives. Jan had crumbled in grief but was now fighting back – and like so many other women she was learning to live again. Anne knew that she would do the best for her child whatever life threw at her.
*
‘Is Anne pregnant?’ Janet asked her mother later that evening when they were alone in Peggy’s bedroom for a few minutes. ‘Only I saw somethin’ in her face when she offered to look after Maggie that made me think she might be.’
‘She might be,’ Peggy said and smiled at her daughter. ‘I’m sure she will tell you when she’s ready – and when she’s sure.’
‘I thought so.’ Jan looked thoughtful. ‘There’s a kind of contentment about her… I know she felt out of it when both you and Maureen were havin’ babies…’
‘Anne’s mother miscarried several times and so did her aunt. I think Anne was anxious in case she was barren – a dreadful thing for a woman who wants a child.’
‘Oh, poor Anne! I hope she is pregnant and that everythin’ goes well for her,’ Janet said and hesitated, then: ‘I’ve been thinkin’, Mum. I went down the council but they said they’ve got hundreds on the waitin’ list and with just one child and a home I wouldn’t get on to it for ages. I’ll have to rent from a private landlord and the rents are high on anythin’ decent, so I think I’ll stop on here for a while, if that’ OK? I need to save for a deposit and some rent in advance…’
‘Good.’ Peggy was pleased. ‘I’d rather you stayed until you’re sure you can manage properly. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t do part-time work and save for a few months. You can still take a turn in the bar sometimes and help with the twins if I’m busy.’
‘Yes, it works well this way,’ Jan said. ‘I still think I’d like my own home one day, but there’s no rush…’
‘I’m glad you’re thinkin’ that way,’ Peggy answered. ‘I was afraid you might rush into somethin’ unsuitable and be miserable.’
‘Yes – and there’s Ryan,’ Janet said. ‘He asked if he could take me out one night, Mum. I’ve never been out with him alone in the evening; it has always been tea or during the afternoon – what do you think I should do?’
‘You have to think carefully before you make a choice,’ Peggy said. ‘If you turn him down flat you might regret it in time – on the other hand, you mustn’t agree to anything that isn’t what you really want.’
‘I told you, I’m not goin’ to marry again unless I feel that I’m in love. I didn’t have much time with Mike, but what I did have was wonderful. I want that again, Mum – and I don’t want to end up in a boring marriage that makes me feel the way you did…’
‘Oh, Jan…’ Peggy looked at her unhappily. ‘You mustn’t confuse what happened between Laurie and me with your own life. We had our good times – and they were good, love. For years I was perfectly happy. I’m not sure what happened, and I don’t think Laurie knows either if he’s honest. Maybe it’s just a midlife crisis – a feeling that if you don’t have a fling it will be too late…’
‘That’s not how you felt about Able?’
‘Oh no, I loved him. I still love him.’
‘That’s how I want to feel,’ Janet said. ‘I know I could be safe and protected with Ryan – but I want to feel passion and…’ She laughed and shook her head in embarrassment. ‘I shouldn’t be sayin’ things like this to my mum…’
‘You’re a woman not a child now, Jan. I’m glad you can tell me how you feel and I think you’re perfectly right to wait. At the moment you’re still grievin’, but one day you will be ready to love again – wait until then and then grab your happiness with both hands…’
‘You’re so wise, Mum,’ Janet said and went to give her a hug. ‘I love you so much – even though I don’t always show it.’
‘I think you’re a bit like your dad in that way,’ Peggy said. ‘At times I thought he didn’t care for me at all – but since he came home, he’s been so good with the twins and he keeps lookin’ at me – as if he’s hopin’ I’ll forgive him and take him back.’
‘And shall you?’ Jan raised her eyebrows.
‘I don’t know,’ Peggy replied honestly. ‘Perhaps I should take what I can and accept that all marriages have their ups and downs – but I can’t forget Able…’
‘Oh, Mum, I do wish there was some hope. I keep thinking Able might come back the way Mike did – but you’ve never had a letter or anything, have you?’
‘Only from the lawyers,’ Peggy said and sighed.
‘Is there no one you could approach… ask if there’s any news?’
‘Able would’ve written or come here if he could,’ Peggy said. ‘I know it happens all the time that men reported as missing turn up – but surely he would get in touch?’
‘Unless he’s too ill to come himself? He might ask someone else to visit you or write… let you know he’s alive.’
‘I wish I’d asked those friends of his to keep in touch…’ Peggy sighed. ‘But I know this is all foolish. I have to let go.’
‘Everyone told me to let go when Mike was missing, but I didn’t believe he was dead…’ Janet looked thoughtful. ‘I think I’ll accept Ryan’s invitation, Mum. He found Mike for me – he might just be able to get some definite news about Able.’
‘Janet…’ Peggy stared at her. ‘Do you think you should ask?’
‘Mum, I want more than anything to see you happy and if Able is alive – well, I’d like to know about it.’
*
Standing outside his wife’s bedroom, Laurie listened to her talking to Janet. He frowned as he heard that she was still in love with that damned American – no doubt she would go to him if he turned up!
The letter from America was well hidden where Peggy would never find it. For a while, he’d never let it out of his sight, because if Peggy read it she would leave him and Laurie wasn’t ready to let her walk out of his life, but now he’d tucked it away in a place she would have no call to look. Besides, Peggy wasn’t suspicious. She’d been pleased by the way he’d taken his turn with the twins and he’d thought he was gradually winning her round. It made him angry to think that Peggy would still walk out and leave him for that American.
If Rose had accepted his advances he’d probably have given Peggy the letter and let her go, because there was very little real affection left on either side. Peggy tolerated him and he
needed her for the moment. Laurie had seen enough to know that if folk in the lanes thought he’d let his wife down he could kiss goodbye to half of his trade. The regulars came to see Peggy and she was serving in the bar most evenings again, leaving Janet to respond to the twins and Maggie if they woke.
He turned away as he heard his wife and daughter saying goodnight, passing the twins’ room as he made his way to his own. He rubbed at his chest, feeling the urge to cough again. They were his kids – that damned American! The thought crossed his mind that if ever he wanted to punish his wife he could do it through them.
Chapter 21
Ellie finished brushing out her last customer of the evening’s hair and showed her the back of her head in the hand mirror. She nodded and smiled, and Ellie sprayed liberally with lacquer to preserve the set and then turned off the radio. Mr Churchill had recently given a speech saying that the hour of Britain’s greatest effort was approaching and the mood was sombre, too much so for Ellie.
‘I’ll give it a good spray, Mrs Brown,’ she said. ‘It’s damp out this evening and we don’t want the bounce falling out before you get home.’
‘Oh, I’ve got a waterproof rain hat,’ the customer said and took it out of her bag, tying it carefully over the crisp waves and curls. She paid Ellie, gave her a sixpenny tip and left. Ellie pocketed the sixpence. Tips were important to her because her wages hardly paid her expenses each week, despite Mabel forgoing the rent. Ellie always brought food for the larder anyway, because she couldn’t just take all the time, so it still left her reliant on Peter’s wage. If she did leave him, she would have to manage without it – and she might have to move away from the lanes, because Peter wasn’t going to let her go without a fight.
The telephone rang just as she was leaving. Ellie answered it. Her boss, Mrs Stimpson, was on the other end and wanted to talk about trade and how the stock was holding up. Ellie put down the phone at last with a sigh. Why couldn’t she have rung earlier instead of when it was closing time?
