Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

by Asprin, Robert

  “That won't work in here,” he spoke, haltingly, as he took his notebook out of his pocket, this time with a pencil, “but I speak Klahd. Let's hear your side of the story. Start at the beginning.”

  “Well,” I began, settling down on my blanketless bunk, “I was working on my magik studies when this Wuhs popped in...”

  In between meals I had nothing to do but peer out of the window. Shortly after lunch I saw Officer Koblinz and Gelli talking on the drawbridge that led from the prison. Gelli threw him a half-​salute and marched down to street level. A female, probably Mrs. Gelli by the way their snouts reached out lovingly to touch one another, met him at the bottom. They started talking and walking along the river front. When they met another female, this one wear?ing a pair of the Pervect Ten's enchanted spectacles, they halted to speak with her. She listened with growing alarm, then took off her goggles and threw them away from her. They landed in the river, and sank in a circle of growing

  ripples. The Gellises passed on, and the now worried woman rushed over to talk to a cluster of young people with spectacles on. A few of them ignored her, but a couple must have listened, because they took the glasses off and looked at them closely. I cheered.

  “What do you mean, you don't want the shipment?” Pal-​dine demanded in disbelief. Bofus, the shop owner, cringed behind his counter, his long nose pressed against his face for protection. “We have an exclusive contract! You were going to sell a thousand a week!”

  “Dear madam, I believed it! I was absolutely convinced you were right,” Bofus protested, his back against the wall. He felt along the edge for the curtain that led to the back room, and probably a handy alley on the other side. Pal-​dine wasn't going to let him escape that easily. She spread her hands out and spat out a chant that caused the cloth to stiffen harder than wood. Bofus prodded it with the tips of his fingers, then gave her a sickly smile.

  “If you don't want to get the same treatment,” Paldine snarled, showing all her teeth, “you will take these boxes and give me the money we agreed on. Then I will leave, and come back next week with your next order.”

  “Please, madam, don't!” Bofus begged. “You don't un?derstand! There won't be another order. I haven't sold out the ones you gave me. In fact, people have been bringing theirs back!” He plunged his hand under his counter and came up with a dozen pairs of Storyteller Goggles. Pal?dine glared at them, then realized some of them had been mangled.

  “What in hell's kitchen has been happening here?” Pal?dine said. “Didn't you sell them the way I told you? You had all the sales literature.”

  "I did! I told them everything you told me. I let them try

  a pair Ñonce anyone put them on I couldn't pry them offÑ I sold every single one you brought! But yesterday there was a riot. A prophet spoke, some said," Bofus explained.

  “A prophet? Not unless it's my profit,” Paldine said, raising the shopkeeper by his tunic front. “And what did this prophet have to say?”

  “He s-​s-​says these aren't toys at all,” Bofus stammered. “They're b-​b-​brainwashing tools.”

  “What? You people haven't got enough brains to wash! What kind of stupid twit would come up with a notion like that? Who is he?”

  “I d-​d-​don't know! He's n-​n-​not from Scamaroni. He's f-​f-​from one of the sm-​melly dimensions.”

  Paldine raised an eyebrow. “That narrows it down to al?most all of them. Any distinguishing features that I could use to identify this prophet?”

  “N-​n-​no. He walked like one of us f-​f-​for a while, until a policeman unmasked him. I... you demons all look alike to me. N-​n-​no offense.”

  The Pervect tapped her teeth with a manicured finger?nail. A magician from some other dimension, one capable of shapeshifting or illusion. Who would want to queer their deal on Scamaroni? Everybody took advantage of the Scammies, at least twice a year, so moral dudgeon had to be lacking on further outrages. The irony was that this time, the Pervect Ten were giving them actual value for their money, so the outrage was all hers. She bent to look at the damaged glasses. All that work, pissed away by igno?rant peasants. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Bo?fus wiggling his fingers in a spell to try and deossify the curtain.

  “Not so fast,” she cautioned him. He sagged. “You weren't so afraid of me a few days ago. You and I both know that what they're saying about these toys isn't true. What else have they been saying?”

  "That you use s-​s-​slave labor to make the G-​g-​goggles, and you are planning to make us slaves so we can build

  goggles for other dimensions that will b-​b-​become p-​p-​part of your empire." Bofus swallowed hard.

  Paldine's eyes narrowed. “That's the first I've heard about an empire, honey.” For a moment she wondered if Oshleen or any of the others had been around to talk to him, then decided that was wrong. They might fight each other to the death over trivia, but they would do it openly. This would have been cutting one of their own off at the knees, and, worse yet, slashing their own income, some?thing no Pervect would ever do. Bofus looked ready to faint, his long nose sagging like a discarded sock. Paldine decided to change tack. She turned on the charm, moving toward him with a sinuous wiggle.

  “How can I find this prophet?” she purred, fluttering her green eyelids at him.

  Two uniformed guards arrived in my cell with swords drawn. I sprang up in alarm. Very solemnly, they marched me into a corner and stood facing me. I peered up at their solemn faces.

  “Are we going into court now?” I asked hopefully. “I'd like to get this all cleared up so I can go home.”

  But they didn't say a word. Their reticence made me nervous. In my experience, no news was not necessarily good news. I heard footsteps in the hallway, accompanied by the sound of metal clanging and creaking sounds. I frowned. Was this my release? Or more trouble? Did they torture their prisoners?

  To my wondering eyes, the newcomer was an elderly fe?male Scammie, dressed in drab brown and gray. Her hair was gathered up underneath a triangular scarf of the same gray fabric. A big clip held her single nostril closed. Not looking up at me, she pushed a bucket on wheels into the room. My shoulders sagged. A cleaner!

  While the guards held the terrifying wizard (me) at bay

  in the comer, the cleaning woman swabbed the floor with a big mop. They moved me around the room from time to time so she could get into every corner without having to walk past the big dangerous criminal (me). I wondered about the chances of overpowering one or both of my cap?tors, then fighting my way out of the jail using the cleaner as a living shield. I calculated my own body mass, even adding in a factor of 150 percent for all the dirty infighting tricks that Aahz had taught me over the years, and came up at least 400 percent short.

  “Nice day,” I observed, instead. The Scammie guards didn't reply. They both looked as though they would have liked to be wearing clips on their noses like the old woman.

  The cleaning lady continued to potter around. She re?moved my chamber pot and replaced it with a new one, emptied, rinsed out and refilled my washing pitcher, picked up the used dinner trays and laid a wrapped candy on my stone bunk. The guards waited until she had clanged and squeaked her way but again, then withdrew, bolting the door.

  Depressed, I stumped back to my bed and sat down heavily upon it. I picked up the candy, unwrapped it, and immediately spat it out again. Licorice. No news was in?deed no good news.

  Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

  FIFTEEN

  “Darling, your slip is showing.”

  G. ROSE LEE

  “This has to be your fault,” Oshleen accused, striding alongside Paldine up the main street of Volute. “How could you blow something as perfect as the deal we had on those glasses?” Vergetta trotted to keep up behind her two young associates. Five of the others trotted in their wake.

  Caitlin had refused to come.

  “Straightening out other people's messes is not my bag,” she had snorted, and gone bac
k to working on her program to translate the specs of every Wuhs they knew into computer game characters for a game she called “Pre?tend Pushovers”.

  Niki, who distrusted anything in which Monishone and/or high sorcery was involved, offered to stay behind and keep an eye on the Wuhses. Vergetta had to agree. They started doing things when the Ten were not in resi?dence. And she had begun hearing rumors of unrest.

  That was all right; eight of them was more than enough

  to straighten out a misunderstanding. One should have been. She didn't know what had gotten into Paldine, carry?ing on like that. Brainwashing, indeed! They were busi?nesswomen, not voodoo economists.

  “I didn't do it, I tell you,” Paldine protested. “Every?thing, everything I did was according to our plan. We ought to have been raking in the gold pieces by now. This item ought to have netted us ten thousand this week alone.”

  “Well, that's five percent of what we need,” Oshleen snorted.

  “You think I don't know that? Bofus, that imbecile, claimed a group of strangers bounced in here, and started talking nonsense about how we were planning to rule the world, starting with everyone who bought our toy. Non- Scammies. Everyone believed it. They are so gullible.”

  “It's those Wuhses!” Loorna growled. “I told you we have to find that D-​hopper and confiscate it. Then I'm go?ing to tear all of them limb from limb. When I think of all the hard work we've put in trying to pull their fat out of the fire, I could just scream!”

  “It can't be the Wuhses,” Nedira stated, flatly. “To stand up in front of a crowd of strangers and make a speech like that? It's just not in their nature, dears. Wuhses couldn't do it.”

  “Who else?” Loorna demanded. “Who else knew we were selling merchandise to the Scammies?”

  “I still want an explanation for why the fire barricade went for a walk the other day,” Tenobia added. “Monishone saying that it ought to have been tethered down all along still doesn't ring true.”

  “The Wuhses can do some magik,” Monishone sug?gested. “Perhaps we have overlooked a real magician among them.”

  “I still tell you they couldn't be responsible for this,” Nedira protested, trotting ahead to catch up with Paldine. The marketing specialist opened her stride.

  Vergetta threw up a magikal barrier to stop them all from

  outdistancing her. The younger ones ran into the barrier and bounced back several feet. She hauled them up one by one.

  “Slow down, darlinks. Nedira is right. Don't go charg?ing in making accusations. We ask this Bofus, quietly and calmly. And then we tear down his shop around his ears.”

  “We'd better not go charging in at all,” Charilor ex?claimed, brushing herself off. She pointed in the direction of Bofus's store. “Look at that!”

  Vergetta rendered the group of Pervects invisible with a hasty chant. “Over here, darlinks,” she urged, grabbing the two tall females by the hand. “We don't want them smelling us, either. We have to pick the only place in the known universe where their you-​know-​what don't stink.”

  The eight of them stopped. On the main street a protest was under way. Hundreds of Scammies marched in an oval, carrying picket signs that read “Our brains are our own!” and “Down with dictaters!”

  “Their spelling stinks, too,” Charilor growled.

  “I can't believe they fell for the rantings of some wan?dering nutcase,” Vergetta grumbled.

  “Maybe we've got a rival,” Loorna remarked darkly. “The Deveels probably want to open up their own shop and freeze us out.”

  “Already?” Oshleen asked. “We haven't been operating for five days yet.”

  “You know what they're like! Master merchants. We could learn a thing or two from them.”

  “Yeah, I'd have liked to,” Charilor said, “but that inter?fering Trollop got in our way. Now we can't ever go back to the Bazaar.”

  “That's all water under the bridge,” Vergetta reminded them. “What do we do about this? Never have I seen such an overreaction. They bought in to what this person or per?sons said, without ever checking with us, and the story seems to have grown since this morning. Here comes a sign that says 'Protect our children's future!' From a toy! Can you believe it?”

  “Face it,” Paldine pointed out, “we picked them because they'd be easy to sell to.”

  The crowd grew and grew. A Scammie carrying a voice-​amplifying cone faced the door.

  “Come out, traitor! Come out, Bofus, and face your neighbors! You monster!”

  “Hmmph!” Vergetta snorted. “I can't imagine why he won't come out, with a nice, friendly invitation like that.”

  “Get the traitor!” shouted the Scammie with the loud-​hailer.

  “Yeah!” the mob cried, shaking their fists. “Get the trai?tor!” They rushed toward the door.

  When the first line of protesters got within two paces of the door, they suddenly bounced and went flying backwards.

  “Riot control,” Oshleen observed. “Very good. Oh, look, here comes the cavalry.”

  As they watched, dozens of uniformed police officers in helmets and armor came pouring out of the store front like clowns out of a magikal circus car. Chanting a phrase that was indistinct at that distance, they pointed wands at the gathering Scammies, shoving them all back until they were behind an orange line painted on the sidewalk.

  “Now, there'll be no more of this,” the officer in charge bellowed, taking the megaphone away from the lead pro?tester. “We're conducting the investigation. You all go home, now. Anyone who's still here by the time I count three is going to spend a week in jail. One ... two ...”

  Most of the Scammies started running away, but a cou?ple of bold young males came forward with a basket and a torch. The first tipped out the contents on the ground: sev?eral dozen pairs of Storyteller Goggles. The other one thrust the burning brand into the center of them.

  “No!” Monishone yelled furiously. “You imbeciles! All my hard work!”

  “Shh!” Vergetta hissed. Too late.

  Police officers were leaping forward to stop the two

  males and to put out the fire, but the chief officer's head flew up.

  “Who said that?” he demanded.

  “It came from over here!” a female voice shrieked.

  Vergetta turned around, and realized that more Scammies had filled in the rest of the steps overlooking Bofus's.

  “There's someone invisible. Up here!”

  “They smell!” added a hoarse male voice. “Outlanders! Demons!” Though the Scammies couldn't see them, they crowded in on the clot of concealed Pervects, hands out, feeling the air. One errant male's hand patted Oshleen on the rear. Her eyes flew wide in outrage.

  “How dare you!” she shrieked, slapping his face. The blow knocked the male off his feet and sent him flying over the heads of his compatriots.

  “Invisible invaders!” the crowd cried.

  “That's enough,” Vergetta declared. “Everyone, into formation! Start chanting.”

  “Chanting what?”

  The elderly Pervect looked around. The speaker stood behind her: a Scammie about her age, dressed in a uniform with plenty of ornate braid around the collar and wrists. He was looking her straight in the eye. In fact, everybody was looking at them.

  “What happened to the cloaks?” she demanded. Then, seeing the stunned look on her allies' faces, she realized it wasn't their idea that their spell had slipped. “Let's go!”

  “Oh, no, you don't, madam, or whatever you are,” the uniformed Scammie said.

  “That's them, officer!” Bofus explained, appearing be?side him. “They're the ones who sold me those glasses! I swear I had no idea that they meant for me to betray my own people.”

  The cop turned to her. “Is this true?”

  “Of course not!” Paldine protested. “It's all a misunder?standing!”

  The officer's face was imperturbable. “We'd like you to come down to our headquarters for questioning.” Glancing over his shoulder
, Vergetta realized that he was accompa?nied by about a hundred other officers, probably the force sent to deal with the riot.

  “So sorry, bubchen,” she apologized, patting him on the cheek. “Can't do it. Join hands!” The Pervect Ten minus Two tried to unite.

  “They're trying to get away!” the crowd howled, and mobbed them, knocking their hands away from one an?other's. There were other ways to dimension-​hop. As dozens of pairs of hands reached for her, Vergetta started chanting one of the old, more power-​intensive charms.

  “All right, all right, all right,” the officer shouted, push?ing into the midst of the crowd. 'They're not going any?where!"

  And they weren't. Vergetta chanted again. And again. No matter how she phrased the syllables, or delved for power from the lines running all over the town, her spell didn't work. Her surprise was echoed seven times on her companions' faces. Scammies must be operating dispellers strong enough to dampen even a Pervect's talent. Who in the nine levels of Marshall Field's State Street had sold them those?

  Their momentary shock was long enough for two offi?cers apiece to take them by the arms. The touch brought the senior Pervect to her senses. She threw the first police officer high over her head into the crowd. The second two retired from the fray clutching sensitive parts of their anatomy that had been viciously kicked. But gradually, enough police joined their brethren in bearing the eight Pervects to the ground.

  “This is no way to treat ladies,” Vergetta grunted, as thick irons were fastened around her wrists.

  “You are under arrest for corruption of public morals, operating unsafe devices within the city limits and,” the of-

  ficer added, wincing, “assaulting officers of the law.” He gestured to his army. “Take them away!”

  “But, bubby,” Vergetta explained, holding out her mana?cled hands to the black-​robed judge, “this is all a big mis?understanding. Look at me. I'm just an old lady. I wouldn't hurt a fly.”