Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

by Asprin, Robert

  “Don't play dumb with me,” Tenobia was telling a

  wide-​eyed Gleep, who was gnawing on a table leg. “I was a dragon-​tamer when I used to work for the circus. You guys are much more intelligent than you let anyone know.”

  Eavesdropping with interest, Zol took out his little note?book and began to tap away on his button board. It looked as though Coley had been restored to his original condi?tion. He even had a new red metal band around his middle.

  “Say,” Caitlin perked up, noticing the device in his hands. “Isn't that an InfoDump Mark 16?”

  “Yes, it is,” Zol beamed. “His name is Coley.” With pride, he put it into the littlest Pervect's hands and began to explain all its features. In turn, she showed him her com?puter. We were all getting along so well, we had forgotten about the object of our presence there.

  Oshleen and Paldine put their heads together over a spreadsheet. The two of them compared notes with several of the others, all of whom seemed pleased. They brought the proposed figures to Vergetta.

  “Very nice,” she nodded. “What with our projected earnings we'll be able to buy out our contracts and go home in no time. Even the Wuhses will prosper, since they're doing the manufacture. I've been dying to throw out the line of tea towels for a year.”

  “We could be home in time for the spring fashion line,” Oshleen sighed.

  “But what about us?” Wensley asked.

  Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

  TWENTY-NINE

  “It's been real!”

  W. DISNEY

  “What about you?” Vergetta echoed. “You Wuhses will be on your own. It's why you brought in the big tough magi?cian and his friends, isn't it?”

  “Well,” Wensley began, “you ten have been essentially in charge of everything for the last two years. If you pull out and go home, then ... we llapse. We'll go back to the way we were before. Sink into debt.” His slitted eyes were wide with fear.

  “Then you need a new government,” I suggested. “One with backbone.”

  “Led by whom?” Wensley asked. “Who could possibly step in and tell people how to do what you've been doing?”

  I looked straight at him. “You.”

  His voice rose up into an even more strangled squeak. “Me?”

  The Ten look him up and down.

  “Why not you?” Tenobia said. "As Wuhses go you've

  been pretty assertive. You have shown some leadership potential."

  “Oh, no,” Wensley protested, abashed. “What an unkind thing to say.”

  “Not where I come from,” I stated firmly. “In fact, call?ing something 'average' is almost an insult. You could be in charge of Wuhs's rebirth.”

  “Oh, I couldn't.”

  “Oh, yes, you could,” Zol insisted. “Why, with the ex?ample of the Pervects before you, you could create a gov?ernment that all Wuhses would be proud of.”

  “But they hurt people's feelings, and they step on toes,” Wensley complained. “Someone will have to say 'no.'” He looked alarmed. “I don't know if I can do that.”

  “Sure you could,” I informed him.

  “My friend,” Zol began encouragingly. “You need to reach inside yourself for the resource you showed in going to find Master Skeeve ...”

  The Wuhs looked even more alarmed. I stiff-​armed him out of the way. “Wait a minute, Zol. This kind of therapy really should be left to a specialist in assertiveness.” Zol looked puzzled but Vergetta grinned.

  “One side, Honey. Allow me.” She took the Wuhs's face between her hands. “Kiddo, starting tomorrow, we're go?ing to reopen both of the old product lines. You guys are going to have to leave behind your old handcrafts, which weren't selling anyhow, and start making anything that our inventors here come up with.”

  “Well, of course,” Wensley agreed, as amiably as any?one could with his cheeks flattened by Perv claws.

  "And in the meantime, you are going to take lessons from us. We're gonna teach you how to think like a Per-​vect, walk like a Pervect, talk like a Pervect, and above all... eat like a Pervect. Think about it! What could add more fire to the belly than a real, honest Pervish meal? Once you can muscle a bowl of Potage St. Auugh down your throat, handling a bunch of Wuhses who want to

  spend your money on a complete set of last year's Super-​bowl tickets should be a piece of cake. What do you think? I can go and rustle up some stew right now."

  “You're too kind.” Wensley gasped at the very thought of Pervish food. “Really, it's very considerate of you to think of my nutritional needs, but I'm sure there must be another way to instill the virtues ...”

  “Doesn't put the lead in your pencil the same way, Sonny. Should I go get some for you? You can eat it right here. I insist. You'll love it.”

  Wensley seemed to be going through the most incredi?ble internal discomfort. He wriggled and squirmed, but Vergetta had a firm hold on him. Gradually his protest worked its way up to his mouth. A nasal hum emerged.

  “Nnn...”

  “What?”

  “... Nnn ... nnn ...”

  “I can't hear you!” Vergetta bellowed, leaning close. “What did you say?”

  “Nnn ... nnn ... nno ... No!” Wensley shouted. His eyes flew wide at his own boldness. “I did it! I said no!”

  Vergetta wore a smug smile. “Once. You said no once. But you'll get used to it.”

  “Excellent!” Zol exclaimed. “There, do you see? And every time you need to say no in the future, you can picture this lady's most impressive persuasion.”

  “Congratulations,” Charilor cheered, slapping him soundly on the back. “You're president.”

  “Oh, I can't be. That will take consultation with all of the other committees. They may have views they wish to offer...”

  “Nobody will disagree with you,” Niki interrupted. “If there's anything I've ever learned about you Wuhses, it's that if you tell them something's got to be, they just accept it. Face it. You're in charge now.”

  Wensley looked astonished, but pleased. “I... I don't know how we can ever thank all of you.”

  “Oh, you've got our bill, darling,” Vergetta reminded him. “You'll pay it. Put it on the debit side of the clean new slate you're starting today,”

  “And you can buy my books for everyone to read,” the little gray man added. 'That way you will have a written guideline to mental self-​sufficiency. I'll be delighted to of?fer you a bulk rate."

  Wensley called a mass secret meeting to announce the out?come of the morning's action. Most of the Wuhses came out of curiosity, to find out who had torn whom apart. They were all thankful to see Wensley alive and well. He and Kassery wouldn't let go of one another, kissing and whis?pering together. Bunny_ sighed.

  “It's so romantic,” she kept saying. I don't know why that made me feel uncomfortable, but it did.

  When we had all the committee leaders safely stuffed into Montgomery's inn and sealed the doors closed, I thanked them all for coming.

  “We've reached a new understanding with the Pervect Ten,” I explained. “You all know my friends. I'd like to in?troduce our guests. I think you know them?”

  Into the midst of the Wuhses a loud bamf heralded the arrival of the Pervects. There was a general stampede for the doors. If we hadn't barred them magically I would have lost my entire audience in five seconds.

  “You have nothing to worry about!” I shouted over the panicked bleating. “From today onward you will be led by a Wuhs. The Pervects will go back to being consultants, answerable to him, as they were supposed to be from the beginning.”

  “But who?” Gubbeen asked curiously, once we had coaxed him back to the table. “Who is this Wuhs who will lead us?”

  “Wensley,” I announced, putting my arm around the

  hero of the day. “He'll be a great leader. He was ready to sacrifice himself for your greater good, and he's ready to serve you in a less life-​threatening capacity.”

  “But,” began Ardrahan, puffing herself up indig
nantly. “The style with which we are most comfortable is for everyone to have an equal voice in all decisions.”

  “Not any more,” I informed them. “That didn't work. That's how you got in trouble in the first place. Wensley's ready to take all your input and be fair in his judgment, but the final decision has to rest with him. He's in charge now.”

  As Niki had predicted, the committeefriends conferred and complained, but in the end they agreed with everything we told them to do. The Pervects were relieved. Wensley and Kassery were elated and awed but ready to try. The dis?enfranchised spokesWuhses were doing their best to influ?ence the new leaders to see their points of view. And I was ready to go home.

  “Well, that's that,” I stated, shaking hands with Zol Icty. “So, are you going back to Kobol now?”

  “No, indeed,” the little gray man informed me happily. “I am going to stay here to observe the Pervect Ten assist our young friend there in finally putting Pareley back on the financial map, and then I will go back to Perv with them. I want to study them very closely for the new book I am researching: I'm Okay, You're Pervect. When it's fin?ished I'll send you all copies.”

  “I'll look forward to it,” I thanked him. “I'm going back to my studies. I've still got a lot to learn.”

  “You're on your way,” Zol assured me. “I was very im?pressed with both your application and your wisdom.”

  “I'm sorry,” Wensley said, turning to me with some em?barrassment. “But we can't pay you yet. Wuh is on the fi?nancial mend, and your fee will just send us back again into negative territory. I'm sorry.”

  “How about an in-​kind fee instead?” I said.

  Wensley looked uncomfortable, but nodded. “We owe you so much. What do you have in mind?”

  “It's something you already have,” I explained. “I'd like to have your D-​hopper.”

  “But you don't need one,” the Wuhs said, looking puz?zled. “You can already travel the dimensions.”

  “I know,” I acknowledged, “but I do need it. What about it?”

  He looked at the others, who were clearly urging him not to give up their precious D-​hopper, but he nodded. “It's caused enough trouble here,” he decided at last. “I think that once we learn responsibility there will be plenty of time to learn how to travel between the dimensions.”

  “Thank you,” I asserted, tucking the device into my belt pouch. Bunny and Tananda gave me odd looks, knowing I had one just like it in my boot. “Good riddance to it,” Loorna insisted, producing the device. She slapped it into my palm.

  Paldine came up to join me. “Come on, Skeeve the Magnificent. We've got some Deveels to dazzle.”

  Oshleen came over to envelop me in a massive, bonecrushing hug. “Any time you need some quality finan?cial work done, honey, you've got a freebie coming.”

  “I've got a top accountant, thanks,” I replied. Bunny, who had not even noticed she had tensed, relaxed and smiled brilliantly at me.

  “Well, any time you need someone's hindquarters chewed off, we'd be glad to help out,” Charilor offered, showing her teeth.

  “Gee, where were you a couple of weeks ago?” I asked, innocently. “I was looking for an organized force to throw out a bunch of Pervects who had taken over another dimension.”

  To give them credit, the Pervect Ten laughed.

  “You've got chutzpah, bubby,” Vergetta chuckled,

  crushing my hand in a tight grip. “Don't be a stranger. Okay, ladies, back to the castle. We've got glasses to en?chant.” She glanced at Wensley. “Come with us, Sonny. You might learn something.”

  Tananda, Bunny and I slipped out of the hastily-​convened auction going on between members of the Devan Market?ing Association. Once I had introduced Paldine and had her display the wares she had to offer, the bidding began at the top of everyone's voice. I had finally gotten a chance to try the Storyteller Goggles (soon to be renamed), and I was sorry my misplaced enthusiasm had deprived the Scammies of them. They were terrific, and the Deveels knew it, too. The Pervomatic also sold itself in a matter of seconds.

  I had volunteered to stay, but once I had persuaded Hayner and the others that these Perverts were friends of mine and that any discourtesy to them counted as if it was being done to me, none of them paid much attention to us. I was glad to escape because, as I have said before, one of the few things about the Bazaar that I don't miss is the noise.

  Paldine leaned across to shake hands with me before I left.

  “I don't know who the Pervect is who befriended you before,” she whispered, “but he's lucky. I hope he knows that.”

  I felt a wrench somewhere around my midsection. “I'm the lucky one. He's been a good friend to me.”

  Out in the street, where the voices of Deveel merchants and customers weren't bouncing off the walls of a tent, I relaxed.

  “Care to join us for a milkshake before we go?” I asked Tananda.

  “I have to get to Trollia,” Tananda informed us, shoul-

  dering her small bag. “If Chumley's not in the hospital with a hernia he'll need me to referee between him and Mums. I've already left them long enough.”

  “I'd better get back to my studies,” I agreed, taking my D-​hopper out of the side of my boot. “I've left them long enough, too.”

  “You know, you don't need that thing any more,” Tananda nodded. “You know enough places in the dimen?sions that if you practiced you could use a travel spell in?stead to hop between them.”

  “The D-​hopper's not foolproof,” I replied, “but it works almost all the time, which is more than I could promise right now, considering how tired I am. I don't want to take a chance and get lost, and I sure don't want to be responsi?ble for getting Bunny lost.”

  “All right. Take care of yourself, handsome.”

  She kissed me warmly. I regretted again that she'd come to be a big sister to me. I could no more imagine us having a relationship than I could with Bunny. I respected them, but I felt both of them outclassed me.

  Tananda winked at Bunny. I grinned, sensing some sis?terly communication between them that I couldn't trans?late, but I'd learned from long experience not to obsess over.

  I handed over a bag containing 500 gold pieces and gave it to Tananda. “Here's your share of our fee. Zol didn't want to be paid. I've made good to Bunny, too.”

  “You don't have to do this,” Tananda protested.

  “Yes, I do. Please.” To my relief she accepted it. “And please take this, too.”

  I handed her the other D-​hopper. She looked a question at me. I took a deep breath and plunged in.

  “If you see Aahz I want you to give it to him. Tell him ... tell him if this would make it more convenient to visit once in a while I'd like him to have it.”

  “ 'Don't be a stranger,' huh?” Tananda translated.

  I dug a toe in the dirt. "Uh, yeah. I mean, if he wants to.

  I'm the one who pushed away from everyone else. Maybe I'm getting over the funk I was in. It's up to him. I just want him to know ... he's welcome. I miss him. Studying's a lonely occupation."

  “Keep it up. I think you're going to be one hell of a good magician.”

  She kissed me thoroughly. An affectionate farewell from a Trollop can make you feel like you've been em?braced by a tornado.

  'The same to you: don't be a stranger," Tananda waved as she sauntered off down the aisle between tents.

  “I don't want to be,” I murmered quietly. “It'll just take time.” I turned to Bunny. “I hope all this hasn't ruined your feelings about Zol Icty. He's quite a guy.”

  Bunny smiled. “Let's just say my understanding has matured a little. I still like him a lot, and I love his books, but I'm going to reshelve them in the fiction section of my collection.”

  I grinned. “Shall we go?”

  “Yes, indeed. I hope that Gleep and Buttercup haven't trashed the inn since this morning.”

  Tananda unlocked the door and let herself into the dim an?teroom. I waited until she
turned around before I sat up. She stiffened for a moment, then relaxed.

  She came over to me, reached into her belt pouch, and came out with a D-​hopper.

  “This is for you, Aahz,” she smiled.

  I accepted it with a wary look. “What's he using?”

  “The same one he had before. This one was his fee for helping out the Wuhses Ñhis whole fee. He just handed it to me and told me to give it to you.”

  “What for?” I growled.

  Tanda tipped her head to one side. “I think you're smart enough to figure that one out. He misses you.”

  My eyebrows went up. “He's something else,” I de?clared. “How'd he do?”

  “He did fine,” Tananda assured me. “He did really well. He's a good man. You know that. You saw him. I got you there in time so you could watch the fireworks.”

  “Yeah,” I muttered, thinking back with pleasure to the sight of ten Pervish females running after that darned dragon and getting penned up in their own spell. “He did okay.”

  “He did more than okay, and you know it, Aahz.” Tananda chided me.

  “He didn't see me, did he?”

  “No.”

  “Good,” I sighed, putting my feet up on the ottoman and leaning back with my hands behind my head. “Just because I'm not his teacher any more doesn't mean he's not still my student.”

  ¥ “Well, I'd better get home to Mums,” Tananda smiled. “I left my suitcase half-​packed in my room. I hope Chumley's still in one piece. Wait until I tell him Skeeve made friends with the women who beat us up a couple of months ago. Hey, take care of yourself, Aahz.”

  She gave me a big hug and a kiss, and headed off toward her room. I poured myself some wine and settled back to contemplate the ceiling some more. A D-​hopper. The kid sure knew how to send a message. I wondered if and when I would ever take him up on it.

  A knock on the door disturbed my reverie. I cracked the door, but kept my shoulder against the inner edge. You could never be too careful, even in the Bazaar.

  Standing outside was a thin, blue-​faced individual with thinning white hair. I had never seen his species before, but I knew a bill-​collector when he saw one.