Wish You Were Here

by Renee Carlino

  “Yes.” She scanned me from head to toe. “You’re a mess.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “So all along he was looking for you?”

  “I guess so.”

  “You kind of were looking for him, too, weren’t you?”

  “Maybe on the street. I was hoping to run into him.”

  “I came to see what your plan was,” she said. “What are we supposed to tell Seth?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “You don’t have to tell Seth anything. It’s between him and me. Anyway, he knows I came here. He told me to come here.”

  “For what?”

  “You seem even less sensitive than Chucky about this. Maybe Seth wanted me to come down here because he’s compassionate.”

  “Well, maybe, but I know for a fact that he didn’t expect you to run home and get clothes to move in with Adam in his hospital room.”

  From the corner of my eye, I noticed Leah walk into Adam’s room and turn on the light. He must have been waking up. Helen was still appraising me.

  “So how long are you going to stay with him?”

  “For the rest of his life.” Even as I said it, I knew it was true.

  “That could be a long time.”

  “Not compared to my life,” I said.

  She shook her head. She was in disbelief. “I just don’t want you to mess things up with Seth. It seems like you really like him, and if Adam weren’t dying . . .”

  “Stop talking about Adam dying. Nothing is certain.” I shrugged. “And I’m here because I want to be with him. I’m not here to pity him.”

  Helen was worried my being with Adam was a result of some fixation I had with getting into relationships that went nowhere. She didn’t understand how much I actually liked him.

  After she was done thoroughly shaking her head in disapproval, she studied my face. “Should I go say hi? Will he even remember who I am?”

  “He might. He might not. It doesn’t matter. Come on.”

  She followed me into the room and stood at the foot of his bed. He was smiling at both of us, waiting patiently for an explanation.

  “Hi, I’m Helen,” she said.

  “Hi, Helen. You can come closer; I don’t bite . . . that hard.”

  She giggled and then moved to his bedside. He could charm even a skeptical Helen. I stood opposite her. He looked up to me as if to say, Who is this person?

  “She’s my best friend. She and I were living together in that apartment. You helped me walk her home the night we met.”

  He looked over to Helen. Her brownish-blond hair was curled into soft waves on her shoulders. Adam was squinting at her.

  “I used to have green hair,” Helen offered, trying to help him.

  “Really? Green? How could I forget that?”

  “It was chartreuse,” I said.

  “Remember? I was kind of drunk. You gave me a box of Chinese food.”

  He pointed at her. “Yes, you. I remember you. You were wasted.”

  I jumped three inches off the floor, “You remember?!”

  “Kind of. It’s foggy.” His brow furrowed and he sucked air through his teeth. “Ouch,” he said, holding his hand to his head.

  “You okay, Adam?”

  I reached over and lifted a cover off a plate. It was beef teriyaki.

  “Yuck.” His jaw clenched. I set the cover back on the plate and then everything after that happened in slow motion. His arms started jerking, and he slumped down in the bed and his body began convulsing.

  “Oh no. Someone help!” I screamed.

  Helen ran out into the hallway and started yelling, “We need help in here! Help us!”

  I braced the back of his head as he thrashed against the pillow and bars on the side of the bed. Two nurses and a doctor ran in. Leah must have been on a break. One nurse emptied a syringe into his IV line and the other came to my side. “Step away, sweetie, you could get hurt.”

  “When will it stop?” I didn’t recognize my own voice, but I could hear myself. I sounded frantic.

  “In a minute. He’s slowing down. There you go, Adam,” she said to him as she caressed his forehead. His eyes were crossed and he had the scariest, most pained look on his face.

  I started crying. “Is he in pain?”

  The doctor whom I had talked to earlier answered me without looking up. “He won’t remember this. He won’t know anything but that he’s had a seizure.” She turned to the nurse at her side. “Up his dose of valproic acid to sixty milligrams a day. I’ll write it up, but let’s go ahead and give him twenty right now.”

  Everyone moved around the room quickly. Adam had stopped convulsing and his eyes were steady and focused on the wall across from him. Helen was standing near the door, stunned. I went to his side and smoothed my hand over his damp brow. His gaze moved to me. He looked like a scared little boy. I bent and kissed his cheek. “You’re okay. You had a seizure, but it’s over now.”

  He nodded with wide eyes. I bent again, but this time I placed a kiss on his lips. He was lethargic but he tried to pucker his lips and mimic a kissing sound.

  “Charlotte?” he murmured.

  “Yes, I’m here.”

  “I love you,” he said. I don’t know if what Adam was feeling was love but I knew I felt extremely connected to him, just like the day we first met.

  “I love you, too.” I kissed his forehead and then glanced to see Helen’s shocked face. “I’m going to walk Helen to the elevator. I promise I won’t be gone more than a minute.”

  “Okay.” He tried to smile before reaching his hand up and waving sluggishly at Helen. She waved back, still stunned.

  “Come on.” I pulled her by the arm.

  She didn’t speak until we got to the elevator bays. “You love him?” she said.

  “I have strong feelings for him.” I looked at her pointedly. “Seth will understand. That’s all I’m saying about the situation. I don’t want to talk anymore about it. I’m going back in there to be by his side. You know where to find me if you need me. Thanks for coming down.”

  Her mouth was still parted in shock. “Um . . . okay then, I guess I’ll tell Roddy to tell Seth . . .”

  “Nothing, Helen. You won’t tell Roddy to tell Seth anything. I will talk to Seth when he’s back from the road.”

  The elevator doors opened but Helen just stood there. When it started to close, I said, “You better go.”

  She put her hand out to keep the doors open. “You have your whole life ahead of you.”

  “Precisely.” I gave her a quick hug and walked away.

  20. Good and Bad

  Adam had good days and bad. There would be times when it seemed like he was a completely normal guy, except smarter and funnier and more genuine than anyone I had ever met. And then he’d have a seizure and get really depressed. They took solid food off the menu for a couple of days after I first arrived. It made him feel like an invalid, even though he wasn’t. I snuck In-N-Out Burger into the hospital as often as I could, and on the fourth day, I snuck Adam out to the drive-thru. He promised me he wouldn’t touch the food until we were back at the hospital, but he tried to sneak fries anyway. I was worried that he’d have a seizure in the car and choke to death on his food. It made driving in LA all the worse.

  He joked, “Mysterious artist dying of brain cancer chokes to death on his double-double with cheese.”

  “It’s not funny.”

  “It’s totally funny. I love this song, can you turn it up?”

  I reached and turned the dial up on the Vance Joy song “Red Eye.” Adam bobbed his head to the music. At the stoplight I looked over at him. He was wearing the black beanie my brother had given him, his black Wayfarers, and the hospital gown.

  I laughed.

  He turned to me and smiled. “What?” he said.

  “You’re cute.”

  “Oh yeah? Wanna fool around?” He grinned.

  I was glad that Adam couldn’t see my eyes welling up behind my
sunglasses.

  The car behind us honked. I hit the gas and my car lurched forward from the intersection. “How much time do we have?” I asked.

  “What? Are you serious?”

  “Yes, Adam, I am serious.” He was having a good day.

  He reached for my phone. “We have like an hour and a half before Leah freaks out.”

  I knew I was taking a big chance, but how could I say no to him? There was so much joy in him that day just because he got to go to the drive-thru at In-N-Out.

  “Okay.” I glanced over at him and flattened my lips. “You better not have a seizure on me.”

  “I can’t think of a better place to have a seizure. Although I can see how that wouldn’t be much fun for you.”

  I laughed hysterically. “Oh man, I didn’t mean literally on me; I meant on my watch.”

  “Well, Charlotte, I don’t have much control over that, but I’ll try. You know what helps?”

  “What?”

  “Alcohol.”

  “Really?”

  As we passed the Four Seasons he said, “Pull in here.”

  “This is too expensive, Adam.”

  “What? Are you crazy?” The energy in the car was tangible. “This may be the last time I ever go to a hotel with a girl. I’m paying. I have a ton of money. Come on, Charlotte, please?” His mood was instantly lighter than it had been in several days.

  “Okay.” I did a U-turn and pulled into the driveway of the hotel.

  A valet greeted us right away. “Checking in?” he said, when I rolled down my window.

  “Yes,” Adam barked over me.

  “Last name?” the valet asked.

  “Bramwell,” Adam said.

  The young valet looked at Adam with suspicion but wrote the valet ticket anyway. I got the wheelchair out of the back, then helped Adam into it. He had the In-N-Out take-out bag on his lap. I wheeled him into the fancy lobby and got a lot of strange looks.

  At the front desk, the clerk tried to seem normal when she took Adam’s credit card.

  “The only handicap accessible room I have available is a suite,” she said.

  “Perfect,” Adam returned with his lopsided smile.

  The clerk handed over our keys and pointed us to the elevator. As I pushed Adam to the room, he whistled out a song. We entered a lavishly decorated suite with a large living and dining area, a huge fluffy bed, and a giant sunken tub smack in the middle of a bathroom the size of my apartment.

  “Find the alcohol, Charlotte!” Adam shouted from the entryway. I found a minibar stocked full.

  I grabbed minibottles of tequila and vodka and held them out to Adam. “Are you sure this is okay?”

  “Yes,” he declared. “Which one do you want?”

  “Either one.”

  I swigged the vodka and he the tequila, and then I wheeled him over to the bar for another round. We ate In-N-Out and laughed and talked and drank a little more. Adam seemed really relaxed.

  “Should we take a bath in that awesome tub?” he asked.

  “I don’t know, Adam. I’d be scared to. What if something happens?”

  “Please.” His eyes were pleading. “Please. I promise nothing will happen to me.”

  “Okay,” I said but my heart was pounding. I was worried he’d have a seizure and I wouldn’t be able to get him out in time.

  Inside the bathroom, I filled the tub up with warm water and bubbles. Adam was leaning against the counter as he removed his hospital gown. When he was naked, my mouth fell open in shock. He was much thinner than before. “Big difference, huh?” he said.

  I shook my head and tried to will away the tears. I walked toward him, cupped his face, and looked into his eyes. “You’re still the most handsome guy I know.” It was true. Adam was classically handsome even in his condition. It was undeniable. I kissed him once and then helped him climb into the tub.

  Once he was in, he didn’t stop smiling. He looked like the Adam I knew from that one night. It seemed like his smile was wider than possible. “Now, are you gonna put on a show for me or what?” he said.

  I turned on my heel and glared at him. “Me? No!”

  “Well, you have to take your clothes off to get in here. Make it fun.”

  I huffed. “I’m kind of shy in that way.”

  “You weren’t shy the night we were together.”

  He was right—I wasn’t. I stared at the ceiling, pondering what I should do. I looked down at Adam, who was still wearing a ridiculous grin. Would Seth understand this part? Was Seth even a factor anymore?

  “Let me find some music.” I put The 1975 on the iPod dock in the other room and cranked up the volume. I gathered myself and then went back into the bathroom and tried desperately not to make eye contact with Adam as I began to undress.

  “How could you say no to a dying man?”

  I pointed at him. “Don’t!”

  He started laughing.

  “You haven’t played that card yet so why start now?”

  When the music picked up, I peeled off my jeans and watched as Adam arched his barely existent eyebrows and started bobbing his head. He was mesmerized. I lifted my shirt over my head and stood in front of him in my black bra and panties.

  “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

  When I unhooked my bra and tossed it aside, his mouth fell open and his eyes went wide. He was up to his neck in bubbles and it made me laugh. I turned and bent seductively in front of him to peel my panties down.

  “Oh my god, Charlotte . . . this is how I want to die . . . with you, standing naked in front of me. Don’t forget that part, okay? When it’s time for me to go, you have to get naked, just like this, right in front of me.”

  “That might be a little awkward for the doctors and nurses.”

  “Come on. Now get in here, I want to touch you.”

  As I stepped in, he reached both his hands up to guide me. The water sloshed over the sides of the tub, spilling onto the floor.

  “Shit,” I said.

  “It’s okay, just come here.”

  I sat between his legs with my back to his front. He kissed my shoulder and then my neck before slowly moving up to my ear. I shivered when he reached around and cupped my breast. Adam had lost some fine-motor skills in his left hand and he had trouble walking because his left leg wouldn’t always cooperate, but in that moment, when we were together and he was kissing me and touching me and our bodies were pressed against each other, there was no cancer, there was no death pending. I could think of nothing else but how right it all felt.

  It was impossible not to question myself leading up to that day in the hotel room. I knew Adam and I had something unique, but it was hard for me to describe. If someone asked me why I felt so connected to him, I would say, “I just do, I can’t explain it.” I knew it had nothing to do with his tumor or the mural. It had to do with that thing, that feeling that allowed me to walk away from my apartment in the middle of the night seven months ago. When I looked into Adam’s eyes, I felt like I could see his sincere, genuine soul.

  When thoughts of Seth would pop into my mind, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a twinge of guilt. I hoped he’d understand, but if he didn’t, it still wouldn’t change my decision to be with Adam now. It wasn’t about Adam’s wish, it was about Adam and me and seeing it through. Everyone always said I dated men who were off-limits so that I wouldn’t have to get serious about anyone. Adam might have been dying, but he wasn’t off-limits. He was baring it all for me and I was going to do the same for him, even though I knew it would break me into a million pieces.

  I turned and straddled him in the tub. Our kisses became more demanding. When he touched me down below, I lost all sense of our circumstances. I wanted him and I could tell he wanted me, and nothing else mattered.

  “Let’s get out of here and go to the bed,” he said.

  Adam stood and wrapped a towel around his waist. He was strong in that moment. He was driven.

  I dried myself
off and then met him on the bed. When we ditched the towels, I could see how turned on he was. I climbed on top of him and kissed him hard before sitting up and letting him look at me. My body was totally exposed to him in the well-lit room. He watched with wonder in his eyes. “I’m in heaven, right?” he said. It looked like he believed it.

  “Yes, this is heaven, Adam.” I bent and clutched his face with both hands and kissed him delicately before moving to his neck and shoulder.

  “Mmm, you’re an angel for sure,” he murmured.

  “This is heaven for me, too,” I whispered near his ear. A moment later he was inside of me and I was moving on top of him. I was unself-conscious. He gripped my hips and thrust into me, matching my movements. “Adam . . .” I moaned.

  I pressed my hands to his chest and moved harder and faster. For just a few minutes the whole world slipped away and it was just the two of us. Adam’s body felt warm and strong, for the first time since that night in his loft.

  He pulled me to his chest, gripped my bottom with both hands, and thrust harder as I lay on top of him. “Feel me inside of you,” he whispered. My mouth was on his neck, kissing and sucking while he continued his steady movements. “Feel me, Charlotte.”

  All I could do in that moment was feel Adam, everywhere around me and inside of me. I kissed him hard on the mouth. Our tongues twisted as our movements became more urgent. Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, I felt the tension start to break apart. “Adam . . .” I said with my mouth against his chest. He didn’t make a sound, just one last hard thrust and then his hands dropped to his sides. He shut his eyes and turned his head. He was grinning but his arms and legs had gone lax and he wasn’t moving or making a sound.

  “Adam?” I was smiling at first, but when he seemed unresponsive for a moment I began to panic. “Adam!”

  “You killed me,” he said softly.

  “Open your eyes, you scared the crap out of me.”

  He looked up and smiled wider. “That was amazing.”

  “It was perfect.”

  “I mean, I really thought you killed me, Charlotte. I had already decided it was the best death ever.”

  I glanced at the clock behind him. “I feel like we should get going,” I said.