by Kaylee Ryan
“So, what? She’s just going to give up? Miracles happen every damn day.”
“I know. I told her the same thing. Maybe everyone can talk her into it tomorrow.”
“She needs a second opinion.”
“She got a second and a third. All three told her the same thing.”
His reply is to pull me close and bury his face in my neck. When he angles away, his eyes are misty with tears. “If I’ve learned anything over the past few years, it’s that life is short. You have to live each day as if it could be your last. I love you, Mara. I love Finley, and I want us to be a family. I’ll give you time to let that sink in. Give you time to process what I’m telling you.”
“What exactly are you telling me? I’m not fishing for compliments, but I just want to make sure what I think you’re saying and what you mean are the same thing.”
“I want to marry you. If you’ll let me, I’d love to be that little girl’s daddy. I want more babies and memories and… I want it all, Mara.”
“I’m—” I start, but he stops me.
“I know you’re not ready, but please think about it. It’s fast I know, but when you know, you know. And I know you and Finley are my heart.” He leans in and kisses me. “Now, it’s been a long day and tomorrow is going to be even longer. Let’s go to bed. I need to hold you.”
He gets no complaint from me. Together, we lock up the house, turning off all the lights. Stopping at her door, we check on Finley and then head to his room.
Our room.
As promised, he holds me close all night long.
Chapter Eleven
Seth 11
* * *
There’s something wet on my lips, and I think I’m dreaming until I hear a shouted whisper, “Sef, wake up.” Slowly, I peel one eye, then the other open to find Finley sitting next to me on the bed. She’s on her knees leaning over me. She’s smiling wide, and her green eyes—the ones she got from her momma—are sparkling. “I go to fishes,” she says, pulling on my hand to get me out of bed.
With everything that happened yesterday, I forgot that my parents are stopping by to take her to the aquarium. That works out because she doesn’t need to be here to see all of us upset. “Shh, don’t wake Mommy.” I place my finger to my lips.
Finley mocks me, but her “shhh” is not quiet at all.
“Morning,” Mara says, rolling over to face us.
“Momma, fishes.” Finley bounces on her knees.
“That’s right.” Mara chuckles.
“Let’s get some breakfast and then a bath. What time are they going to be here?” she asks me.
“Mom said around eleven.”
“Good, we don’t have to rush. Come on, kiddo. Let’s go get some breakfast.” Mara throws the covers off and climbs out of bed.
“Sef, go.” Finley pulls on my hand again, trying to move me.
“Uh-oh,” I say dramatically, gaining her full attention. “You just woke up the tickle monster.” I hold my hands in the air, fingers spread wide, and sit up. When I start for her, she squeals, climbing off the bed laughing. I take my time chasing her in slow motion, letting her get ahead of me. “Here comes the tickle monster,” I say, my feet hitting the hardwood floor. I walk toward her, mimicking a zombie, and she cackles with laughter and rushes out of the room yelling for her mommy to save her.
When I reach the kitchen, she’s hiding between Mara’s legs and her laughter fills up the entire house. Bending down, I lift her into my arms and place a wet sloppy kiss on her cheek. “I love you, Finny.” It feels good to be able to tell her. To tell them both. “I love you too, Momma.” I lean in and kiss Mara on the cheek as well.
“Wuvs yous,” Finley says, kissing my cheek and leaning out of my arms to do the same to Mara.
We eat eggs and toast for breakfast, then Mara takes Finley to give her a bath and get ready to spend the day with my parents. They’ve met Finley a few times over the last couple of months, and they’re both thrilled to have a grandchild to focus on. Mom’s words, not mine. Finley took to them right away. I’m glad she has them and that my parents are so supportive. She needs all the love life has to give. I work on cleaning up from breakfast before going to our room and taking a shower. By the time I’m done, Finley is ready, and I take over keeping her entertained while Mara gets ready.
“We make a good team,” I say, snaking my arm around her waist and kissing her quickly.
“We do.” She smiles and wriggles out of my hold to go shower.
An hour later, my parents are knocking on the door. “Come in,” I call out. The three of us are on the couch watching cartoons.
“Finley girl, you ready to go see some big fish?” my dad asks.
“Fishes!” she cheers, jumping off the couch and running to him. He’s ready for her, bending to lift her into his arms.
“That’s right. All kinds of fish, and sharks and turtles,” my dad says with extreme enthusiasm.
“Thank you for offering to take her. It’s all she’s talked about,” Mara says.
“We’re just glad you’re letting us take her. They’re such a joy at this age,” Mom says affectionately. “Okay, down to business. Any rules or allergies we should know about? You know, like to ice cream?” Mom asks.
“Fishes and ice cweam.” Finley nods, making us all laugh.
“No allergies, and I trust you.”
My mom steps forward and wraps Mara in a hug. “Thank you, dear. I promise she’s in good hands. We’re going to take our time. You two enjoy your day together.”
“We actually have everyone coming over at noon.” I don’t need to clarify everyone; my parents know how tight-knit our group is.
“Really?” she asks, surprised.
“Yeah, Amelia’s sick.” I pause before saying that vile word. “Cancer.”
“Oh my.” Mom places her hand over her heart. “What can I do? What does she need? How is she?” she fires off.
“I’m not sure, I don’t know, and as good as can be expected,” I answer. I run my fingers through my hair. “She hasn’t told anyone else, so that’s what today is about.”
“Please give her a hug from us. Oh my, I just can’t believe this,” Mom says, more to herself than to us.
“Yes. Let us know what she needs,” Dad chimes in. He wraps his arm around Mom and pulls her close.
“Now I see where you get it,” Mara whispers just for me.
“Why don’t you guys take my truck, so you don’t have to move the seat back and forth?” I offer my parents. I need to change the subject. I don’t want to be upset when she gets here, making this day harder for her.
“Oh, we bought one.”
“What?” Mara asks, not able to hide her surprise.
“Yeah, that way, if we ever need to pick her up or want to take her with us, we’ll have it.” Mom shrugs like it’s no big deal while Mara sags against me. The weight of my family’s acceptance hits her hard.
“Give Mommy a kiss,” Dad says, stepping forward and allowing Finley to kiss her mom and give her a hug.
“Bye-bye, Momma.”
“Don’t forget Seth,” Dad tells her, stepping to the side, bringing her closer to me.
“My Sef,” she says, kissing my cheek and hugging me as well.
“Bye, Finny. Be good,” I say, then address my parents. “Thanks, guys. We can come and pick her up. Just call us when you’re home.”
“Oh, we’ll bring her home. You two do what you need to do. Send Amelia our love,” Mom says before they walk out the door.
“Oh my God. Seth, your parents.” Mara shakes her head. “I can’t believe… they’re just… they’re amazing. She’s never had grandparents in her life,” she says, wiping at her eyes.
“Now she does.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“We’re all here,” Ridge says as Kent takes a seat in the last remaining chair. Mara, Amelia, Tyler, Reagan, and I are on the sectional couch, Ridge and Kendall are i
n a chair, Kendall on his lap, while Mark and Dawn are on the loveseat. “Care to tell us what’s going on?”
“Yeah, you didn’t give us any explanation. Kept me up all night,” Kent grumbles.
I look over at Amelia as she chews on her bottom lip. “Amelia has something to tell you, but when she got here, she asked if we would tell you for her.” Mara leans into me on one side, while Amelia is on the other doing the same. “There is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to put it out there.” Reaching over, I lace my fingers with Mara’s and then do the same to Amelia, offering her support. “Amelia has cancer.”
The room is silent. Not a single word is spoken as they process the news. Amelia squeezes my hand, and I give hers a gentle squeeze back, giving her my silent support.
“I’m dying,” she whispers. Her whisper might have well been screaming for the silence in the room.
“Tell us everything, A,” Mark says, pulling Dawn into his side.
“I haven’t been feeling well. Just… off, you know? I came down with a cold a couple of months ago and I couldn’t seem to shake the cough. New Year’s Eve I’d had enough, so I broke down and went to the doctor. They did X-rays and found spots on my lungs.”
She takes a minute to collect herself. I stand and go to the bathroom to grab a box of tissues. Reaching under the cabinet, I grab two more. This is going to be hard to get through. When I get back, Mara is sitting next to Amelia, and they are huddled close, holding hands. I pass out the boxes of tissues, making sure Amelia has one and then take a seat next to Mara.
“I had to have some more tests. It was confirmed that I have lung cancer.”
“We’ll get a second opinion,” Ridge tells her.
She smiles through her tears. “I did that, Ridge. I got a second and a third. All three doctors gave me the same diagnosis and prognosis. Small cell lung cancer. Stage 2.”
“What does that mean?” Kent asks.
Amelia takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. “That means the maximum life expectancy of up to five years is 33 percent.” She sounds like a robot, a crying robot, as she relays the information.
“Explain that,” Reagan says, barely able to get the words out.
“There is no cure, Reags. Not for small cell, and five years is a generous guess. Most barely make it two.”
Kendall, Dawn, and Reagan stand, and head our way. I lean in and kiss Mara on the cheek and move to sit next to Mark, where Dawn was. The girls huddle around Amelia, offering her hugs and support while the five of us watch. Memories of growing up together, time at each of our houses, the park, playing ball in the street of Mark and Tyler’s subdivision. Everything comes flashing back like a movie reel. To look at her, she looks healthy. A little tired, but healthy. You would never know that cancer is eating away at her from the inside.
Fuck cancer.
“So what do we do?” Ridge asks, his voice thick. “How do we fight this?”
Mara and Amelia share a glance. “I-I’m not sure I want to.”
“What?” Kent stands and starts pacing. “What do you mean you don’t want to? You can fight this fucking thing, A. I know you can.”
“Kent.” Her voice breaks on a sob. “Th-The treatments are brutal. The chemo and the radiation kill your body. My quality of life will be shit.”
“You’re fighting for your life!” he booms.
“Hey.” Tyler stands and places a hand on his shoulder. “Calm down. Give her time to explain.”
“Do you hear her?” Kent makes eye contact with each of us guys. “Are you hearing what I’m hearing? That she’s just giving up?” He runs his fingers through his hair, his frustration and fear evident.
“Amelia, you have to fight this.” Ridge’s voice is pleading.
“What about an operation? Can they not remove it?” Tyler asks.
Amelia shakes her head. “No. They dumbed it down for me, basically saying that if they open me up, air hits this cancer, and it grows. Trying to remove it would be the worst course of action.”
“Amelia.” I pause, waiting for her to look at me. “We need you to fight.”
Tears roll down her cheeks. “I’ve talked to three different oncologists. They have all told me the same thing. The treatments are harsh. They will break me down. Sure, they may give me a few extra months, but I’ll be sick all that time. If I don’t do anything, I still have time where I’m me. The me you know. Not a me who’s too sick to come out of her house. I could live, for what time I have left, until it gets too bad, like I want. If I do these treatments, I’ll be sick all the time, drained of any and all energy.”
“How much time?” Dawn asks her. “If you don’t treat it, how much time?” It’s the question that I’m sure all of us have wanted to ask but didn’t have the courage. Dawn and Amelia grew close while Daisy was in the hospital. Their relationship is different from ours with Amelia, and even Mara’s.
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I’m not sure I want to know. I just want to l-l-live.” She stumbles over her words. “I just want to live,” she says again, this time her voice stronger.
“Why are you just now telling us?” Mark asks.
She looks over at Mara and sighs. “This one.” She motions her head toward Mara. “She wouldn’t let up until I told her what was going on.”
“I’m sorry,” Reagan says softly. “We knew something was up, but we didn’t want to pry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I know I should have told you. Hell, I haven’t even told my parents yet. Their health is not the best and I didn’t want to worry them until I was 100 percent certain. Now I am. I’ll be telling them tonight.”
“You want us to come with you?” Mara asks.
“We’ll be there,” Dawn says.
“We’ve got you,” Reagan chimes in.
“You’re not alone in this,” Kendall tells her.
“My heart is so full,” she says as more tears begin to fall. “I love you guys so much.” She makes it a point to look at each of us. “You all have been there with me since we were kids. I’m so happy that you’ve found these strong women to stand by your side.” She stops at Kent. “You all love so deeply.”
“We love you,” Tyler says confidently.
“I know. I also know that you don’t understand my reasoning, but I ask that you respect it. I’m going to die, no matter what I put my body through. That’s the outcome I have to face.”
“What about the tests?” I ask her. “You have more this week, right?”
She nods. “Yes, but those are to test my blood levels for treatment. If I’m not strong enough or my levels are not high enough, I can’t start treatment. They have me scheduled to start chemo on Friday. I do five rounds and then off a week, and then thirteen rounds of radiation. Then more tests, then more chemo. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be sick all the time. I’m going to go for the tests, but I’m canceling my chemo on Friday.”
“Please think about this,” Ridge says.
“I have. It’s all I’ve thought about. I know what I want. My mind is made up.”
“We’ll come with you,” Mara says. “To all of your appointments. You won’t have to do it alone. We’ll be there.”
“I know that. I love you all for it, but let me ask you something. Can you still be there? If I don’t go through with treatments? I need you.” She scans the room with her red-rimmed eyes. “All of you.”
“Yes,” all nine of us chorus in unison.
“Can you promise us something?” Kent asks. “Can you promise us you’ll think about it? That you’ll consider taking treatments? Everyone responds differently. You’re a fighter, A.”
She’s quiet as she processes his request. “I’ll give it further consideration, but, guys, I’ve had a couple of months to process this. To seek out second and third opinions. I’ve not come to this decision lightly.”
“Think about it,” Tyler says. “That’s all that we ask.”
“Okay.” She nods and wipes at
her eyes. “Now, enough of the heavy. Jennings, what do you have to eat around here?”
“To feed this brood?” I ask, knowing she’s trying to lighten the mood. “Not enough,” I say, and the guys chuckle. “Are we going out or do we want to order in?”
“Order in,” the ladies say immediately.
“Just order pizza. They deliver and none of us have to leave,” Dawn suggests.
“Pizza it is.” I make my way to the kitchen to make the call. As soon as I hang up, the guys are there. All five of us stand around the island looking forlorn.
“How do we convince her to fight?” Tyler asks.
“I don’t know that we can,” I say, running my fingers through my hair. “It’s ultimately her choice. I mean, I get what she’s saying.”
“She has so much to live for. She’s young, she has so much life ahead of her,” Kent says.
“I agree with you, but like Seth said, it’s her choice,” Ridge counters. “All we can do is be there for her.”
“Fuck, can our family not catch a break?” Mark says.
“We’ve been through some tough times,” Ridge agrees. “We have to be there for her no matter what she decides.”
“So, we just watch her die?” Tyler chokes on the words.
“From the sounds of it, that’s inevitable.”
“Fuck me, I can’t believe we’re discussing her death like the damn weather,” Mark grumbles. “I hate this. I fucking hate cancer.”
“She just told us last night, so I haven’t had time to research it myself. But she’s been consistent with her information and her decision. She’s never wavered. Not even once.”
“I’m sure Kendall and Dawn will be all over it,” Ridge says. They’re both nurses, so they probably understand this better than any of us.
“Fuck,” Tyler murmurs.
“We have to go out there and treat her like we always do,” Kent says. “That’s what she wants. She wants to live life to the fullest, and fuck me, but we’re going to give her that. Regardless of what she decides to do, we’re going to do that for her.”
