by Kaylee Ryan
“They’re on their way here.”
“Of course they are. Let me visit with Finley, and then you can go. Leave Mara. She doesn’t stare.”
I can’t hide my grin. If she’s feisty, she’s feeling better. Last week was the Fourth of July and the twenty-five-week mark of her pregnancy. We had a get together at our place, and the girls surprised her with a baby shower. It’s early on, but they wanted her to be in good health to participate, and we can all see this disease and the pregnancy are taking a toll on her.
The guys helped me paint the nursery, and together, she and Mara set it up. Mara and I needed to be ready for when he’s born, for raising him, and we wanted her to be as involved as possible. It was a tearful day for all of us, but together as a family, we got through it.
“Have you thought of anymore names?”
She sighs, and I know I have her. “Yeah, what do you think about Ryder?”
“Ryder Jennings,” I repeat aloud. “Sounds badass.” I grin at her.
“Yeah?” Her eyes, although tired, light up at my acceptance.
“Yeah, I’m digging it. Middle name?” I ask.
“You can say no, but I was thinking my last name for his middle name. You know, something of me that’s always with him.”
I nod. I have to fight hard to not show her my pain, knowing that she’s not going to see him grow up. “Ryder Anderson Jennings.” Standing from my chair, I walk to stand beside her bed and place my hand on her belly. Leaning in close, I whisper—my words only for my son, “I love you, buddy. Daddy can’t wait to meet you.”
When I look up, Amelia has streams of tears covering her cheeks. “I’m glad it was you, Seth. I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s true. I need you to know that. I’m glad someone up there was looking out for me and had the stars align to make it you. I can’t imagine what I would be feeling right now if this baby, if his father was some stranger or a random hook-up. I can’t imagine the fear of not knowing that he will always be loved and taken care of.”
“We would have never let that happen, any of us.”
“I know that.” She gives me a half smile. “But it sure makes it a hell of a lot easier not having to worry. I know he’s going to be safe, loved, and, most of all, that you’ll never let him forget me. That eases my soul, Seth. I know you think that this cancer has hardened me and, in a way, it has, but in others, it’s brought me peace.” She closes her eyes, and I think she’s going to nap like she should be when she continues to speak.
“In college, I went to this party and had too much to drink. Mara, she didn’t want to go as she had to work that night and said she was too tired. I begged her to come after she got off work, and because she’s the amazing friend that she is, she agreed.” She pauses for a long time, then starts again. “I remember being hot, so hot from a combination of too much alcohol and all the bodies that were at the frat party. I knew she was on her way, so I made my way to the porch for some air. Only when I got there, I wasn’t the first with that idea, so I kept walking, down the steps and around the side of the house. It was dark and cool, and the sound of the music from inside seeped outside, filling the night air. That’s why I didn’t hear him coming. Some guy—I’d never met him before—he came on fast and strong, pushing me up against the house, smashing his body into mine. The alcohol slowed my reflexes, and he had me pinned before I realized what was happening.”
“No,” I breathe. Her eyes open and she shakes her head.
“No. Mara, she saved me. Somehow over the music and the noise of the party, she heard me scream as she was approaching the house. She yelled for help, and a couple of the guys who were on the porch came running. They pulled him off me, and I slid to the ground. I remember Mara dropping to her knees next to me and pulling me into her. Later she told me the guys beat the hell out of him.”
“Thank God,” I murmur.
“You see, Mara and I, we’ve been through a lot. Not two months later, she found out she was pregnant with Finley. I was her roommate and volunteered my help until Blake came back, only he never came back. He never knew about the incredible little girl. We’ve been through it all, Mara and I, and to know she’s the one who will be helping you raise our son, that makes my heart smile, Seth. I know I keep repeating myself, but life, the timeline of events, they happen for a reason, and here we are full circle. You’re one of my oldest and dearest friends; we’re having a baby. A night neither of us remember resulted in a miracle I never thought would happen. Then you marry my best friend. It’s fate, and I need you to understand that I’m at peace with it. Does it suck? Absolutely, but the knowledge that he’s going to be safe, happy, and loved, that a part of me will live on with my family, that’s a rare gift that many in my situation never receive. I look at it as a blessing in disguise.”
I wipe at my eyes. What am I supposed to say to all that? Thankfully, my phone rings and I don’t have to, at least not right away.
“Hey, babe.”
“Hi, are you still at the hospital?” Mara asks.
“Yeah.”
“I’m on my way. I’m picking up a milkshake. Hopefully she can drink some of it. Do you want one?”
“No, I’m good. Thanks, though.”
“I packed up some scrapbook stuff we can work on for a few hours if she feels up to it. She’s making one for the baby.”
I’d assumed that was the case. “Be safe. Do you have Finny?”
“No.” She chuckles. “Your mom called and said she was trying to make cookies but couldn’t do it without Finley’s help. I just dropped her off.”
“Sounds like Mom. All right, I’ll see you in a few. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I wait for the line to go dead before sliding my phone back into my pocket. Looking up, I find Amelia with a dopey smile on her face. “I’ll make sure he never forgets you.”
She nods. “Make sure he sees that love you have for Mara. I want him to be a man who’s not afraid of love but runs toward it. Make sure he’s one of the good ones, just like his daddy and his uncles.”
“This sucks,” I say, taking in a deep breath as tears threaten to fall.
“It does,” she agrees, closing her eyes. We’re both quiet as we let ourselves get lost in our thoughts. “Seth,” she whispers.
“Yeah?”
“Stop staring.”
I can’t help but laugh at her. It wasn’t my intention to stare, but I’d been lost in thought. Since it was in her direction, I have no argument. “Nah, I’m good.” I chuckle, and if her eyes were open, I know she’d be rolling them.
“Knock, knock,” Mara says a few minutes later. She pushes open the door holding two milkshakes in her hands. “Peanut butter,” she says, setting the milkshake in front of Amelia before coming to sit next to me. Leaning in, I kiss her lips because if my wife is near, I need to be as close to her as I can get.
“What’s in the bag?” Amelia asks, taking a small sip of her milkshake.
That makes Mara smile. “I brought some stuff to work on.”
“You don’t have to sit with me. You have a little girl and a husband who’s annoying as hell.” Amelia tries to give me a stern look but fails, making us all laugh.
“Finley is with Steve and Shannon making cookies, and my husband has somewhere to be.”
“Where?” I ask.
She shrugs. “Not here.”
“I see how it is. We’re married now, you have my last name, and you no longer need me around,” I tease.
“Meh.” She laughs, and I lean in to kiss her again.
“Fine. I’m going. This one kept yelling at me anyway.” I stand and go to Amelia, kissing her forehead. “Call if you need anything, and don’t be corrupting my wife telling her stories about me.”
“No promises,” Amelia sings.
“Trouble. You two are nothing but trouble.” Bending, I whisper to her belly, “Take care of your mommy.” Then I go to Mara and bend to kiss her softly. “I love you. I’ll
see you at home.”
“Be careful.” She smiles up at me. I can see the joy of the life we’re building clouded with sadness and pain for our friend. They say life doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but sometimes I think that “they,” whoever that may be, was living in some kind of alternate universe. Our family has been through enough. We need some good. Maybe even a miracle.
I drove around for a while after leaving the hospital. I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. I hate when Finny and Mara are gone. It’s too quiet. So I drove until I ended up at the high school. I walk the football field and remember back when the five of us used to tear up this field. Those were the days. Not a care in the world. Although I don’t want to go back, I miss the times when life seemed to be simpler. I’m sitting in the middle of the field at the fifty-yard line when my phone rings.
“Hey,” I greet Kent.
“What’s up?”
“Oh, you know, reliving the glory days.”
“Yeah? How exactly are you doing that?”
“I’m at the high school field. Just… needed to clear my head.”
“Want some company?”
I think about his question. Do I? Yeah, if it’s one of my best friends, one of my brothers, then yes, I’ll always take their company. “Sure.”
“Be there in ten,” he says as the line goes dead.
Lying back on the grass, I stare up at the blue-lit skies. It won’t be long and the colors will begin to change as the sun sets and night falls. I let the past few years play out in my mind. It seems as though we’ve taken hit after hit, and although everything works out in the end and life moves on, it’s still a lot to take on. Closing my eyes, I send up a silent prayer that I can make it through these next few months. Becoming a father for the second time… Amelia… everything is so uncertain, except for the fact that we know our time with her is fading fast.
“What are we looking at?” Kent asks.
Slowly, I open my eyes and turn to where his voice came from. He’s lying on the ground next to me looking up at the clouds. “Nothing.”
“You doing okay?”
“Nope.” I turn back to the sky.
“Figured as much. How is she?”
“Feisty.”
He chuckles. “That’s good. Means she’s feeling better. I haven’t been there to see her today.”
“I left when Mara got there. They basically kicked me out.”
“I see who wears the pants in your marriage,” he teases.
I laugh, but he’s got it all wrong. “It’s not that she wears the pants as much as I’d do anything for her. When she smiles and those green eyes of hers light up, yeah, I’d do anything to see that happen.”
“Yeah,” he says like he knows.
Now’s my chance to see what’s going on with him. “Want to talk about it? About her?”
His entire body freezes. “Not really.”
“When you do, you know where to find me.”
“It was a long time ago,” he admits.
“How did we not know about this?”
“Because I was a dick, kept her quiet. She moved on.”
“You sure about that?” I ask him. “Seems to me if you’re this torn up, she might be too. And fuck you for not telling us.”
He laughs. “What’s that saying? I wish I knew then what I know now?”
“You didn’t know then that you loved her?”
“I never said I loved her.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over you. More so the last few months.”
“It’s hard not to think about her when I see all of you happy, getting married, starting families. Makes me wish for what might have been.”
“Call her.”
“That ship has sailed,” he says with a heavy sigh. “Now, I thought I said I didn’t want to talk about it?”
“Right.” I laugh. My phone rings, and I pull it out of my pocket seeing my mom’s face on the screen. “Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, honey. Finley wants to talk to you.”
I sit up. “Okay. Is everything all right?”
“Yes, dear, everything is fine. Here she is.”
“Hi, Daddy.”
Her tiny little fist squeezes at my heart just hearing her voice alone, but when she calls me Daddy, I doubt I’ll ever stop feeling pure joy when she says it. “Hi, Finny. Are you having fun with Mamaw?”
“I’s maked cookies.”
“You did? Did you save one for Daddy?”
“He can’t see you nod, sweetie.” I hear my mom whisper.
“My did,” she answers. “I take some to Auntie A?” she asks.
My little girl has her momma’s heart. “Yes. I’ll be there to get you in just a little while, okay?”
“’Kay, Daddy.” She hands the phone back to my mom.
“It was her idea. She said the baby needed cookies.”
“She hasn’t been eating much, but I know for Finley she’ll try. Might not be the most nutritious, but it’s food all the same. I’m leaving the field now and heading your way.”
“The field?”
“Yeah, Kent and I were just catching up.”
“Oh, well, you be safe.” I know she wants to say more, wants me to open up to her, but there’s nothing to say. This situation is beyond normal, and we’re just taking it all one day at a time.
“I’m going to head over to the hospital. I’ll see you there?” Kent asks, standing.
“Yeah. I’ll be right behind you.” With that, we leave the field and the memories of our youth behind us. During the drive to my parents, I vow that my kids will be kids for as long as possible. I want them to live happily and as carefree for as long as they can. They’ll have adult problems and the challenges that life brings their way soon enough.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Mara 24
* * *
I’m in the hospital reading on my Kindle while Amelia sleeps peacefully. She had a rough night last night, so I’m glad she’s getting some rest. She’s thirty-three weeks today, and she’s still here. Her team of doctors, both for her and the baby, thought the sterile environment was best. She’s on oxygen all the time now, and her body is weak. She’s all belly as baby Ryder grows stronger every day. They do daily ultrasounds, which all three of us have come to look forward to. She has another one scheduled this afternoon, and Seth asked her if we could bring Finley.
Amelia was all for it, and my heart melted at his thoughtfulness. It’s going to be hard to explain to a three-year-old she has a baby brother that wasn’t in her mommy’s belly. Thankfully she’s too young to really understand. One day we’ll have to explain it all to her. But Seth, my husband, he’s amazing. He’s always putting me, Finley, and Amelia first. Sure, it’s not the ideal situation, but the three of us, we have this… bond. It’s deep, and instead of brooding or being pissed off, we’ve embraced this unexpected turn of events and are focusing on the here and now.
“Hey,” Amelia croaks.
I hit the Off button on my Kindle and place it on the table beside me. I wasn’t really reading anyway. I was too lost in my thoughts. Standing, I offer her a drink of water.
“Thank you.”
“You get rested?” I ask.
“I did, actually. What time is it?”
“Just after three.”
“Seth is supposed to be here with Finley. He didn’t forget, did he? You better call him. I want her to see this. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier,” she rasps.
“No, he didn’t forget. He left work about ten minutes ago. He’s picking her up from his mom’s and heading this way. He’ll be here.”
“Good, that gives us some time. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” She takes a deep breath and coughs. I stand close in case she needs… I don’t know what, but I’m here for whatever it might be.
“Okay,” I say once her coughing subsides.
“I want you to be Ryder’s mom.”
My heart falls to
my feet as I brace myself on her bed to keep from falling. “Amelia—” I start, but she cuts me off by holding up her hand.
“Let me say this.” She waits for me to nod that I’m going to stay quiet and listen. “I know you, Mara. I know the person you are and the love you have for your daughter. I want my son to have that love, to feel it.”
“Amelia,” I whisper as pain slices through me for my best friend. For my husband and their unborn child.
“I want him to call you Mom. You are and will be his mother for the rest of his life. I want you to adopt him,” she says, wiping a tear from her eye. “I want you to love him for both of us.”
My heart stalls in my chest. “I love him already,” I confess.
She nods. “I know you do. I know this is a forgone conclusion since you and Seth are married, but I felt like I needed to say it. I don’t want there to be any regrets or feelings of guilt after I’m gone.” She pauses, catching her breath. She loses it so quickly these days. “I want you to love him freely with the knowledge I’m smiling down on you. Every time he calls you Mom, my heart will be full because I know that you are the one person on this earth, other than his daddy, who will love him like only I could.”
I reach for her hand as tears flood my cheeks. I don’t think I can speak for the lump in my throat. Instead, I let her words play in my mind. My free hand rests on her belly, careful of the fetal monitors. I look up to find her watching me, tears that match my own tracking down her cheeks.
“Promise me, Mara. Promise me you will love him with no regrets. That there will be zero guilt. Love him for both of us.”
I nod. “I promise. With all that I am, I promise you he will be loved enough for both of us, and I will never ever let a day pass that he doesn’t know how truly amazing you are. I’ll tell him how you fought for him, loved him the minute you knew he was growing inside you.”
