by Kaylee Ryan
“You said your wife wants a tattoo too?”
He’s confused, which is understandable. I go on to give him the CliffsNotes. “So, there you have it.”
“Wow. All right, so yeah, I’d be happy to. I’m sure Asher is up for it as well. When are you thinking?”
“Sooner than later. I-I d-don’t know how much longer….” I trail off, not able to finish the sentence.
“You got it. Let me talk to Tatum and Asher. I’ll give you a call once we have a time set up. I’ve got you.”
My shoulders sag in relief. “Thanks, Blaise.”
“Don’t mention it. I’ll be in touch.” The line goes dead.
I’m glad it’s going to be him. I trust them. They do great work, and I know they’re not going to be hitting on our wives. They’re madly in love with their own. Heading back to the room, I see that Ridge and Kendall are gone, but Tyler and Reagan have taken their place.
“He’s such a cutie,” Reagan coos.
“You need another one of those,” I say in greeting.
She looks up and smiles.
“Go ahead,” Tyler tells her.
“We’re pregnant,” she blurts, making Amelia and me laugh. “Sheesh, I’ve been holding that in.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks,” she and Tyler reply at the same time.
“The twins are two and a half, and potty training is going great, so yeah, we’re hoping they will be at least just in nighttime pull-ups, but if not….” She shrugs.
“It will all work out,” Amelia tells her. “I’m so excited that they all get to grow up together like we did.”
“Amelia,” Reagan says, and you can hear the regret in her voice.
“No.” Amelia waves her off. “We all know it’s happening. I want you to keep going. I want you all to keep living. Having adorable babies. Lifetime friends for Ryder. It brings me peace.”
“We’re due mid-July,” Reagan tells her.
“We’re getting so many kiddos, I need to make sure I put all these birthdays in my phone. I don’t want to forget them,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
“Well, you two are the first to know.”
“Is it a secret?” I ask. If so, I need to make sure I don’t slip in front of the guys or worse, the twins.
“Not anymore,” Tyler answers.
We talk for a while longer. Tyler holds Ryder, and when Mark and Dawn come in, they leave, letting them have their turn to visit with us and Ryder. Mara comes back while they’re still here, and like my wife, she’s always prepared and has more than enough food for everyone, so we all sit and eat together in Amelia’s room. I keep an eye on Amelia, and she barely picks at her food, but that’s to be expected. That’s what landed her here all those weeks ago.
“I’m not staying here,” Amelia announces once Mark and Dawn have left, and the remnants of dinner have long since been forgotten.
I nod. I don’t bother to argue; I knew this was coming. “Okay.”
“We’ve got you all set up at our place. We’ve turned the dining room into your room, and we made up the spare bedroom for your parents. They’re more than welcome to stay too, anytime they want.” This has been the plan, but we never told her how we were going to execute it.
“The dining room is set off from the kitchen and the living room. We hardly ever use it with the island as we eat in the kitchen. It will be the easiest for your hospital bed and equipment. We moved the loveseat and a few chairs in there so that when you have visitors, they’ll be comfortable.”
She shakes her head as tears well in her eyes. “I love you both. So much. I don’t know how I could do this without you both. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me, and for loving Ryder the way that you do.”
“He’s my son,” I tell her.
“And mine,” Mara says, choking on the admission as tears fall unchecked. “W-We love him. We l-l-love you too.”
“You better get some sleep. This little guy”—I point to Ryder, who is snuggled up on my chest—“is going to be hungry again soon.” It’s not that I can’t feed him, but I know she wants to. And we don’t know how many more chances she’s going to have to do so.
I watch as Amelia smiles before her eyes flutter closed as exhaustion takes over. Mara snuggles up to me in the lounge chair that unfolds into a bed. Amelia is breathing hard, but I know she’s asleep even as she struggles to breathe evenly. Mara relaxes against me, and Ryder, he’s snoozing his fast little baby breaths against my neck. I don’t sleep, afraid that one of them will need me. I’ll try for a few hours after Ryder eats. Right now, I’m just taking in the moment where we’re all together. My gut tells me we don’t have many more of these.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Amelia 26
* * *
I was discharged from the hospital two days ago. Mara and Seth set me up with a hospital bed, and we have a homecare nurse who comes in every day and helps me do simple tasks like take a bath. I can’t seem to do anything without running out of air and feeling light-headed. Mara offered to do it, but I refused to let her. I don’t want her to have to take care of me. She has a husband and two kids to take care of. Ryder is her son just as much as he is mine. And although it might sound strange, I’m happy about that. When this disease does take me, he will never lack the love of a mother from a woman who will treat him as if he’s part of her in every way.
Glancing over at my son who is sleeping in his bassinet, I smile. I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like shit, my body is weak, and I’m on oxygen all the time, but my heart is happy. Sure, it’s heart breaking to know I’m leaving him, but I’ve known all along that I wasn’t going to have much time. That’s why I’m writing these letters.
I have cards for the big birthdays: one, five, ten, thirteen, sixteen, eighteen, and twenty-one. I wish I could give him a card every year for the rest of his life, but I don’t have that in me. The letters, those are for big days like graduating high school, getting married, and having a baby. I want him to know I’m going to be there with him in spirit no matter where life takes him. Mara also helped me make him a scrapbook. We took weekly pictures of my baby bump as he grew and documented his kicks, each doctor’s appointment, sonogram pictures. You name it, we documented it.
I hate that this is how my son will know me, but at the same time, it’s more than what most people get. Look at Mara, she has nothing of her parents, no memories, no pictures, nothing to document her family.
Speaking of Mara, she’s been fantastic through all of this. I am so glad that things have worked out the way they have. Seth needed a good woman, and Mara, well, she and Finley needed a man to stand by them. They needed to be part of a family, and ours, well, it’s huge, and once you’re in, the bond is everlasting.
Ryder starts to fuss and Seth appears in the doorway. “I think someone’s hungry,” he says, holding up a bottle. Stepping into the room, he pulls the table away, and hands me the bottle. He then goes to the bassinet and lifts our son to his chest. He kisses his little head before placing him in my arms. “You need anything?” he asks.
“No. We’re all set. Thanks, Daddy.”
He grins. “You’re welcome. Just ring the bell when you’re done or call me.” He disappears out of the room before I can say anything else. He’s been great about giving me time with Ryder. Mara has taken what feels like thousands of pictures. During the day, I take care of his needs, and at night, they take over. I’ve gotten pretty good at changing diapers on my lap. There have only been a few incidents where he peed on me and one dirty diaper that was out of control. I had to call for backup as it was everywhere. Seth came to my rescue while Mara captured the moment with her camera. I’m not sure that’s how I want my son to remember me, but then again, I want him to know that I did what I could for him, while I was still here.
“You better slow down, piglet,” I tell my son as he sucks greedily on his bottle. “You know Mommy’s going to have to take that from you to burp.”
His dark eyes stare up at me without a care in the world. “I love you so much, baby boy. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. Mommy has to go away. It’s not because I don’t love you, I love you so much my heart is bursting. Sometimes mommies and even daddies have to leave those they love behind. It’s not fair, but you’ll find out that there are a lot of things in life that are not fair. There are going to be times when you have to be the bigger person and just walk away. Trust your dad and Mara. She’s your mom too and they will always want what’s best for you.”
I pause, pulling the bottle from his mouth. He grunts and whines, but he needs to burp. Careful of my oxygen tube, I place him on my shoulder and start to rub and lightly tap his back. “Whenever you need to talk, just start talking. I promise you that I’ll always be listening. I love you so much.” I bite down on my bottom lip to keep the tears at bay. I know babies can sense when the person holding them is upset, and I don’t want that for him.
“There you go, little man,” I praise when he finally burps. Settling him back in the crook of my arm, I give him the rest of his bottle. The second half he takes his time as his eyes droop and he falls asleep. Instead of calling for Seth or Mara, I hold him just a little longer. I know that my days of taking care of him are few and far between.
Softly, I start to sing “Godspeed” by the Dixie Chicks. Tears coat my face, and my chest aches. I have never loved someone as much as this baby in my arms. “You, my son, are my greatest gift and my greatest accomplishment in life. I’ll love you always.”
“Perfect,” Mara says, lowering her camera and wiping at her eyes. “I recorded that, the song, that is. I hope you don’t mind.”
“N-No,” I manage to reply.
“Come on, Ryder. Mommy, it’s time to take a bath.” She steps into the room, sets her camera on a small end table, and takes Ryder from my arms. “I’ll bring him back.” She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. I watch them leave, my heart cracking wide open at the thought of leaving him.
Fuck cancer.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Mara 27
* * *
“I’m nervous,” I tell the hot-as-hell guy who’s covered in ink sitting next to me on a small stool. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not my Seth, but he’s easy on the eyes.
“Just relax.” His wife, Tatum, smiles kindly. “I was nervous too, but it’s not as bad as some people make it seem. You’ve endured childbirth. You’ll be fine.”
“Relax, babe.” Seth chuckles. He’s sitting next to me with Ryder strapped to his chest. Finley is with his parents, so thankfully I don’t have to worry about her being around the needles.
“You want one of my pain pills?” Amelia jokes.
“No.” I stick my tongue out at her. She’s looking down at her wrist where her tattoo resides. We all decided the small ink would go on our left wrists. “I guess it’s not fair I had that small advantage, but really, you’re going to be fine.”
“I’m done,” Kendall says, showing me her ink. Blaise’s brother, Asher, did hers.
“I’m going to need your number,” Reagan tells him. “As soon as this baby is born, I’m coming to get mine. No way are these ladies having all the fun.”
“I’ll take you to him,” Tyler assures her.
“You’re the last to hold out,” Kent teases.
“No, Dawn still has to go,” I defend. He nods toward the other chair, and Asher already has Dawn’s design on her wrist and is bent over placing the needle to her skin. “Do it,” I tell Blaise, closing my eyes.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I grit my teeth when the needle hits my skin. I wince, but it’s not as bad as I was thinking.
Not long after, Blaise’s voice startles my eyes open. “You’re all set.” Blaise grins down at me.
“Really?” I ask, surprised.
He laughs. “Yeah, it’s a simple small outline.”
“Huh, not so bad. Maybe I might get more.”
“Your husband knows where to find me,” he tells me, still laughing.
“It’s hot, babe.” Seth leans in and kisses me.
“So are you, especially with your little man there.” I smile at him. He’s taken so well to being the daddy of his baby boy. I’m honored to call this man my husband.
“You guys want to stick around?” Seth asks Blaise.
“We’d love to, but our twins both have games tomorrow. We need to get home and get them in bed. My mom can’t seem to say no to them.”
“I really appreciate you doing this,” Seth tells him.
“Anytime. Don’t be strangers,” he responds.
Seth peers down at me. “We’ll be coming for a visit soon. I have to get some ink for my kids.” He smiles down at me and I grin back. We got the final documents in the mail yesterday. He’s officially Finley’s dad in the eyes of the law. The adoption is final. He grinned from ear to ear all day. He snuggled with both kids pretty much all day.
We say our goodbyes to Blaise and Asher, and their wives, Grace and Tatum. The rest of the night, we sit around laughing and talking. The girls and I all take a ton of pictures of the guys goofing off with Amelia. She laughs and smiles and snuggles baby Ryder, but her eyes tell me what she won’t. She’s tired, she’s in pain, and this is all too much excitement for one day.
“I’m beat,” I say, faking a yawn and stretching my arms above my head. Kendall catches my eye, and I give a subtle nod toward Amelia, who has her eyes closed, with Ryder lying on her chest.
“Yeah, we should be getting home. It’s rare we have a night without the kids.” Kendall lightly bumps her shoulder into Ridge, and that’s all it takes for him to stand and take her hand in his. Not that she needed the innuendo. That man would ask how high if she said jump. They all would. We’re all really lucky to have each of them in our lives.
Couple by couple, our friends leave until it’s just Seth, Kent, Amelia, me, and baby Ryder.
“Let me help you to bed,” I tell Amelia. I hand Ryder off to Seth and help her stand.
“You need help?” Kent asks.
“Nah.” Amelia waves him off even when she wobbles on her feet.
“Stubborn-ass woman,” he grumbles. Standing, he scoops her up in his arms. She doesn’t protest. Instead, she rests her head against his chest, loops her arms around his neck, and accepts the fact that walking is harder and harder for her.
“Thank you, Kenton.” Amelia’s voice is soft, pained that she needs help.
“Anything for you, beautiful.” He winks and leaves us alone.
“I’m going to miss that.” She half laughs, half coughs the words.
“Miss what?” I ask, confused.
“Kent. When he finds the one who brings him to his knees, I’m going to miss it. It’s been fun watching each of the guys with their wives and kids. I just hate that I’m going to miss it.”
What do I say to that? I can’t tell her to think positive. I love her too much to lie to her. We both know she’s fading fast. Instead, I nod like I understand, and I do, but telling her that does nothing for either of us. Instead, I help her change into her pajamas and tuck her into bed. I double-check her oxygen tank, making sure she’s good through the night. Reaching into the bedside table, I pull out the locked box where we store her medication. It’s not worth the risk with Finley in the house. Standing, I grab the key from a high hook, that even if she climbed or tried to she could never reach, and unlock it. Gathering her nightly medications, I hand them to her one at a time and hold the glass of water with a straw for her.
“Mara.” Her voice cracks. “I love you. My entire life I was surrounded by the guys; they were my closest friends. I was the girl who had more guy friends than girls, and I was scared as hell to go to college and leave them behind, but then I met you, and it was all okay. I need you to know what you mean to me, what our friendship means before I can’t.”
“I love you too.” I want to tell her that we have time, that she’s just hit a rough patch and things w
ill be better, but we both know that’s not true.
“Can you do something for me? I want to finish his scrapbook. The one of up to his birth and his birth. Can you and the girls maybe help me with that? I just don’t know if I can do it on my own.”
“Done.”
“And could you maybe go shopping for me? I want to get him birthday cards for each birthday, and a graduation card, two of them because I’m not sure if he’ll go to college, and wedding, and baby, and—” She stops when a sob breaks free. “God, I’m going to miss so much.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, not knowing what else to say. It sucks. Cancer sucks. “Fuck cancer,” I say, and she giggles through her tears.
“Look at you dropping F-bombs.”
“It was fitting.”
“Yeah,” she agrees, wiping at her eyes.
“I guess I just need to do the milestones, maybe not cards. Some nice stationery maybe? I’ll do a few cards, the big birthdays, and letters for the big events. I just… I want him to know how much I love him.”
“He’ll never go a day without knowing. I give you my word.”
“He’s so lucky to have two mommies who love him.”
“I’m good with being Mara. I don’t want to fill your shoes. I never could.” It’s true. I have no problem being Mara to Ryder. He has a momma.
“No. You’re his mother. I know you’re going to love him and nurture him as if he was your blood. I want that for him, for all of you.”
“He’ll never not know who you are, Amelia. I promise with everything in me, he will always know what you did to give him life.”
“I wasn’t taking treatments regardless.”
“But even if you wanted to, when you found out about him, you wouldn’t have. I know you.”
She shrugs. “I was always going to be here. He will always be the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. Giving him life. I’m sorry for how it all turned out with Seth, I just—” I hold up my finger to stop her.
