by Prerna . K
I was not able to sleep, I was lying in between Christina and Jas, and obviously, I wanted to sleep somewhere near James. But he was sleeping at the corner, Maira was beside him, I felt like “shitttt,” but that was it. I was again thinking about the same thing; again my mind went into deep discussion, again in between those anxious, confusing emotions. I don’t even know why I was investing so much time in this.
But then again the worries rose on the question of what if he did not turn out to be the one, and I spoil everything, for worst hurt one more person. But yeah this was a strong point, this guy had something that for the first time forced me to think, he can be my James.
But on the other hand, I have this crazy celebration going on in me that finally, I have found him. That voice was like, waste time in all these confusing thoughts, I know at last he is your James; you both are going to be together very soon. Like literally, you found James. He is in front of you, idiot.
After a lot of over-thinking my mind switched to some other situations. I started building a conversation with him, imagining we were sitting outside in the dark, below the beautiful sky. And it was awesome to imagine. I felt a strong urge to talk to him, like that. Then my attention shifted to the calmness, of this settled night and imaginary conversation with this James continued.
I don’t know when I fall asleep. I woke up in the middle of that night, the whole tent was dark, smooth cold breeze filled the atmosphere; everyone was shriveled inside their blankets. Tip of my nose was very cold, which made me realize and feel that cold breeze I was talking about.
I don’t know why, I was not able to go back in my sleep; I was too attracted by the darkness and stillness of the night. I wanted to spend some time out. Somewhere I was hoping to see him outside. I pulled myself out of my bed and went out. Seriously, the sky was perfect black, the stars were spread all around the sky, and like always it left me dazed. After midnight sky is truly magnificent and adorable.
As I moved a little away from the tent I found someone lying alone on the big open field. First I was scared; I thought that was a dead body. But when the image became clearer I recognized it was somebody enjoying his solitude or sleeping below the open sky. I literally thought he was James, but I not wanted to disturb the person, so I turned back.
“Who is there?” The person shouted with a little terror, when my feet dragged on the grass.
I turned back,
“Oh Ritz you scared me.” He said after looking at my face for two seconds.
“James is that you,” I asked.
“Yeah” He said turning his face.
“Damn it you scared me. Why are you lying here like this?” I said in response. But seriously crackers of celebration were blowing in my head.
“Because I do not want to sleep, I like this night” he said.
“Oh”, I took a step forward then hold back, “am I disturbing you,” I asked, just for the formality, or I can say, indirectly insisting him to say, no, not at all, come, sit with me. Something like that.
“Maybe, are you feeling sleepy?” He asked, sitting on the grass, earlier he was laying, remember.
“No,” I replied.
“So why are you going back to the tent. Are you afraid of me?” he said.
“I thought you were enjoying your own company, so I shouldn’t disturb you,” I said, and I thought he is disturbed, maybe I should seriously leave.
He smiled, “that’s sweet of you,” he said with a sexy smile. “But I won’t be disturbed by your company.”
I smiled and thought, what, claps for you, you impressed me.
“It will be my pleasure lady if you join me and share this gorgeous moment with me.” He said to me, when I was standing there quietly, he might have thought, I not got his indirect request.
“Wow that was so good” I said, walking towards him, and sitting beside him.
“Yeah reading Shakespeare, that’s why”
“You also like reading,” I asked.
“Yeah, I have a lot of time.”
“Me too”
“Do you like reading poetry?” I asked, just trying to drag this topic, for keeping on the conversation, and not fall in an awkward silence.
“Dude, do you like reading poetry.” He asked lifting his eyebrows, as if he was thinking, no way, not one more similarity. And I was like, I asked you because I wanted to tell you I love reading them. Like, I will never ask, if you like accountancy. When I myself hate it, Common sense, no problem, if it is less in you, you can borrow from me.
“Yeah of course, I love poems,” I said. “What about you?”
“Yeah, very much recently, I love poets now.”
I smiled inside. Thanks for telling me in advance.
“Marry a poet then,” I said teasingly.
“Nope, nothing like that.” He said.
“Why?” I retaliated. After all, I'm a poet myself, what is the problem with us?
“Because I gonna marry a poetess.” He said, joyously.
I laughed and clapped, actually this reaction was obvious to be in my head, but sometimes I lose control and by mistake react, on things I don’t like or I shouldn’t, to add I said “lame.” And thought shit, looking at him, his ego, shit.
“Oh don’t say that after laughing on my joke.”He said smilingly, looking at me through his gorgeous shining eyes.
I smiled, that was a good one, I liked that response. But my eyes were stuck on his eyes which were shining like a prism and his iris looked gorgeous,
“Wow your eyes they are, they are so perfect. I love that blue color, dude.” I was literally going to hold his face losing myself in admiration but I controlled myself.
“You didn’t notice my eyes before.” He asked.
“No, I noticed them, but the first time I'm looking at them this close, they are charismatic. Goodness.”
He smiled looking down; “you know you are like a little kid.” He said afterward.
“Yeah kids like shiny things,” I said. Remembering, shin chan’s sister who loved shiny things
“No not because of that.” He said looking at me.
“Oh were you seriously saying that,” I asked.
He smiled, “babe see, I like your foolish acts, but give me some time to react.” He said, looking at me, closely, very properly, I liked his stare.
I blushed. Thinking, babe, he said me, babe, pause this moment, god
“Ohk baby,” I said. He smiled.
“Okay leave that,” he said, with a smile.
His smile is a goddamn killer; I literally can’t keep my eyes off him.
Moments later, when I was staring at the sky I said “I love the sky. I literally can’t keep my eyes off them.”
“Is there anything you don’t love or you do hate?” He asked making his eyebrows. His expressions are so good.
“Nope, like, why should I keep track of things I hate?” I said.
“Have you ever faced break up?”
“I m single since I was born”
“What the fuck, seriously,” He asked.
“Yeah!” I said.
“Why and how? You don’t look and talk like singles. No one proposed to you?” Ohk he can have a heart attack right now, his little heart can’t face this big shock. I thought, looking at his reaction.
“Many did,” I replied. And thought, his head is soon going to blast.
“Ohk so the person you like he didn’t propose you.” He asked smartly. But I'm smarter, listen to this.
“My every crush is crushing over me,” I said smartly, as if I was narrating some of my achievement.
“So why are you single, damn it?” he asked. His expression made me think, he survived this shock, and he could be in coma otherwise. So should I tell him about James? No, it will be like giving him a ticket to heaven, he will seriously die, this time. I was talking to myself, but the reason I gave him was,
“Because I wanted to stay single...”
“Why? Don’t you like relationships?
” he asked, but no I will not tell about James, hot boy will die damn it. These words were coming out of the circus I carry in my head, so don’t take them seriously,
“I love them, but I was waiting for somebody,” I said and thought shit; he will ask more questions now. This time, I was serious.
“Oh, don’t tell me it is prince charming type of something.” He said.
I was shocked this time, I was like, you have this much brain, seriously. Impressive In the while these things were going in me,
“Exactly!” I said in a flow, “shit. Book a ticket for him; he is soon going to heaven.” I thought.
“What exactly, Oh god kill me, how could I underestimate her. My little kid.” He replied, without asking any question which was unexpected, but good, I felt relieved.
My little kid, sound good, is everything right between us god, or again.. I thought in a bit of pleasure and in between of my mess.
This teasing and foolish conversation went for a little long, and then we both were quiet for some reason, staring the sky together like owls.
He looked towards me, and I know he saw me really nicely and turned back after smiling.
I looked towards him and stared him until he turned his eyes towards me,
“What happened?” he asked pleasantly.
“Nothing, I love admiring beautiful things,” I said, calmly.
“And you are beautiful.” We both said together, very calmly and again he passed that cute smile.
“I mean that,” I said.
“Me too.” He said.
Again with that cute smile, kill me god, kill me.
“Have you seen this movie?”
“Nope, I have read the book,” I said.
“Nice, I saw it with my ex-girlfriend.” He said, turning his eyes back to the sky.
“Oh, how long ago your girlfriend became your ex,” I asked.
He smiled, “approx two and a half years ago.” He said looking towards me.
“Ohk” I said with a long breath, like stretching the word, “How long were you guys together?” I asked.
“Approx a half year” He said.
“Nice, you might have a lot of good memories with her,” I said.
“Yeah, Bad too”
“Bad because you started missing the good one..Or maybe good ones were missed out in counting the bad ones,” I said with a bit of seriousness.
“Yeah actually that creates sense.” He said after being quiet for some time, maybe trying to understand what I said.
“Hmm, do you want to talk about her?” I asked, thinking he wanted to, but needed a push.
“I'm alright, its fine.” He said, staring the sky.
“Good.” I liked that attitude, I hope he meant it. He was seriously fine.
I was speechless after this; I really don’t understand why people don’t share what they want to share. I felt like he wanted to talk about something but he wants me to ask some questions related to that something. I m an asshole, I don’t like to ask people about their personal life, I love that they like to share things with me but I don’t want to inquire about anything. So I was sitting there quietly, staring at the sky.
“I think I still love her.”
“Good, you should.”
He looked towards me and smiled. And we went back to the sky. I mean, we again started staring it.
"Do you want her back?" i asked thinking about it.
"No, she is happier, and I don’t feel like to hold her, we were more or less a wrong match, but I just love her. I do."
"Impressive, I really liked that,"
In my opinion, why can’t we take it easy, is it important to always hold the thing with us, if we love them. Or if we lose them it was not love. I really liked it, that he said I just love her. I feel that’s true, I just, and my love isn’t reduced knowing she love someone else. It’s me who love, without praying to be attached again. That’s beautiful, Ohk, leave this, come back, I said to myself looking at the sky.
He took a long breath and lay back on the grass. He said very peacefully, “this sky is really beautiful.”
I smiled and laid down thinking “I told you earlier.”
This time we were pretty close to each other, he was lying straight and I was a little diagonal, such that my head was just some inches away from his shoulder and our legs were a meter far from each other. His hand was on his chest otherwise I would have held it. My hand was lying on the grass, just like Hazel giving him a chance to hold it.
We both stared at the sky for really long, just feeling the quietness and stillness of the surrounding. I felt very calm; there was a very peaceful flow of poetic lines in my mind that was devoting me even more to this moment. I was thinking how crazy it was for me in the starting to live a dream lover, and know I was lying beside him, it feels unique kind of good, though I practiced it so many times, thinking how I will react when I will find him. But this was still unbelievable and unacceptable though a lot relaxing.
I got him somewhere inside me,
He was nowhere hidden but I seek him,
Inside me
He gotta made me feel love
When I couldn’t touch him
He is always here
Somewhere beside me,
But no one can see, without eyes like me.
He is not apart,
Rather far from me,
He too has got me, somewhere inside him.
James started singing very slowly and gently a song that I could not catch, but the little music and tunes I could hear. It felt like he was singing it for himself so I didn’t want to interfere I like the composure he was in.
We both were tired and this night was too peaceful, for some time I guess we were in a very deep nap. When I woke up I saw the surroundings, it was nor dark, was neither clear, the time between 3:30 to 4:30. He was sleeping very peacefully, turned towards my side. He was looking like a white vampire. I thought to kiss him, but I couldn’t touch him, Manners.
So I wake him up, he was literally a baby, half awake, half in sleep.
"Are you sure??"
He is James
We both were the last ones to wake up the next morning. Everyone was having tea and coffee; we joined them, and decided what to do next. We had three options. The first was to enjoy some recreational sports here. Or go on rafting. The second was to go back and roam or shop in the markets. And third was to see some more beautiful spots around.
We wanted to do everything but for today we decided to enjoy recreational sports, and chill here. James, Jas and Ben wanted to click photos so they went for that.
We all later joined in the evening during the time of sunset. Jas, was showing me the photos she has clicked, I was too excited to tell her what happened last night. So we both with Neha went for a walk and I told every little thing that I could. She asked me when I finished, “are you sure, he is James.”
“I feel this, and it is weird, but I have a very strong intuition that yes he is the one I was looking for so long.”
“I m very happy for you dude, seriously, we have found our James?” she said in the same unbelievable excitement.
“I strongly believe we have,” I said thinking about it.
“God, isn’t this, just too crazy. You have made me half mad talking about him, and now he is seriously here. You know when I talk to him I feel like I'm talking to somebody who knows me for years and to whom I know for years. I seriously want to tell him, how much you have roasted me, talking about him.”
“This is so unbelievable kind of trust on him,” Neha said.
“Yeah, and It is weird, like I see him and I'm like my dream you look really good. Though I sometimes think, maybe I'm just too attracted that’s it.”
“Are you mad, there are so many you are attracted to, but I'm hearing this first time that he is James?” Neha said.
“And yeah, it feels very good to call him James; even I have that same connection with him that I thought I will have.” Said Jas.
“It was not that magical, rather it was just like I saw him and I knew he was James. It feels so different and special, I just can’t describe it.” I said remembering what mad assumptions we used to make about his arrival.
“Hmm, I will call an angel for you who will tell you he is James,” Neha said sarcastically.
“You are going mad, nothing else,” Jas said.
“Do you feel like you have found what you were looking for,” Neha asked
“I felt like that, When he was singing in the hotel room.”
“Yeah me too, at that moment I was also like he is James,” Jas said, agreeing with me.
“Good, good. Are you ready to be with him, like in a relationship?” Neha asked earnestly.
“That is making me mad, like seriously this is happening. I need some time to accept all this.” I said trying to understand my dilemmatic condition.
“No, problem give yourself some time things will sort out. This is going to be a big change; I can’t imagine you like that.” Neha said.
“Fuck, like seriously this time you gonna say yes to a proposal, oh ho I will finally have my brother in law. I liked him as your James, good choice; I think we all have accepted him as your person, now things are on you. finally something is happening in your life.” Jas said.
We both were talking about James and all this stuff, after I talked to them I felt more confident and clear about the decision I was thinking to make. I felt lighter and less messy than before. They both know and understand me the best, it’s always a blessing to have such people around you. This was such a therapy, I really felt that excitement, jumping out of me, and finally “my emotions” were happier that this mad girl is not going to control us now. because honestly i have got a lot of restriction on my emotions just to keep this mad fantasy alive in me.
To my sis, and friends, I love them. They both, make me feel like, we should talk about the things going inside us, people like them who laugh in our happiness; have the vibes that soothe any mess.
when we reached our camp, the sun was down, everyone was sitting around the bonfire, James, Ben and Kim were trying to lit up the fire, truly they looked funny, being an Indian, it was obvious to laugh on the way they were lighting it up. We did not interrupted in between them but laughed a lot at their manners of doing it, sitting on the tools around them.
