SHE: Coz we all love dreaming

by Prerna . K

  After long restless hours, (not hours actually, though they felt like) we opened our eyes. The kids standing in white dresses had a trey with many red rose and a note attached to them. One girl and one boy came slowly on their little feet, asked us our name and gave us a red rose if they had any for us.

  All the girls in our group had one rose at least and three rose at most. We all were laughing at this tragedy. We were like how this happened. We read out the note they had for us, in humor. Outside the note either my name or my seat number was written, I was like “oh, smart that’s how these kids found us so soon.”The speaker announced “if any girl or any boy accepts the proposal, he or she needs to keep the rose, and who deny they can simply give it back.”

  I had two, I not knew anyone of both the names and seat numbers. Supremely no one of them was James so; I stood up and gave them back to the kids.

  Boys of our group also had roses, Kim and Ash have given roses to each other, they smiled and excitedly stood up and hugged each other. They were too happy, I loved Ash big blushing smile she looked so beautiful, her eyes sparkled, and Kim was red. We all were so happy for her, that we started shouting "kiss; kiss," so loud that the attention of the whole hall came towards us.

  Ash was like are you guys mad. But we didn’t stop because we know her, she was a desperate heart, boys started encouraging Kim, and finally, they both had a beautiful kiss, we hooted madly, and we noticed the whole crowd started clapping for them; they had a good smooch afterward. Ash was laughing beautiful, ("god she is my princess").

  As they both left each other I went to hug her and congrats her, Jas, Shubh and Neha also came, that was such a heart-touching moment, we all were so happy for our girl. All guys were on Kim, congratulating him. It was the best thing that happened today. My whole group had sparkling eyes, celebrating Ash’s new life.

  It was fabulous to see many more celebrations in many more tables like us, one after the other, hearing such cheers from one side, then suddenly a burst from the other side. I was glad I came down to attend it. It was such a lovely moment to look at so many beautiful groups and couples.

  Will you be mine? calvin

  yes!!

  After everyone settled, there was a beautiful song on the stage, I knew that voice, I turned back, I found it was Calvin, as I expected he was here but not for me. All the new couples were asked to stand up and go to the floor for a couple dance. Calvin’s voice was shaking my heart. He felt like one of the most precious thing I could loss, or was planing to loss. I felt warmth in my body, it was captivating the way I got stuck in his music.

  After singing some songs, a little of a couple dance, everyone again settled down. Calvin was going to narrate a poetry that he said he loved.

  At this point,

  I m weaponless,

  But I still feel safe.

  I have surrendered doubts,

  Though I see myself standing fearful,

  But you make me fearless.

  At this point,

  I stand with all me,

  To accept this love.

  I felt like I was familiar with those lines, I was sure I had read them somewhere or might have written them. After finishing he said, “I have been a loner from good years of my life. I never thought coming to India was going to turn out as my best decision. I have traveled most of India and had sung at many such places, but I never found that peace that I got here. So clap for yourself Goa” A hooting flowed.

  He continued walking on the stage. He said, “I m really nervous tonight I have never done this thing, in such a grand way before, actually." He smiled sweetly, I also smiled looking at him, he said, “here is a girl, whom I met some days before and she is absolutely lovely, like she is always too comfortable to talk with. I have never felt so relaxed and easy with anyone’s company before. She is one of the best people I ever met.”

  He took a breath of relief and continued, “And this might be too crazy of me, but once in my life I m trying this,” he sent one white dress kid, that kid was heading straight, I felt like she was coming towards me.

  My heart started beating with unusual excitement, I felt like it was me, as the kid crossed one row after the other I felt sure about it..

  There were a lot many things going in my mind. Many questions, a lot of emotion, many opposite poles. I was even becoming restless.

  The kid was coming closer, skipping all the girls; I was becoming overjoyed and unsure. Maybe the kid was going to cross me, I thought.

  Blood was all up to my face, the kid came, spreading her skirt she bowed in front of me, gave her hand to me.

  I smiled loud hiding my lips behind my palm, everyone was looking at me, I looked towards them and gave my hand to the kid.

  The kid took me to Calvin, I was like, (oh my god what is this happening), my senses were not at all working, I was excited, I was happy. everything was just happening too fast, I was thinking maybe this was the reason I told James what I was thinking, he denied to be with me, and Calvin is going to propose me maybe, if this was a sign, Calvin was the one. I saw Calvin; he looked so elegant, in that lavender-colored, well-fitted coat and trousers.

  He looked at me and passed such a beautiful smile that my heartfelt to smile naturally... My eyes were sparkling; I could feel something very joyous was going in me.

  He held my hand from the stairs, I felt like some princess climbing the stairs. I looked at him; he was trying to control his blushing face. When I was on the stage, he looked me in my eyes, pressing his lips, he held my both hands, and blushed looking at me again.

  “Oh god” He said breathing deep out looking down. “Alright.” He said to himself. He was literally looking too cute.

  He looked at me, with efforts, he said, “I don’t know how to express this, though I practiced it so many times in front of the mirror, but, I’m nervous.” He looked to at me again and smiled looking down (again). It was really cute, I laughed joyously looking up.

  I said, “Come on.”

  Again with full efforts, he looked at me and said, “I don’t know anything about you, all I have known is the composer of all those beautiful words I'm reading day and night is ought to be admirable and I'm just too attracted. You are gorgeous. And I just can’t help it.” He kneeled down and said holding a ring in his hand, “I want to share my life with you, will you…he paused. Be mine.” He completed.

  His eyes were sparkling so beautifully. I could see the excitement and love for me in his gestures. I smiled louder, he chuckled, I said “yes” in my head, I held my hand out to accept this though there were a lot of things going in my head, and it was not that easy for a person like me to take such decisions so quick. But I guess this time I did.

  I smiled and brought my hand out, my own ring sparkled in my eye, “ring,” he said intensely pointing out that ring, I looked at it; I turned to see his face in the crowd but I couldn’t. I was confused, I looked at him and noticed that stress and sorrow. He is not James, the voice said loud, which was alarming me since he sent that girl towards me. I took back my hand, “I m sorry” I said.

  It was so hard to look at his sore eyes, but I turn back, climbed down the stage. It was seriously hard to lay down so much love that he was ready to give me. He was seriously, like a royal prince, he was really my hardest no. How could I just do this.

  My eyes were filled with sorrow; I just looked down, and walked, walked without noticing anybody. I knew they all were glaring me, because no one expected this, somewhere not even I did, but again I had that pull named James who just never let me, do this.

  I knew I could love this person, he was the best person I met but I could never avoid this pull of James. It was stronger than anyone could imagine. My mind said to me how long. How much was I expecting? And how much I was already missing. How many I left. How many stories and experiences I abandoned. It was heavy for me, to think this James is wrong, I should have said yes this time. I felt pity for myself thinking I wanted to. I didn’t want to leave him
like that. But awfully I did it again. I broke one more heart knowingly, unknowingly again.

  “Control, control, calm down, everything is alright.” my mind said to me.

  “I really liked him.” I said opening my room’s door.

  “But babe he was not James."My mind said.

  “But I liked him, he is like such a perfect person, how could I just do this." I repeated closing the door.

  “Duh, useless, I don’t care. Come on,” my mind said.

  “Why that James said no, dude,” I said pulling out the rubber band,

  “I’m your mind not his how would I know.”

  Melodramatic cries. “Why am I so fucked up? Calvin is so sweet and classy and nice and handsome, ugh.” I said spreading my hair.

  “Shut up.” my mind said.

  “You shut up.” I said stamping my foot.

  “Calm down, darling.” My mind said.

  “Hmm trying to” I said, looking in the mirror. And again shouted loud, ugh.

  “Calm your face expression, your eyes, relax your shoulder, breathe nicely, you are adapted to all this. Relax.” My mind said and I followed looking in the mirror.

  “Hmm, but I literally left him on the stage, what a beautiful thing it could be, if I had said yes.” I said marching towards the bed.

  “He should have asked you first. His mistake and you would regret that yes, and then leave him.” my mind said as I climbed on the bed and laid there, messed.

  “But still,” I said looking up.

  “You will break his heart, you know yourself, you can’t leave James, so it’s good you said no.” my brain said.

  “I want to react on it for some time.” I said beating my head with the pillow.

  “React.” My brain said.

  “Nothing coming” I said, blinking my eyes in amusement, though I shouted a little in frustration.

  “I have nothing to offer, it’s all sorted.” my brain said.

  “And practiced” I repeated.

  “Yeah, true. Do one thing listen to some song.” my mind said, I picked up my phone and said,

  “Which one”

  “Thousand years,” my mind said as I was scrolling my favorites.

  “Hmm, do you think James Lavern will talk back?” I said playing that song and keeping my phone aside.

  “Yeah, I don’t think he can stop himself.” my mind said.

  “But why he reacted so strange, come on. Are you sure he is James.” I asked my mind, it was rhetorical question, exactly.

  “More than you are.” my mind said. I turned on my abdomen, hiding my face with my both arms.

  “I know.” I said.

  “I think something is holding him back.” my mind said.

  “What thing.” I asked trying to take off my heels.

  “How would I know?” my mind said.

  Some sniffs of frustration. “Why he did that?” I asked sitting on the bed, trying to take off my heels.

  “Listen, only he knows why he said that, why are you stressing. My muscles are aching now. My mind said, as I got my feet naked.

  “Yeah I can feel that.” I said landing back on the bed, touching my hot forehead.

  “Listen to the song calmly, that will solve you.” yeah I said rubbing my eyes, as they felt very dried and hot.

  “Hmm, but” I said, trying to take of my eye liner.

  “Shut up, imagine, and loss yourself. You can’t change anything. So imagine” my mind said, as I rubbed the eyeliner off, and relaxed my hand, spreading them away from each other.

  “Hmm” I said, piling my nail’s dry skin.

  “Why are you behaving so anxious, leave your nails, get your imagination at its work.”

  “Yeah” I said, paying attention to that reckless movement.

  “This song can make you cry, once you cried you will be alright.” my mind said.

  “Alright, should I write something?” I asked thinking I could add some more poems to my dairy, dear crush.

  “No not now, feel what’s going in first, and James is taking over.” my mind said, as I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths, to relax, my mind and get lost with song.

  “Perfect” my mind said, shutting down in the darkness, and with the music.

  “This dream person was just not characteristics, he was alive. If I could feel him, I knew he was somewhere. My chase was for that similar soul not characteristics. James Lavern has made James a personality and characteristics for me, telling me Calvin is much like my dream; he don’t understand James is a whole soul. I'm finding that another human who is familiar with my chase. I felt an accomplishment after speaking it loud.

  “Relax your eyes,” my mind said, as they were blinking excessively, because of the conversation I was just building, as a conclusion to the situation.

  I tried to relieve the stress on my forehead and shoulder, relaxing myself and absorbing myself in the song with James. But nothing seemed to help, so I opted for my another therapy.

  Disclaimer, you are free to leave this part, it had no effect on our real story,

  "I think Calvin was your James, think about it.” James Lavern said.

  “James seriously, can you just stop this, Calvin, Calvin! Calvin! Like twenty-four-seven you are behind me that Calvin is James, he is James. Am I a fool, damn it’s my dream I know his face. I know I will identify him with the first glance. Like fuck, why are you interfering with my dream so much? James you don’t know him, he is fucking my dream so shut up! Don’t tell me who the one is, I can do that myself. You have manipulated James; now whatever picture you have about him keep it to yourself don’t tell me what you think.” I said aloud, though I felt it was too much, I could not control my reaction this time. I was really irritated.

  “I'm sorry.” he said.

  I looked at him, “I'm sorry, I did not want to burst like that, but please don’t irritate me, I can identify him and I personally love this, I have no problem with this all. Let me waste my time, I know we both will find each other one day.”

  “Hmm”

  “So where are you going to look for him next.” I looked at him, and I thought looking him in his eye, with a sore throat, "you are in front of me, am I seriously wrong or you are the one who is ignoring this affection. I just don’t know."

  I was irritated, I thought about it. How James had made him a third person for both of us. I did not like this at all.

  “No where! My universe will bring him to me, I have to just wait and use this time to make myself up.” I said and literally I felt irritated with myself after saying this.

  Actually, you know what, I have already found him in me, and now I'm finding him in you, I'm sorry to say that again and I know you did not like this idea of being my James, but yeah that’s the truth, I strongly feel you are James and if you don’t want to accept that, seriously I want to say go to hell. I was looking for him, I found him this way, I really enjoyed all time I got with you. Though it was less and now Im regreting why I left loving for future, I would have understood I was not my whole in expressing all my love, but I'm fucking okay with it." Tears rolled down my eyes.

  "I expected you, James, you to have the same intensity for me, and don’t know how I failed to tell my universe I wanted that, but I'm okay with what fall my way. Because it’s you who think you are not James, but I won’t influence my decision this time. You are James."

  "It’s only you in whom, for the first time I saw the spirit of my dream. Truly I feel like you just pretend you are not interested, you are. I know that. Don’t know what is holding you back. You are James you ought to have a similar connection with me, and if I'm wrong let it be. Damn it. I'm done. I'm sorry. And thank you."

  I said frustrated ly loud, to him, when we both were sitting in silence there.

  None of us said anything, we both sat quietly with our own anger and frustration. I was recalling all those nights we sat together, sharing such a beautiful bond. We really have a great connection since the first day. I don’
t know what happened to us today.

  We were just sitting there, for long, waiting for someone, to say something. The silence was so grown, that the voices of people below echoed in our ear.

  "Seriously he doesn’t feel the same connection for me, James? Are you not the one who lived so long in me? You don’t even say anything. It should not be this dramatic, my universe, I thought it will be easy, I thought James and I will look into each other eyes and will say with a strong emotion, I found you. It was never just me who was looking for him; we both were in this search."

  This silence was just making me more depressed about our story, and I just flowed with those thoughts. I feared to lose him so soon. Nevertheless, I just left it on time.

  I looked towards him in expectation he might start a conversation, or maybe my eyes will pull him out of his thoughts. It did, he turned when he noticed me, I saw that same painful shining eyes, sore lips and red cheek that I had. He was also hurt by something, I had no idea of. I wasn’t in a position of saying anything; I turned my head when I knew my tears were going to fall. He also looked down and sobbed in silence.

  I was feeling very uncomfortable, so I stood up, cleared my face and said to him, “I think we should go it’s really late.”

  He nodded, I was looking towards him, clearly, I could notice he was trying to hide his tears; I turned my head to give him some space. After some minutes he stood up, looking down he said, “Yeah, we should leave.”

  I don’t know what happened to me, but I saw him, as he looked up, and said “pause,” he was still walking towards me. “James pauses.” He looked again, he just wanted to escape. But he stood still. Looking annoyed. I went towards him and gently hugged him; there was a blast in the air of cracker rockets.