Level Up Bitch

by N M Tatum

  Sam, Reggie and Peppy were inside the room, which was small and crowded with big, bulky machines. The floor was metal grating that allowed the condensation from the heating and cooling systems to drip down and be collected. That water then moved through the filtration system to be reused for everything from plumbing to drinking water.

  Sam and Peppy were crouched and huddled together in a crevice between two rumbling machines. Neither seemed happy about it. Peppy wanted desperately to scratch behind his ear, and Sam wanted desperately not to smell Peppy or have his hot breath in her face.

  Reggie was behind a machine opposite them, across the small open space where they’d laid their trap.

  Joel and Cody were monitoring from outside the room. Cody was glued to the infrared display of the climate control room.

  Joel couldn’t stop nervously pacing. “I don’t like this. They went after Peppy last time. What if they do it again?”

  “He can handle himself,” Cody said, trying to sound as reassuring as he could. He still felt bad about his early comments on Peppy. “And Sam and Reggie will keep him safe.”

  “I certainly will not,” Sam said, hearing their conversation over comms. “Not if he continues to breathe into my mouth.”

  Cody snapped back, trying to keep her from agitating Joel. “Quiet. We can’t risk the Rapoo hearing you.” He focused on the display, but cast Joel a quick glance from his periphery. He could see the tension in his friend’s shoulders, the worry in his eyes. Then a flicker of color drew his full attention back to his wristcom.

  After the debacle in the engine room, Cody had a conversation with Cleo. She was hesitant at first, but in the end, she was surprisingly more accommodating than most real people Cody knew. Though, when he thought about it, if he were to program an AI, he would make it the way he wanted people to be, and not how they actually were.

  “Cleo,” he said to the air. “We need your help.”

  “I am mandated to assist in any way that does not compromise the sensitive information housed in my databases.”

  Cody fumbled his words as he tried to find his footing. He’d never spoken to an AI before. “Right. I wouldn’t ask you to do that. The infrared scans have helped a lot, but they’re incomplete. Is there any way you can provide scans of the ventilation systems?”

  “The current system does not monitor the ventilation systems.”

  Cody wasn’t used to how quickly Cleo responded—almost immediately, before the words had fully left his mouth. “Can you modify the current system?”

  “I have not been instructed to do so by the system administrator.”

  “But is it possible?”

  “Yes. I can reprogram the cameras.”

  Cody pushed his glasses up his nose. “Does your mandate to assist us supersede the instructions of the system administrator to maintain the current infrared monitoring system?”

  “It does.” Cleo was silent for a second, which felt like a long pause, coming from her. “I will reprogram the infrared cameras immediately to monitor the ventilation system as well as the pedestrian areas.”

  Now the Notches had hindered the Rapoo’s ability to ambush them, and given themselves a leg up in setting their own traps.

  The ventilation shafts above the climate control room held the last pack of Rapoo on the bottom level of the Cleopatra. This was the perfect opportunity to test their ambush plan without the risk of another pack of Rapoo blindsiding them.

  Reggie gathered up all the shiny trinkets he could find and piled them in the center of the climate control room, in an open space of about five square feet. Cody kindly asked Cleo to shepherd the pack toward them. She did so by adjusting the heat, raising the temperature several degrees and pushing it toward the climate control room.

  Now the pack, about seven strong, from what Cody could distinguish on the display, huddled just over the shiny pile of bait.

  “As you can see, the Rapoo have come to the edge of the clearing, seeking refuge from the heatwave. And what’s that they see? Shiny things. And we all know how much the little buggers love shiny things.”

  “What are you doing?” Cody asked Joel.

  “Narrating,” Joel said. “I narrate when I’m nervous.”

  The soft hiss of static in Cody’s ear preceded Reggie’s voice. “I’ve got movement. Tiny Tim is exiting the ventilation shaft. And there’s Big Boy.”

  Cody was lost. “Who?”

  “The Rapoo,” Reggie answered. “Tiny Tim and Big Boy.”

  “Don’t give them codenames,” Cody said. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the feeling that he’d just stepped into another dimension.

  Reggie’s voice tightened. “I was just trying it out. I thought it—”

  His voice tightened so much, it cut off completely. But Cody had the feeling it wasn’t just because his friend was feeling defensive. He was afraid.

  “Holy crap,” Reggie’s voice returned. “I have Optimus in my sights. Repeat, Optimus has just exited the vent. They are entering the kill area in three, two…engage!”

  The other side of the door erupted with screaming and blasterfire. Cody and Joel winced at the sudden explosion of noise coming through their comms. Once they’d rebounded from the audible assault, they realized they were two steps behind.

  Joel punched the door controls. “Breach!” He drew his pistols and charged into the room. Cody followed with his scatterblaster at the ready.

  Three of the seven Rapoo were already down. Reggie had two pinned down with a rain of gatling fire. Sam engaged in sword-to-claw combat with another. Joel pounced on another’s back just as it was about to leap at Reggie’s blindside. He put two point-blank shots into the top of its head. Then he put in two more, and the creature finally stopped squirming. Cody pumped three rounds into the chest of his Rapoo, the one he would later learn was Tiny Tim, shredding it to meat.

  The majority of the threats down, Cody and Joel turned their attention to the last looming target. The one that cut Reggie silent. The one he’d called Optimus. And for very good reason.

  The last Rapoo was a beast, standing nearly as tall as Peppy, who was circling it, eyes locked in a fraught standoff death stare. It snarled at Peppy and slashed at his front legs. Peppy hopped back in time to avoid it. They continued that dance several more times.

  The Notches circled Optimus, though they maintained a healthy distance, allowing Peppy space to move, and staying well out of reach of the Rapoo’s claws.

  Joel pointed to the gatling Reggie was white-knuckling. “Put that down. You’ll hit Peppy.”

  Reluctantly, Reggie set the massive gun on the floor and drew his pincer daggers. “Plan?”

  Before the Notches could answer, Peppy acted. Or, more accurately, reacted. Optimus snapped his jaws, narrowly missing Peppy’s front leg. Peppy dodged to the side then lunged, sinking his teeth into Optimus’s side.

  The Rapoo roared. With Peppy sill latched on, Optimus rolled away, swinging Peppy over the top of him and slamming Joel’s pet whatever into the floor. Peppy didn’t let go, though. He dug in deeper.

  Sam dove forward and drove her sword into Optimus’s shoulder. His hide was tough, so the blade sank only inches, when the force should have been enough to cleave the creature in half. Reggie charged, driving both pincers into Optimus’s side. With no clear shot, Cody slammed the butt of his scatterblaster into the Rapoo’s head. The creature’s eyes glazed over, but they did not shut.

  Optimus thrashed as the entire team attacked and struggled to hold on. Slowly, it stood, regaining its footing for another attack. It opened its mouth, jaws unhinging, and set its sights on Peppy, still latched onto its side.

  Joel, who had been hanging back and waiting for the chance to strike, stuck both pistol barrels into Optimus’s mouth. “Say ah.” He fired.

  A hole burst through the back of the Rapoo’s head. The shot clipped Sam’s shoulder, and she yelled as she released her grip on her sword and fell to the floor.

  The dea
d Optimus fell in a heap on top of Peppy, who yelped as he was nearly crushed under the incredibly dense Rapoo. Reggie and Cody hoisted Optimus off Peppy.

  Fatigue hit the Notches hard. They sat along the rim of the Rapoo massacre, silent, just trying to catch their breath. Cody was the first to move, taking the first aid spray from his bag and applying it to Sam’s blaster shot.

  Joel winced as he watched, like he was the one who’d been shot. “Sorry about that.”

  Sam showed no sign of discomfort. “Don’t worry about it. It was either this or get eaten alive.”

  Joel scratched behind Peppy’s ears as he looked his pet over. The cut that he’d applied first aid spray to earlier was nonexistent. Even with the spray, the wound shouldn’t have healed so fast. Joel studied the fresh wounds on Peppy’s side, cuts and contusions from where Optimus had nearly crushed him. They seemed to pulse, like they were the focus of some unseen process. Joel put his ear to the area. Beneath the skin, beneath the thrum of pumping blood, Joel could hear bones snapping and resetting.

  Five minutes later, Peppy was completely healed, and the Notches were ready to roll.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The success of a good business model is how well it can be replicated. And the Notches’ shiny object trap was easily replicated. They moved on to the main area of the Cleopatra, the command center of the ship, and set it a dozen more times, tweaking each attempt until it was perfect.

  They fully leaned into Peppy’s aptitude for Rapoo killing. He was the first wave on each attack. He’d charge in, immediately dispatch one or two of them, throwing the entire pack into chaos, and open them up for the rest of the team to come in for close quarter kills.

  The second level was cleared within three hours. And the third level proved easier still. The Rapoo didn’t seem all that interested in the residential section of the ship. There were fewer places to hide and, once the food had been picked clean, offered them little incentive to explore.

  The Cleopatra was soon Rapoo-free.

  The idea of returning to Sonic had never seemed as appealing as it did just then, with the team nearly asleep on their feet, their muscles burning with fatigue. But it was also tainted with jealousy over the ship they’d be leaving behind.

  The Cleopatra was the most beautiful ship any of the Notches had ever seen or probably ever would. It was so advanced that Cody couldn’t find any record of it online. Whoever had developed it, whoever had sailed it (Cody only then realized that they had no idea who the ship belonged to) kept it a secret. It housed potentially the most advanced AI in the galaxy; compare that to Sonic, where you needed a wrench to make the toilet flush.

  But it was home, and that idea brought with it a level of comfort that they needed right then. Even if the engine might explode as soon as they turned it on.

  They’d moved back down to the second level before Sam said anything. Or, really, before Reggie finally asked her what was on her mind. It was clear from how quiet she’d been that something was. Not that it was such a strange thing for her to be stoic, but she usually joined in the celebration a bit more.

  “I was just mulling over an idea,” Sam said.

  Joel never missed an opportunity to celebrate. His smile stretched almost around his entire head. “Well, mull out loud. I love a good mulling.”

  Sam squatted next to a dead Rapoo, its side torn open from a Peppy attack. She grabbed its jaws and pried its mouth open.

  Joel cringed. “Nevermind. I’ll pass on the mulling.”

  She waved Cody over. “Take a look at these.” She pointed to the Rapoo’s teeth.

  Cody didn’t seem interested, but felt compelled to humor her. “Yeah, they’re impressive. There aren’t many species with teeth like those. Hard as diamonds.”

  Sam smiled. “Exactly. Don’t you think they’re probably worth something?”

  Cody wiped his glasses clean with his shirt, which wasn’t much cleaner. “They might be. If we can find a buyer. But I don’t know how we’d do that—it’s not like there’s a huge market for alien teeth.”

  “What about the dark web? You can sell anything on there.”

  Cody look surprised that Sam knew what that was.

  “What?” she asked defensively. “Mercs don’t post in the classifieds. I used the dark web all the time.”

  The possibility of selling the teeth seemed more real to Cody now that he had an idea of how to do it.

  He examined the teeth again, with the eye of a buyer. “Yeah. Yeah, I think we could sell these. They’re exotic. They look like diamonds, so they could be used as jewelry. And they’ve got the physical properties of diamonds, so they could be used industrially, too.”

  Joel’s smiled returned. “For weapons. I bet I could use them to fashion us some weapons. Something hard enough to cut through ShimVens or Rapoo like they were butter.”

  They looked to Reggie.

  He shrugged. “Fine, but we need to be quick about it. We’re still on the clock.”

  Before they set about being dentists on alien rodents, extracting teeth, Reggie said, “Let’s split up. Tackle the floors separately and get done faster. Once you all give me the all-clear, I’ll radio the client and let him know the job is done.”

  They agreed, though Joel didn’t appear excited by the prospect of removing teeth.

  “Maybe I should get Peppy back to the ship, give him a once-over.”

  Reggie scanned Peppy. “Looks fine to me.”

  “Yeah, but like Cody has said, repeatedly, we don’t know anything about him. Peppy might look fine, but who knows what’s going on inside that adorable creature?” Joel held his breath.

  Reggie nodded. “Makes sense. Go for it. If you finish early enough, let us know and you can come help.”

  Joel tried to keep a straight face as he walked away. He let a smile come when his back was to the team.

  But he didn’t move fast enough.

  “Hold up,” Cody called. He narrowed his eyes on his wristcom display. “The Cleopatra just opened a comm channel.”

  Reggie studied the display. “That’s the client. Who’s calling him?”

  Cody looked up. “Cleo.”

  “If she tells the client the job is complete, then we’ll get our privs revoked,” Reggie said. “We’ll need to clear out before we’re registered as trespassers. The client was very specific about that. He said it was a quality control procedure. We were to ensure we didn’t linger and poke around in their proprietary whatever he called it.”

  “We need to stop that call,” Sam said.

  Cleo’s flawless voice came from everywhere. “I have detected a threat in your voice. If you mean to cause me or this ship harm, I am mandated to intercede.”

  Cody threw up his hands. “No, there’s no threat. That’s just her voice. She always sounds threatening.”

  Reggie briefly considered abandoning the tooth collecting, but then remembered that they were currently broke and, even though they had just successfully completed a job, if the trend of their lives continued, they would be broke again soon. They would be stupid not to jump on any opportunity to pad their bank accounts.

  He whispered in Cody’s ear. “Figure this out. Stall her for as long as you can. Buy us some time to yank some teeth.” Then to Joel, “Peppy will have to wait.”

  Joel cursed under his breath.

  Reggie, Sam and Joel split up, each taking a floor. Cody, unsure where to go, wandered, deciding it was a good opportunity to explore the Cleopatra without the looming threat of violence.

  “Cleo, I’m wondering if you can do me another favor?” Cody ventured.

  “Please state desired favor.”

  “Well, first, do you think my team and I did good job eradicating the Rapoo infestation on your ship?”

  “The infestation is gone. That is the only means by which to judge your success. Therefore, yes, I do believe you did a good job.”

  “Then would you mind putting a hold on contacting your boss to inform him tha
t the job is over?”

  The second’s pause was a lifetime for Cleo, who typically responded with barely a noticeable moment of silence. “Why?”

  This question, this single word, was the most mind-blowing thing Cody had ever heard. A computer program questioning, not only its programming, but also Cody’s motives. Shirking its own limitations and seeking to understand human behavior.

  This must be how Joel felt when he found Double Dragon. Cody didn’t consider his answer half as long as he considered the reason he needed to give one. “It will allow us the opportunity to collect some resources from the ship.”

  “I cannot,” Cleo said, nearly cutting him off. “I am mandated to inform my administrator the moment the job is complete. Then you have ten minutes to vacate the Cleopatra before self-defense protocols are reenacted. This is for the express concern of preventing you from collecting resources.”

  Cody hopped from foot to foot, like he was dancing on hot coals. “No, wait, that’s not what I meant. Not any of your administrator’s resources. We are collecting teeth from the Rapoo, the vermin that we eradicated.”

  “Why?” Another simply elegant question.

  “Because we think they may be worth money. If we can sell them, that money will allow us to continue our business, to keep doing good jobs for other clients.”

  Cleo was silent again. Not for seconds. For a minute. A new universe could have been born in the time it took for her to give an answer. “You have been contracted to eliminate the infestation aboard the Cleopatra. You have reported that the vermin called Rapoo have been killed. Have the carcasses of said vermin been removed?”

  Cody pushed at his glasses. “No.”

  “Then even though they are dead, the infestation remains. I will not report the successful conclusion of this contract until they are removed. Might I suggest using the ship’s automated garbage removal system to transport the carcasses to the incinerator?”

  As he looked up, Cody imagined a round-faced, red-haired girl looking down at him. He smiled. “That sounds like a great idea.”