The Superfluous Man

by Botyakov Anatoly

  “Despite my strong assurance regarding the existence of extraterrestrial civilizations, I keep blindly hoping that I belong to the human race,” Victor looked at Mariam as if letting her know that from now on the responsibility for his answers was solely on her – the person who brought him here and left him alone.

  “And I for one do not believe in the existence of other worlds. But you did understand what I meant!” Anna insisted stroking first her legs, then the sofa; her undying wish was to get what she wanted without wasting her breath for it, and when it went other way round, her irritation instantly began to grow.

  Other two witnesses of this conversation were still but attentive witnesses, which, however, could not prevent Victor from being under a deceptive impression that there was nobody in this room expect Anna and himself.

  “Who are you, Victor? Where have you come from? What is your occupation? Why have I never seen you before? What is your place in our precious Mariam’s life?”

  “Anna, stop all this right now,” Mariam interfered in the conversation at last, when her name was used as a tool of the interrogation.

  “Actually, there is no huge secret about me!” Victor answered in all seriousness, having drawn to himself their rapt attention. “I was hired by her husband to watch her secretly.”

  Nothing could cause such reaction that the truth easily provoked; the purest, unadulterated truth.

  “What?” Anna jumped up on the place, her eyes flashed out two beacons on a clear night.

  Her fiancé, Dan, instantly returned to the state of which he desperately tried to get rid for the last fifteen minutes. Then he stared at Mariam, having seemingly forgotten even the most primitive ways to keep back emotions. She and she alone, Mariam, was different from all of them, even though she was faithful to her behaviour pattern just as they were to theirs.

  “Is it true, Mari?” Anna could scarcely bear the time interval left by Victor for the start of the chain reaction.

  “In fact, it is not exactly so,” Victor took the floor again, having now completely focused their attention on himself, “actually we got acquainted before her husband asked me to start spying on her.”

  He waited a few seconds and then burst out laughing by reason of being simply unable to suppress it any more, seeing the face expressions of his listeners, at least two of which were as far from understanding of what was going as it was possible.

  “Seriously, my dear friends, I wish you could see your faces now,” Victor was slowly coming to himself after his burst of laughter, throwing out one word at a time, “we got acquainted in a café. It was an awful day for me; I was beside myself since the morning. I stopped there to take a short rest. At first, I did not even notice that she was sitting next to me. Shortly thereafter, a car nearly hit a woman with a pram at an intersection right before where were sitting. I think we both were startled by the incident, which made us involuntarily get into conversation subsequently.”

  The last part of the truth sounded more plausible than any of its previous parts; therefore it was much easier and more preferable to believe in it as well. Soon, everybody forgot about the seemingly idle jest…

  “And what is the current status of your relationship then?” Anna kept trying to grope about anything interesting, carefully shaking her head towards Mariam without looking away from Victor. “She tells me absolutely nothing. Only ‘Leave me alone!’ and this ‘Do not talk nonsense!’”

  “Frankly speaking, I do not know what could be said here, either.” Victor began to consider options in an emphatic manner, hiding the last reason to doubt his further words along with the remains of his smile, “Mariam is a married woman, and I am married, too…”

  “You are married?” Anna did not take on trust what he said. “I would never think so!”

  “Yes, I am married indeed, I have two lovely kids: a boy and a girl. Soon is another anniversary of our wedding, and Mariam teaches me to play the violin so that I could play something both romantic and sad there, are you following me? Julia, my spouse, is just in love with such things.”

  “Oh, it is so romantic,” Anna broke into a smile, “would you do the same for me, darling?” she gave a nudge to Dan who was sitting next to her, but he only gave a start in response to her brutal treatment, having failed to find a clear answer.

  “I am curious, Anna, do you believe in what I am saying now, too? I mean I have just deceived you and you still believe me?” Victor kept looking at her with riant eyes, some tones of curiosity being heard in his voice.

  “Why are you asking?” the girl became puzzled again. “Is not it true?”

  “No, it is not!” Victor responded unambiguously.

  “What a hypocritical person you must be,” Anna maliciously smiled, drawling the key word and disapprovingly shaking her head.

  Maybe she did not see anything wrong in deception, but this opinion only concerned those cases when she was an initiator of a lie; now, however, she unconsciously played a role of a credulous, naive victim, which was totally unacceptable, in her estimation.

  “Thanks, it is mutual,” Victor nodded in reply to her imaginary insult.

  “Why would you call me hypocritical?” the hostess asked him suddenly without a hint of smile on her face, having almost completely switched to absolute straightforwardness; concerning not only her words, but also her body language.

  Then, after hearing this question, built of confusion, the most direct denial of what she heard, indignation, and the first roots of rage, Victor completely changed countenance. His smile dissolved in a flash, nothing indicated playfulness of his intentions anymore.

  “Do you really ask me why I consider you hypocritical?” he repeated her question, scowling at her and at the same time preparing an accusation to bring.

  “Come on now! Enough of that!” Mariam, whose naive and unreasoned decision was about to turn into a real storm, finally intervened in the dispute.

  “I agree, what a strange conversation you two are holding here,” Dan suddenly lent some weight to Mariam’s words.

  “No, it is all right! I am eager to hear what he thinks about me,” Anna announced provocatively, her wounded pride was seething in her big eyes as lava in a volcano, which was ready to awake out of sleep. “Why have you fallen silent so unexpectedly? Have you changed your mind? Please, do not tell me that all this was but a farce!”

  “I am looking at you now,” Victor began slowly, “and I can hardly believe my own eyes. I mean… How can it be so anyway? You are just faceless; you are no different from hundreds of other women I have met throughout my life.”

  Anna’s thin eyebrows lifted in response to his words, expressing thereby her surprise, but since Victor did not pause even one single time, she just did not manage to thrust in a word.

  “First you constrainedly pull on yourself a smile that, coupled with your pleasant appearance, is meant to confuse a person. And it is not surprising at all, for it is how we all are, we want to trust, to believe in what we see and hear; just like this, without being zealous to understand what is true and what is false. I acknowledge my guilt for cherishing hopes that when I meet someone for the first time I see an original before me, and not another copy of poor quality but I know it is all illusive. You always speak in a confused manner, never straight, you dart suggestive looks, every second making a person give an incentive to his sneaking feeling that forces him to think you are interested in him and that you appreciate everything he represents. You are always right concerning these qualities because it is not even your appreciation and it has never been yours, either; it is but an echo of his own thoughts reverberating in his head, it is himself who brings to the forefront this idea that he is valuable. Even when this short tight leash ties up his neck, you do not hasten and you never stop. You begin to tug him, gradually, wherever you want, adjusting every following step of your new victim. You are sharp, quick, and imperceptible, you are whatever it takes to control without provoking a back reaction. You asked me ab
out who I was, about how we had got acquainted with Mariam, but everything that really concerns you is whether she is unfaithful to her husband or not, and the second question is whether I am that third person or not…”

  Nobody dared to make an attempt of interrupting this waterfall of conclusions, on the contrary, all were listening as if these words concerned everyone directly.

  “It is of no importance how clever you are, Anna. Regardless of altitude of your intelligence you are incapable of deviating from your behaviour pattern, otherwise it would no longer be yourself. Just as I am describing you right now, seeking for poetical justice, you look in people for anything what could resemble yourself. It is how you justify yourself, justify all the mistakes and all the decisions made by you, consequences of which eternally haunt you. But you miss one very important thing, trying to rise above others; you regard someone analogous to you with contempt without understanding that it is yourself whom you treat this way. It will never let you respect yourself in the right way. And it is unimportant whether you are enriched for account of three husbands or ten, money will never saturate you with pride. All what you are going to be able to achieve thanks to them is turning yourself into a more expensive commodity. Is it really so difficult to imagine that there are people living differently, people who breathe different air, who believe there is love, respect, and other things that can never be purchased?”

  “And you are going to keep listening to him?” Anna addressed her fiancé.

  “I have to ask you to leave this house immediately!” Dan quickly stood up in discontent.

  “Yes I was already going to leave anyway,” Victor left his place too and slowly made his way towards the door, “I am afraid I am running out of steam to characterize you, young man, so maybe next time.”

  One minute later he was standing behind the door, rubbing his tired eyes and waiting for Mariam who, most likely, was now offering apologies. Victor felt nothing at all, although now even a drop of inner satisfaction would be enough for him to justify his efforts. However, despite even this very modest condition, he was given absolutely nothing to fill the vacuum. The truth was told, he believed there was not a single superfluous word in his speech, but it did not mean anything now. Neither prizes nor applause, only loneliness…

  “That’s all,” he gave an inaudible mutter, clearly feeling intolerable mental fatigue caused by these innumerable, senseless disclosures.

  “What did you just say?”

  Victor raised his head and saw Mariam, standing right in front of him.

  “Is everything all right?” he pointed in the direction of the apartment.

  “What was this all about anyway?” Mariam asked him, although it was not clear what exactly she meant because their kiss did not receive any explanations yet.

  However, despite having two mutual questions nobody decided to answer, they just silently went down and got into the car.

  “If you think you may hurt her feelings with such words, I would advise you to forget about it,” Mariam said eventually with an ironic smile on her face.

  “Is it a smile on your face?” Victor was still waging a struggle against his previous state of complete straightforwardness.

  “Can you tell me what has come over you?” Mariam repeated her question.

  “And have you ever thought about how many times you have actually pointed out people’s mistakes?”

  “I think that one is one’s own judge,” Mariam responded quickly.

  “Do you really believe in what you are saying now? Do you really think that we do not have a hand in misdeeds of others by not helping one another to find the right direction in life?” Victor kept burying himself in thoughts, but Mariam was not ready to listen to another long-winded speech.

  “And you really believe that what you have just done there is showing a right direction?” she smiled ironically. “I’d sooner believe that you helped her to strengthen her current attitude to life.”

  “You may be right indeed. I would even say you are likely to be so. How are we to act then?” Victor cast a pensive look at her, pleading for an answer.

  “I do not know, perhaps next time you should try to be not a judge, but a victim,” Mariam answered and started the engine, “I will take you back to your place and then I will have to drive home.”

  These words of hers suddenly scorched Victor.

  “I think it is time for me to return home, too,” he whispered a few words in fear of being heard.

  “Where are you going to return?”

  “Home…”

  Now they exchanged the roles and Mariam fixed her eyes on him, whereas Victor was afraid to raise his as it befits a man.

  “Are you serious now?” she asked without reckoning with his gloomy silence.

  “I do not know, I do not know. Just look at us, at what we are doing here… What is this all, if it has a name? Now you are going to come back to him, and I will creep in my dark corner again and begin to think there about you. I know nothing, everything is so insufferably complicated…”

  “It is enough! Get out of the car, immediately!” Mariam gave a cry of anger.

  So he did silently, obediently. When she went away, he slowly approached the nearest bench, sat down on it, helping himself with one hand, and began to feign being involved in some thought process, for pretending was the only thing he was capable of doing right now. His head was stuffed with too many guiding lines, which did not actually prompt him to find a right way; on the contrary, they only confused him instead, inevitably becoming confused as well and opposing vehemently one against another. It seemed that it was not his turn to act, that someone else had to take his step, and Victor just had to wait a little until a certain time.

  Along toward evening, he was at home, as usual, sitting in a corner with his head resting against the back of a chair and trying to listen to illegible whisper of the light rain. He was not able to understand everything he heard, but at least one thing was clear about it – the summer was slowly and inexorably coming to an end… By midnight he already made about a half dozen of attempts to call Mariam up, having forgotten to care about all the precautions. However, despite his strong desire to hear her voice none of these attempts was successful. Every time he just waited until the end of another call, then put the cell phone aside solely to reach for it several minutes later. When she finally called him, it was already 3 o’clock in the morning, and Victor was steeped in slumber, sitting next to the widely open window.

  “Go outside, please, I am waiting for you here,” she said quickly and immediately hung up as if it was just another dream.

  There was something wrong with her voice, and it was absolutely definite. What Victor failed to define right away was a reason that made her be in such a rush. He quickly grabbed his jacket from a coatrack and ran out of the flat, having forgotten to close the door. Several floors flashed before his eyes as one and when he ran out into the street, he saw Mariam. She was standing on the same place she was during their last meeting, dressed in the same, but absolutely different inside. The heavy rain was pouring so ruthlessly that one could decide there was a deep gash, made right in a storm cloud. Nevertheless, Mariam was seemingly troubled by nothing at all. She was wet through, from head to foot, her hair was hanging down, composed of thick strands.

  She did not see Victor straight away, and only when he approached her at arm’s length, she suddenly hugged him and passionately kissed his lips. Everything was so unbelievable and unreal that he could not help questioning normality of his state of mind.

  “I am so cold,” Mariam uttered, shaking all over, and cuddled up to his chest.

  “Let us go inside,” Victor embosomed her and threw the jacket over her shoulders, strange feelings howling in his soul along with gusty wind.

  He was already going to turn round and take her inside, when he suddenly felt that someone was watching them in the same way he used to look at Mariam himself when she was with Dan. He managed to unmistakably defi
ne the place from which they were being watched, which was not too difficult, for the person generating all this spite was not even trying to hide. Approximately fifteen meters away, propping up a lamppost, there was a tall, sturdily-build man who was attentively staring at them, his head powerlessly inclined sideways. Only slanting walls of rain falling from the sky, one after another blurred his silhouette.

  “We are going inside now,” Victor repeated once again and hastened to take Mariam away from the street.

  “Who is it?” she asked with childish naivety in her voice when she cast a look in the same direction where Victor was looking and saw there the strange witness of their night meeting.

  “I do not know,” he answered and took her away, blinking frequently because of the rain falling on his eyelashes; a grave anxiety crept into his mind.

  When they got inside, Mariam felt a little bit better, but she still could not stop shaking; after several hours that the window was open, the temperatures outside and inside were now virtually equal. Victor quickly helped her to sit on the sofa, brought a thick blanket, and clasped Mariam to himself.

  “What has happened? You are going to get warm now, drink hot tea, and everything will be all right,” he tried to comfort her, listening to her heart beating frequently.

  “Why have you said that I am beautiful so many times and never confirmed your words with actions?” she asked suddenly and raised her coaly eyes.

  “What do you mean by that?” Victor hesitated over a choice.

  “Have not you ever wanted anything from me? Why did you kiss me only once? Even then, you did it furtively as if it was a crime… We have been face to face so many times, but you never tried to kiss me. Sometimes, it seems to me that you can see me only as a friend.”

  She looked into Victor’s eyes, seemingly accusing him of his cowardice, but in reality there was something else, something that she could not describe in simple words.

  “I would fail to get rid of my desires even if I wanted to,” Victor cast a glance at the open window and pressed Mariam closer to himself. “But what will happen if I give over to these feelings? How will we look at each other after that? How will I look into your eyes then?”