Dishonesty is the Second-Best Policy

by David Mitchell

  Slates have been getting a slating appeared as “How would I like my steak? Well, not on a shovel …”, on 27 August 2017

  What I keep telling myself is that scientific research is not retrospectively rendered pointless just because the outcome is boring and predictable appeared as “Science and mince pies don’t make a good Christmas cocktail”, on 16 December 2018

  There’s been a major breakthrough in the quest to improve the taste of champagne appeared as “Champagne is all a matter of taste – but the taste doesn’t really matter”, on 26 October 2014

  Scampi, I remember once reading, used to be very expensive appeared as “Parting a rich fool and his money? Child’s play”, on 24 June 2018

  People won’t take dietary advice from obese nurses, but they will from stick-thin film stars … appeared as “Want a tip on weight loss? Don’t ask Mick Jagger”, on 10 December 2017

  Speaking as a meat-eater, I find it annoying how many vegans there suddenly are appeared as “My beef with vegans says more about me than them”, on 9 December 2018

  The other day David Cameron gave a straight answer to a straight question appeared as “Cameron gives us a tiny glimpse of normality and we shoot him down”, on 29 March 2015

  David Cameron really loved organising votes for things, didn’t he? appeared as “David Cameron and the art of blaming other people”, on 13 January 2019

  Home secretary Amber Rudd does not want to be called a racist appeared as “Does Amber Rudd hate foreigners, or does she hate us?”, on 9 October 2016

  At times of crisis and doubt, we crave certainty appeared as “Clarkson’s plaque: a boon to anyone suffering doubt”, on 29 November 2015

  Let’s take the sanctity of human life as read and get down to brass tacks appeared as “Who the Duke of Westminster cares about … in descending order”, on 14 August 2016

  What are we going to do about “not-spots”? appeared as “Theresa May and her worrying enthusiasm for so-called ‘not-spots’”, on 9 November 2014

  Theresa May briefly had my sympathy last week appeared as “The last person left who daren’t diss the Donald …”, on 20 August 2017

  When Peep Show … was first broadcast in 2003, it was watched by a disappointingly small number of people appeared as “The bitter taste of Theresa May’s BlackBerry crumble”, on 1 April 2018

  What do you do if you think you’re like James Bond? appeared as “Actually, Boris, this Churchill fetish isn’t your finest hour …”, on 30 September 2018

  “We are exceptional” appeared as “Freedom not to choose is a faith worth believing in”, on 15 October 2017

  Look, it was Halloween when I wrote this, so of course it’s about Halloween! appeared as “Trust the Church of England to miss the point of Halloween”, on 4 November 2018

  Where do you stand on farts? appeared as “Could a farting statue unite Brexit Britain?”, on 29 October 2017

  East Barsham Manor in Norfolk doesn’t seem to be selling appeared as “Why the super-rich won’t live in a house fit for a king”, on 10 April 2016

  The residents of Bell End, like many of us, hope that 2018 will bring a fresh start appeared as “How Hitler could solve our housing crisis”, on 7 January 2018

  The Olympics is a puzzling phenomenon appeared as “Why do we expect the Olympics to keep on giving?”, on 6 November 2016

  “Any customers that aren’t really into Christmas this early can always ignore it” … appeared as “Christmas comes but once a year, starting in July”, on 6 August 2017

  For some reason, Samsung has commissioned a study into what people think are the worst interior decoration fads of the last 50 years appeared as “As a society, we must get over the green loo”, on 17 June 2018

  The hull of the ship they’re not actually going to call Boaty McBoatface is complete appeared as “Why Boaty McBoatface had to be torpedoed”, on 15 July 2018

  When lost, baffled and afraid, I yearn for guidance from an outside power appeared as “The EU referendum should be a matter for parliament”, on 29 May 2016

  A dramatic photo-essay played out on the front pages of the newspapers last week appeared as “Unhappy Ukippers? Maybe Europe wasn’t the issue …”, on 2 April 2017

  Who would have thought Jeremy Hunt was such a massive nostalgic? appeared as “Oh for the days when it was all Brussels’ fault!”, on 29 July 2018

  On one of the thousands of occasions I glanced needlessly at my phone last week, it made me notice a news story appeared as “As Vince says, if you can’t beat ’em, spresm”, on 23 September 2018

  In the quest to understand Theresa May, which capricious fate has imposed on us all, the key is to think of James Cracknell appeared as “Theresa May, I’d gladly never see your boat race again”, on 7 April 2019

  Have you heard of the uncanny valley? appeared as “Why Jeremy Hunt is the safer bet in this unhappy valley”, on 7 July 2019

  When the clocks went back, a joke was doing the rounds in various forms appeared as “Does Trump’s win mean that progress is history?”, on 13 November 2016

  It’s counter-terrorism awareness week again appeared as “How to protect yourself in the event of receiving a counter-terrorism leaflet”, on 30 November 2014

  When I saw people predicting that George Osborne was planning a giveaway budget … I found it rather sweet appeared as “If the Tories hate ‘hate preachers’ why do they keep preaching hate?”, on 8 March 2015

  Despite being an enthusiastic consumer of spy films and novels, I’ve never much fancied being an actual spy appeared as “Why do our spies keep telling us everything?”, on 25 September 2016

  In an otherwise unremarkable article about how a British Airways passenger, barred from the plane’s lavatory, had wet herself … appeared as “You can’t spend a penny without being snooped on”, on 9 April 2017

  What is the advantage of letting sitting MPs work for lobbying firms? appeared as “Lobbying firms paying our MPs? It’s probably fine …”, on 1 October 2017

  The aspect of Theresa May’s calamitous conference speech that worried me most was the letters falling off the wall appeared as “Is the writing on the wall for Theresa May and Britain?”, on 8 October 2017

  People don’t want to be rich any more appeared as “The poor get poorer and the rich won’t admit it”, on 23 April 2017

  When I read that a group of Eton schoolboys had organised their own trip to meet President Putin … appeared as “I think I preferred Eton when it was still doomed”, on 4 September 2016

  Birds are probably screwed anyway appeared as “We’re unable to see the wood for all the pesky bird-filled trees”, on 17 March 2019

  INDEX

  (the initials DM refer to David Mitchell)

  Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) 1 slowing the rate at which Brunel turns in his grave 1

  undermining the placebo effect 1

  adverts, gender stereotyping in 1

  ageing 1, 2

  Alexander, Douglas 1, 2

  Amazon: Fresh 1

  Prime 1

  targeted marketing 1

  anteater, probably stuffed 1

  art: not always having to look exactly like the thing it’s of 1

  mediocre examples of by a man who never watches the news 1

  Michelangelo’s failure to use farts in 1

  modern versus proper 1, 2, 3

  opera as popular and unpopular form of 1

  Article 1: not triggering 1

  triggering 1

  Association of British Travel Agents 1, 2

  avocado bathrooms 1

  bank robbery 1

  Barrow, Tim 1

  Bateman, Tom 1

  Batten, Gerard 1

  BBC: distinctiveness 1

  Front Row 1

  News 1, 2

  political pressure to be shit 1

  Radio 1 1

  Radio 1Xtra 1

  Radio 2 1

  Radio 3 not mentioned

  Radio 4 1, 2, 3

/>   scheduling 1

  Strictly Come Dancing 1, 2

  Watchdog Live 1

  Beano, the 1

  Bear and Otter 1

  Bedi, Nikki 1

  Bell Ringers, The Central Council of Church 1

  Bell End 1

  bell ringing 1

  Berners-Lee, Tim 1

  Big Six energy providers, similarity to lottery-winning sex criminals 1

  BlackBerry 1

  Blair, Tony: comparative poverty among plutocrats 1

  disguise idea for bank robbers 1

  bloggers 1, 2, 3

  Blumenthal, Heston 1

  BMJ Open 1

  Boat Race 1, 2

  Boaty McBoatface 1

  Bond, James 1, 2

  Bragg, Melvyn, irritability of on In Our Time 1

  brand awareness 1

  Brexit 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19

  British Airways 1

  British Dietetic Association (BDA) 1

  British Gas 1, 2, 3

  British Medical Journal 1

  Brunel, Isambard Kingdom, complete lack of meaningful connection with the FirstGroup subsidiary GWR of 1

  Brunswick Centre 1, 2

  Cable, Vince 1

  Cabral, Marcio 1

  Cadbury: Dairy Milk 1

  Dairy Milk Freddo Treasures 1

  owners of 1

  Treasure Hunt 1

  Caesar, Julius 1

  Calpol 1

  Cameron, David: betrayal of Britain through self-interest and incompetence of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

  gets something right for once 1

  Camus, Albert 1

  Cancer Research UK 1, 2, 3

  Carlin, George 1, 2

  Carluccio’s 1, 2

  Casamitjana, Jordi 1

  Cavendish, Dominic 1

  Central Council of Church Bell Ringers, The 1

  Champagne 1

  Chandler, Raymond 1

  charities 1

  Cheok, Adrian 1

  Christmas 1, 2 not actually getting earlier every year 1

  Churchill, Winston 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Church Bell Ringers, The Central Council of 1

  Church of England, fear of Halloween of 1

  cigarettes 1

  cinema 1, 2, 3

  Clarkson, Jeremy 1

  Clarkson patio plaque 1

  Clinton, Hillary 1

  Codinha, Alessandra 1

  Cold Pursuit 1, 2

  Conservative Party Conference, portents of the End of Days at 1

  Corbyn, Jeremy 1, 2

  Coren, Giles 1

  cosmetics 1

  cosmetic surgery 1, 2

  Council of Church Bell Ringers, The Central 1

  counter-terrorism awareness week 1

  Cracknell, James 1

  credit cards 1

  Crompton, Sarah 1

  cyber-attacks 1

  Daily Mail 1, 2, 3, 4

  Daily Mirror 1

  Daily Telegraph 1

  dating 1

  Dawkins, Richard, God-like wisdom of 1

  Deep and Crisp and Even 1

  Department for Culture, Media and Sport 1

  Department for Transport 1

  dinosaurs 1

  “Don’t call me a racist” 1, 2, 3

  Dorries, Nadine 1, 2

  Downton Abbey 1 blood-puke moment 1

  Duddridge, James 1

  Dyson Airblade 1

  East Barsham Manor 1

  eBay UK 1, 2

  El Comidista 1

  English National Opera (ENO) 1, 2, 3

  Equality Act, the 1, 2

  “erotic spasm”/“exotic spresm” 1

  ethics 1

  Eton College 1

  EU, the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

  “exotic spresm”/“erotic spasm” 1

  Facebook 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Fagan, Patrick 1

  fake news 1, 2

  Fallon, Michael 1

  Farage, Nigel 1, 2 grotesqueness of picturing in a sexual context 1

  farts 1

  fashion 1, 2, 3

  festive weight gain 1

  Fawlty Towers 1

  Financial Ombudsman Service 1

  first dates 1

  FirstGroup 1

  fMRI scanning 1, 2

  Flat Earth International Conference 1

  food: British cuisine 1

  KitKat 1, 2, 3

  “last orders” 1

  mince pies 1

  Pot Noodle 1, 2, 3

  the garage sandwich 1

  sausages 1

  scampi 1

  served on wacky objects 1

  Franco Manca, sudden appearance of 1

  Franklin, Benjamin 1

  freedom of speech 1, 2, 3, 4

  G&T 1

  general election 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

  glass-half-full 1

  God, and why we miss Him 1

  Goldacre, Ben 1

  Google 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  Goolden, Jilly 1

  Gordon’s Gin 1

  Gorham, Ben 1

  Gove, Michael 1, 2 grotesqueness of picturing in a sexual context 1

  Grabenhorst, Dr Fabian 1, 2

  Great Western Railway (GWR) 1

  Green, Philip: dissimilarity to Gerald Grosvenor, Sixth Duke of Westminster 1

  importance of not removing the knighthood of 1

  non-societally beneficial business practices of 1

  visualised naked, hurling excrement from a tree 1, 2

  Gregory, Eleanor 1

  Grocer, the 1

  Grosvenor, Gerald, Sixth Duke of Westminster 1

  Guardian 1, 2, 3

  Guy, Gillian 1

  Hagerman, Erik 1

  hair dye 1, 2

  Halloween 1

  Hancock, Matt 1

  Hannigan, Robert 1

  Hastie-Smith, Rev Tim, unintentionally creepy Halloween party ideas of 1

  hate preachers 1

  Hawes, Mary 1, 2

  Henry VIII: Biblical justification for fucking Anne Boleyn of 1

  visit to East Barsham Manor 1, 2

  Higman, Charlotte 1

  “Hold My Light” 1

  Home Office, the 1, 2, 3

  Homeopathy, efficacy of to all but the actually ill 1

  Humphrys, John 1

  Hunt, Jeremy 1, 2, 3

  hypocrisy 1, 2, 3, 4

  identity theft 1

  immigration 1, 2, 3, 4

  Independent, the 1, 2

  In Our Time 1

  Instagram 1, 2, 3

  internet 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

  Isis 1 2, 3, 4

  Jackson, Michael 1

  James, Geraldine, the actress 1

  James, Geraldine, the Christmas home and decorations buyer at Selfridges 1

  Jamie’s Italian 1

  Javid, Sajid 1

  Johnson, Boris 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 grotesqueness of picturing in a sexual context 1

  Kent, Nicolas 1

  Kiln theatre 1

  Kraft Heinz 1

  Kyle, Dr Richard 1

  Lewis, Martin 1

  Lewis, Robert 1

  Lipman, Maureen 1, 2

  Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother 1

  Living with the Gods 1

  Lleonart, Federico 1

  lobbying firms, MPs working for 1

  London Review of Books 1

  lucid dreaming 1

  MacGregor, Neil 1, 2

  Making Tax Digital 1

  Manley, Simon 1

  Martian, The 1

  Mason, James 1

  May, Theresa: as evil home secretary 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  as inept prime minister 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

  meat-eaters 1, 2

  MI6 1, 2

  Michelangelo’s David 1

  Milan Fashion Week 1

  Miliband, Ed: dissimilarity to Donald Trump 1

  grim kitchenette of 1

  Minge Lane 1
/>   Mondelez International 1

  MoneySavingExpert.com 1

  Monopoly 1

  Monopoly Dinosaurs 1

  Monroe, Marilyn, DM’s vague sense that she keeps cropping up in modern art 1

  Mozart 1, 2, 3

  Mower, Sarah 1

  MP, Nadine Dorries 1, 2

  music, cultural impact of 1

  Music for the Royal Fireworks 1

  National Crime Agency 1

  National Obesity Forum 1

  Natural History Museum 1, 2, 3

  Neath Abbey 1, 2

  Neeson, Liam 1

  Neill, Alex 1

  Netflix 1, 2, 3

  Network Rail 1

  New York Times 1, 2, 3, 4

  NHS 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

  Night Raider 1, 2

  Norton, Graham 1

  not-spots 1

  nuclear war 1, 2

  Nurofen 1

  nurses, criticised for having same obesity rate as the general population 1

  Nuttall, Paul 1

  obesity 1, 2, 3, 4

  Observer, the 1, 2

  of Church Bell Ringers, The Central Council 1

  Oliver, Jamie: adds chorizo to paella 1

  struggles to keep his Italian open 1, 2

  Oliver, Mark 1

  Olympics, the 1

  Onion, the 1

  opera 1

  Osborne, George 1, 2

  painkillers 1, 2

  Parker, Guy 1

  party-invitation-response convention 1

  passwords advisability of not publishing them on Facebook 1

  why they mean the internet is horrible 1

  Patisserie Valerie 1

  Peep Show 1

  Penny, Nicholas 1

  Pernod Ricard 1

  Perry, Claire 1