Hold on to Hope

by Jackson, A. L.

  “Frankie.” My name scraped from his throat. Raw and grating. It didn’t matter how badly he’d hurt me. I was sure his voice was the best song that had ever been written. “Frankie. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

  I pulled back, my hands against his chest when I signed frantically, telling him the one truth that still remained.

  YOU ARE MY FAVORITE.

  He heaved out a breath with the impact of my statement.

  Then I tore myself away, stumbling as I wept, unable to look back as I ran for my car.

  Wishing that loving him didn’t have to hurt so bad.

  Four

  Frankie Leigh

  Five Years Old

  Frankie heard the voices getting louder out on the back patio. She scrambled to her feet, dropping the unicorn toys she was playing with onto her bedroom floor.

  “We gots ta go, Milo!” she shouted at her favorite, favorite puppy. Scrambling to his feet, he chased her right down the hall, nipping at her heels, barking his own excitement.

  Frankie was grinning so big.

  Today was a special day.

  Such a good, good day and she couldn’t wait.

  Her mama had told her she was gonna get a new special friend and she felt so, so, so excited, and her belly was full of butterflies flappin’ their wings all over the place.

  At the end of the hall, she cut to the left, and she raced through the kitchen, rounding around to the back door.

  She burst out of it and onto the porch, the screen door smacking behind her. Milo did a circle around her feet.

  Her uncle Kale was standing at the top of the porch steps. Her heart nearly burst. She loved him all the way to the moon and all the way back times a million. Without slowing, she wound through the tables set up on the patio, her feet pounding on the wood. Excitement blazed through her whole body, and she threw her arms into the air, shouting, “Uncle Kale! Uncle Kale! You came to see me!”

  Then she came to a skidding stop when she saw the boy who was holding her uncle’s hand, his hair almost like the sun, red and orange and white, all mixed together, his eyes so big in his glasses.

  Green like the trees.

  “Is this mys new friend Evan?” she rushed to ask, looking up at her uncle.

  Her new special friend who her Mama told her she had to play all, all day with because he was super, super special because he didn’t have no hearing and he had a special heart that he got when he was just a baby.

  Her mama even taught her how to talk to him a little tiny bit.

  Her uncle knelt down. “Sure is, Sweet Pea. This is Evan, and he’s really special to me, so I hope you spend the whole day playing with him because he doesn’t know anyone else here.”

  Frankie made the sign she and her mama had practiced so much last night, her belly feeling a little worried because she wanted to do it just right. She lifted her hand and put it to the side of her forehead and pulled it away like a little wave.

  HI.

  And then the boy signed it back with a big grin that made Frankie grin even wider. Oh, she did like him, the way his eyes were big and funny and he kinda looked like a froggy.

  And then he was moving his hands at his mommy.

  His mama said, “Wonder Woman.”

  Frankie laughed out in glee. Wonder Woman was what her daddy called her and it was the best name in the whole world and made her feel special, too. She liked it that her new friend called her that.

  Her uncle Kale looked at Evan. “Yeah, buddy. This is Wonder Woman.”

  Her uncle looked at her and swept his hand toward the boy. “And this is my little Hulk.”

  Giggles came floodin’ out of her. “I likes the Hulk . . . but he’s not as strong as my daddy and my uncles! Thor and Cap’in ’merica.”

  The boy didn’t look a whole lot like the Hulk, she thought. He wasn’t very strong. But that didn’t matter none. She liked him, anyway.

  “Wanna play? I gots my puppy and he’s so fast and he likes to jump and lick and he’s so funny!” she rambled, pushing the curls out of her face when the hot breeze came blowing through, and then she was rememberin’ that her mama told her to talk slow because Evan had a special super power and it was that he could read lips!

  And oh man, she thought that was so, so cool because she could barely even read a whole book that had ten pages.

  Evan nodded fast, and he dropped her uncle Kale’s hand and chased right after her.

  He clamored down the steps, his feet pounding to keep up, and she rushed out onto the lawn. Her puppy raced between them, darting around their ankles, running out ahead and running right back.

  She laughed.

  Laughed and laughed.

  She gave it all she had as she ran across the yard, and Evan chased her, a funny noise rushing up his throat.

  It was rough and strange, but when she looked back, she saw that he was laughing, his head tipped toward the sky, those sounds scraping up his throat and riding on the breeze.

  Frankie thought she liked that sound, too.

  The little dots on his face glowed bright in the sun, and she wondered if she could count high enough that she could count them all.

  He chased her and they zig-zagged and they hid and they played, and she was sure she’d never had so much fun.

  Finally, she slumped down onto the lawn, all out of breath.

  Evan’s breath was super loud, too, huffing and puffing, and he fell down onto the ground beside her.

  “You tired?” she asked where she was on her belly and looking over at him.

  He nodded frantic. “Rest.”

  He made a word come out of his mouth and Frankie squealed.

  Nothing but delight.

  “You can talks, too!?”

  He held up two fingers, just a pinch.

  “And you gots a new heart?” she asked, remembering her mama telling her he was even more super special because he got a new heart when he was a baby and she thought that was weird and scary but kinda cool.

  And she thought her uncle had it all wrong.

  He wasn’t the Hulk. He was Iron Man.

  Evan nodded again, let her put her hand on top of it, and she liked it even better when he put his hand over hers and pushed tight so she could feel it go boom, boom, boom.

  He felt warm and safe, her eyes dropping closed as she felt the way his chest thrummed and beat.

  Finally, she peeled open her eyes to see him staring at her really close.

  “That’s so, so good you gots a new a heart.” Her voice came out a whisper. “You want to be my best friend?”

  Because Frankie was sure Evan was her favorite, favorite.

  He nodded again, so fast that it made her laugh.

  She gave him a thumbs up.

  He laughed that sound again and gave her one, too, his breaths loud and hard.

  And she felt so happy and full, and she rolled onto her back. Milo curled up to her side, sniffing along the grass, digging his paws into the dirt until he got comfy.

  She gazed up at the clouds that rolled slow across the sky, a gazillion different pictures written in puffs of white and blue, blue, blue.

  And she wanted to tell her new best friend so many things.

  That she liked spaghetti and unicorns and her favorite color was pink.

  That she was afraid to be alone and fire was her most scariest thing.

  Instead, she grabbed his hand and just stared at the sky.

  He squeezed it back.

  And she knew she’d never been any happier than that.

  Five

  Frankie Leigh

  My tires crunched on the gravel drive of the little duplex I shared with Carly and Josiah. The house attached to us was the exact replica, only mirrored.

  Jack lived there.

  My spirit gave a shudder at that, my movements stagnant and slowed as I eased to a stop in front of the house. Killing the engine, I sat there staring through the windshield as the shadows from the branches overhead lapped an
d played, the sun sinking behind the house and hitting the horizon in a blaze of blinding red and orange glory.

  I gulped, trying to figure out how to just . . . move.

  How to exist in the same town and world where Evan was and him not be a part of my life.

  It felt so wrong.

  Sacrilegious.

  Filthy and obscene.

  And at the same time, I felt completely terrified of being in his space. The wounds he’d left raw and throbbing, this pain I was experiencing so intense I wasn’t sure how to stand.

  But he couldn’t come close to understanding the depth of the scars he’d left me with.

  The front door cracked open, and Milo squeezed his way through, his tail waggin’ like crazy.

  Carly stepped out onto the small porch, watching me with apprehension and distress.

  I forced myself to get out of my car.

  Milo bounded down the two short steps, as fast as his old body could take him, my sweet boy’s back bowed and the whiskers on his face grayed with his age. I knelt down in front of him, petting his neck and landing a kiss to his wet snout.

  He wiggled all over the place, loving me the way only a dog could.

  Unconditionally.

  Absolutely.

  I sniffled and somehow coerced myself into standin’, meeting the worry and questions in Carly’s eyes.

  “Are you okay?” she asked. “I didn’t know what to do when you took off.”

  My shoulders hiked to my ears, my arms crossed over my chest, hugging myself like that would be sufficient to hold the pieces together. I laughed out a weary sound and looked to the hedge that was blowing in the breeze. “I don’t think I’ve ever really been okay . . .” I shifted my attention back to her. “Have I?”

  Her lips pursed, and she edged forward, leaning her forearms on the railing. “I think you’ve done the best you can after that type of loss. Better than I expected, honestly.”

  I huffed out an ironic chuckle. “You mean you expected me to crumble into a big ol’ ugly mess?”

  Her laugh was a little freer, a tease winding through. “Well, you kinda did. You were lucky I was there to help pick up the pieces.”

  Even though I appreciated her trying to lighten the mood, my sigh was heavy, and she leaned forward a little farther. “Did you talk to anyone about him? Find anything out?”

  “I went to my mama’s. She hadn’t heard anything about it, either. I don’t really think anyone knows what’s goin’ on.”

  Sorrow shifted through her being. “I’m worried something is not good with that little boy. Evan seemed . . . distraught. He left with his mama right after you took off. He told her he needed help. Jenna and I closed up, and we didn’t hear anything after that.”

  Unease crawled beneath my flesh. Hot and sticky. “Evan was at his parents’ house when I left my family’s.”

  “You saw him?”

  My nod was jerky. “I saw him outside when I was leaving.”

  “Did you talk to him?”

  My head shook, my teeth clamping down on my bottom lip to keep myself from crying again. At this rate, I was going to gnaw the entire thing off. “No. I . . . not really.”

  Her brow lifted in speculation. “Not really?”

  God, part of me wanted to deny my weakness. The effect this boy still had over me. But this was Carly I was talking about. “Okay, fine. I ran over and hugged him hard and then got right the hell out of there before I went and said something that I couldn’t take back. Are you happy?”

  “Oh, Frankie. How could I be happy when you’re not?”

  The breeze whipped through, and I dragged my fingers through my frizzy curls, pushing them out of my face. “He’s moved on, Carly. And so have I.”

  Only saying it hurt real, real bad.

  All the way down deep like I was getting a stake jabbed right through the most tender spot in my soul.

  “Bullshit,” Carly spat. Somehow it still sounded like encouragement.

  “Don’t,” I told her, rubbing at one of Milo’s ears where he sat leaned against my leg, as close as he could get.

  “Don’t what? Point out the truth? Because I’m pretty sure enough lies have already been told.”

  Grief crested and crashed.

  My stomach getting twisted up in a mess of knots that I didn’t think could ever be undone.

  I glanced over my shoulder at Jack’s side of the duplex. His car was out front, parked crooked the way he always did. No doubt, he was inside, sitting in front of the television, unwinding after a day of manual labor since he was the foreman of one of my daddy’s construction teams.

  I looked back at her. “The only thing I want is for Evan to be happy.” It came out a plea.

  She leaned back against the wall. “Well, he sure didn’t look all that happy to me. He looked . . . terrified. And every bit as broken as you.”

  Disquiet stirred, my thoughts getting whipped into a frenzy.

  Carly was right.

  There was just . . . somethin’ off.

  Way off.

  Not that the situation could even be remotely normal, Evan showing up after being gone for three years.

  What he’d done to all of us had been so damned wrong.

  But it didn’t matter.

  Didn’t matter how much time had passed. How much pain he’d meted. How much distance had separated us.

  I knew Evan.

  Knew him with a glance.

  Something was definitely wrong.

  Horribly wrong.

  That little boy’s face flashed.

  The spark in his green eyes.

  The way Evan had held him like he was petrified he might slip away.

  My guts clenched.

  Pain and shock.

  I tried to block it out.

  Maybe if I focused hard enough, I could will the love away.

  Guessed I always had been accused of being a dreamer.

  “You should come inside,” Carly said. “Josiah’s making dinner, and I just opened a bottle of wine. Thought you might need a glass or maybe six.”

  “You’re my hero.”

  She arched a brow. “Ah, we know who your hero is. We’re done with the lies, remember?”

  I relented with a nod, knowing I wasn’t going to be able to eat. But that wine? I was game.

  Five minutes later, I was standing at the counter with a glass of red while Josiah worked his magic in the kitchen.

  “You’re almost as good as my mama,” I told him with a smirk, fighting for normalcy.

  “I wouldn’t dare aspire to such great things,” he teased, sending me a wink that was wound with worry and understanding.

  Josiah was awesome.

  The biggest nerd you’d ever met.

  Spent his life in front of a computer screen playing video games.

  He was also Evan’s first friend, the two of them introduced by their pediatric cardiac doctor since they’d both had heart defects.

  Josiah’s had been much less significant, and he was considered completely cured.

  Carly, Josiah, Evan, and I? We’d become as tight as could be, even in the days when I’d been running around in junior high and high school, thinking I was all kinds of awesome, wantin’ to be a cheerleader. On the A Team. Varsity.

  The center of attention.

  A dancer and a star.

  But a star didn’t shine without the reflection of the sun.

  “She’s pretty amazing, that’s for sure,” I agreed, taking another good guzzle of the wine.

  “Kind of like those recipes you and Carly have been whipping up at the bakery.” He angled a shoulder toward her since his hands were busy dicing and chopping.

  “Pssh.” Carly waved him off. “I am there purely for supervision. Have to keep Hope and Frankie here from running wild with their crazy-ass concoctions.”

  “Hey, those concoctions are gonna make us famous.”

  Josiah let his attention move over me, searching. “Are you finally goin
g to employ that marketing degree you worked so hard to earn? Apply it to the bakery?”

  I bit down on my bottom lip. I’d graduated this last May. I think everyone was waiting around on what I was goin’ to do. If I’d find some small firm here in Gingham Lakes, or if I’d move away to a big city.

  Maybe I’d contemplated it for a day or two.

  Running away.

  Getting free of the memories that bound and chained.

  But I’d come to accept that idea was about as far-fetched as it came.

  Because I knew leaving A Drop of Hope would be impossible.

  Felt like I’d been etched into those walls.

  As if the years had seeped into my bloodstream until it was written in me.

  Carly hopped up onto the counter, swinging her legs as she sipped at her wine. She tipped her glass at Josiah, though her head was angling for me. “You know she wasn’t about to leave A Drop of Hope. She’s been waiting around there for the last three years for Evan to show back up.”

  Was she serious?

  My mouth dropped open. “Carly. I have not. I can’t believe you would even say that.”

  I was gonna throttle her.

  “Lies, lies, lies.” She singsonged it in the middle of taking a sip of her wine.

  “You’re just trying to stir up trouble,” I warned. Did she really have to go and point out the obvious?

  Last thing I needed was for her to rub it in.

  “And you’re just trying to live in the delusions you’ve been living in for your whole life. Sweet Pea Frankie Leigh and her fantasies. Only this one is straight-up ridiculous. You’re really gonna stand there and deny it?”

  Sadness billowed through my being, and I tried to swallow around the lump. “You’re right. Maybe it is time I finally stopped living in a fantasy world. Maybe it’s time I accepted that Evan is my best friend and that was all he was ever meant to be.”

  Maybe then we could figure out how to get back there. To the days when our trust was bigger than the worries of our world. When our friendship could conquer all.

  Carly laughed.

  Loud.

  This cackling sound that rattled against the kitchen cabinets.