Hold on to Hope

by Jackson, A. L.

  My lips pursed. “You two are so mean.”

  “And you’re pathetic. Now get up, Pig Pen, before I haul you out back and douse you with a hose.”

  “Fine.” I tossed off the covers and sat up on the edge of my bed. Milo lifted his head from his dog-bed on the floor with one of his deep groans and a stretch, probably shocked that I was actually surfacing.

  Him and me, both.

  “But don’t forget that I said this is a horrible, terrible idea and bad, bad, bad things are gonna come of it.”

  “Wah, wah, wah,” she sang right back.

  I punted her a glare. “You owe me, big time.”

  Carly rolled her eyes. “Believe me, it’s me who’s doin’ you the favor.”

  Was pretty sure my eyebrows disappeared under my bangs. “A favor? The last thing I want to do today is go to the lake . . . with Jack . . . and everyone else.” I pushed out the last through gritted teeth.

  “It’s got to happen sometime.”

  “Well, I’d prefer for it not to be today. Or ever. Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll pencil it in on my calendar.”

  “You can’t hide from him forever, Frankie Leigh. He’s your family whether you’re with him or not.”

  Oh, no, no, no. Family he was not.

  Family didn’t ditch you. Forget you.

  They stuck firm.

  No matter what.

  Except . . . except that was a lie, wasn’t it?

  The boy forever etched so deep in me there would be no erasing the effects.

  And now he was back and implying things that I couldn’t afford for him to imply. His excuse one I sure didn’t want to hear.

  Then he’d gone and branded me with the mark of his touch. I could still feel it singed on my hip, the shape of his hand and the want in those eyes.

  “Besides, you know he’s gonna be out in the lake.” She waggled her brows. I had half a mind to pluck all of them out. We’d see how she liked that.

  “I hate you,” I told her.

  She pecked a kiss to my forehead. “You love me and you know it. Now get your ass in the shower and hurry up about it. I already have our things packed.”

  “This is a bad idea,” I grumbled again as I stood, scratching at my lower back and giving into a big yawn as I shuffled on bare feet toward the bathroom.

  Carly’s expression shifted, a true frown marring her brow. “It’s true, Frankie. You can’t hide from this forever. You need to face it and embrace it, no matter which side you decide to land on.”

  Pained laughter rippled free. “There’s no deciding.”

  Evan already decided that for me three years ago.

  And that pain?

  That was something I didn’t ever want to experience again.

  Twenty minutes later, we had most everything packed into the back of Josiah’s old Tahoe. A cooler, bags of groceries, towels and blankets, and all our camping supplies.

  I had to admit, I felt minimally better after a steaming hot shower. I’d pulled on some cutoff shorts and a tank over my favorite printed bikini and tied my hair up in a messy knot.

  That was as good as it was goin’ to get.

  “Beer. Wine. Ice. Chips. Beer.” Josiah ticked the all-important list off with his fingers.

  “I think you’re safe,” I told him, totally droll.

  He only had six 12-packs stacked in the back.

  “You never know, Kit Kat.”

  So, the guy had a problem that he nicknamed everyone after his favorite candy bars. When I was thirteen, I’d wanted to reem him for it, but now I got it was nothin’ but affection.

  You knew you were in big, big trouble if he only deemed you worthy of calling you by your first name.

  I leaned into the back of the SUV, trying to make room for a big umbrella.

  A hand landed on one cheek of my butt and squeezed.

  I jumped so high I nearly hit my head on the opened hatch, and I whirled around, doing my best to play it cool.

  To pretend like my entire being hadn’t just flinched with his touch.

  To pretend like I wasn’t carrying around this weight that was threatening to suffocate.

  Jack shoved a small duffle bag into an open space, giving me a good side-eye.

  I’d been avoiding him like he was the carrier of a brand-new plague. One that riddled you with guilt, and the shame you bore slowly killed you off.

  But this was no love triangle.

  Not when Evan and I were a constellation.

  An intricate pattern that glimmered and twinkled in the deepest night. One that led you into the light like the sun breeching the horizon after you’d spent years wandering in the dark.

  Old affection thrashed.

  Tried to rise up and take hold.

  How did I stop the flood? I couldn’t entertain these thoughts. Couldn’t.

  Loving Evan Bryant had just hurt too bad.

  I glanced at Jack. My chest squeezed tight. Even if I could never be with Evan, could never trust him that way again, I knew I had to end this. It wasn’t fair to Jack. But how did you tell the guy who was supposed to be your boyfriend you were in love with someone else? That you’d always been and there was nothing in the world that was gonna change it?

  That it would just be better that you weren’t with either one of them?

  Jack frowned through a smile. “What’s goin’ on with you, Frankie Leigh? You’re acting weird.”

  I heaved out a strained breath, forced a smile of my own. “Nothin’. You startled me, that’s all.” Only it was something I was goin’ to have to take care of and soon.

  Carly shouldered around Jack, knocking him a couple feet back. She wedged a wicker tote on top of our pile of supplies. “I think that’s it. We’re ready to roll.”

  “Are you sure you brought enough shit?” Jack teased her, canting her one of his charming grins.

  “No, actually, I’m not, but this was all that I could fit. Of course, you could hang back here, and I could fill your spot with some more of my things?”

  If only I could get so lucky.

  “Fine. Just don’t ask me to drag all your crap to the camp spot,” Jack returned, lifting his muscled, tattooed arms in surrender.

  “Ha. You wish. That’s the only reason we’re letting you come.” Carly gave him all her sass.

  “You ready?” She turned her attention on me.

  “It’s gonna be a blast,” I told her, nothing but sarcasm dripping from my tongue.

  She reached up and slammed the hatch down. “Oh, it’s gonna be a blast, all right.”

  Half an hour later, we were on the outskirts of Gingham Lakes where we hit the two-lane road that led out to the river and the lakes. Tall trees rose up at the sides of the road that curved and twisted through the lush, dense forest where it followed along the river.

  We weren’t even to the lakes yet, and I was already losing my breath.

  That fluttery feeling of awe slipping into my bloodstream.

  I’d been coming here for all my life, all the way back when it was just me and my daddy. We spent most every weekend out on the slippery rocks near the waterfalls that overlooked one of the lakes, Daddy grilling us hamburgers over a rock-rimmed fire while I’d danced and played and imagined I could be anything.

  It was my favorite place in the world.

  That world had expanded as our families had grown. As Rynna had become a sacred part of that vision. As Kale and Hope and Evan had become a part of it, as well as the rest of their tight-knit friends.

  Children were born and our families multiplied and it became a haven all of us gravitated to. A place to get away and share in the most important things in life.

  Time.

  Experiences.

  Laughter and support.

  They would all be there, the second Saturday in September forever reserved for our campout.

  Tradition.

  No one dared miss it, and I was having the horrifying premonition that would again apply to Evan.
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br />   Evan who’d shared these days with me like we’d been born with the same DNA. Neither of us able to move one muscle without the other one moving one in return.

  Magnets.

  Beside me, Milo sat in the middle part of the backseat, his tongue hanging out as he panted and whined in his excitement, turning circles in the small spot. My fingers scratched through his fur in hopes to keep him from crawling all over the place.

  My sweet old boy.

  This was his favorite place, too.

  Jack sat on the opposite side of me, Josiah was driving, and Carly rode in the front passenger seat.

  Me? I was that girl in the right rear, getting eaten up by the disaster of emotions.

  “So, you’ve been coming to this campout every year?” Jack asked Josiah, leaning forward to get his attention.

  Josiah lifted his thumbs out from the steering wheel. “Nah, man . . . didn’t start coming until high school. I guess Evan’s parents figured I’d hung around enough through the years that I became some kind of honorable family member. Mars Bar begged ’em to let me come the summer before our freshman year. Have been coming ever since.”

  All it took was a single mention of his name for my heart to go skittering into overdrive.

  “Mars Bar, huh?” Jack lifted a speculative brow.

  Josiah chuckled. “Kid was fucking obsessed with the stars. It fit.”

  Could feel the weight of Jack’s attention dragging over to me, heavier than it’d ever been.

  Or maybe I was projecting.

  “So this guy really got a heart transplant as a baby and is still breathing?”

  Protectiveness welled. Sometimes Jack could be so callous and brash.

  There was just something about Jack’s tone that got under my skin.

  Or maybe it was because that was where Evan really was.

  Forever and ever under my skin.

  Etched there.

  Seared in the marrow and written in the bone.

  “Can’t fuckin’ wait to see him,” Josiah cut in, glancing at me in the rear-view mirror like he was wondering if I concurred. “He’s cool as shit. You don’t like Evan then you’re basically a prick.”

  His gaze slid back to Jack.

  Leave it to Josiah to make it sound like praise when he was delivering a warning.

  “If I had to pick, I’d definitely trade both of these assholes for Evan,” Carly said. “He’s pretty much that awesome.”

  “Wow. Ruthless.” Josiah chuckled under his breath.

  “Huh,” Jack mused, though it came out sounding more like an accusation, looking at me again. “You mean except for the fact he took off and left you all without a word, cool?”

  Oh, this really was gonna be fun.

  “Everyone deals with their shit in different ways,” Josiah said like he’d already long since forgiven Evan for what he’d done. Understood it from the get-go.

  My teeth were rubbing my bottom lip raw, hands going itchy at the way Josiah phrased it. And I couldn’t help but remember the look on Evan’s face that night. I should have known he’d gone to a dark, dark place.

  Should have known he wasn’t okay.

  But the problem was, I hadn’t been okay, either.

  Josiah turned on his right blinker, slowing as we came to the turn off that veered north at an angle to round back up toward the cliff end of the lake. This road was rougher and narrower where it led to the secluded spot on the opposite end of the busy campgrounds.

  The SUV jostled down the bumpy trail.

  The trees were different here.

  Spindly and thin with white, chalky bark. Packed so tight together it looked like they were in standing formation. An army that stretched so high the tops got lost in the bright rays of sunlight that burned from the endless sky.

  Road climbing higher, we rounded a bend to a clearing where a ton of familiar vehicles were already parked.

  My daddy’s truck.

  Ollie’s teal historic one sat next to it. A secret grin pulled at one side of my mouth when I remembered how Evan had salivated over that truck, claiming one day he would own it.

  Uncle Broderick and Aunt Lillith’s Range Rover was parked at one side.

  Next to it was Aunt Hope’s Volvo.

  And there went my breath again. Nerves scattering like the leaves tumbling along the rocky ground.

  You can do this, Frankie Leigh. You can do this. You’re a big girl. A brave girl.

  But it was hard to convince myself of that when the wind kept gettin’ knocked out of me.

  Josiah pulled to a stop in an open spot and put it in park. “This is it. Let’s get this party started, bitches.”

  I climbed out and gave in to the shiver of excitement that crawled under the surface of my skin.

  I loved it here. God, I loved it so much. This place filled with so many amazing memories. Cherished moments that I never wanted to give up.

  I went to the back, pulled out my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and grabbed as many of the food bags as I could manage.

  “What can I get?” Jack offered.

  “If you could get the umbrella and tent, that would be great.”

  “No problem. Just glad I’m here.” His dark eyes roved over me, like he was looking for an affirmation.

  Guilt twisted up my stomach in a thousand knots.

  I hadn’t even invited him. He’d just assumed, which I guessed I really couldn’t fault him for.

  It was long since passed time that I should have started including him in family events.

  But the sad truth was that I hadn’t. That I’d never felt ready and I was pretty sure that I never would be.

  That should have been a warning right there.

  But you know what they say . . .

  Hindsight.

  Even then, everything felt blurry. A daze of discomfort and these flickerings of joy that Evan had returned to where he belonged hazing up my sight and my mind.

  Messing with my head.

  Mixing up my heart.

  I headed for the trail that twisted through the full bushes and the soaring trees. A breeze whistled through, dragging in the scent of the purple blazing star flowers that grew rampant in the fields.

  I inhaled, breathing it in, my ear inclined to the sound of the rush of running water.

  Struck with so many memories that a part of me wanted to weep.

  For joy or sorrow, I wasn’t quite sure.

  All I knew was I felt this overwhelming sense of peace taking over.

  The thicket of trees opened up at the end of the trail and revealed the expanse of the lake.

  A calm, placid blue that stretched out to touch the base of the mountains in the distance.

  I wound through the break in the rugged rocks that led down to the secluded cove and beach.

  Massive rocks rose up on the right side. They went higher and higher until they became the cliffs on the north end of the lake.

  At the highest point, the river took a tumble over the edge, and the roar of it filled my ears as it forever pounded into the waters.

  Out on the beach, my family was setting up our camp. Voices shouting and laughing and a flurry of activity as tents were hoisted and umbrellas were erected.

  Funny how my focus went to one place.

  To the far-left side where Evan was working on putting up a tent.

  Felt like he’d been there all along.

  His red hair lighter, blonder than it’d been, the longer pieces whipping around the bold, striking angles of his face.

  I knew he felt me.

  Sensed my approach.

  He recognized my presence the exact same way I recognized his.

  Immediately, those eyes found mine from across the space.

  Emerald fire.

  He slowly straightened to his full height.

  It probably wouldn’t have mattered if he hadn’t become the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.

  My fingers still would have ached to caress his skin.


  My body still would have begged to get lost in his touch.

  And my heart . . . it would have always sung his name.

  I could stare at his face all day except for the unfortunate fact that he wasn’t wearing anything but swim trunks and there was no chance of resisting that.

  My eyes dragged down.

  Slowly.

  Was pretty sure my jaw hit the floor as they traced over his shoulders that had widened, across his pecs that were now muscled and defined and sending another rumble through my shattered world.

  Oh, but those masochistic tendencies didn’t stop there, my perusal raking down to his narrow waist, his abdomen chiseled and strong from the hours he clearly had been putting in at the gym.

  Oh. My. God.

  My belly throbbed and need pulsed between my thighs.

  I begged it not to go there, but my selfish gaze shifted to the center of his chest, to the scar that ran all the way from the top of his sternum to the spot where his ribs ended. It had faded more and more as the years had passed, that little line that held him together.

  What kept that beautiful heart in place.

  I had the overwhelming urge to trace it with my fingertips.

  “Uh, Frankie. You lost?”

  Jack’s voice jolted me out of the stupor. There was no missing the irritation in his expression when I jerked around to look at him.

  Unease rumbled.

  A premonition blew in with the breeze.

  A feeling that I was right—this was a terrible, horrible, bad, bad idea.

  “Frankie Leigh in the houuuuuuuuuuuuse!” my baby brother Preston hollered from where he was waist-deep in the lake, stealing the attention. “About time!”

  And the only thing I could think was thank God for the distraction.

  * * *

  Family first.

  You’d heard it said a million times. Tossed around like platitudes and the worst sort of cliché. Mostly because people rarely honored that philosophy. So busy and wrapped up in their worlds that they’d forgotten what it really meant.

  Phones and errands and TV.

  But that’s what these weekends were about. Coming together. No other focus than cherishing the time. Wishing it would last.

  So maybe I would have regretted it if I hadn’t have come, but that didn’t mean being here in the middle of it was easy, either.