Hold on to Hope

by Jackson, A. L.

  Thing was, I couldn’t stand beneath the scrutiny and the questions.

  Warily, I peeked over at Jack who was raging soundlessly in his seat. Knee going a hundred miles an hour. Even beneath his burly beard, I could see his jaw was hard as stone.

  God, had everything gone downhill and fast last night. About as fast as I’d been scrambling back down the trail for my tent. The panic that had sent me spiraling. It’d only gotten ten times worse when I’d gotten to camp and I’d found Jack sitting outside his tent staring at the dead fire, tears staining my cheeks and my lips swollen from Evan’s kisses.

  Guilt written all over me like a brand.

  I couldn’t even face him. I’d fumbled back into my tent like I’d simply wandered out into the darkness to pee and had come right back, then lain swamped in shame until the sun had come up a couple hours later.

  Thinking about it sent a tremble through my spirit. Never had I wanted it to go down like that. Never should I have let Evan touch me. Not when I hadn’t ended things with Jack. Hell, I probably shouldn’t have let it go down at all. Not when I couldn’t get rid of the worry that I was setting myself up for a whole new brand of pain.

  There was another part of me that knew it was worth it.

  That every second I got to spend with Evan was one that was cherished.

  Even if it was only one second of bliss.

  The whole ride home, no one tried to make small talk considering there were no words that were going to make this okay.

  No apology I could give.

  It just was what it was.

  Even though I hadn’t wanted him to, Jack had become one of those casualties in the war Evan and I were fighting.

  Josiah made the last turn into our neighborhood. The only sound in the SUV was the drone of the engine and Milo’s whine, my boy sensing my distress. We made the left into the open lot in front of our duplex. Josiah pulled beside my car that was parked in front of our porch.

  Somberly, we all piled out. Morning light spilled down, bright and hot and drenching my back in a slick of sweat.

  Or maybe the dread was giving me a heatstroke.

  Milo hobbled out, and I gave him a pet, angled my head at Carly in a plea. “Can you take him inside, please?”

  She gave me a look of knowing sympathy before she whistled low and patted her thigh. “Come on, Milo Boy. Let’s get you inside where it’s cool.”

  No one even bothered to get anything out of the back. Josiah and Carly headed up the two short steps, and Josiah unlocked our door.

  Milo was reluctant, looking back at me from the top of the steps. He finally gave in when Carly called him again.

  The door slowly closed behind them, and I stood there facing away from the hostility that filled the air. I hugged my arms over my chest and fought the tears because this was not the time to be feeling sorry for myself.

  This was my wrong.

  Something I should have ended a long time ago.

  Hell, I never should have let it get started in the first place.

  But sometimes when you’re just trying to survive, you’ll do anything to make yourself feel normal. Do anything to fill up the vacant spaces. The best of intentions that time only proved faulty.

  “Fuckin’ knew it.”

  Anxiety flared, and I slowly turned around, knowing it was time to at least face one issue in my life.

  Before I could get anything out, Jack cocked his head, rage seeping from his flesh as he fisted his hands. “Thought you said he was only your friend? Isn’t that what you told me, Frankie? The boy you grew up with that you used to play fuckin’ dolls and house and shit with?”

  It was all a disgusted accusation.

  I blinked. Those tears I’d been trying to hold back fell without permission. I sniffled and Jack laughed a disbelieving sound. “Knew that prick wanted you the second I saw him. Bastard thinking he could steal you away from me. Tell me he didn’t touch you last night. I’ll rip his goddamn hands off and then we’ll see how much he likes making a fool out of me talking that bullshit language behind my back.”

  I winced. “Wow, Jack, that’s awesome. Make light of his deafness. That’s big of you.”

  I got it. He was pissed and I deserved it. That didn’t mean I wasn’t feeling defensive.

  Protective over Evan. Over who we had been. Jack could never understand it, that kind of connection, especially when he and I hadn’t come close to sharing it.

  He’d asked me out to dinner one night, and I’d agreed. Lonely. Hoping to fill a little of the hollowness. We’d basically fallen into a routine, the emotion so thin that I doubted there was a day that we’d ever been real.

  I should have stopped it before it started, but here we were.

  Even if I never saw Evan again, I was ending this now like I should have done a long time ago.

  Yeah, life was riddled with mistakes. Most of the ones I’d made I would take back if I could.

  All except for the one I’d made by falling in love with Evan Bryant.

  “I asked you a question, Frankie.” Anger dripped from his words, a venom unlike anything I’d heard from Jack before.

  Discomfort roiled.

  That dread growing to something that almost resembled fear.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I choked out.

  His brow curled in disbelief. “It doesn’t matter? It doesn’t fucking matter? The way he was looking at you looked like it mattered a whole lot to me, Frankie. I’m not a fucking fool. I know you were out there with him last night.”

  I hugged myself tighter in an attempt to hold it together. “He’s my best friend,” I whispered, hoping he could feel the meaning of it without my having to say it aloud.

  That just seemed unnecessarily cruel.

  Jack nodded, voice close to taunting. “Best friend. So, nothing has ever happened between you two?”

  My mouth grew dry, and I swallowed hard.

  He laughed again.

  Dark and disturbed.

  Then he was in my face, making the demand. “Did you let that freak fuck you?”

  Freak?

  Revulsion flowed free. I couldn’t believe he would say something like that. Be so callous. But I guessed that’s what happened when I went and got myself into all sorts of trouble again.

  Consequences unexpected and unfair.

  I probably should accept it, but there was no chance I was going to stand there and let Jack spew that kind of hate.

  I rasped out a sound of disbelief. “Did I let that freak fuck me?”

  “Yeah.” It was all a sneer.

  I huffed out an incredulous sound, unwilling to give him the truth. That Evan was my life and my heart and my everything. My best friend. My first lover. The love that would burn inside of me until the day that I died.

  That he was the kindest, most generous person I’d ever met.

  If Jack wanted it that way, then fine.

  “Yeah, I let that freak fuck me. And one time with him was better than a hundred times with you.”

  It was a low blow, but I’d never in my life stood aside and let someone call Evan names. It just wasn’t in my makeup.

  Maybe I should have thought better of it this one time because Jack was whirling away from me. A roar of rage ripped up his throat as he stooped down and grabbed something from the ground. Faster than I could make sense of it, he hurled it.

  I screamed as glass shattered. Shock jerked my attention to my car that now was sporting a busted-out side window from the big rock he had thrown.

  I reeled back, and Jack was gripping at his hair.

  Enraged.

  It was the most emotion that I’d ever seen from him. The ugliest kind.

  That fear streaked. A flashfire. My heart raged in panic as he got back in my face. “Bullshit, Frankie. You and I belonged together. I fucking love you, and I’m not going to let some pretty boy asshole come in here and steal you away from me.”

  Dazed, I stumbled back, feet getting tripped up by disbe
lief and panic. “Are you crazy? You just threw a rock through my car window.”

  Maybe I was needing to repeat the obvious.

  Unable to believe that Jack could be so volatile.

  “I love you, Frankie Leigh.” This time it was desperate.

  He’d said it so many times. A casual love you or love ya or a heart at the end of a text.

  I’d never said it back.

  “Say it.” His words were grit, hands in fists at his side. “Say it, Frankie Leigh.”

  Shaking my head, I stepped back. “I . . . I can’t.”

  I could almost hear the shout coming up his throat before it was silenced by the door swinging open and the commotion on the porch.

  “What the fuck?” Josiah’s voice boomed through the air, busting through the vat of fury that held Jack hostage. Carly’s shock spilled all over the place when she stumbled out behind him.

  Milo started barking like crazy.

  The three of them rallying at my side.

  Jack stepped back, slanted a glare at the three of them standing guard before he glowered back at me. “This isn’t over, Frankie. Not by a long shot.”

  Then he turned and stormed away, slamming into his house, leaving me staring there behind him.

  Fifteen

  Frankie Leigh

  Seven Years Old

  “Come on, Evan, let’s go!” Frankie scrambled up the rocks in front of her bestest friend in the whole wide world. She made sure to look back at him so he could read what she said since his ears didn’t work.

  She was learning her signs better and better, but sometimes she got them all wrong and Evan started cracking up laughing at her.

  She liked it when he laughed.

  Sometimes she messed up even worse so she could hear it.

  He started up behind her.

  “You comin’, slow poke?” she asked, grinning over her shoulder.

  “I’m comin’,” he said in his rasping voice. “What, you think I can fly like you, you crazy unicorn girl? Just don’t go jumping off a ledge. Last thing I need to do is have to come after you. Your daddy is right. You’re nothin’ but trouble.”

  She giggled when she looked back to watch him climb, his reddish hair looking like flames of fire where it whipped all around his face, his green eyes so big behind his round glasses, his hands holding onto the slippery rocks as he climbed up behind her.

  Her favorite, favorite froggy.

  Frankie made it to the top, her chest feeling heavy with her breaths and her heart beating so fast from working so hard to get up there. She plopped down by their favorite rock, her back leaned against it, huffing up a storm.

  Evan slumped down beside her.

  “Whew,” she exclaimed. “I didn’t think I was gonna make it all the way up here. That was hard work. Did that feel like hard work? Does your heart feel funny?”

  Evan giggled, his eyes watching her mouth. YOU TALK TOO FAST, he signed really slow so she could read it. AND YOU WORRY TOO MUCH, TOO. MY HEART’S ALL FIXED!

  His eyes went wide like a bug’s.

  Frankie laughed. “I have to worry about you because you’re my best friend and I have to take care of you.”

  He smiled that smile she loved, that one that made her chest feel tight and like she was the happiest person in the whole world. “No way, your dad said it’s my job to take care of you. Said I have to make sure you don’t go and hurt yourself again. You’re the one who needs to be careful. You’re gonna end up in the hospital if you don’t and my daddy is gonna have to patch you and then your dad is gonna be mad at me.”

  He shoved his glasses up his nose.

  Hospital.

  She frowned at the mention of that gross, icky, creepy place.

  Frankie’s worst memory was when she had to go see him in the hospital. It was scary and there were so many wires and tubes and machines and everyone was cryin’ all the time.

  Frankie had been the one who was crying the most.

  She thought it was even worse than when her old mean mommy had left her in the smoke.

  But the good news was Evan got out of there really quick after she brought him the froggy with all her hearts, and he said it was his favorite thing in the world, and she made sure to remind him to bring it everywhere with him because she wanted to make sure he had it really fast if he needed it.

  “We aren’t even supposed to be up this high,” he told her. “Your dad’s gonna get mad all over again.”

  “Then how in the heck are we gonna get to our favorite rock? Maybe we can bring it down the hill so we can play on it all day.”

  Evan laughed like she was crazy. “Um . . . that thing weighs like a million pounds. No way are we getting it down there.”

  “We can roll it,” she suggested.

  He laughed. “You’re crazy. No way.”

  She pouted. “Then I guess we better stay up here forever. Besides, this is where our weddin’ was. It’s our special place, remember? I think we should just live here.”

  Evan giggled a shy sound, and his cheeks were turning all pink. THAT WAS FAKE.

  “Nu-uh, no way. My mama said it was real. Didn’t you see my dress?”

  “Yeah, I saw it, and you wore it yesterday, too.” He was teasing her.

  She huffed. “My mama said as long as I believe in something hard enough, I can make it mine or make it real or make it come to be. And I want the wedding to be real.”

  He laughed lighter. OKAY. FINE. WE’LL CALL IT REAL. WE’LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT FOR REAL, REAL, LIKE MY MOM AND DAD, WHEN WE GET BIG.

  CAN WE HAVE FIFTEEN KIDS?

  Evan curled his nose. FIFTEEN? THAT SOUNDS LIKE TOO MANY. I DON’T THINK YOUR DAD WOULD WANT TO BUILD A HOUSE THAT BIG. HOW ABOUT SEVEN?

  She nodded. PROMISE?

  PROMISE.

  “Good. Because you aren’t ever allowed to leave me.”

  Evan scrunched up his nose. “Where would I go without you, Frankie Leigh? If I go somewhere, then you have to come, too.”

  She looked over the blue lake that got mixed up with the blue sky, the mountains lookin’ blue in the middle. This was her favorite place in the whole wide world as long as Evan was right there beside her.

  She reached out and took his hand, loved the way it felt when he weaved their fingers together. “You’re not ever allowed to die, okay?”

  Evan laughed, sound raking on his throat. “I’m not gonna die. I’ve got all your hearts and the smartest, best doctor for a daddy. He said I’m good as new. I think I might be able to live forever.”

  She snuggled down against their rock. “You better. You got a heart of stone now. It can’t get broken.”

  If it did, he still had all of her hearts.

  And her mama told her love was always enough, and she prayed over those hearts every day that they were good enough to hold him together so he never had to get that line on his chest opened up again.

  She squeezed his hand. “I love you the best, my froggy boy. You are my favorite.”

  Evan lifted his hands. I LOVE YOU THE MOST, UNICORN GIRL. MY FAVORITE FOREVER.

  THEN WE STAY TOGETHER FOREVER. DEAL?

  He reached out and shook her hand. “Deal.”

  Sixteen

  Evan

  I glanced up at the jade-colored awning hanging over the storefront in front of us.

  My mom’s logo was printed on it like a beacon for the droves of people who flocked here each morning so they could make it through their days.

  A Drop of Hope.

  Had spent so much of my life within these walls that it felt like a second home.

  A calling.

  Or maybe it was the fact that Frankie had become such an intrinsic part of it.

  My eyes darted around, making sure that prick from the other day was nowhere to be found.

  Couldn’t help it that I was constantly on edge.

  Unease riding high.

  I huffed out a sigh of relief when nothing seemed amiss.

  Everett
had plastered his face to the window of the cafe, kid going nuts with excitement, doing this little jig that looked like he was doing knee highs, flaunting that ridiculous grin with that scrunched up nose and eyebrows shooting toward the sky.

  My chest tightened. Was starting to get worried that he affected me too much.

  Protectiveness swelled. A silent promise that I would do absolutely anything to keep him safe.

  “Oh, you want to go in there, do you?” I asked him.

  Another adorable nod. “Ehvie, go?”

  “Yeah, buddy, you can definitely go inside. We have some of our favorite people in there, don’t we?” I murmured.

  My mom and Carly and Aunt Jenna.

  And Frankie.

  Frankie. Frankie. Frankie.

  Just her name twisted me in a thousand knots of anticipation.

  Two days had passed since I’d seen her.

  Two days since I’d had her pressed up against that rock.

  Two days since I’d tasted her again. Felt her again.

  Two days since I was reminded of exactly what I was supposed to be fighting for. Reminded of what I never should have given up.

  I glanced down at Everett, heart getting all tangled up again.

  It was getting harder and harder to hold onto the idea that I shouldn’t have left. Kept getting the sense that maybe it’d been purposed. Required. Knowing this child wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t have gone off and given myself to the loneliness. Given myself to the recklessness.

  I swung open the door.

  Instantly, I was hit with the overpowering scent of sugar and cake and all things sweet.

  It was mixed with the heavy aroma of fresh coffee brewing in the huge urns that were set up on the left side behind the counters. Rows of display cases ran to the right of that, filled with every delicious thing you could imagine.

  Jenna was behind the counter. A huge smile split her face as she finished checking out the customer who was paying. As soon as the man stepped back and took a sip of his coffee, she was clapping. “Ah, you’re here! I was wondering when you were going to come back and see me again. I had to work the whole weekend and miss out on all the fun out at the lake. Damn Susie for going and gettin’ pregnant and being on maternity leave and making me have to step in to take her place. So uncool.”