A rush of that energy slammed me from behind, the girl a windstorm, a tornado and the softest, coolest breeze. She slipped into the shower, and I slowly turned around to face her, and Frankie was climbing down to her knees.
The spray pounded into my back. Only a slight drizzle made it onto her body.
She stroked me once, looked up at me with those cinnamon eyes, the lapping darkness filled with emotion. Drawing me into their depths. Right where I wanted to drown.
“You will always be my best friend, Evan. My first love and my last. You will always be my everything.”
And then Frankie took me into her mouth, silencing everything but the bliss of her touch.
Eighteen
Frankie Leigh
Eight Years Old
Jeers echoed through the air, rolling over the field at the back of the school.
“Haha . . . that’s right, run away, you freak.”
“Run off and cry, you pussy!”
“He’s such a pussy, he’s probably really a girl.”
Frankie stood at the edge of the sidewalk that led to the trail where they normally met to walk home. Evan wasn’t in their meeting spot. He was in middle school now, sixth grade, and he always waited for her right there.
Not today.
Her stomach twisted with that nasty sickness that made her feel like she was going to throw up, a pool of black dread, and her eyes immediately searched, terrified these boys were talking about Evan.
That dread nearly spilled all the way out when she saw he was already all the way down by the fence, walking faster than normal, like he wanted to run but wanted to pretend like he didn’t care about anything at the same time.
His backpack bounced fitfully with each of his hard steps while the ugly words were spewed at his back.
She was happy Evan couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she was bettin’ that he’d heard plenty enough when he’d been looking at their gross faces. She bet all these stupid jerks had said all kinds of things that made her want to rip them to shreds.
This feeling crawled over her body. Like she couldn’t breathe and couldn’t see and the only thing she wanted was to make them cry when they kept shouting horrible things at her best friend.
They were huddled in a circle over by the swings. She was already moving that way. “Shut up, you stupid buttholes!” she yelled.
Brent swiveled around to face her. He was the meanest of the mean. Her daddy told her to stay far, far away from him, but she didn’t care. She was going to teach him a lesson once and for all.
“Awww . . . look . . . the poor freak needs a little girl to stick up for him. Talk about pathetic,” he taunted, cracking up with laughter when he did.
Without giving it a thought, she shrugged out of her backpack, letting it thud to the ground behind her as she started to race their direction. A roar came up her throat like thunder rolling through the air. “You stupid bullies.”
“Ha . . . look at her . . . freaks actually do stick together. Check this weirdo out. Thinks she’s tough.” He gestured at her like he thought it was funny.
Frankie wasn’t laughing.
She didn’t slow. She attacked. Jumped on him, scratching and clawing and kicking as best as she could.
In less than a second, he’d shoved her off, and she stumbled back, landing on her butt on the hard winter ground.
“What the hell?” he spat. “Are you crazy?”
Jumping up before he expected her to, she grabbed his arm and bit down hard. Until she could tell she was breaking the flesh of his wrist and making him bleed, the taste of a penny filling her mouth.
He’d see who to make fun of now.
He jerked back, swearing like a sailor. “Motherfucker. You bitch. I’m bleeding. You are fucking crazy. You’re lucky my dad would kick my ass if I hit a girl.”
Frankie wanted to swear at him, too.
Tell him he was a mother-trucking blowhole and she wanted to kick his skinny butt from here to New Amsterdam. Maybe she would.
But instead she grinned, hoped that blood was coloring her teeth. “Hit me,” she taunted. See what happened then. Her daddy would lose his ever-lovin’ mind and then this stupid jerkface would get a taste of his own medicine.
“Frankie!” Evan’s voice was suddenly filling her ears, scratching and raspy the way it always was, but this time it was covered in something mad and angry.
“You better watch out,” she told the pack of boys, ignoring Evan who she could feel racing back her direction. She wanted to jump in front of him. Protect him. Scream for him to run and hide.
But Evan was dipping down and picking up a big rock and shouting instead. “You touch her and you are not gonna like what happens.”
“Whatever, you freaks aren’t worth it. Let’s go.” Brent lifted a hand and twirled it in the air.
All the stupid boys followed his lead, grumbling and throwing more mean things over their shoulders. Frankie was half inclined to chase them the rest of the way down the street.
But she was too wrapped up in the weird feeling that was coming from Evan, all hard and annoyed.
When he saw the boys were going away, he threw the rock down, and he turned to take back off for the trail.
Frankie darted over to where she’d dropped her backpack and scooped it up by a strap, running after him and trying to sling it back onto her shoulder. “Evan, hey, wait up.”
He couldn’t hear her words, but she knew that he felt them. Knew he knew she was calling out for him.
Her heart started beating funny when he wouldn’t turn around to look at her. He just walked faster and faster, angling through the break in the fence and rushing out into the woods that separated the school from their neighborhood. He hit the trail that led toward their houses before he veered off in the direction of their second secret meeting spot.
They had to have a bunch of them so they’d always know where to find each other.
Only this time, it didn’t seem like Evan wanted her to follow.
She rushed to keep up, out of breath and a step behind him when they finally made it out into the clearing. Big trees touched the blue sky on all sides of the circle. There was only one in the middle where they’d made their fort with Carly and Josiah this last summer.
The grasses that covered the ground had turned brown, crunchy leaves scattered in piles, the kind they used to make leaf angels with.
Evan tossed down his backpack in frustration and threw himself to sitting on a fallen log.
Frankie chewed at her bottom lip and slowly approached.
WHAT’S WRONG? she signed, having to dip down to get in his line of sight when he was trying to ignore her which was just rude after she’d gone sticking up for him, trying not to let her heart quiver and shake.
She hated it when he was mad. Got worried that he might get too upset and make his heart quit.
Fear beaded up in a slick of sweat at her neck, and she suddenly wanted to cry. She rubbed at her eyes really quick to erase the feeling.
He huffed a sigh. “Nothin’.”
“It’s not nothin’.” YOU’RE MAD. “I know you’re mad. You’ve got that look on your face, and you’re all red.” She mixed the two languages together, moving in and out of one, not sure the best way to reach him when he looked so far away.
Distant.
She wanted to reach out and make him come back to her.
Why did people have to be so mean? Hurt bottled up on her insides, this wish that she could take away all the words and the looks and the pity. Everyone thought he was different and she didn’t like it at all. The mean words and the weird looks and the way some adults talked to him like he was stupid.
Even some of the teachers did.
He was the smartest, smartest person that she knew.
She plopped down at his side, planting her elbow on a knee so she could rest her chin in her hand.
He kicked at a rock under his foot, staring at it, finally huffing out a breath and turning to look at her. �
�You don’t need to stick up for me, Frankie. I’m not a baby. And you’re a girl and younger than me.”
“You’re my best friend. That’s what best friend’s do. Doesn’t matter how old you are. Duh.” She lifted her eyebrows so high they touched her bangs.
He fought a smile, shaking his head more before he let the sad come back in. “I don’t want people to think I’m weak. That I can’t take care of myself. That I can’t take care of you.”
Frankie edged forward, getting on her knees in front of him. YOU’RE NOT WEAK. YOU’RE THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW.
“That’s just dumb. You know I’m not.”
YOU’RE THE BRAVEST.
I’M SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. She watched his movements, enthralled by the motion of his hands, enthralled by the flash of his green eyes that made her feel like she was the most important thing in the world. She wanted him to feel that way, too.
She touched his arm. WE’RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.
Evan huffed.
“We’re married, remember?” She figured the reminder would make him laugh.
So what if she spent too much time looking at the pictures her mama had taken of them out at the lake at their special rock. So what if she’d made a special book out of them and kept it under her bed.
Evan laughed that scraping sound. “That was fake. We were just little kids.”
“It’s not fake. We just have to do it again when we get big. You promised. Remember?”
He huffed like he thought she was ridiculous.
Her stomach hurt.
She didn’t like it when he was like this.
They were supposed to be happy together forever.
“What were those stupid boys bein’ mean to you about this time? They’re so dumb I don’t even know how they can say any words.”
He heaved a breath, all kinds of reluctance seeping from him before he finally reached over and quickly unzipped his backpack to reveal the stuffed froggy tucked inside.
Frankie knew it was stupid, that her daddy told her to be careful not to fill her head too full of fairytales, but she was sure this froggy kept Evan safe.
She peeked over at him, and it was hard to say it, but she made herself, anyway. “You don’t have to carry it everywhere. I won’t be mad.”
Evan looked angry again before he breathed a bunch of hard breaths and shook his head. NO, I WANT TO. I LIKE KNOWING IT’S THERE. I LIKE HAVING YOU WITH ME ALWAYS.
“That’s because I’m the best, best, best friend in the world, right?”
And she wanted to beg him to never, ever leave her, either. She wanted to press her hands to his chest and feel the drum of his heart that she’d promised she would hold together forever.
No matter what it took.
“I guess . . . even though you are a girl.”
Emerald eyes twinkled with the tease.
“Hey!” Frankie shouted, “that’s just rude,” and then she was hopping up, reaching out to flick him on the back of the head.
Snap attack.
“You’re it!” she hollered.
Then Frankie ran, and she knew the only thing in the world she wanted was for him to chase her.
Nineteen
Frankie Leigh
The front door creaked as I slipped inside. The sun was just rising over the horizon and steadily climbing to the sky, everything stilled and hushed except for the birds that were twittering through the trees.
I kept my footsteps light as I stepped into the house, carefully clicking the door shut behind me and twisting the lock. I tiptoed the rest of the way in, head down as I headed for my room.
“Where have you been all night, young lady?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin, hand smacking across my chest, a shocked shriek echoing through the living room. Trying to quiet my raging pulse and slow my breaths, I glared at Carly where she was sitting on the couch, legs curled under her and an arm leaned on the armrest.
“What the hell is wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me,” I whisper shouted, looking around to make sure we hadn’t disturbed Josiah.
“What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you? Sneaking out in the middle of the night? I’ve been beside myself worried about you.”
My eyes narrowed at her. “You mean you noticed I was gone and you’re nosy AF and were dying to know where I went.”
She shrugged. “Same diff. Now sit your butt down and spill.”
“Nothing to spill. I woke up early and went for a walk.”
This time it was her eyes narrowing, calling my lie. “You should probs take a look at yourself in the mirror before you start making claims like that. You look like a scarecrow. Have you seen your hair? And I know exactly what that hair means.” She spun her finger around me in a circle like she was offering up the evidence.
Unease spiraled, and I shifted on my feet, trying not to sneak a peek at myself in the mirror hanging in the hall.
Too late.
Good lord.
I ruffled my fingers through the rat’s nest, all frizzy, matted curls sticking out two feet from my head, smashed down on one side from where I’d fallen asleep with it wet.
Rivers of mascara ran beneath my eyes.
Lips red and swollen.
Cherry on top?
My shirt was on backward.
I was giving the walk of shame a whole new name.
“So, I took a shower last night before I went to sleep.” I hiked my shoulder in what I hoped looked like indifference.
Totally casual.
Zero guilt.
While this smidgen of worry and a whole ton of bliss were vying for dominance.
Both roared through my veins. Inciting a feeling I knew there would be no escaping.
Hell, there’d never be any escaping that boy. I’d been his since the moment I’d met him. I’d been a fool trying to pretend like it wasn’t the truth.
“Uh, yeah. Question is, just where did you take this shower? Now haul your skinny ass over here and dish the dirty deets.” She pointed at the spot beside her.
My lips pursed.
She reached out and grabbed a wine glass from the table, pointing at me around it. “Don’t even try it to deny it.”
Blowing out a sigh, I shuffled over and flopped onto the couch with a big groan. “What have I done?”
“Evan, I’m thinkin’.”
I smacked her thigh. “Not funny.”
She giggled into the rim of her glass. “It’s hysterical, actually.”
I glared up at her. “Don’t make fun of the craziness that is my life. Maybe pay a little attention to yours. You are the one who is drinking at six in the mornin’.”
“Well, when my ass has been up since one when you went sneaking out the door, I’m not sure what else you expected me to do.”
“Sleep?”
She released a giddy laugh. “Sleep when I’m this excited? I do not think so, my friend. Might as well be a kid getting ready to go on a trip to Disneyland in the morning. I bet Josiah my next month’s rent that you and Evan would hook up by the end of the week. This girl here is going on a shopping spree. Score!”
She lifted her glass like she was offering herself a congratulatory cheer.
“You are sick, you know that? And I hate to break it to you, but we did not hook up. I just went over there to talk to him.”
My mind flashed through a sequence of images.
Jarring and whipping and stirring.
The desperate kisses. The gripping and clutching. His mouth and his hands and the boy who blurred all the lines.
Heat rushed over my body.
Whatever had gone down last night? When it came to Evan, I refused to recognize it as that term because there was nothing that we ever shared that could be considered hooking up.
That was sheer and utter defamation.
“You didn’t hook up?” She gestured to my knees that I didn’t even realize were rubbed raw
and bright red. “Let me guess, you just tripped and fell and ended up with his dick in your mouth?”
My mouth flapped open.
“Just like that.” She grinned.
“It wasn’t anything like that,” I defended.
It was beautiful and wonderful and completely terrifying.
Because I was pretty sure if this boy left me again, I wouldn’t survive it this time.
In too deep.
That baby’s face flashed through my mind, pulsed through my spirit, and seated itself firmly in my heart.
I groaned with the impact of it, burying my face in my hands. “God . . . I really did go over there just to talk to him. Warn him about Jack goin’ off the rails. Hash out a little bit about what had happened Saturday night. Set some boundaries.”
I’d come to the resolution that I had to tell him we needed to wait.
That he had to give me time like I’d asked for.
Become friends again and see if we could mend the wounds enough so we could start thinkin’ about maybe going back the direction we’d been heading three years ago.
Before destruction had swooped in and annihilated the joy.
That maybe, just maybe we could lean on each other enough, trust in each other enough, that I could tell him what had happened.
Confide the truth.
Pray it wouldn’t rip him apart the way it’d done me.
“Then he went to looking at me the way he does and those boundaries went poof.” I lifted my hand in the air in a little exploding plume. “I truly have no control when it comes to him.”
Carly fanned herself. “I understand why you lose your mind when you’re around him. Seriously, I don’t know what happened, but that man became downright lickable. Like, ridiculous. He was always cute and all . . . but holy hot damn. And when he’s wearing those glasses? He’s like the male version of a hot librarian.”
I sat forward and leaned my arms on my knees, talking to the floor. “He was always beautiful to me.”
Even when he was my nerdy little froggy boy with his big glasses and wide eyes.
Shifting around to face me, Carly crisscrossed her legs. Could feel the mood grow serious. She touched my shoulder. “Hey . . . I’m teasing you. I stayed up waiting for you to get home because I was actually worried about you. I know this can’t be easy.”
Hold on to Hope Page 19
