Old-School Witch

by A. A. Albright

  Miss you so much, sugar pie

  Seeing as they were the most un-Aisling-like words ever uttered, he immediately texted back:

  This is a dare, isn’t it?

  I lost just as miserably at blackjack and roulette. By the time we took a break from gambling to play Never Have I Ever, I was traumatised, exhausted, and more than a little bit tipsy.

  Never Have I Ever gave me a chance to take a breather though, due to the fact that I really hadn’t done all that many exciting things in my life. If the subjects had been along the lines of Never Have I Ever had my magic suppressed in order to hide me from my evil grandfather, or Never Have I Ever had to use my terrible singing voice to save the day … well, then I would have had some shots to drink. But until I arrived in Riddler’s Edge, I’d lived a fairly sheltered (boring) life. I hadn’t kissed a random stranger, or gone on a blind date. I hadn’t done much of anything.

  After a few minutes of the game, I left the others to it and went to the kitchen to fetch more wine.

  As I pushed open the door, I jumped at the sight of Jared. He was making himself a fried egg sandwich, and singing a song. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at your dad’s stag party?’

  He looked over his shoulder, flipping the egg and smiling. ‘I got bored of it. Want one?’

  ‘You know what? I do.’ I sat down. ‘Me and eggs have been having some difficulty establishing a mutually available time this week.’

  He laughed huskily and slid the egg onto some buttered bread before cracking another into the pan. As it fried, I fetched some more bread, buttering it in preparation for the second sandwich.

  ‘You have been kind of busy,’ he said. ‘But you’ve caught the murderer now, so all’s well that ends well.’

  ‘Hmm,’ I said in return.

  ‘Hmm? You don’t think it was the butler? I mean, isn’t it always? Either the butler or the spouse, anyway, and seeing as neither Marnie nor Ben were married …’

  ‘There’s a bit more to this case, though,’ I said. ‘Jack Burns might have been the killer, but he’s not the one pulling the strings. Anyway, I won’t bore you with the details. Hey, I can’t imagine your dad’s stag party was boring though. He strikes me as the sort that would make the most of a night like this.’

  Jared gave me a somewhat bashful grin. ‘Don’t laugh at me, but … I couldn’t really enjoy myself. I spent half the time thinking about Catriona.’ His expression fell a little. ‘And that got me to thinking about love, and this latest marriage of my parents. I mean, you make a choice to settle down because you’ve found the one you love, don’t you? But my dad … he never settles down. I’m just not sure this time will be any different.’

  I agreed with him on Ron, but I was a whole lot more concerned about the ‘l’ word. ‘You … you love Catriona Eager?’

  He shook his head, laughing that husky laugh of his again. ‘No. I don’t love her. But … I want to love someone, Ash. I decided years ago that there was no point in a proper relationship. I mean, I’d either have to spend hundreds of years stuck with one vampire woman, or else I’d fall in love with someone who wasn’t immortal and I’d have to watch them die. It seemed like lose-lose, you know?’

  He reached for my hand, looking into my eyes. ‘That whole thing with my crush on you … I know it wasn’t real. I know it was because of your sióga blood but … it felt like love. The future I wanted with you, the way just the sight of you made my undead heart beat a mile a minute … it all made me realise what a waste the last couple of hundred years have been. Sure, I had my reasons for staying out of relationships but … how I felt about you, even if it wasn’t real … it made me realise I’m ready again.’

  I looked away from him. ‘I never knew you thought about a future with us, back then.’

  He shrugged, concentrating on making the second sandwich. ‘I still do sometimes, if I’m honest. But it’s not quite as intense, now that the spell of your magical blood has gone away.’ He passed me my sandwich and kissed my cheek, before taking his own to the table. ‘But I know there is no us, and yet … I still want those things. Settling down, having a few mini-mes. You know? I mean, sure, Catriona’s a human but … we could find a way to make it work.’

  I bit into my sandwich, relishing the taste. I’d missed Jared’s cooking more than I realised. It was almost good enough to make me forget the thing I needed to tell him. Almost. ‘Jared … about Catriona. Something happened and … well, I’ve been trying to find the chance to tell you. And make of it what you will, because she was drunk at the time, but …’

  He gave me a wan smile. ‘You’re talking about when she threw herself at my dad at the quiz night, aren’t you? Yeah, she told me. She was really embarrassed about it. She said she doesn’t normally drink, and she mistook my dad for me – to be fair, we do look really alike. By the time she realised who he was, she’d already mortified herself.’

  ‘Oh.’ I looked down at my sandwich. The situation I’d seen had looked a little bit different to that. It had seemed like she knew exactly who Ron was. I mean, heck, she even called him by name. ‘Well I–’

  The door barged open, and Pru looked in at me. ‘Ash! I thought you were getting some more wine. Instead I find you eating fried egg sambos with my bro.’ Her mouth watered. ‘Actually, that sandwich looks amazing.’ She gave her brother her cheekiest smile. ‘Fancy making another? Or maybe … a dozen more for everyone else at the hen do?’

  He sighed exaggeratedly, but stood up and moved to the cooker. ‘I am nought but a sexy servant to these wanton women.’ He looked back at me and winked. ‘But I wouldn’t have it any other way.’

  ≈

  ‘So,’ said Fuzz, as we got ready for bed a couple of hours later. ‘How did it go? Did you break his heart again?’

  ‘Yeah, I told him. But as it turns out, he already knew. Catriona told him that she mistook Ron for Jared, apparently.’ I began to rearrange my pillows so I could sleep on a slightly less hairy one. ‘Jared seems like he trusts Catriona’s take on things, so I guess I’ll have to do the same, even though it did not look like that was what was going on when I saw them together. And as for Ron … I wish I could find a way to trust him, but I feel the same about him as my mam does. I just don’t like the guy.’

  ‘Huh,’ said Fuzz. ‘I’d be surprised if anyone with their head screwed on could like him.’

  I pulled up my covers, and was about to agree with Fuzz, when a loud ‘Hoot, hoot!’ reached my ears.

  I stared around at the sound. ‘Did you hear that?’

  ‘Hear what?’

  ‘That hooting, like an owl.’ I moved to the French doors and looked outside. There were no evil owls in sight, and even a good long look through my telescope revealed nothing. But my witchy senses were tingling, so I headed out to the balcony, and climbed the steps to the widow’s walk to get a better view.

  The town was mostly in darkness, but I could see the owl’s dratted yellow eyes, on the thatched roof of the Fisherman’s Friend. Not only that, but I could see two figures, scurrying down onto the beach, gesturing animatedly. Whoever they were, it seemed like they were in the middle of an almighty argument.

  The broom had joined me on the widow’s walk (it was as nosey as I was, it seemed). So, without thinking, I grabbed it and whispered:

  ‘Cloak me now

  And this broom too

  No one sees us

  They’re deaf to us, too.’

  I really hoped they were deaf to us, because as I swung a leg over the broom, I was pretty sure I heard it let out a whoop of delight.

  As I flew low and unseen on the beach, the couple became clearer to me. It was Ron, walking side by side with Catriona Eager. The owl had left the roof of the Fisherman’s Friend and was now perched on a boulder close to the couple, glaring at them with baleful yellow eyes. Neither Ron nor Catriona seemed to notice its presence.

  ‘We really shouldn’t be doing this,’ he whispered urgently. ‘Not again. Everyone at the stag
do thinks I’ve nipped off home to see Nollaig for a few minutes. She barely forgave me the last time you and I were together.’

  Catriona narrowed her eyes. ‘Oh, she’ll get over it, the old frump. She knows that what you and I share is important.’

  Ron sighed. ‘She never agreed with it. Not then, and not now. She thinks I’ve left all that sort of thing behind me. And honestly? I have. Or at least, I want to. I want to be good.’

  She dragged him in for a kiss. ‘Oh, what you and I share can be very, very good, Ron. Very good indeed.’

  ≈

  As I settled the broom back down onto the widow’s walk, my heart leapt at the sight of an unexpected guest. Jared was sitting on the roof, with a bottle of wine in hand, and Fuzz tucked up on his lap.

  ‘Oh. Hi.’ My hand was at my chest, my heart still beating fast. ‘You keep surprising me tonight.’

  He gave me a lopsided smile. ‘So, I knocked on your bedroom door so we could finish our talk. It swung open and Fuzz told me you were out flying. Then … well, then I took a look through your telescope, and … well, I think maybe I should reassess my reaction to what you told me in the kitchen a while ago. This is bad, isn’t it?’

  I placed the broom down and sat next to him. ‘Sorry, Jared. I mean, it did seem like there was more than a case of mistaken identity the other night, seeing as she pushed herself against him and called him Ron, not Jared. But Pru came in before I could tell you that bit and, honestly? I wanted Catriona to be telling the truth.’

  ‘She called him Ron? And she pushed herself against him?’

  A hex on my big mouth! He looked so deeply, deeply wounded, the poor thing. ‘Well, she … it was hard to tell, to be honest. But your dad turned her down that first time I saw them at least, so … that’s something, isn’t it? I mean, it’s no good for you and Catriona, but … I’ll just shut up now, I think.’

  Jared tossed back his wine, straight from the bottle. ‘My mother always told me it was the quiet ones you had to watch out for. I used to tell her that her romantic advice didn’t mean much to me, seeing as she kept taking my dad back, time and again. I guess both of us are fools for love.’

  I gave him a small hug. ‘You’ll find someone who deserves you, Jared. I em … I’ve been putting off saying anything to your mam as much as to you. But I think that after seeing them kissing on the beach, it’s clear that I’m going to have to.’

  He broke out of the hug with a sad sigh. ‘Don’t worry about it, Ash. Me and Pru have had centuries of telling her about my dad’s many wanderings. We know how to let her down gently. At least I won’t have to be the best man at the wedding of doom so … silver linings.’ He ruffled my hair. ‘And in the meantime you, my beautiful witch-faery hybrid, should get yourself off to the land of nod.’

  21. Ronaldo the Righteous

  I woke up to a dark and stormy morning. The wind blew at my French doors, hurling debris against the glass. I sat up in bed, shivering. The house felt freezing. Grabbing my robe, I tiptoed to the radiator. It was cold to the touch.

  ‘Do a warmth spell for yourself,’ Fuzz suggested, arching his back as he stretched. ‘And while you’re at it, do one for me, too.’

  As usual, he had his own best interests at heart – but seeing as I wouldn’t have thought of a warmth spell without his suggestion, I sent some magic his way. Once Fuzz and I were no longer chattering with the cold, I made my way down to the kitchen. Nollaig was standing at the sink next to Ron, while a bleary-eyed Pru sat at the table.

  ‘Oh, Aisling.’ Nollaig turned to me with a smile. ‘You might have noticed that the heating’s stopped working. The pump needs electricity to operate, and the power’s gone down all over town. I can do you some cereal for breakfast, but I don’t like your chances of grabbing a hot bath.’

  I glanced at her hand, intertwined with Ron’s.

  ‘Hopefully it’ll be fixed before the wedding tonight,’ said Ron, kissing her on the cheek. ‘How can Malachy cook our guests a slap-up meal if he has no kitchen to work in?’

  I felt my forehead wrinkle in confusion. If they were worried about Malachy cooking a wedding dinner, did that mean the marriage was going ahead? The only explanation I could think of was that Jared hadn’t had the opportunity to tell his mother the truth.

  ‘Um … is Jared about?’ I asked, trying to cover up my confusion as best I could.

  Pru shook her head. ‘He’s gone off to see Catriona at the old school.’ She stood up. ‘Let’s go and get changed, Ash. I’ll bet your dad’s managed to do something about the power at the Fisherman’s Friend. I need me some hot, delicious food.’

  ≈

  ‘So,’ said Pru, her hands in her pockets, her head bent down against the wind. ‘I know that you know. About my dad and Miss Way-Too-Eager. Jared told me about them kissing on the beach last night.’

  ‘So then why did he go to the old school to see her? And he said he was going to tell your mam, too. Is he waiting for the right time? Because if he doesn’t hurry up, she’ll be married to your dad again before he says a word.’

  Pru stopped walking, standing in front of me with her black hair blowing in the gust. Her jewellery was clinking and jangling so much that she sounded like a wind chime. ‘He did tell her. But here’s the thing … my mam seems like she has it together, but when it comes to my dad she’s a bit of a mess. He spins her a story and she buys it, every time. Like last night, when he finally got back and she confronted him, he told her that Catriona had a bit of a crush on him, and he’d only met up with her on the beach so he could let her down gently. And my mam bought it, hook line and sinker. Jared stormed out, says he’s washed his hands of them both. He said he’s going to give Catriona a piece of his mind, but … he had this kind of wounded dog look about him. I’m afraid he might fall for whatever excuses she gives him. Ever since he fell for you, he’s been a little too keen to get into a relationship.’

  ‘Yeah, I got that impression last night. Do you think he’ll calm down and come to the wedding?’

  Pru sighed. ‘He usually calms down for Mam’s sake. We both do, but … maybe we shouldn’t this time. Ash, you might think that my dad is already as bad as it gets but, unfortunately, he can get even lower. I never wanted to tell you the full truth about him, because I was afraid it would change how you see us. I was afraid of how you’d feel about me and Jared and Mam once you knew. But he was never a good man, and I just don’t think a person can change as much as my mam constantly believes my dad can. Ash, my dad … he’s not just Ron Montague. He’s Ronaldo the Righteous.’

  ‘That rings a bell.’ My eyes widened. ‘It was one of the questions, back a few months ago when we had to play that awful game so we could reinstate the wards that protected Riddler’s Cove from human eyes. Jared was the only one who knew the answer – which makes perfect sense now. The question was about who turned Ronaldo into a vampire. Someone called Cassandra turned your dad, didn’t she?’

  Pru nodded miserably. ‘She did. There was a plague at the time. I mean, when wasn’t there a plague back in the Middle Ages? Before that, Dad was normal. A bit Fire and Brimstone from time to time but … once he became a vampire, he seemed to think that he could start some race of super vampires or something. He chose only the strongest and most successful humans to turn, giving them protection from the plague and turning them into his own cult. He was like … well, imagine if Vlad’s Boys and the Knights of Darkness had a baby, except that the baby was a whole lot more crazy and murderous.’

  ‘He was more murderous than the members of Vlad’s Boys? Dylan mentioned the Knights of Darkness,’ I recalled. ‘Konstantin de Balfe is a member, and apparently he’s openly voiced his support for Vlad’s Boys.’

  ‘Sounds about right.’ She looked pensively at the ground. ‘Rich dweebs like him usually cheer on from the sidelines but never get their hands dirty. My dad em … he actually started the Knights of Darkness. You don’t hear about them much these days – it’s more of a rich vampire club now
, complete with a secret handshake and a bunch of dumb hazing rituals. But back then … back then it was a major thing.’

  She shivered. ‘Anyway, Dad tried to force the whole family into his crazy cult, but we just weren’t interested. I told you a while back that Mam didn’t celebrate the Dark Night because she just loves Christmas too much, but the truth is she hates all of those old-school vampire rituals because they remind her of my dad’s radical years.’

  She started walking again, so quickly that I struggled to keep up. ‘Anyway, Mam took off to Riddler’s Edge with me and Jared and a few decades later, Dad reappeared with his tail between his legs. We knew he’d instigated a few dozen wars but … well, Mam took him back anyway. He said he’d seen the error of his ways, that he was no longer convinced vampires were superior beings, but … well … I just reckon he got tired of living off of nothing but blood.’

  I thought back to Konstantin, and how he pretended that he only consumed blood. ‘Yeah. I wouldn’t say that many of these people are quite the super-vamps they say they are. But Pru, how come no one knows about this? Not one single person has ever mentioned your dad is Ronaldo the Righteous.’

  She shrugged. ‘I told you before, we’re a weirdly powerful family. We’ve made it so no one will connect Dad with Ronaldo. But … you were going to figure it out. You or your dad, or maybe your granny if she popped by for some Sunday lunch, so … I figured I’d better come clean. I hated having this secret from you. But what I hate even more … it’s the thought that he’ll never change. Not deep down. Even if he’s no longer a crazed, elitist cult leader, he’s still going to break her heart again.’ She sucked in some air. ‘Anyway, the lights are on in the tavern. Let’s go and spend some time with a couple who don’t mess each other around.’