by Daisy Allen
“Who?”
“Him.”
I look again. They’re closer now and I can see Ben chatting away, his good hand holding the hand of the third person.
A third person who looks vaguely familiar.
“Mommy! Mommy look who I found!”
“Emily?” I turn back to her, touching her gently on the shoulder. She doesn’t respond. “What is it?”
“Mommy, look!” Ben repeats, now just feet away.
And now I know where I’ve seen the person before.
“Brad. It’s nice to see you again.” He holds his hand out to me.
“Silas.” I reach out, out of pure habit.
He shakes my hand and smiles before turning his attention to Emily.
“Hi Emily, you look good.”
“Uh, thanks,” she replies, her voice small and shaken.
“How do you know Uncle Brad?” Ben looks up, asking Silas.
“We used to go to school together!” Silas says, looking down at him.
“Oh, like with Mommy when she was little, not old,” Ben says, and giggles remembering our joke.
“Yup, just like that. She was my girlfriend,” Silas tells him.
“Ew, yucky.” Ben screws up his nose.
“And…how do you know Silas, Ben?” I can’t wait any longer to ask.
“Oh, that’s a silly question, Uncle Brad,” Ben tells me. “I know him because he’s my daddy.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Emily
I need to talk to him.
Dammit. I need to talk to him and explain.
I need to explain why I haven’t told him this before and why it doesn’t matter now.
But I can’t. I have to fucking sit here in this fucking bus ten feet away from him in the other fucking bus pressing redial constantly on my phone because he won’t fucking answer.
I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking right now.
I saw his face, God, the look on Brad’s face when he realized Silas was Ben’s father. It felt like all the hurt and betrayal I had been harboring toward him was directed at me. I’ve never seen him look so hurt in his life. And I caused it.
Why won’t he answer the phone?
Talk to me, Brad. I’m staring out the side of the bus, but he just won’t come to the window.
Please. Please, just a smile or wave. A text telling me I’ve fucked up but it’s okay.
That we’re okay.
Because as much as I fought it, fought him, fought you, Brad. I want to be with you. I need you.
If Silas is here, I’m going to need you. I’m not going to be able to do this alone.
My fingers run over the iPhone keypad and I type the words.
Please talk to me. Please answer my phone. Don’t shut me out.
I send him another.
I can explain. I can explain it all. But you have to talk to me.
I can’t do this without you, Brad.
I love you.
But the messages go unanswered.
And I sit by the bus window, watching the day slide into dark, dark night.
***
It’s been a whole day, and Brad hasn’t said a single word to me.
I could blame it on our schedule. We spent six hours on the road yesterday, and ended up in Edinburgh for the annual Snow Festival. They spent the entire day in rehearsal.
But I know that’s not it.
Even during the lunch break, he went back to the bus while everyone feasted at the pub. And tonight, at dinner with a local fan club, he made sure he was seated as far away from me as possible.
A whole day and not a single word. Not an expression of anger or blame, of accusation or fury. Just nothing. I thought I’d at least catch his eye now and then. Hoping that if he wasn’t talking to me, he’d at least look at me. But nothing.
Even the others are wondering what’s going on. I know it’s a surprise to them that Silas is Ben’s dad. But to them it’s just a funny fact. Emily and Silas ended up having a kid. But it’s not funny. And it’s the last thing that Brad needed to find out the way he did.
But I can’t do anything about that until he talks to me.
Just talk to me, Brad.
***
“Ben. I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay?”
“Yes, Mom.”
“Now, I’m letting you come today because you’ve promised that you’re going to be a good boy. You’re going to listen to me, you’re going to listen to Carrie, and you’re going to do whatever you’re told. It’s going to be very busy there, and it will be easy for you to get lost. And you don’t want that, do you?”
“No, Mommy. I promise I’ll behave.”
“Good, because Mommy will be working. She’ll have to watch the shows and do some interviews and I can’t be watching you the whole time. If you don’t think you can be a good boy, you’re going to have to stay here with Carrie instead. Maybe she can take you to a movie or lunch and the playground.”
“No, Mommy! I want to come with you and Uncle Brad and everyone else!”
“Okay. Remember, you promised. Now, you have your bag packed?”
“Yes, Mommy, it’s my new Spider-Man one that Uncle Brad gave me yesterday.”
“Yesterday?”
“Yes, he came over while you were in the shower and he said he bought this for me and that I’m his special superhero because I’ve been so brave with my broken arm and not complaining even though he knows it must hurt.”
“That’s nice of him.”
“But then he left really quickly when I said you would be out of the shower soon.”
“Well, he’s very busy with his concert today.”
“That’s what he said too.”
“Okay, baby, let’s go!”
“Let’s go, Mommy!”
***
The annual Snow Festival in Edinburgh is one of the high points of the winter music scene in Europe. Held at Dalmeny House, the main property on the estate is a gorgeous Gothic house lording over a field that can fit almost fifty thousand hardcore music fans who aren’t afraid of braving the cold.
It’s the third year in a row The Rock Chamber Boys have played, and their first year headlining. It’s a big thing. It’ll set up huge momentum for the sales of their new album, and the exposure with the online videos that go viral will be pivotal to the success of their big tour come summer.
At 6 p.m. tonight, when the sun sets, the fans will be spoiled with this year’s best new artist Grammy winner, and a show that will change their lives.
Just like it changed mine.
One giant stage is set up to the right side of the back entrance of the castle. Two fifteen-foot screens on either side of the stage hang like a ship’s white sails, pulled tight, ready to project back to the audience the goings-on on stage.
All along one side of the field are tents set up for the artists, for their equipment and crew, and a section for fans to meet the bands.
Dennis and Hailey lead the guys to their tent and rush off to make sure everything is ready for their set.
I hang back holding Ben’s hand, squeezing tight, unable to contain my excitement despite my issues with Brad. It’s 11 a.m. and the field is starting to fill with ticket holders, lined up from overnight to get the best spot to catch a glimpse of their favorite artists.
“Isn’t this so exciting?” I say to Ben. As crazy as this trip has been, I have no regrets pulling him out of school and taking him along even with his injury. I’ve never believed in giving Ben a sheltered life. And I know he’ll carry memories of this tour with him for the rest of his life.
“Okay, honey, now you go sit over there in that corner with Carrie. She’s been very nice to babysit you today, and make sure your arm doesn’t ache too much. So, you be good okay?”
“Okay Mommy, I’ll see you soon.”
I give him a kiss on the forehead and swing around, ready to set up my recorder and wander the grounds a bit. I want to get a feel for the at
mosphere and maybe take the chance to interview a few other artists for my write-up of the festival.
“Oooof,” I can’t help but grunt as I bang into a hard chest.
A hard chest I know well. A hard chest I was running my tongue along just a few days ago.
“Oh, sorry.”
“Sorry, my fault,” Brad mumbles before quickly stepping back and going back where he came from.
“Hey. Hey!” I follow him. He’s had enough space. It’s time to talk. “Can we talk?”
“No.”
“Brad.”
“I’m busy.
“Fine, can we talk later?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll still be busy then, too.”
“Come on Brad, grow up!”
“No. You know what? You grow up. You spend ages pushing me away, making me feel like shit, like whatever you think I did eight years ago fucked you up so bad that you couldn’t be with me now. And it turns out you’re the fuck-up. For all your promises, it turns out you did leave me for him. And had a fucking child! The reason we aren’t together is because of you. Stop putting your guilt on me when you did this to yourself. You did this to us. Maybe you should stop trying to talk and sort out your fucking mess. I can’t help you this time.” The look he gives me pours salt into a wound I think will now never heal.
The fury in what he says surprises me. I knew he would be angry, confused—but not to this extent. I can’t believe that’s what he thinks. That that’s how he feels. And I wonder if there’s anything I can say to change his mind at this point.
“I don’t know what to say. Just that…you’re wrong, you’re so wrong. And you… you’re not even giving me a chance to explain before you’ve come to your conclusion. I was right, despite everything wrong that I’ve done—you do need to fucking grow up, Brad Windsor.”
I run out of the tent before he can see me cry over him. Again.
Any future feels like it’s a million light years ago. And that the hurt between us just might take that long to fade.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Brad
That went well.
I’m still staring at the spot she vacated over five minutes ago.
Our first conversation after finding out that Silas is Ben’s father wasn’t supposed to go that way. But she’d cornered me and it just all came out. I didn’t mean to hurt her with anything I wanted to say, but that look in her eyes before she ran off tells me she’s probably somewhere crying…and hating me.
But what does she expect? How can she expect that I would feel any differently? Silas. FUCKING SILAS! And I’m not just pissed at her relationship with him, but Ben’s as well!
Yes, I am fucking envious that this dickwad of a man is the father of that little boy. That little boy that I’m fast falling in love with.
But if she could’ve kept that from me, knowing how I feel about him, then what else is she capable of? Maybe she really is the girl who couldn’t even be bothered to come say goodbye when I left to go on tour.
She didn’t know, remember? the voice inside me reminds me.
But it doesn’t change that even without receiving my messages, she never came to find me, came to talk, after that night we spent together that was supposed to be the first in our lives together forever.
I don’t know what to think.
But I do know that I can’t leave it like this, and we need to talk.
I need to find her.
“Oi! Cum-waffle!” Jez’s head pokes into the tent. He’s wearing his mic headset already, his bow in hand. “Get your head out of your overinflated ass. We’re waiting for you for soundcheck. Come on, we only have fifteen minutes before the other band’s up.”
Jack comes over and attaches the mic receiver to my belt and pulls the headset around my neck, adjusting the mic to my mouth.
“Fuck. Can’t you cover for me?” I really need to go find Emily before my words cause too much damage.
“And test your violin mic with what? My dick? Come on!”
“Okay, okay, no need to get mad over the little things!” I follow him out of the tent and toward the stage.
“What little things?” he asks as he breaks into a jog, waving at the crew on stage and pointing to me behind him.
“You brought up your dick!” I poke him with my bow.
“Don’t make me make you choke on it,” he threatens as we climb up the stage to meet up with Sebastian and Marius.
“Pick my teeth with, maybe!” I growl.
“Um, guys, your mics are on…and recording,” Dennis’s voice booms into our earpieces.
“It’s okay, everyone already knows about Jez’s toothpick prick,” I hear Seb respond, then chuckle at his own hilarity.
“Shut up, and let’s get those instruments tested,” Dennis commands
And for once, we listen.
***
“Hey, what’s going on with you and Emily?” Seb asks me as we finish soundcheck, pulling our headsets off and leaving them on stage for the crew to take care of.
“What…why? Why would something be going on?”
“Other than your ‘sleepover’ the other night, and whatever it was that made you both late the other day after the show, it’s like the last day or so you’ve barely been in the same place at the same time. Made me wonder which one of you is Clark Kent and which is Superman.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Nah, man, it’s something. Talk to me. I’ll half listen, I promise.”
We walk over to a quiet bench on the side of the stage. The field is filling up. It’s about two hours to the start time and about twenty thousand people are already there.
I’m excited about the Rock Chamber Boys headlining this year. Dennis worked hard to get us the gig, and we won’t let him down.
But right now, I’d be lying if I said the show was the first and foremost thing on my mind. And my friend and bandmate for twelve years knows this almost as well as I do.
“Come on, Brad. If something’s wrong we need to sort it out before tonight. You can’t have this weighing on your mind.”
“Ugh. Stop being all…ever since Cadence you’ve gotten all touchy-feely.”
“Hey, just feely. The touchy is reserved for Cadey.”
“Ew.”
He grins and I know if there’s anyone I can talk to about this, it’s him.
“It’s Emily.”
“You don’t say!”
“Shut up, do you want me to be feely or not?”
“Sorry. Go on…what’s going on between you two?”
“That’s just it, I don’t fucking know! You know ever since we met up again, all I can think about is her. She consumes me. She consumes my thoughts. I can’t play without dedicating every song to her, I can’t speak without wondering where she is at every moment...what’s she’s doing…who she’s with…how she’s feeling?”
“And how is she feeling? I mean…I thought after the other night, you guys would be like two peas in a steamy, sex saturated pod. Then boom! You’re like two north polar magnets repelling each other.”
“Silas.”
“Ah.”
“What ah?”
“Just ah… you still on that? Is this Silas shit from now or eight years ago?”
“He’s Ben’s dad.”
“So? Is he your dad?”
“No.”
“Then so what?”
I blink at him. Is he serious? So what?
“He’s Ben’s dad, that’s ‘so what.’”
“Dude. You seriously need to sort out what’s important and what’s not. You yourself have a stepfather who you love. Does who your biological dad is interfere with that in any way?”
“Make your point.”
“You’re an idiot, is my point. What does Emily have to say about all this?”
“Um…”
“You haven’t spoken to her about it?”
“Well, I have. Kinda.”
; “And what happened.?”
“I called her a fuck-up.”
“Duuuuude.”
“Fuck, I know. I KNOW!”
“Go find her. Fix it. Or at least try to see if it can be fixed.”
“Thanks man.”
“No problem. And hey…how was it?”
“How was what?”
“You know…” he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and I can’t help but laugh. He’s still my Sebastian.
“You pig!”
“It was good, wasn’t it? It’s ..different when it’s someone you love.”
“Dude. I’m gonna go now. And you…you go look for your testicles. They seem to have detached.”
I leave just a little too slow as I’m greeted by the sight of Sebastian proving that they indeed have not detached.
“Butter? Emily!” I call for her as I return to the tent.
Ben runs over to me and I kneel, catching him in my arms, twirling him around until he screams, begging me to stop. His laughter fills the dark empty spot in my mood, and I wonder how I’m going to deal once he and his mother aren’t with us 24/7 anymore.
“Hey Benny Boy, are you having a good day?”
“Yes, Uncle Brad.” He smiles at me and holds my face in between his palms.
“What about you? Are you having a good day?” Despite his childish laughter, there’s something somber in his look.
“Of course, it’s a good day for the band. We’re really looking forward to playing.” I look around the tent and see only Carrie and two of our techs sleeping in the corner. “Where’s your mother?” I ask him, taking his hand and leading him back over to his little table set up with his toys. I give Carrie a smile, which she returns, before focusing her attention back on her iPhone.
“I don’t know. She said she had to go interview someone. Uncle Brad?” He looks up at me as he sits down on his chair.
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Do you know what’s wrong with Mommy?” His face falls and he looks serious.
“What do you mean?”
“She hasn’t been very happy the last few days. And last night I think I heard her crying. I was scared so I went in and gave her a hug.”
My heart squeezes for them both. For her obvious pain, and her little boy’s concern for his mother, his world.
